Taste My Rainbow - Our Big Fat Christmas Clusterf*ck
By SkitZ (and friends)
Dec 22, 2013 - 11:48:50 PM
Our Big Fat Christmas Clusterf*ck
Crude title, is it not? I had to lure you in here somehow.
Hello ladies and shallow bastards. This is the column that refuses to unify anything this holiday season – Taste My Rainbow. A special Christmas edition of TMR actually. After missing out on the festivities last year, SkitZ’ winter tradition has returned to stain your carpets with pity pleas and false prophecies. See every December, your host with the least to boast gathers up a formidable group of LOP writers past and present. They each then embark on a pointless quest and flood my inbox with wish lists optimistic of a generous New Year. Some learnt their lesson long ago and others well… they just don’t know when to fucking quit, do they? Apparently, the likes of Hustle, Doc, Al Laiman & Tito have outgrown my influence. Don’t worry though because come next Xmas, I have some tricks up my sleeve to sucker them all back in (blackmail, identify theft, you get the drift).
I’ll be considerate for once and warn you ahead of time: this bad boy is lengthier than Punk in 2012. The column stands at almost 13,000 words overall and features upwards of 32 entries so it may be wise to read this in separate sittings. In fact, lets split this monstrosity down the middle. I’ll post one half today and the other on Christmas Eve. Scanning through that many different wish lists can leave your head feeling like the victim of an automobile accident. Or in IWC terms, the brain rot a Del Rio segment can lead to. Perhaps a mixture of both?
My X'mas Wishlist
1. For PPV Posters to be Cool Again:
This is not nerdery, but I like a good PPV poster. This year there were some gems in the Elimination Chamber and Survivor Series ones, but the rest pretty much sucked. How does a bored Ryback sell Battleground? How does Sheamus' giant finger scream "Extreme Rules"? A little imagination would be greatly appreciated.
2. For Ryback to Never Wrestle a Major Match Again:
I'm usually not the one to wish for bad things for another person, but I just hate Ryback; can't stand him! One of my favorite LOP headlines this year was the one that reported that Ryback had some backstage heat. I was ecstatic and knew it was inevitable that people would see through his pompousness. Safe to say, I wish Goldberg never fights Ryback; or even if it happens, the latter loses in under a minute.
3. For Somebody to Take Brock Lesnar Guy Out (Not on a Date):
4. For WWE Crowds to Invent Something Else:
Honestly, I'm sick of the random "JBL", "Jerry Lawler", "Randy Savage" etc. chants. It's time audiences invented or did something else because this shit got boring back in June.
5. For Stephanie to Wrestle AJ:
6. For Dolph Ziggler to Finally, Finally Become a Main Event Staple:
Let's get serious here. Ziggler has been overlooked enough and I hope he’s learned his lesson and can control his mouth to an extent. It has been way too long that he has been ready to get pushed to that next level. The jokes should end now; it's time both he and the WWE got serious.
7. For PPV/Rivalry Montages to Get Creative Again:
Has there been ONE montage this year that was uber cool, other than the one for Cena vs. Rock II? No, there hasn't. How hard is it to make epic stuff like the "My Way" themed Rock vs. Stone Cold montage from 'Mania 17? Or the recent gem of the "Running Up That Hill" fueled HBK vs. 'Taker promo for WM 26? It’s time the WWE producers got creative again and put their talents to better use. The generic tunes should go away. Shit, a good montage makes an average feud seem something epic; see the "Letters From The Sky" themed Cena vs. Rock video from 2009!
SkitZ: What I wanna know is who Truth had to rape and behead to land himself on the HIAC poster. It’s befuddling. Pay per view artwork is always gonna be hit or miss. The same goes for Ryback’s booking. Luckily for you, Sheffield’s downward trend suggests dire circumstances for him in the New Year. The only meat hooking Ryberg will be doing in 2014 involves a webcam, a hatchet and a suicide note. I wouldn’t hold your breath in anticipation of seeing AJ/Stephanie either. Management, the stubborn cunts they are, won’t even call up an NXT Diva for Lee to feud with… what evidence is there to support her clawing with the boss’s daughter?
uncle joe –
Hello all, I am Uncle Joe, master of all things perverted and strangely misunderstood. I am here for my good friend Jo--er Skitz, who wanted me to share my own wishlist for the year 20 and 14, for he understands my plight, but forget all of that, let’s get to the nitty gritty shall we?
- For the age of consent to be lowered to 17.
I mean when I was growing up, chicks didn’t start growing tits and asses (arses for my international friends) til they were 18 and that’s if they even grew them at all! Now though? These fucking whores are bursting out the womb with a frame that would put Jessica Rabbit to shame, and what a shame it is. I live by like 5 high schools here in New York and do you know how many of those 15 year olds look like they’re 20 and man it’s not fucking fair man it is straight bullshit. Why should I be penalized or branded a fucking perv if A- this chicks LOOKS 20 B- Wants my cock and C-these chicks have seen more on the internet by age 8 than I have til I was 17. There is injustice in--
*Skitz relaying something inaudible to Joe--
Oh shit sorry guys, I had to give you guys a wishlist for WRESTLING related things. Well I’m afraid I’ve already taken up too much of your time so let me just leave you with this;
In the year 2014, I hope people come to their fucking senses and realize that HBK was NOT A GOOD WRESTLER FOR FUCKS SAKE... GOD!
SkitZ: Wonderful. I’m gonna have the pedophiles knocking down my door any moment now to form a fan club. Differentiating between minors and legals is tricky business, Joe. Anyone who toes that line is foolish and probably a registered sex offender. You’re quite right about HBK however. Michaels wasn’t a good wrestler…. He was a tremendous wrestler; far better than any hair-receding, cross-eyed Texan ought to be. Your bloodlust for Shawn is also somewhat disturbing. Is it the overdramatized theatrics and showmanship that tug at your short hairs?
(to be read to the tune of “Wishlist” by Pearl Jam)
I wish for Daniel Bryan to be finally crowned "The Man"
I wish the Deadman's Mania Streak would live forever on
I wish for Dean Ambrose to get a chance to just break loose
To feud with Punk and set the bar for many years to come
I wish the Network would arrive and be affordable
So I can watch the pay per views and not feel so ripped off
I wish for CM Punk to get the chance to reign again
I wish for AJ's title reign to stretch to next year's list
I wish for WrestleMania announced to hit Big D
I wish for all The Shield to shine like we all said they would
I wish for Randy Savage to at last be brought back home
I wish that Goldberg's passion matched the fee that he demands
I wish the Miz would go away and wrestle nevermore
I wish that they'd let Kane be Kane before he's done and gone
I wish for all the Wyatts to be crazy creepy fucks...
SkitZ: Ah it seems I’m not the only one who daydreams about Miz falling asleep at the wheel……. ON A TREACHEROUS HIGHWAY FULL OF HUNGRY BLACK BEARS IN THE PENNSYLVANIA MOUNTAINS. Alright listen I’m sure my animosity towards Mizanin reeks of stale jealousy. I assure you that’s only like 80% of it though. If Mr. “Must-See” put as much effort into his job as he does keeping Maryse under lock and key, I wouldn’t associate the guy’s name with every awful thing that happens in my day-to-day life. When my girlfriend’s vagina is dining on red wine and she denies me sex, I blame The Miz. When my tranny roommate leaves fuckin’ sweet and sour sauce all over the inside of the toilet seat, I blame The Miz. So if you take anything away from this, remember one thing – Miz is the root of all your problems; no matter how small and petty they may be.
According to wiktionary:
clusterfuck (plural clusterfucks)
1. (slang, chiefly military) A chaotic situation where everything seems to go wrong. It is often caused by incompetence, communication failure, or a complex environment.
I don’t agree with the definition at all. Fuck is the best thing on earth. (Disagree, you 40 year old virgin?) Clusterfuck in WWE should mean damn good segments where many seemingly irrelevant wrestlers meet up on screen to produce a big bang of entertainment. I love clusterfucks, but only well-done ones.
WWE had produced some really stupid clusterfucks in yesteryears where main-eventers simply showed up and started talking about nothing of importance. It acted only as an excuse for “Tag team match, Playa!” However, there’s been a wind of change. WWE has in recent time formed parallel storylines off the backbone of the Authority, who is screwing many stars at the same time. The best clusterfuck was the Raw ending on 9th Dec where a flurry of finishes brought resurrection life into not just the TLC main event but the whole Road to Wrestlemania. I haven’t mentioned the other darn good clusterfucks such as:
- July 15th Raw: John Cena choosing Daniel Bryan amidst the entire locker room line-up
- Sept 16th Raw: The entire locker room of faces rushing the ring to save Bryan from the Shield and Randy
- Nov 11th Raw: The Wyatt Family clashing with the Shield and then turning against Punk and Bryan, with the Usos and CodyDust joining the clusterfuck (This is AWESOME! *CLAP CLAP CLAP*)
These “storyline intertwining” clusterfucks should be the game changers in 2014. My 2014 wish for wrestling is this: Please give us more compelling, interconnected stories, and clusterfuck moments that actually mean a thing.
SkitZ: I admit to being the idiot who DVRed the go-home RAW before TLC without extending the recording past 11:05. So when the booming “Daniel Bryan/YES!” chants were finally dying down and Cena switched into stealth promo mode, the episode cut off and I double foot stomped my dog Cesaro-style. Fortunately for me, Michael Cole & Co. replayed the segment 14 million times the following week. I second JWG’s comments above. When backed by the right storyline or build-up, a clusterfuck can be just what the doctor ordered. Cena & Orton versus the entire RAW roster (circa ’08) for example was excellently booked. They FU-RKO’ed some sense into Cody and he ditched Holly soon thereafter.
For anybody who reads The Northern Star and/or listened to my short-lived radio show, it will come as no surprise that what I want for Christmas is for Daniel Bryan to get what he should have gotten at SummerSlam; a reign as WWE Champion that lasts longer than 24 hours and specifically one that lasts four to five months. Things are shaping up very nicely for the Wrestlemania season this year, but that doesn't stop me believing Bryan should have been the champ all along and since this is the time of year to be a true believer, I'll just switch my belief to his victory at the Royal Rumble and later at Wrestlemania. I also want a new contract for CM Punk this year. I know he's been considering retirement for three years, but I love the guy's work and selfishly, I want him to keep on wrestling. It's not like he doesn't have things to do, either. There's still the rematch with Lesnar possible, the chance to headline a Wrestlemania, an IronMan match against Daniel Bryan, you know, the usual stuff. C'mon Punk, just one more contract!
Speaking of "one more", how about one last run in ROH for Nigel McGuinness? Or at least one more match? The guy was a phenomenal talent who ran into a string of bad luck and if he's never going to get his shot at the big time having one last great showcase would be excellent. I want to want to watch TNA again. I want Shawn Michaels to stop looking like he's auditioning for Duck Dynasty. I want Madison Rayne in my bed, baby weight and all; but I guess I'd settle for her back on my screen in those amazing nude-color tights. Perhaps the most important thing, though, is that the WWE and World Heavyweight Titles remain unified. The World Title is now in Room 101, as Shinobi and I designated months ago, and this will help elevate both the Intercontinental and United States Titles back to a level of prominence. For titles to mean something should be every wrestling fan's wish.
SkitZ: I too have grown increasingly anxious in regards to Punk not renewing his contract next summer. To calm my nerves, I’ve convinced myself the only reason a new deal hasn’t been inked yet is because the BITW is holding out as a ploy for more guaranteed money down the line. If not, let us pray Brooks hangs around longer because of AJ and that their relationship lasts longer than his usual fling. The dude’s romantic history is more fucking complex than the menu at Cheesecake Factory.
What is top of Mazza's wrestling wishlist? It's simple. John Morrison. I miss those abs, I miss that hair, I miss that cool slow-mo entrance. More than that however, I miss the in-ring competitor. I've always been a fan of JoMo. Even going back to his MNM days he had something about him that I liked. That flash and cocky gimmick always appeals to me. Of course the issue for a long time was that many believed their wasn't a lot of substance behind that flash. It was a fair criticism to be honest. His offense was not particularly believable and there was a lot of motion for the sake of wowing rather than actually pretending to hurt his opponent. If you are a fan of realism in the product, then JoMo definitely wasn't for you. That was until his 2010 feud with Sheamus anyway. Something just seemed to click around that time in JoMo's head and suddenly the flash started to gain some substance. He begun to add decent psychology into his game and his final year with the company he looked ready for that step up. And then he left. We all know it's Melina's fault but one look at her doing the splits and it's easy to understand why he is so whipped. Would he be a world champ by now if he stuck around and kept his nose clean? That's debatable but one thing is certain: he would have been involved in some great matches. It's over two years now he's been gone and I think it is high time he made a return to try and fulfill that potential. Here's hoping that happens in 2014.
SkitZ: Say what you will about Morrison’s stick work. I never minded it all that much. JoMo pulled a Christian at the right stage of his career and, if not in 2014, I expect to see him Cirque du Soleil’ing around a WWE ring again by WrestleMania 31. Should Morrison be cast into midcard hell upon his return, look at the bright side… at least he won’t be burdened by a moody bitch this go-around. The only thing that’s taken more dicks to the face than Melina is JoMo’s respect in the locker room.
First of all, when are you going to catch up to the rest of the world and get an e-mail address? Jesus tits, when I flagged down the mailman to give him this letter, I swear it had to have been the first human contact he'd had since 2006. His English was rusty, for crying out loud.
Secondly, I have but a few wishes this year. I've given up on you giving the Oilers a hand and Natalya is finally making some consistent appearances on RAW, so those perennial pleads won't plague my list again.
Could you please pull some strings and get Wade Barrett doing some important things? I know this is the third or fourth year in a row I've asked for this, so I am willing to make some compromise this winter. Put Barrett in a long-term upper midcard role, and I promise I won't eat half of the cookies that I bake for you this year. Won't eat a single one.
Also, would you mind nudging the right people so that the part-timers don't eat up a horrible amount of time come WrestleMania? I don't mind the grandpas showing up, but you know it's near impossible for guys like Ziggler and Sandow to have WrestleMania moments when their matches get less time than Undertaker's entrance.
Those are my two biggest wishes, Santa. If you have time, maybe throw another Santino Marella action figure in my stocking, or bring back Torrie Wilson for a Bra and Panties match with Summer Rae...strictly for match quality, of course...but I know you're busy handling HR issues around the North Pole, so no worries if you can't get to those.
Just don't skip my house this year, you frosty fucker. I promise about the cookies.
SkitZ: While Undertaker is certainly an exception to the part-timer argument, I understand your frustration. What it boils down to is WWE not having enough faith in their rising stars to net hefty numbers at the big dance. However before we go flicking Rocky and Goldberg off the ‘Mania card like boogers, remember there is a way to rake in the green and promote the company’s young guns simultaneously. Something such as H versus Bryan would please both sides (that being the front office and IWC). Having said that, I’m sure this talk about Batista returning won’t sit easy with the part-time wrestler abolitionists. For what its’ worth, I totally agree that instances like Trips/Lesnar at WM29 shouldn’t ever happen. I’d rather listen to Curtis Axel cut a promo on his dad’s headstone.
Dropkick Murphy -
1. More whacky characters: I am a huge fan of gimmick wrestlers and their absurd storylines that accompany them. Right now, the only schtick of interest for me is Joseph Park / Abyss over in TNA. I want more Kane's, more Gangrel and the Brood's, more Godfathers and Boogeymen and original run Goldusts. Is it wrong of me to want to see fully developed and deranged characters instead of the league of one dimensional Kofi Kingstons?
2. A successful year for TNA: Not a huge ratings rise or another big signing. Just a year that wrestling fans can look back on and say, "Yeah, TNA 2014 really was a great year of wrestling".
3. A heel turn for John Cena: How can he not be the crown jewel of the Authority storyline? He is everything that H says Randy is on a weekly basis. That way we can get the Wrestlemania we all want, one with Daniel Bryan or CM Punk as the babyface contender for all the marbles.
SkitZ: If the Authority storyline is meant to have legs that extend past WMXXX, a Cena role swap should at least be on the table. Personally, I think there’s a better chance of the Westboro Baptist Church recruiting Pat Patterson but hey shit happens. Whether Cena’s character receives some shock treatment or stays the course, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over D-Bry & Punk being excluded from the title picture come ‘Mania. One of them will compete for gold (if not both). Unless management intends on giving fans another reason to hate Sheamus.
I’m a simple guy. I don’t ask for a lot of things. I don’t consume myself with material goods. I recently bought a house, which will help secure my future with my family. So my wishes for professional wrestling in 2014 all have to do with the future of the sport.
I want change at the top of the card in the WWE. I don’t want to see anymore Randy Orton/John Cena rematches. I don’t want to see the same people get pushed to the top time and time again. I want the WWE to start making new stars, thus giving the WWE Universe something new and exciting to watch, which brings me to…
I want Daniel Bryan to have a legitimately lengthy run as the WWE Champion (or whatever we’re going to call it going forward). The WWE Universe is speaking loudly and clearly that they want D-Bry at the top. He’s had a 2013 like no other, but we’re going to end the year with him nowhere near the Main Event scene. We have spoken, now I hope the WWE listens.
I want the current resurgence of the tag-team division to continue. As a lifelong wrestling fan, I’ve seen the tag team feuds that have rivaled even the Main Event feuds in terms of importance. The Rock and Roll Express/Midnight Express; The Road Warriors/Freebirds; The Dudleys/Hardys/Edge and Christian - they’ve all set the scene for great tag wrestling. The WWE has the foundation for tag team greatness, let’s see if they pull the trigger.
I want someone to buy TNA that can legitimately make them a viable option to the WWE. They’re circling the drain, and I really don’t want to see them vanish completely. But if things stay the way they are now, that would be a better alternative to the product they are currently producing. AJ Styles is gone, and many others could be following suit. It’s a real shame, and hopefully someone can step in and save the ship from sinking entirely.
I want the Ring of Honor wrestlers to find individual identities. Watching a Ring of Honor card is like watching the same match 8 times. Every wrestler has the same move set, and none of them have any individual identity. Every match is a spotfest designed to make the Ring of Honor fans ooh and ahh, while chanting “This is Awesome!” during EVERY match. Guess what, it’s not!
I want JTG to still be employed. It’s kind of a running joke now, so let’s keep it running.
I want John Morrison and Matt Morgan to return to the WWE. After interviewing these guys, I’ve come to understand the love they have for professional wrestling. Matt Morgan is one of the more agile big men in the business and can really bring something to the WWE table. John Morrison is unique in both style and character. By the end of 2014, I want to see them both back on my screen. To add to that, I wish all the best to Matt and his wife on a healthy baby.
I want to see The Ascension finally make it to the main WWE roster. They’ve been in NXT for quite some time, and with the tag division flourishing, I’d love to see them finally get their shot.
And finally, I want LordsofPain.net to continue to thrive and be successful. I don’t get paid to do this- none of us do, but my time here at LoP has been both entertaining and rewarding. To all my LoP brethren and to wrestling fans worldwide, I wish you all a fantastic 2014.
SkitZ: I tell everybody to keep it under 350 words and you send me 610? Self. Ish. It saddens me that WWE can’t elevate one of their divisions without sucking ass in another. For the first time in ages, we have close to 10 legitimate tag teams in constant, competitive rotation. But then what about the United States & Intercontinental Title scenes? Langston just squashes whichever guy’s impressed on Main Event lately and Ambrose is pretty much void of challengers. There’s no balance.
I want the WWE Network to work out. I don’t have a cable or dish subscription, I watch everything online (download, stream, netflix...etc.), so the recent news that this service will be in a similar capacity shows that at least someone in WWE is on the ball. I’m not saying TV is a dying medium, in a world of tablets and phones being used to view programming, it’s best to reach out to your audience this way. I hope they add a TV version as well, but the online presence is key.
I want more Wade Barrett on TV.
I want the past Raw (Dec. 9th edition) to be a great indication of what is to come during the Road to Wrestlemania. Orton, Cena, HHH, Bryan and Punk all in the mix at the top makes for much more potential to be a superior Wrestlemania card. Add Brock, Undertaker, Sheamus, and/or The Rock into the mix, and it can only get better.
I want Kassius Ohno to be re-signed.
I want to see more contracts and schedules arranged like RVD’s seems to be. While it is much more beneficial for stars like Van Dam who have the ability to pop the crowd with a surprise return every couple of months, this sort of set up can work for almost anyone on the roster. A few months off gave Wade Barrett a new direction (even if it’s a bit disappointing). It’s not exactly an offseason for the roster, but some planned time off per year for every WWE superstar seems like only a good thing in the long run.
I want Paige promoted to the main roster.
I want TNA to make an improvement in all regards. I’m not bashing them, but I’m sure everyone would agree that there is room for improvement. Whatever it takes for them to get even better, I’m all for. Why? Not because I’m a TNA fan, but because I’m a wrestling fan. Yes, it’s the tired old topic of stronger competition forcing WWE to step it up, but while the wish is not new, no one gets tired of the results when someone is pushing Vince McMahon like WCW once did.
I want the tag team division to continue looking strong.
I want a Daniel Bryan DVD like CM Punk’s Best in the World release. Using CM Punk’s pre-WWE career really helped make that documentary a step above most others. Daniel Bryan’s would most likely be even more impressive, especially if they could get their hands on some matches with Regal, or from Japan like they did for the Benoit DVD for example. Oh, and some better merchandise for him as well. Nothing released for the Seattle native has been special enough to buy a t-shirt of and wear in public.
I want WWE to do at least a live event in Halifax, NS. Or a UFC event, with TJ Grant as the headliner. Jon Jones would be nice too…
And on that note, Peace out.
SkitZ: Judging by his schedule, Kane might have the greatest benefit package of any active veteran on the roster (Taker hardly counts). Dude is granted chunks of vacation time and creative always sticks The Big Red Monster in the thick of things whenever he resurfaces. I dig the idea of implementing more veteran contracts like we’ve seen with Jericho, Christian, Henry, etc. What? Surely, you aren’t attributing all of SkidMark’s disappearing acts to surgery and rehab? WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE INJURED THAT OFTEN!? I swear that fat fucker’s limbs are made of jell-o and mashed potatoes.
Cult Icon -
Those who know me know that I'm not a complicated man; stick a Pepsi/Sprite in my hand and I'll pretty much do anything short of sexual favors (unless your name is Aubrey Plaza). So of course it should come as no surprise that my demands/wish list for wrestling this next year is...hell I don't even know what it is. I'm just here because SkitZ promised me a Salsa Doritos and the last remaining case of Surge left on the planet. Or did he?
Anyways, the list goes as follows:
-Daniel Bryan closes WrestleMania by winning the Undisputed WWE Championship. Forget Bryan-HBK or any other dream match scenario; anything short of Bryan winning the belt is unacceptable to me.
-Paul London gets an ROH Title shot. He doesn't need to win, he just deserves the shot. Please don't die Paul!
-CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar II happens again. Once is not enough for this guy.
-Ted Turner buys TNA. Long shot I know, but he still has the money, has the networks to give TNA more exposure and is the only guy who'd make Vince shit his pants. Although that may just be a regular occurrence for Vinnie Mac these days.
-A multi team tag team ladder match. You can't revitalize the tag team division again only to not bring back the best type of match the division can have. I still can't believe WWE dropped the ball on that for this Sunday; YOU HAD ONE JOB CREATIVE!
-SummerSlam at Madison Square Garden, partially because I could actually attend the event and because the WWE needs to have a PPV in Madison Square Garden again.
There, that wasn't too much was it? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go give my other wish list to Theo Epstein. Get me David Price dammit!
SkitZ: Funny how a Punk/Lesnar sequel appears to be a long shot and yet the company force fed us H/Brock on three separate occasions when everyone had lost their appetite after the first helping. And why bother wishing for a SummerSlam in MSG when you live in Rhode Island? I’d start small by concentrating on a smaller scale PPV coming to Providence, homie. Dream too big and it’ll ruin you (just ask TNA management). As for your compensation, I couldn’t get my hands on any Surge. Doesn’t it taste the same as every other citrus soda on the planet?
Smartbreak Kid -
Well here’s something I never thought would happen: SBK returns to LOP. I was graciously asked by Mr. SkitZ to participate in this year’s Christmas Wishlist Extravaganza. As the former author of The TNA Tirade, how could I possibly decline such an offer? That being said, I’m gonna keep this short and sweet, as I’m already digging into my word count. Here’s what I want out of 2014:
1. I want a new star to emerge. Whether it’s Roman Reigns, Fandango, or even Alex Riley, I want to see a marketable guy who can get it done between the ropes become a top star. Like it or not, “fringe of society” types do not appeal to the masses.
2. I want someone to buy and overhaul TNA. Something new needs to be done to shake things up and rejuvenate interest. At the very least, someone please replace Serge Salinas as their Entrance Music Guy.
3. I want Samuel Shaw’s character to actually murder another character.
4. I want John Cena vs. The Undertaker at WrestleMania XXX. I don’t care how convoluted the storyline has to be. I just need to see that goddamn match in 2014. Grainy YouTube clips of their previous encounters aren’t cutting it anymore.
5. I want naked pictures to leak of Brooke Tessmacher, The Bella Twins, Eva Marie, and/or ODB. That’s not a misprint.
6. I want to see my friends within the business succeed. In 2013, they have experienced tremendous success on various levels in Sports Entertainment. I can only hope they reach greater heights in 2014.
7. I want Tommy Dreamer’s “House of Hardcore” and Freedom Pro Wrestling in Wisconsin to emerge as major players in 2014.
8. I want internet wrestling fans to realize they don’t know as much as the guys who are actually in the ring doing it.
9. I want the words “work rate”, “buried”, and “Brooks” stricken from the vocabulary of wrestling fans everywhere.
10. And finally, I want Peace on Earth… or for The Rock to appear on The Steve Austin Show. Either way, I’m good.
SkitZ: Any guy who wrestles in swim trunks can’t be taken seriously. Not seriously enough to commit homicide on a co-worker anyway. If anything, Sam Shaw should do us a solid and kill off his own character. An OCD gimmick is basically a writing staff running on exhaust fumes. And although there aren’t any nudes of the broads mentioned above readily available on the internet, I can pass along some video clips of Chyna if you’re into sex with animals.
Seasons greetings, wrestling readers! Here is my holiday wishlist for 2014:
10. The long overdue arrival of a WWE career-spanning Kurt Angle DVD set.
9. Antonio Cesaro’s receding hairline miraculously reverses, thus eliminating the single reason he is not pushed to moon.
8. Christian returns for…one…more…pinfall victory over Randy Orton.
7. Five words: Bobby Eaton. Hall of Fame.
6. New RAW General Managers: Tim & Eric.
5. Impact loses time slot…to replays of WCW programming from 91’-95’.
4. AJ Lee sextape.
3. Wife’s forgiveness for repeated viewings of AJ Lee sextape.
2. Ric Flair locates Fountain of Youth. Drinks from it, but refuses to provide directions to Hulk Hogan.
1. Ohio Teacher Evaluation System to now base Teacher Ratings on WrestleMania Trivia score.
SkitZ: Likewise, the girlfriend doesn’t quite share my adoration for the reigning Divas Champ. I attribute all my beef jerking to Lee’s ample bunions (as well as her ability to scale a dude like a rock climbing wall). Moving forward though, I’m vehemently against the notion that Cesaro is being sandbagged because of his glaring baldness. Antonio’s polished dome sure as hell beats one of those ill-advised European hairdos.
- The inevitable Shield break-up
- Daniel Bryan finally gaining his revenge on The Authority
- Rey Mysterio's knees lasting a whole year
- An Antonio Cesaro title run (at any level)
- The development of the WWE app to the point where you can control the wrestlers in the ring and flash voting on what they should do next.
SkitZ: Honestly, I would be fuckin’ terrified if WWE sacrificed in-ring psychology for the sake of advancing social media. Paralysis and blood transfusions would become commonplace. I suspect we’d witness Daniel Bryan’s heart implode eventually and Regal’s offense result in an alarming number of casualties. As far as Mysterio goes, I’ve been unfairly critical of him in recent years. It’s been weighing on my conscience. Therefore in 2014, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the crippling arthritis awaiting Rey Rey holds off a little longer. I trust that his Guatemalan doctor has realized by now that you can’t repair a busted-up leg with spare bike parts.
So what do I want out of the WWE in 2014? Well, right now, I don't know if they're planning for the future, or hoping John Cena = ratings for the... what, 12th time? Anyways, these thoughts are about a day before whatever occurs in the mighty TLC PPV, so boo hoo if Curtis Axel shocks the world and becomes the first Undisputed World Wrestling Champion through bizarro shenanigans.
You have to have something blown way out of proportion and/or "doomsday" level of terribleness. With that said, I want Eva Marie to become the Divas Champion in 2014 without ever performing a single move in the match she's in. Imagine a Fatal 4-Way Match and Eva Marie is left alone in the middle of the ring, and makes the pin. Can you imagine the sheer Paulcano-esque trauma the hearts of every single person you wish. I demand something so unbelievably mind blowing that it defies logic and could cause mass suicides... if it was still real to them...
Now the opposite. Something that lives on forever in the soul of anyone who ever wanted to see Edge come back for one more Ladder Match with Christian, but that's not happening, unfortunately. With that said, I want The Undertaker's opponent at Wrestlemania to be John Cena. Not counting that tag match at No Way Out, I believe Undertaker defeated Mr. Cena way back in 2003. Look it up: Vengeance. Anyways, if Cena didn't already waste his time putting over Daniel Bryan in Summerslam, the possibility of Cena beating The Undertaker could make even Dolphins1925 ponder the meaning of life. Either way, Cena vs. Taker needs to happen now more than ever.
Something personal. I want Ryback to be a face again. His heel run has been nothing but failure. It made the angels in heaven cry tears of sulfuric acid when he transformed into some fat guy in TNA with less denim and more RVD. Looking back, Ryback should have turned heel at Summerslam and I would have accepted that, provided it was going to be Ryback vs. Cena for the WWE Title. However, Ryback went from having 2012's Catch Phrase of the Year, to being one-half of a lacking tag team.
Something I've been pondering more than I should. I want Jerry Lawler to step down from the announce table and let RAW & Smackdown be called by a two-man crew: JBL & Michael Cole. No, wait.. keep it three, but add that one woman everyone seems to get a hard on when she smiles, Renee Young. Sorry, gentlemen and lesbians, I just don't see it. Regardless, Lawler's time has come to move on from commentary and it's time for someone more awesome... no, not you, Miz, but I think Alex Riley still believes.
Now for a bunch of run-downs:
- Royal Rumble Winner: Antonio Cesaro
- Still having 2 Elimination Chamber matches at said name's PPV
- Shawn Michaels & HHH vs. CM Punk & Daniel Bryan at Wrestlemania (DX vs. "Best Ever")
- The Dynamite Kid, Jake Roberts, Stan Hansen, Paul Heyman & The Great Muta going into the Hall of Fame.
- Money in the Bank Winner: Roman Reigns
SkitZ: While Castagnoli winning the ’14 Rumble is laughably ambitious, it’s pretty conceivable that Reigns will be the stud chosen to claim the
red blue (black?) briefcase when July rolls around. What we really need to ask ourselves however is whether or not Roman can rock that type of luggage. I mean imagine how many miles The Shield’s muscle has already logged in his young career walking back and forth from the locker room area to ringside. What if Reigns strapped it for travel?
Super Chrisss -
Ah, Christmas. My second favorite time of the year (after Halloween, of course). I forgot to ask Mommy Santa Claus for a DVR - I think such a purchase would make a three-hour Raw much easier to get through - so I'm writing to you now, Wrestling Santa, before those damn Alzheimer's kick in again.
Santa, my request is a very selfless one this year. I'm not asking you for a free subscription to the upcoming WWE network. I don't want you to Fed Ex me all the latest superstar gear and memorabilia from WWE Shop. Instead, I want you to convince Vince McMahon and his right-hand men to kick off 2014 the right way. Starting from the very first Raw of the New Year, until the rest of time, I want you to eliminate social media from all aspects of WWE programming.
...Well, maybe not all of it. I know pretty much every television show and upcoming movie release likes to hashtag their product. So I'm fine with you keeping that little "#Raw" on the upper-left corner of your TV screen. But everything else has to go. No more WWE App; over the past few months, you have proven that the votes are rigged, the outcomes don't really matter (what's the difference between a "Street Fight" and a "No DQ" match?), and you show what happened "exclusively" on the App anyway. For everyone who has the App downloaded, good for them. But I don't want to see that shit on Raw or SmackDown ever again.
The Twitter ticker, where you show tweets from A) wrestlers who use nothing but random hashtags or fans who can't spell properly or use correct grammar, has to go. Those tweets - especially those which butcher the English language - make YOU look bad. I don't care about those people, and I'm certainly not going to follow someone who hashtags the abbreviation "lol".
Lastly, if Tout is still a thing, get rid of it. Tout is, quite simply, bad for business. I know you spent millions of dollars investing in Tout, but you're not going to make a profit out of it. Pull out while you still can, Vince!
Look, Santa, I know I'm asking for a lot, but if you really are a gracious do-gooder, you'll rid WWE of social media and make the commentators almost bearable to listen to. That's the least you can do for me, right?
SkitZ: From where I sit, social media is a smark’s worst enemy. I realize Michael Cole believes in his heart of hearts that WWE is the biggest thing since Hanson but let’s face facts… it isn’t (“MMMBop” simply can’t be touched). Most of us are closet wrestling fans. The last thing we want is the company whoring itself out to every media outlet. Plus if this societal branch-out initiative is responsible for meaningless guest hosts appearances like that balls Michael Strahan/Miz segment, I’m fully on board with pulling the plug. Anything to stop Cole from giddily bouncing up and down while he’s shilling stuff to viewers. I swear he has a sybian fastened to the seat of his chair.
SkitZ’ Hit List of Mentioned Unmentionables
I hit LOP roughly a year after Snapple left the Main Page. Tis’ a shame too because I would’ve loved working with him at some point. Dude’s an absolute riot. T.O. mentioned Snaps in the forums months ago and his praise caught my attention. So I did some digging. I believe this served as Snapple’s final piece of work around these parts. As you’ll soon see, we’re keeping with the Christmas theme. Originally posted December 25, 2005.
-- Wrestling in a Bottle: Dear Santa… (click here)
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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