Taste My Rainbow - Our Big Fat Christmas Clusterf*ck (Swells)
By SkitZ (and friends)
Dec 24, 2013 - 7:03:55 PM
Our Big Fat Christmas Clusterf*ck (Swells)
WE NOW RESUME
Whaddup folks? Welcome to where all the Jews and Jehovah’s Witnesses hide out this time of year - Taste My Rainbow. This is actually an extension of my Christmas Wishlist Extravaganza which ended up ballooning to a size that necessitated two columns. Although this is probably overkill as I just posted the first half Sunday night, you can view ‘SIDE A’ by [clicking here]. Below lies the other 15 entries I’ve yet to address (including my own). SkitZ promises you a stomach-churning blend of retired hacks, household names and people I’m already regretful for inviting.
So plop down with a cranberry martini, pumpkin pie smoothie, eggnog latte or any other winter beverage that jeopardizes your masculinity and dive right in. Drink up and if you start gagging uncontrollably, just remember… there’s ALWAYS a lousier alternative. So please, feel free to interject at any point if you’d rather I gave a DVD review of Christmas Bounty instead.
Me? Impartial? I’m offended you would even ask.
What do I want to see from the WWE in 2014? I suppose more than anything I want to be given a reason to care about why any two given names are feuding with another which doesn’t involve a title belt or an out-of-nowhere, motive-free attack.
I’m a big, big fan of New Japan Pro Wrestling. In 2012 and 2013, they easily presented the best and most progressive in-ring product on the planet. Their wrestlers don’t just wander into big moves and kick out of them nonsensically. Their main event level matches are built around the tactical avoidance of such predicaments, because really, who wants their spine to be obliterated twenty five times in the span of twenty five minutes?
My only gripe with NJPW is that without doing some prior research, their guys could be feuding over a mop for all I know. The idea of a “feud” in NJPW isn’t really present at all, though. It is treated like a legitimate sporting organization and as such, why their wrestlers fight with one another and when is mostly as a result of how many wins they’ve amassed and how major those wins are. Winning matches thrusts a wrestler further up the card. Its nuts, I know.
So despite operating in a language I don’t understand, and not really presenting feuds at all, I still know what happens in NJPW matches more than I do WWE matches. Why turn Ryback heel on John Cena with no real foreshadowing or motive? Why did Joe Henning go, in the space of a week, from hanging out with JTG in catering to main eventing RAW with Triple H? The answers to those questions are: to give them something to do. These happenings and many others beforehand and afterwards made no sense. They were totally incongruous. That’s why they ultimately didn’t work.
Even when WWE gets it right – like with the Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio double turn – they bugger up the resolution and almost make a conscious, spiteful effort to not provide the fans with catharsis.
WWE once presented a storyline wherein two midcard wrestlers had a unique gimmick match devised specifically to end their feud, which involved the kidnapping, murder and ingestion of the other’s pet dog. It was appalling, low-rent and totally devoid of merit. It was also ten times more creative and character-appropriate than the majority of non-main event WWE feuds in 2013.
SkitZ: Yeah I’m still amazed how badly WWE’s butchered the follow-up to the ADR/Ziggler double turn; more so in regards to Dolph. I guess a guy has gotta prove himself to enough folks backstage before his gums can flap freely without any repercussions. Alberto’s character work has proven to be serviceable at best whereas Ziggler simply services others. Did some doofus in upper management “accidentally” swap their files back in June and harass the secretary into forgetting what went where? The Blonde Perm’s been hung out to dry and its shitty watching his push corrode before our very eyes. Dolph falling this far behind his protégé in the span of four months is crueler than euthanizing puppies.
So it is that time of the year again where we look towards the coming year and think about what we want to happen. SkitZ has invited me here (and everyone else) today to give you insight into what I want to happen in the wrestling world so I present to you my 10 wishes for 2014.
1. I wish that by the end of 2014 we have a WWE World Heavyweight Championship reign for Cody Rhodes.
2. I wish that in the not too distant future Drew McIntyre breaks away from 3MB and once again returns to the mid card as The Chosen One.
3. I wish that of all the call ups from NXT in 2014 one of them is Bo Dallas and he proves his critics wrong.
4. I wish that wrestlers start to realize their body is important and that the legends who seem to spend more time on the injured list than the active roster decide to stop pushing themselves. This means I want to see the retirements of Rey Mysterio, Christian & Mark Henry.
5. I wish that in the new WWE signings for early 2014 the list includes Anthony Nese, Jay Lethal, Matt Morgan & AJ Styles.
6. I wish that in continuing to improve their Divas division the WWE looks towards SHINE to hire more women, in particularly Leva Bates, Ivelisse, Santana Garrett, Mia Yim & Su Young.
7. I wish that every mainstream only (WWE/TNA) fan moves out of their comfort zone and gives at least one other promotion a try, as I found out this year they may be pleasantly surprised.
8. I wish that in 2014 an Australian finally makes the main WWE roster again. Our best option is of course Emma but other options could include the signings of Madison Eagles, Kellie Skater, Jessie McKay & Shazza McKenzie.
9. I wish that TNA will soon find its former glory or another independent will rise up and claim the title of number two wrestling organization in the USA (my preferences being DGUSA, FWE or PWG).
10. And lastly the wish I wish every year, that I will finally get to sit in the crowd at a live wrestling event and not be restricted to just watching it on TV.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year.
SkitZ: I’m afraid McIntyre’s been left bobbing on the surface too long for him to reel in anything substantial. Stale bait is no bueno. And to be perfectly blunt, I never bought into the smoke Vince & Co. were blowing in our faces with the whole Chosen One shtick. But while that ship might’ve already sailed, I do believe Cody still remains a plausible option for future WWE Champion. Rhodes has shown the physical maturity, in-ring improvement and mic flexibility to warrant himself a trial run. With the World Titles recently being unified however, Cody’s chances of striking it big just diminished considerably. On a more positive note though, I can practically guarantee Mysterio being shelved in ’14. Rey’s bound to lose the remote control for his knees sooner rather than later.
Where to begin? I could probably go on for quite a while, but I don’t want to perpetuate the myth that I’m unconscionably verbose and long winded with a hint of perspicacity so I’ll leave it to a sweet top 5…
#5 More Main Eventers in the WWE
John Cena, Randy Orton, CM Punk, and Daniel Bryan. These are the only legitimate main event players WWE has right now. What the hell is up with that? I remember when they had 8 to 10 guys ready to slot into the top spot at any given moment. I won’t even say who it should be, just get some new guys up to that level that we can actually believe in. Oh, and please don’t make it Alberto Del Rio… thanks, Santa.
#4 A Real, Honest to God Title Reign For Daniel Bryan
I’m sure this will be near the top of everyone’s list, but we’ve got to flood Santa’s mailbox until he makes it damn well happen. Daniel Bryan has been the most over person in the company for almost two full years now. The fact that he’s held the world title for less than 24 hours is quite ridiculous, I mean I’m all about a slow burn but this is just getting painful. If it doesn’t happen in 2014 then WWE is going to seriously lose me.
#3 TNA To Get It’s Shit Together
Anyone who’s followed my work this year knows I highly enjoyed a lot of the work this company did over the summer. Elevating a fantastic Bully Ray to their top spot in one of the most carefully planned angles I’ve ever seen was a stroke of genius, and the incredible work of men like Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, and Christopher Daniels as well as a strong emphasis on long term storytelling made me a fan of the company for the very first time. Then things started to come undone… a horribly timed title reign for long time midcarder Chris Sabin, the pointless inclusion of several MMA stars, and various financial setbacks put the company into a tailspin. I’m still a weekly watcher, mind you, but if you compare what they are doing now compared to six months ago it’s shocking where we’ve gone. I truly believe TNA has the tools to elevate their game and maintain it, but right now they are headed in the opposite direction.
#2 TNA Haters to Get a Life
Let me be clear, I don’t mean it’s wrong to criticize TNA. Hell, I criticize them all the time. I criticized the crap out of them in the last paragraph for a series of recent bad decisions. But good grief, they are the underdogs here, and it seems much of the wrestling audience is willing to assume straight out of the gate that everything they put out will be hot garbage. All I’m asking for here, and this is one wish that’s very near and dear to my heart, is that they get a little credit when they do something well as, shockingly, they do actually manage more often than many seem to give them credit for. Try to apply a modicum of the generosity and forgiveness we’re all so willing to offer WWE every time they throw us a bone. Is an open mind such a hard thing to keep? TNA ain’t hurting you, no need to take it personal.
#1 The Return of CHIKARA
But more than anything else, I want to see the reformation of CHIKARA and a satisfying end to the incredible storyline that has put them currently on hiatus. For anyone who doesn’t know, which is pretty much everyone, earlier in 2013 CHIKARA Pro ran a companywide storyline that included time travel, alternate dimensions, secret military operations, magical amulets, mind control, oh and did I mention a crap load of time travel? It’s the most intricate storyline I’ve ever seen in wrestling, and ever since the security forces of the Titor Conglomerate stormed the main event of Anniversario: Never Compromise and tore the set down to end the show, nobody has known the fate of the company. Rumors run wild, but the only thing I know for sure is that any promotion that can run a story like that and do it justice needs to keep existing. The beauty of wrestling is it can be almost anything, from a nearly legitimate sport as it’s treated in Japan to an entertainment spectacle like WWE, and yes, even a crazy fantasy land with outlandish storylines and out of the box characters. So please, if nothing else, let’s get CHIKARA back into lives.
SkitZ: Damn you and your long-windedness, Mizfit. Allow me to reassure all of the nervous bastards who’ve chomped their fingernails down to the cuticles by now. There’s an impressive title reign with Danielson’s name on it that’s been stowed away for safe keeping. Either D-Bry’s payoff comes at WrestleMania or WWE has Punk slated to win the Rumble; prolonging Goatface’s drought until June, July or August. Nevertheless, count on Bryan hoisting gold again in the New Year. Or else WWE can expect a shitstorm on their hands so nutty, no sane person would bother trudging through it. Danielson is situated as The Authority’s Achilles heel (an obvious detail to the naked eye despite the writing staff’s tendency to oftentimes disguise it). Any fan who says differently deserves to have their IWC membership tossed in a blender.
I wish WWE studios would come up with a movie that I want to watch. Why can’t we have a feature about a robot hamster from space or mutant hedgehog intent on global domination? All of these “by the numbers” horror and action flicks are terribly dull; no wonder the cinemas are empty.
I wish AJ Lee would twerk Dusty Rhodes.
I wish they could invent a “queef cam” on the red button, allowing us to catch any foof farts on a specially adapted camera. We could click the button and discover which diva has the most frequent bouts of vaginal flatulence during matches. My money is on Tamina Snuka.
I wish John Cena and Channing Tatum could meet in the same room, discover they are twins from the same test tube, and embark on a mission to discover who created them.
I wish CM Punk would come up with an aftershave so every WWE fan could smell like him. A mixture of a tramps hat and a wet towel, you too could share the same musk as your favorite WWE superstar.
I wish Chyna would film any future pornographic movies in the dark.
I wish Sir David Attenborough could shrink himself to miniature size and explore Daniel Bryan’s enormous face fadge. Some say the lost tribe of the Gonnalickyabumbum reside in the giant mass of matted ginger fur. The revered botanist could create a series to captivate the world.
I wish HHH would pedigree Stephanie once again, this time in HD, so we don’t have to look at grainy images of her escaped nipple on paused computer screens.
SkitZ: I’d much prefer The Geek Goddess twerk me up, down and sideways rather than share her hind quarters with a water buffalo but you’ve certainly provided an interesting visual, Danno. Should you still be anxiously awaiting a brief glimpse of Steph’s areolas in 2013 though? Thanks to multiple pregnancies, those nips have been stretched and manipulated like a pair of kitchen gloves. Do you honestly think Hunter runs home to those deflated whoopee cushions every night with eager anticipation? No he w-… actually on second thought, Trips can flatten them at any moment if they start getting intrusive so yeah I bet that twisted fuck loves it. This PG nonsense has soured me (and not because of the company’s blood ban or rule against chair shots to the head). Those I’ve managed to live without. The fact that WWE’s Divas no longer grace the pages of PLAYBOY however tortures my libido on an hourly basis.
When the Multi-Colored One invited me to share my deepest wrestling desires for 2014, I was forcibly reminded of the part in Gremlins when the travelling salesman Randall Peltzer is warned not to feed his Mogwai after midnight, lest there be dire consequences. Nevertheless, here I am, metaphorically feeding the Skitzoid a great big turkey sandwich of grappling related hopes.
High on my priority list, now that the two world titles have been unified, is an increased focus on the midcard titles. The tag division has had a nice little resurrection going on, so I’d like that to continue. I’d also like the singles midcard titles to be defended prominently on pay-per-view, just as Langston’s Intercontinental strap was this past weekend. When booked well, midcard singles belts can really get a performer over as a legitimate star, and the likes of Big E. Langston, Damien Sandow and Dean Ambrose could really benefit from this kind of stable, regular booking with the belt. Now that the WHC is no more, some prestige can and should be restored to the championship once worn by the likes of Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Mr Perfect and Rick Rude.
Secondly, I’d like the Authority angle to get the almighty pay off it deserves at Wrestlemania. I’ve loved it throughout its duration and believe that it can be successfully concluded if WWE show the same care to it that they showed the title unification match on Sunday night. Let’s keep the unpredictability high, the television product tense and the outcomes unexpected. This is the most excited I’ve been about the product in years; now all that’s needed is a truly blockbuster Wrestlemania season.
Finally, I want to see a truly spectacular Royal Rumble match. We’ve not had a true classic since 2009 and so we are more than overdue. No daft joke entrants, no silly legends, just unadulterated quality, the 30 top guys, fighting for the most prestigious title shot in professional wrestling. And at the end of it all, I want D Bry yelling “YES!” in the middle of the ring having entered at number one and gone coast to coast. Not too much to ask, is it?
SkitZ: A truly spectacular Rumble, eh? Well aren’t we aiming a little high with our pelvic pistol. Star power is never an issue when it comes to the 30-man melee. Inserting random stars of yesteryear and wasting spots on statistical impossibilities however has become the Creative Team’s M.O. Folks should turn to history more often and adjust their expectations accordingly. Odds are there’s gonna be a handful of inclusions and exclusions you aren’t too smitten about. It’s also a pretty safe assumption that some of your sleeper picks to make a big splash in the Rumble will be about as effective as crotchless panties in a sexless marriage. Management’s juggling your elation with one arm and both eyes blindfolded.
I wish HHH would permanently retire from in-ring competition; legitimately putting someone over in the process.
I wish Randy Orton would job clean to Hornswoggle for 52 consecutive weeks.
I wish WWE would actually give Daniel Bryan his due.
I wish AJ Lee would leave Punk for me.
I wish Jericho would return in time for Mania.
I wish CM Punk would face Steve Austin in NOLA.
And finally, I wish Macho Man and Warrior would be inducted into the HoF this year while I'm in attendance.
SkitZ: Judging by his track record since 2010, I can’t imagine a pre-WM30 return for Y2J would shock anyone. Stone Cold’s involvement on the other hand is doubtful. Extremely doubtful. We’re all well-aware that when it comes to the wrestling business, Austin is less than cooperative. WWE would be at the mercy of his terms. Therefore, the only scenario I can see Steve showing up for ‘Mania is if he’s promised a cool million to indulge on a cold six and stun somebody. Or placed across the ring from a cardboard cutout of Debra with her restraining order hanging in the balance. Hogan’s a much stronger candidate to appear in NOLA. And lets be realistic here… what are the chances those two egos could fit on the same card without innocent lives being lost?
Dear Santa Mark Henry,
What I really wanted to wish for Christmas this year is, once again, a strong tag team division in the WWE. Looks like you were way ahead of me on that one, though, as we're already getting it before I can even have my stocking, and I thank you for that. Tag team wrestling is and always will be important, and moreso in the biggest promotion in the world.
So now I'd just like to wish for an even bigger 2014 for Daniel Bryan. 2013 was already big for him, and I think it's only going to get better from here on out. Roman Reigns is definitely cool, no argument on my end, but I put all my money and my marbles on Senor Goatface. He's the man. He's my spirit animal. He's my hero.
So, if it's not too much trouble, can we have that, Santa Mark?
SkitZ: ’Can we?’ is a good fuckin’ question. I’m torn. Mark Henry parading around as Santa crosses some ethical boundaries! Historically, Claus is viewed by many as a robust Caucasian fellow with strong Christian beliefs and an affinity for miracles. Or was that Jesus? Shit. Nevermind then. Referring to Bryan as your “spirit animal” has me back peddling and wondering what black magic you Filipinos practice. I am happy however that D-Bry’s struck a chord with so many different genres of wrestling fans. It’ll compel VKM and his corporate halfwits to remain loyal to Danielson for the duration; even in weak moments. If WWE is truly building towards the future, Daniel Bryan should serve as the foundation. The footings, the framing, the carrying beams, etc.
Keep in mind that I'm currently drinking, but I'm (Northern) Irish so it's to be expected. Here's what I want to see in wrestling, circa 2014.
TNA to go out of business. Why? Because I'm sick of seeing negative news reports, like the company being up for sale or AJ Styles being let go while they hire worthless hacks like Derrick (master)Bateman. If this is their death, stop making it so fucking slow and get it over with already!!
I'd love for AJ Lee to sit on my face. If not that, I want to see her fine behind in all its glory. Only because those restraining orders don't allow me near her any more. If not her, then I'll settle for Stephanie McMilf...
I want Seth Rollins to prove me right, after defending him (miserably, in my opinion) twice in Mazza's Smarks Court. He's the second coming of CM Punk, but thankfully he'll be a better wrestler than Punk is. Now, if only they can get him a mouthpiece.....
While I'm at it, I want CM Punk to stop doing his horrible elbow drop. Big Show does it better!
Please go away Santino. Forever. Keep in mind that I'm not like "The Gobbler" SuperChrissss, in that I wish injury/harm to him like he has implied to certain wrestlers before, I just want him to retire. His crap was old when I first saw him on my screen and it still is, 5 years later. You're not funny, so fuck off!
You can fuck off too Mysterio. Your knees should have given way by now. Saying that, my neighbor is a whore & her knees are just fine, but she isn't a Mexican Jumping Bean like you. Wait, I sound like SkitZ....
Lastly, if Batista is truly coming back as rumored, I want him as the heel he was before he left, or a character similar to Hollywood Rock in 2003. If not? No dice.
Shit, forgot to plug The Right Side of the Pond on LOP Radio every Friday....
SkitZ: Promoting an alternative source of entertainment ON MY WATCH??? The nerve of these Brits and their gang-type mentality. Since jumping to WWE, Punk has mastered the art of many things. Unfortunately, the top rope elbow drop he retrieved from the lost-and-found box should’ve stayed buried. I mean if a guy intends on paying homage to a wrestling legend’s old finisher, you’d figure the execution would be a top priority. Nothing worse than a slouch and a mooch, right? Yet the BITW appears unphased that his version of Macho Man’s signature maneuver resembles a wounded duck with a shotgun shell in its neck. Consider this mystery unresolved.
Alright, let's try this again...After my last letter was flagged as spam, I decided to try and re-write this thing to be a little less derogatory and little more concise. I've been as nice as possible and you've rewarded us with some pretty good matches and some glimmers of potential in guys pegged as future stars. Not to mention the rumored returns or debuts set for 2014. Thanks for that, really. However, looking forward into 2014, it's blatantly obvious you could work some magic in that "failure to book and promote shows properly" category. Not that anyone hasn't been asking for that for years. But the buyrate numbers falling down across almost all shows but WrestleMania clearly reflects that the mindset of "finalizing your show two weeks before the show" is far from a solid practice. Remind them to PROMOTE, PROMOTE, PROMOTE! And last but not least on my list for what seems like the 5th year in a row, make The Miz go away. Make it nasty, make it quick; just get him the fuck gone. Seriously. Au revoir~
SkitZ: Whoa now, redneck. Let’s not do anything drastic here. If WWE stones Miz to death, how am I supposed to get my rocks off berating his piss poor performances? I wouldn’t go stressing too much over the company’s pattern of inconsistency. Because in all likelihood, folks such as yourself will find themselves in the same exact position a year from now. The best advice I can give you is to pop a few Xanax and enjoy the product for the next couple months until it predictably tanks around May. Then find a secondary hobby to preoccupy you until December and repeat the process all over again. If you wanna sit idly by and wait for seamless storyline continuation to introduce itself, be my guest. I’d suggest some pain meds too then for the ass fucking kayfabe has in store for your virgin cheeks.
Crodus Blay -
How goes it, Jolly 'Ol Saint Nick? I've been a good boy this year, so I'm expecting you to pull through for me this holiday season. However, since I know you're busier than a pedophile at a "Wiggles" concert, I don't wanna work you too hard. That's why I'm going to keep myself modest, and limit myself to one wish. Yes, one single, solitary wish.
I'm not a greedy man. I only ask for one thing, Mr. Claus. Kids these days are so complicated; demanding you make them twitter machines and Wii boxes. But I only want one thing. I wish to tune into Monday Night Raw and hear...
"It's FAAAAAHNNN... Damien!"
Despite everyone ragging all over WWE's resident ballroom dancer, I happen to enjoy the guy quite a bit. His character (not just his ever-so-catchy entrance tune), is over with most fans, and homeboy can certainly go in the ring. Yet, they seem to have no direction for the guy, which is sad, considering how hard he was being pushed earlier in the year. Another dude who finds himself in a similar conundrum is the only man to have portrayed both the Easter Bunny AND Santa Claus, Damien Sandow. Two great personas with two directionless careers at the moment (unless you count trading wins with Dolph Ziggler a "direction"). With the resurgence of the tag team division, a chickenshit heel team consisting of these two would be hilarious.
SkitZ: Upon re-reading this, I sorta dig the idea. Both gentlemen are on the fast track to nowhere. Company officials flamboozled us into thinking they had plenty invested in Sandow as a credible main eventer; even going as far as to spotlight him opposite of Cena in an almost MOTY-caliber contest. And meanwhile, Fandango’s been helplessly thrown around the roster like X-Pac in Chyna’s slave chamber. Thus far in Damien’s career, he’s proven to be a bigger asset to WWE with an ally. Joining ranks with Curtis and Summer Rae could be a saving grace for both struggling midcarders. They each constantly flirt with comedy anyway. Brodus Clay & Tensai’s carnival act is set to canceled any day now so there’s a vacancy open in that role.
Prime Time -
I can only think of a few things I want to see in 2014, so I can be pretty brief. For years TNA has been, in my opinion, outperforming the WWE, so much so that I was often genuinely looking forward to watching wrestling again in a way that I hadn't really felt for quite a long time. Even though reports of their demise seem greatly exaggerated to me, there's no doubt that there's been a noticeable drop-off in quality over the past few months. So, the main thing I'd like to see is just them getting back to doing what they've been doing for years, and have a mainstream company put out something resembling a quality wrestling show.
As for the WWE, I'd love to see them abandon the weird system they've been running for years and revisit the older ways of doing things, ones that would actually hide the limitations of their performers rather than exposing them for even the most poorly trained of eyes to see...but I don't see that happening, somehow.
A final thought, and it might be a bit out of left-field, but I've always wondered what kind of audience there would be out there for Japanese wrestling if it were repackaged in the west so that it was a bit easier for anyone but the most diehard fan to get into. So I didn't even realize this until I started typing it, but I'd love to see someone give that a whirl, just as an experiment. I reckon there'd be more takers than people might imagine, although there'd be some difficult questions to negotiate concerning broadcasting, commentary, the overall presentation, and so on.
So broadly speaking they are three things I'd be most interesting in seeing. Other than that it'd just be the usual laundry list of 'more people I want to see', etc., etc.
SkitZ: Yours truly watched one complete episode of IMPACT this entire year; guilty as charged. So I can’t really give an accurate assessment of TNA… but that won’t stop me from rambling on about one of my weaker subjects. The episode I reviewed last month sucked more ass than Perez Hilton on a nudist beach. It felt like a low rent RAW and that’s being generous. Now I realize Prime’s better equipped to gauge a wrestling product as a whole but there’s little left in Dixieland for fan boys to sink their teeth into. Stars that the TNA faithful assumed would be permanent fixtures are fizzling out left and right. Over the course of the last thirteen years, the company only ever managed to excel in one area: flashing enough promise to buy themselves an extra week. No matter which excuse you’re relying on, TNA never mustered up the momentum to hit their stride and switch into another gear. Dixieland is on a financial nosedive and if hosting shows in high schools isn’t indication enough, you’re in some serious denial. There’s a nuclear warhead en route to Orlando as we speak.
What would I wish for in the world of Wrestling? For me, it's the same wish I wish every year. The same thing I think about all the time. My wish would be for WrestleMania to close and "Viva la Raza" to start playing. Eddie Guerrero comes out and smiles at the audience. Alive and well.
But it’s not happening. And that crushes me. I will still miss Eddie this time next year.
So fuck Christmas. And fuck everyone in the WWE. They couldn't lace Eddie's boots.
SkitZ: Perhaps no wrestling personality has left a larger imprint on the product than Eddie when he suddenly passed in ‘05. The IWC collectively mourned his loss but we each coped in our own unique way. Some wrote about it. Some quit watching altogether as Nony did. And as for me? Well I took it a step further.
Joey Shinobi -
What do I want in 2014? Well, I am a man of simple pleasures, so I only have a few things on my list.
The first is a reward for my new found sense of patience with the WWE product. Ever since Summerslam, I and my TRSOTP cohorts (listen Fridays from 9pm GMT/4pm EST) [/cheapplug] have argued that bigger things are planned for Daniel Bryan than a clean title win at Hell in a Cell; namely, his ultimate revenge and vindication on the grandest stage of them all. WWE have kept us guessing, but as we rocket on into 2014, the signs are looking good. Bryan is as over now as he ever was, and I'm still fairly certain my faith will be rewarded. Don't let me down, now, Vince.
The second thing I want is for a continuation of the overlapping of the storyline arcs we've seen recently. The possibilities that stem from the Triple H heel turn at SummerSlam are endless, so I'd like to think that someday Cody Rhodes can get his revenge on The Game for firing him, and that the mystery surrounding the 'kidnap' of Kane is revealed. I've enjoyed the attention to history that the likes of Cena and Punk have been able to allude to as of late, and I'd love for it to continue, because I think it gives a richer meaning to a lot of the feuds we're seeing.
My final wish concerns Batista. Now, I've seen some rumors suggesting he'll be returning in the New Year as a babyface, and some reports suggesting he'll join the Authority. Whatever happens, I hope he tears a quad while doing that dumb machine gunner impression, because I don't want to see him again. Fuck that guy.
SkitZ: Yikes. The wrestling populous seems hell bent on greeting Big Dave with flaming pitchforks rather than welcome the guy with open arms. Where’s the sense of community? There’s absolutely no need to aim your blow darts at The Animal just because he’s dropping by to ransack some of Vince’s fortune and hoard a spot in one of WrestleMania XXX’s headlining matches. Or is there? Alright maybe it’s a bit of a dick move on Batista’s part. Crap movies aside, I’m sure it wasn’t Big Dave orchestrating the majority of those phone conversations. His leaked return sounds like a regroup effort to soften the blow when it’s eventually revealed that Austin, Hogan & Goldberg won’t be appearing/competing in NOLA. If that is indeed the case, I fully endorse Batista as Public Enemy #1 in ’14!
To be honest, I've got a metric fuck ton of stuff on my Christmas wish list, such as the ability to travel back to 1994 whenever I want, or to be able to understand why a lot of people have been mourning the loss of a Nissan Main Dealer recently. However, the one wish that stands head and shoulders above the rest is this:
I wish for CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton in a triple threat match for whatever it is they're calling the WWE Title these days to be the main event at WrestleMania.
Not only would it be a fucking sweet match, but, if done correctly, the build up and resulting storyline could be awesome as well. Daniel Bryan versus Randy Orton and the Authority has arguably been the feud of the year, and has seen Bryan left with some unfinished business with the group after being unable to exact his revenge on the Viper. Then you've got CM Punk's history with Orton and Triple H to play off of, as well as an interesting dynamic of Punk and Bryan's friendship being put to the test as they both go for the same prize. Kind of like when you and your buddy both fall for the same girl. If you happen to be any good with girls that is. Funnily enough, SkitZ and I don't seem to have that problem...
In fact, you could even throw Triple H in there if the Cerebral Assassin doesn't have anything to do at 'Mania and go all WrestleMania 2000 style on everyone's ass. I'd buy it anyway, if only for the reason that CM Punk and Daniel Bryan in the main event of WrestleMania would be responsible for the biggest collective orgasm on the internet since Tori Black's debut in hardcore pornography.
SkitZ: ‘Ho boy. I’ve always admired your taste in dirty sluts, Freebee. Fans would commit unforgivable crimes to witness a WrestleMania spearheaded by Punk/Bryan/Orton. While I wouldn’t deem it a foregone conclusion just yet, the BITW and Danielson do appear to be venturing down separate paths as The Show of Shows approaches. Prior to TLC, I had glamored myself with visions of H/Bryan/Punk but then WWE went all straightforward finish on us at the one pay per view we actually wanted to see shenanigans rear their ugly head and it fucked my pipe dream into the fetal position. Thus for reasons outside of my control, I cannot give you my blessing on this in good conscience. I can however send you off with a parting gift.
"Vince! Hello! Vince you in there somewhere?!?" *
"Wh-what? Oh sorry. I had the strangest dream last night. I just can't get it out of my head. Paul please continue."
"Maybe you'd concentrate better once you tell us about it. We need your insight today dad", Stephanie said reassuringly as she put her hand on her fathers.
Vince looked around the table at the employees before proceeding, "Okay. I was at RAW doing a segment in the ring dressed up as Santa. We had the ring all set up like a Santa's workshop with presents, and decorations. Hornswoggle and El Torito were dressed up as Santa's helpers, and they were picking fans out of the crowd to come to the ring and tell me their wishes. The first few were little kids and they asked for dolls, shirts, replica belts, WWE 2K14, the usual things. The next few were adults. They started asking for Daniel Bryan pushes, a CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan Ironman match for the WWE title at the WrestleMania main event, and for John Cena to turn heel. They asked for Dolph Ziggler to win the MITB again and have a long title reign this time. One of them asked for us to make longer storylines that tied together instead of the directionless, stale stuff we currently do."
"Dad, you aren't actually thinking of giving them what they want are you?" Stephanie said incredulously.
"Hell no. The last little boy came up to me and asked me what I wanted. I was stunned. No fans ever that thoughtful. So I responded on national television that what I wished for, for the upcoming year was for all the adult fans to stop being entitled douchebags and to just be happy that I occasionally throw a bone to them on a show that's been designed for kids since they were little douchebags."
"Vince, slow down this is great stuff", Paul turned to look towards the other side of the table, "You guys getting all this? This is gold”.
The moral of the story? You can wish in one hand and crap in the other. See which one fills up first.
SkitZ: How prophetic of you. The Main Page audience may not see eye-to-eye with your delivery but at least you can take solace in the fact I understood the… uhhhhhhh
symbolism metaphors foreshadowing subliminal messages clever premise this fan fiction stands on. Despite our uncanny ability to demand more of WWE’s hierarchy than they can dish out, I entrust a businessman of Mr. McMahon’s standard to hire the kinda help that consistently keeps him ahead of the game. Period. And does he accomplish that? About as infrequently as a satisfactory Ryback match.
Whew so I’ve finally sling bladed my way through 2013’s heap of ornery wish lists. Naturally, The Candyman can’t call it a night without submitting his own countdown of absurd demands. So here goes. In the New Year, I’m wishing:
5) For Naomi to break out.
Of her jeans. For the love of wardrobe malfunctions, let that ass loose. A Divas Title reign would be nice too.
4) For Bray Wyatt to succeed.
At proving me wrong. I think he blows. Creepy promos alone don’t equal championships.
3) For Dolph to be the Undisputed Champion.
Of comedy. I’ve heard rave reviews about Ziggler’s standup shtick (from legit sources like Foley). If WWE plans on jobbing you out indefinitely, don’t settle. Flourish on a different stage. And fuck no, not in TNA.
2) For Kane to do the unthinkable.
Run for office in some branch of politics. The company might as well capitalize on his lame corporate gimmick somehow. And keep Taker/Kane III locked away in the same dungeon as Ryback’s popularity.
1) For Cena to admit he’s holding back and turn heel.
Stilettos, lipstick, fishnet stockings, the works. I want him repackaged as a transgender. If WWE’s Poster Boy refuses to become the villain we so desperately desire, at least spark some controversy.
"X" Smarks The Spot
Alright you know the drill, fruitcakes. I’ll lay down a couple questions and readers can either leave their submissions in the comments section below or email them to me (SkitzLOP@aol.com). After reading every entry sent in, I shall determine a favorite and that individual will be awarded 350 words of literary freedom to abuse in the next TMR; the only criteria being he/she keeps it wrestling related. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer here so don’t go all college thesis on me. Just respond in a timely manner and aim to amuse or alienate.
I. – With the thirty-some odd Christmas wish lists now on display, follow suit and give me your own. Anything Daniel Bryan or TNA related will be terminated immediately. I’ve gotten my fill of both for the foreseeable future. Throw something else in my lap (WITHIN REASON, PERVERTS).
II. – If he retired tomorrow, which company could you see Alberto Del Rio thriving at as their sales rep?
b) Taco Bell
d) The new Dos Equis guy
e) None; speech impediment
Tell me how you reached that conclusion.
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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