Taste My Rainbow - Rated R For... Reunion?
Nov 11, 2013 - 10:00:05 AM
Rated R For… Reunion?
Howdy folks. This is Taste My Rainbow - an intended attack on both your conscious and subconscious. Adam Copeland racked up a staggering 31 championships in WWE from 1999-2011 and therefore I’ve decided to celebrate Edge’s career on the 31-month anniversary of his retirement speech. And yes, yours truly strategically planned this column so I’d have something to write about when there isn’t shit else going on. Clever me. Following the shock of my favorite wrestler’s sudden departure, I dedicated a mini-series titled Coping With An Adam Bomb to The Rated R Superstar and treated each installment as another step in the grieving process. Unfortunately, SkitZ was suffering from some sort of phobia with finishing things at the time (heh… true in many aspects) and his fandom for Edge only equated to two articles. Hopefully, this proves to be a more serviceable memorandum than my initial piss poor effort.
His “Transitional Champion” Stigma
Triple H referenced Edge’s inability to draw or be THE guy a couple weeks ago on RAW which ties in directly to Copeland’s brief stints as WWE & World Heavyweight Champ. Is it coincidence that the group of names Hunter mentioned during said promo collectively experienced short reigns? Chris Jericho & RVD, no matter the surrounding circumstances, were also victims of the same trend. Either The Game struts around with a shovel in his travel bag or there’s some validity to H’s over scrutinized remarks.
I don’t believe the shallowness of Edge’s title runs are a reflection of his limited star power as much they are The Ultimate Opportunist’s versatility. For a guy who supposedly couldn’t cut the mustard, management sure as hell entrusted Copeland to carry the belt often and in high profile situations. The magnitude of Edge’s championship feuds dwindled in his later years with the company but the track record speaks for itself. The Rated R Superstar amassed 11 World Titles in WWE and yet his reigns lasted an average of 49.8 days… I had relationships in high school that lasted longer than that for fuck sakes. Admittedly, several of those were Hispanic girls looking to settle down at 16 and set up camp but my point still stands.
So if somebody put a knife to my throat right now and demanded an answer, I’d say yeah - Copeland did in fact have transitional title reigns but he wasn’t a transitional champion either. Transitional suggests ‘movement or passage from’ which is mostly true in Edge’s case but the path always led back to him. The more significant championship tenures were saved for Cena, Orton, Batista, etc. and The Master Manipulator was the glue that held them all together. Copeland never rested on his laurels or phoned it in. Therefore, let’s not look at it from the perspective that Edge’s longest streak as WWE/World Champion lasted a whopping 105 days (which is sadly an eternity by comparison). Nah instead, I’m declaring Copeland the greatest 4-7 Week Champ in wrestling history. And honestly, is there any higher honor?
His Sweetest TV Matches
A section subjected to debate I know. Edge’s body of work on pay per view is nearly as expansive as the pornography in my browser history so The Candyman figured picking a few television bouts made more sense.
5) vs. John Morrison (SmackDown; 06.20.2009) -- Hennigan had shown flashes of breakout talent during his alliance with Miz but this match served as The Friday Night Delight’s first pedestal moment as a singles star. Morrison created some buzz once WWE turned him loose on the blue brand as a face and Edge wasted no time in helping elevate his status. Copeland/Nitro told the story of the young gun challenging the wily veteran and each man played their role expertly. The Ultimate Opportunist still went over Morrison clean but management designed their TV bout specifically to showcase the Tough Enough winner’s untapped abilities. Not only did the second half of this match feature some incredible sequences but Edge situated Hennigan for future success in the process. Which - let’s be honest – isn’t an easy task for a dude who rocks glittery pants.
4) & Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit (SmackDown; 11.07.2002) -- Coming off of their MOTY caliber performance at No Mercy, you knew these two teams weren’t done competing against each other. SmackDown made a habit of producing varied classics throughout ’02 in which fans were receiving PPV quality contests for free on a weekly basis. Consider this Exhibit A. Edge, along with his three counterparts, went above and beyond in this acclaimed two out of three falls match for the Tag Team straps. An exhaustive effort resulted in a spent crowd and Copeland & Mysterio emerging as the new titleholders.
3) vs. Randy Orton (RAW; 04.30.2007) -- Many argue that Rated RKO’s implosion should’ve culminated in a singles bout at WrestleMania 23 and rightfully so. I’m the screwy bastard who contested that Backlash’s fatal four-way main event should’ve taken the place of HBK/Cena a month earlier. Regardless, the former allies were eventually allowed to settle their differences on a post-pay per view edition of RAW and completely blew away expectations. Despite being shorter in length and lesser promoted, I prefer this installment of Edge/Orton in every critical department to its predecessor from Bad Blood ’04. Their chemistry never seemed to click just right but the stars magically aligned on this night; to the extent where it dwarfs Copeland & Randy’s efforts from three years prior and three years afterwards. I sleepwalked my way through the pair’s series of matches in mid 2010.
2) ~TIE!~ vs. Ric Flair (RAW; 01.16.2006) / vs. Shawn Michaels (RAW; 02.28.2005) -- Ahhhhhhhh oftentimes when SkitZ needs to make a final decision, he buckles under the pressure and goes with both options (imagine how messy my sex life gets). So while I don’t have the heart to designate either of these as my unanimous #1, neither belongs any lower than second place. While wrestling marks continued doubting Naitch’s physical skills at such a decrepit age, Flair saw to silencing his critics in environments such as these. Edge & Slick Ric kept viewers reeled in during WWE’s darker period of the calendar; turning a real life incident into compelling TV and ultimately capping it off with an awesome TLC bout. Not gonna lie… had Naitch scored the upset, I would’ve had no issue watching Cena/Flair unfold at WM22 instead. Fuck you, H.
Meanwhile, HBK did some heavy lifting the previous January when he helped lift Copeland into the upper echelon of WWE. Michaels encounter with Edge at the Rumble left the door wide open for a grudge match down the road. If the IWC needed any validation of the big things in store for Copeland, this was it. The Rated R Superstar hung with Shawn throughout the seesaw battle and further convinced the front office that he deserved a prominent placement on the card. HBK & Edge pulled out all the stops to the point where their sequel in early ’07 felt like sloppy seconds at a frat party.
1) vs. Eddie Guerrero (SmackDown; 09.26.2002) -- Sworn not to dissipate from his tremendous wars with Kurt Angle, Copeland entered this rivalry on a fuckin’ tear. Then you had Eddie who’d recently returned from rehab with a new lease on life so you had two guys with tons to prove. Study the work ethic on display here and see if your girl doesn’t start complaining of hot flashes. Latino Heat appeared ready for another gear in his career and Edge did his absolute best to soak up whatever knowledge he could before the window slammed shut. This no DQ affair is as crisp and well-executed of a brawl as you’ll find in WWE’s library.
Ranking His Best Opportunistic Approaches
3b) SmackDown May 2007: Remember what I said earlier about caving to indecisiveness? Yep. Noticing a pattern yet? News broke of Copeland’s cash-in Tuesday night during ECW (hey I tuned in for the first year or so) and I had to wait three torturous days before actually watching it unfold. Every once in a blue moon, WWE’s writers will book a chain of events correctly and the payoff is heavenly. From the roller coaster ride of Taker/Batista III ending inexplicably in a draw to Henry jumping The Phenom afterwards to Edge’s music hitting the loudspeakers, everything gelled seamlessly. The Deadman’s bicep injury required surgery and Cena had RAW’s title picture in a stranglehold gasping for air so the dramatic change of scenery couldn’t have come sooner.
3a) No Way Out 2009: Dear Kofi. Please don’t hold a grudge for being exploited as a pawn in a grander scheme. Midcard irrelevancy is your own worst enemy but you managed to climb out of it for a couple months later the same year so not all was lost, right? As a devoted Edgehead, I value your unbeknownst participation in The Rated R Superstar’s evil ploy for world domination and won’t ever forget it. I mean c’mon… the odds of you surviving the chamber were more ludicrous than my grandfather running a marathon (bad hips). Nevertheless, I appreciate your graciousness and sincerely apologize if that steel chair left any indentions on the back of your head.
All the best, SkitZ
2) New Year’s Revolution 2006: A tired visual and heavily replayed moment but one that warrants substantial praise. With the amount of hatred Cena had accumulated nine months into his inaugural WWE Title run, the company could’ve orchestrated a double turn on this evening without exerting much energy. The Franchise Player kicking out of Edge’s first spear after enduring five men(…) and the Elimination Chamber is borderline comical but it certainly made for a breathtaking nearfall. The fact that Copeland’s entire journey from winning the briefcase to becoming a primary titleholder was reduced to three puny weeks as champ always left a sour taste in my mouth. According to my girlfriend though, there are far more unpleasant things to worry about.
1) Survivor Series 2008: Perhaps I rate this bad boy so favorably because it came on the heels of a truly pedestrian duel between Hunter and Kozlov. Going from such a “fuuuuuck why did I hand over 40 bucks for this?” low to an extreme high in a matter of seconds really does a number on your psyche. Jeff hitting the ring to exact revenge and nearly triumphing prepped fans for his milestone victory at the next PPV. Edge had resurfaced and stolen the WWE Championship again with an assist from his newest resource – Vickie. Even Guerrero’s blood pressure-spiking shrieks couldn’t tarnish Copeland’s latest ruse. The beard didn’t last very long however (and neither did Vlad’s title aspirations to the relief of everyone involved).
His Taste In Women
Why bother hashing out a tribute column if we didn’t analyze the various pieces of ass Edge groped in WWE? The Rated R Superstar gives Punk a real run for his money in said department. And incidentally, they’re each familiar with grabbing samples from the same platter. I imagine the conversations amongst them would be awkward, uncomfortable and avoided at all costs. Some people call that professionalism… I say its close-minded conservatism. Prudish behavior will get you nowhere in life (besides a bathroom with wet naps and internet service 3-4 times per day).
Alanah Morley… Adam’s first wife is the sister of Edge’s good buddy, Val Venis. Huh well I wonder if their friendship withstood the divorce that followed three years later. God I hate to see a broken bromance (sigh). Obviously, Alanah was in wonderful shape and took care of herself but I’m afraid the face area lacks some intense reconfiguration; the type that costs thousands of dollars and requires expensive equipment. Besides that minor complaint though, Miss Morley is a beauty.
Kudos Rating (Based on a 0-5 Scale):
Amy Dumas… Lita’s actually not the haggard chick many folks perceive her to be. It depends on what angle the light catches her at. Thus I find it best to simply concentrate on her chest region where the fake ta-ta’s reside. If you can deal with Amy’s “alternative” lifestyle, then there’s loads to peak on. And come to think about it, Dumas and Alanah are eerily similar in several areas. Dress Miss Morley in an outfit purchased from Hot Topic, sport some vibrant whale tail, slap on a pair of implants and BLAMO – you’ve successfully cloned Lita.
Vickie Guerrero… The stereotypical male wrestling fan usually finds The Cougar revolting (along with the notion that people call her that with a straight face). On the flip side however, I’ve never minded Vickie and her portly frame. There are instances where I’d swear somebody baked crescent rolls on Guerrero’s face under the hot desert sun but eh… flaws are present in each of us. Eddie was a STUD and what’s acceptable for him is more than tolerable for me. I’m not too keen on sex with cripples so Vickie’s stretches in a wheelchair and neck brace sometimes made it difficult to think dirty thoughts.
Alicia Fox… The WWE Universe in general was pretty blindsided by this scandal. Not by the idea that Edge would cheat on Guerrero and mingle with a shorty on the side mind you. No if anything, the betrayal came later than most of us expected. Adam & Vickie would mend their trainwreck of an engagement in due time and it’s a crying shame because Alicia is a minx. I wouldn’t have snoozed on her for a few job perks. Fox is a piece of dark chocolate I’d literally kill for (with blunt objects and all) to unwrap and nibble on. And those contacts! Sexyyyyyyyy.
Beth Phoenix… Shortly after Punk and The Glamazon’s fling disintegrated, Edge hopped aboard the Beth Express and has yet to get off the ride. Can’t say I fault The Ultimate Opportunist either. Phoenix possesses enough muscle mass where she can handle a solid pounding on the bed sheets but has maintained her femininity where it matters most. Props to Beth for preventing her lady parts from spiraling out of control like Chyna’s did. I’d be hard pressed not to reward Edge’s main squeeze with a passable rating. I applaud a woman who could carry me to safety in a do-or-die scenario.
The Potential Surrounding His Return
Likewise with Steve Austin, I get the impression that Copeland is completely satisfied with his career and would never risk permanent paralysis or death for an in-ring return. I’ve enjoyed Edge’s sporadic appearances since bidding WWE farewell two and a half years ago but also find myself combating inner selfishness. Not so much in terms of The Rated R Superstar gearing up for a dream match or anything along those lines seeing as how the Canuck’s pretty much covered the gamut. Edge shares the same adoration and respect for the business that Triple H does. If SkitZ were running day-to-day operations backstage, there’s no way in hell I’d let Copeland linger in limbo forever. In a company filled with so many pompous pricks and narcissistic know-it-all’s, management could benefit greatly from an individual with Edge’s credentials/wrestling IQ/sex appeal/whoops I’ve gone too far.
When Copeland grows tired of mountain life and being neighbors with Mike Knox, I’d throw the Hall of Famer a lifeline. One can only chop wood for a heat source and rely on some desolate town in the sticks for so long before the itch sets in (and no I’m not referring to hay fever). Bias aside, Edge would be a tremendous asset to WWE from a creative standpoint and his input is invaluable. No disrespect to road agents like Dean Malenko & Arn Anderson but the company could use some fresh blood behind the scenes. Then maybe Copeland could bitch slap some sense into the shmucks who insist on pushing Ryback (why is that still a priority?), jeopardizing the roster’s overall health by keeping Khali employed, treating instant replays like a goddamn self-serve ice cream machine and mishandling storylines that practically write themselves.
'X' Smarks The Spot
Ever since SkittleZ’ Riddles landed on the shelf indefinitely, I’ve been lazily searching for a different concept to drop on the general public. Interacting with the subtle geniuses and outbreaks of douche on the Main Page has become a favorite hobby of mine so I thought what better than letting your voices be heard? From here-on forward, I’ll be posting random questions at the bottom of each column. Readers can either leave their submissions in the comments section below or email them to me at (SkitzLOP@aol.com). After reading every entry sent in, I shall determine a winner and that individual will be given a paragraph-sized window of writing space in my ensuing column; the only criteria being he/she keeps it wrestling related. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer here so don’t go all college essay on me. Let the shenanigans begin.
I. -- If you could hit the reset button on Undertaker’s last five opponents at WrestleMania, what would your list look like? Briefly explain each choice.
WM29: Ryback (errrrrrr again, this is a mock lineup)
II. -- The Miz’s work as a babyface is eerily similar to which American tragedy?
a) 1995 Oklahoma City bombing
b) Hurricane Katrina
c) 9/11 terrorist attacks
d) The film Brokeback Mountain
Feel free to elaborate.
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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