Disclaimer: I’ve come to the realization that this column blows. Why am I posting then? (Fair question) It’s sorta like masturbating because you need to drain the valve; not necessarily because you’re horny.
Taste My Rainbow - Mr. Elimination Chamber (& His Entourage)
Feb 4, 2014 - 10:29:44 PM
Mr. Elimination Chamber
(& His Entourage)
Welcome back to the column that’s losing its sanity almost as rapidly as Tito - Taste My Rainbow.
Alright so in the spirit of WrestleMania and the passover pay per view that precedes it, I’ve decided to rank the greatest Elimination Chamber performers in WWE history. Allow me to set something straight though right off the bat. There’s no big swerve or shocking payoff at the end. I didn’t skew any numbers. CM Punk’s not the winner so take your groundswell of internet nerdery elsewhere. Any knowledgeable wrestling fan could piece together the majority of this list on their own without all the unnecessary math I did. This is nothing but a timely statistical column to satisfy my Caucasian impulses.
First and foremost, I drew up a straightforward ranking system to organize this untidy clusterfuck of data. Factoring the most critical of variables, my formula goes something like this:
-- Total minutes logged inside chamber (1pt for each minute)
-- # of appearances (5pts each)
-- Wins to his credit (20 points each)
-- # of eliminations accounted for (10pts each)
-- Add together the sum and divide by 4 (to make this seem like a more intellectual equation than it actually is)
Seems basic enough, right? I dumbed it down for the feeble-minded readers. Each wrestler has been rated accordingly based on their ECB Score. ‘Elimination Chamber Badassness’ is admittedly the best categorical description I could come up with (fuck you, Doc). 46 individuals have competed in the Elimination Chamber since its inception. Any cunt stain with 0 wins and 0 eliminations isn’t worth ranking in my opinion. That excludes 16 dudes which, as luck would have it, leaves us with a nice even 30. Before we crack into the rankings however, let us reflect quickly on the bitter disappointments.
Milk Duds, Whoppers & Whatchamacallit
-- [The Miz] Surprisingly enough, Mr. Must-See lasted over 32 minutes in the 2012 WWE Title Chamber; an impressive performance in the midst of a losing streak befitting of his talents. Not only is Mizanin a jizz pillow in general but he delivered arguably the weakest diss in wrestling history during a verbal debate on RAW (yes the one where R-Truth rambles on about spider soup). Punk’s response is perfect.
(fast forward to 8:00)
-- [Dolph Ziggler] The Blonde Perm ate a codebreaker early in the same match as The Miz ^ and sold it like Jericho shot him at point blank range with an assault rifle. Eliminated second overall. And so goes the story of Nemeth’s life – enjoy the theatrics while you can because it’s time sensitive material. If these rumors of a Ziggler/Miz tag team are in fact legitimate, I can add that to my ever-growing list of Reasons I Should Kidnap Maryse.
-- [Drew McIntyre] VKM’s abandoned lab rat still served a purpose in 2011 and it netted “The Chosen One” a spot inside SmackDown’s Chamber. The results were expectedly blah and mediocre enough to prevent management from booking an encore. Those of you clamoring for another McIntyre push are more twisted than Sheik when he meddles with technology.
-- [Wade Barrett] The former ringleader of Nexus didn’t accomplish shit in consecutive SmackDown Elimination Chamber matches between 2011-12; successfully failing in yet another area of his career. Strip away Barrett’s regalness on the mic and I’m completely at a loss as to what fucks I should give.
-- [R-Truth] The first guy eliminated in each of his three chamber appearances; proving that he’s pretty much useless aside from self-deprecating humor. Truth raps like Batista wrestles.
-- [Mike Knox] Kelly Kelly’s pity fuck weaseled his way into RAW’s Chamber match in ’09 because it was a down year… And HBK & Orton were tied up in other matters on the card. I would’ve much preferred Vince sending Shane in there and seeing how many spots it’d take that crazy bastard to paralyze himself.
-- [Vladimir Kozlov] The Moscow Mauler’s push imploded shortly after his garbage performance in SmackDown’s 2009 Chamber to the astonishment of absolutely no one. Vlad’s execution inside the cell wasn’t the catalyst for his undoing. Nah that credit goes to the previous 10 months of underachieving.
-- [Umaga] The Samoan Bulldozer dominated a sizable portion of RAW’s ’08 Chamber match. Fatu straight up wrecked fools in his singular appearance and coincidentally, Batista nearly wrecked his career with a botched powerbomb six weeks later at ‘Mania.
-- [JBL] Bradshaw gave a rather ho-hum effort in the same match as above ^. I did however very much enjoy watching him chair the shit out of everybody following his elimination.
-- [MVP] Porter brought his ‘A’ game in SmackDown’s 2008 Chamber bout before Undertaker reverse chokeslammed his ass off a pod (and yes it looked as stupid as it sounds).
-- [The Great Khali] Predictable showings in SmackDown’s ’08 & ’12 Chambers. Tons of awkward movements and arm flailing. To be fair though, it’s not exactly his domain (resurrect the Punjabi Prison!).
-- [Hardcore Holly] His last second replacement of Sabu in ECW’s only Elimination Chamber not only pissed off a bunch of PPV buys (okay maybe ‘a bunch’ isn’t entirely accurate) but stunk of sabotage on Vince’s part.
-- [Big Daddy V] He came. He flopped. He went home.
-- [Kurt Angle] You’d assume the Olympic Gold Medalist would’ve had a better resume in this category. The Wrestling Machine only competed in the 2006 Chamber however; going on a caffeine-fueled rampage before being eliminated in surprising fashion by his rival HBK.
Chris Benoit] The Crippler’s days of competing for the World Title were slipping away faster than his mental state. Benoit hit the bricks early in the 2005 Elimination Chamber bout thanks to a spinebuster from Batista. And somewhere in Orlando, Kevin Nash smiled watching this.
-- [Kevin Nash] Speak of the devil! One of Triple H’s prostitution ring of victims in 2003. There’s literally only one thing worth mentioning about Diesel in the SummerSlam Chamber match and that’s the fresh new dyke haircut he’s rockin’.
Right then the trash has been sorted. Now onto the list…
Warheads & Atomic Fireballs
#30. Booker T (ECB Score: 8)
>>> The 4-time, 4-time, 4-time, 4-time Vince Russo Champion was essentially a tag team wrestler who snagged a spot in the first-ever Elimination Chamber because of his growing popularity in 2002. Free of Goldust’s sexual advances for an evening, Book fared relatively well and lasted nearly 18 minutes before receiving the boot from his arch nemesis Y2J.
#29. Test (ECB Score: 8.5)
>>> Another WWE guy pretending to be “extreme” on ECW following the relaunch. Stephanie’s former fling eliminated Holly (to crickets) and RVD (to groans) at December to Dismember before Lashley disposed of him like a pregnant mistress.
#28. Finlay (ECB Score: 9.75)
>>> Ah the ol’ ring general. The visual of Hornswoggle’s head poking out through the chamber floor felt sci-fi movie worthy (Prometheus springs to mind). A chokeslam from Taker onto the steel floor derailed The Irishman’s plans of main eventing WrestleMania 24. On the contrary, Finlay would go on to defend the honor of midgets everywhere but come up a bit short.
#26. Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase / Tie (ECB Score: 10)
>>> The former Legacy allies finished with identical numbers?? WHAT ARE THE ODDS. Cody managed to eliminate Big Show in the 2012 World Title Chamber after he and Barrett effectively ran the train on the giant. Meanwhile, The Fortunate Son scored the biggest upset of his career when he pinned Orton in 2010 following an errant(?) steel pipe to The Viper’s head. That moment saw Dibiase peak however as he eventually traded in his wrestling gig for a housedad apron and toilet scrubber.
#25. Chris Masters (ECB Score: 10.75)
>>> Fuck passing a drug test. I doubt The Masterpiece could’ve survived a basic level IQ survey without cheating. What a dull bag of rocks. Fortunately though, Masters had Carlito to leech off in 2006. At New Year’s Revolution, he and Colon simultaneously pinned Kane… wait does that mean I should’ve only awarded Master Card half the points then? Shit.
#23. Rob Van Dam & Mark Henry / Tie (ECB Score: 12)
>>> Fresh off his latest excursion, SkidMark entered the 2013 Chamber match and steamrolled both members of Team Hell No successively. RVD on the other hand, uprooted CM Punk from the Extreme Elimination Chamber and did squat in the inaugural match in MSG. If Van Dam had landed slightly different when he frog splashed Triple H’s neck from atop that pod, The Game would’ve never been able to speak again (or cut a promo) without the use of a computer. What a shame that would’ve been…
#22. Goldberg (ECB Score: 13.5)
>>> I never hopped on the hype wagon so when Hunter decked Buffalo Bill during a midair spear and escaped with the World Title, I marked a little down my left leg. Goldberg’s time in the SummerSlam Chamber was pretty limited but the dude made his presence felt; destroying Orton, Michaels and Jericho all in a three minute span.
#21. Santino Marella (ECB Score: 14.75)
>>> He’s not ever really meant to be taken seriously so when Santino had Daniel Bryan on the brink of defeat in 2012, it knocked fans on their asses. Marella raised eyebrows when he pinned both Cody and Barrett before squaring off with D-Bry for three incredible minutes (something I pride myself on between the sheets). We figured Santino’s involvement was simply a “thank you” from WWE management. However it led to a strong midcard push and truly awful United States Title run.
#20. Carlito (ECB Score: 15.75)
>>> Ah yes the place where many good pushes have gone to die. Colon impressed with his appearance in the ’06 Chamber match; heelishly surviving until the end and eliminating three dudes in the process (fine… two and a half dammit). Partnering up with Masters throughout the chaos and then betraying him in the closing moments made me an admirer of Carlito’s for a stretch. The spitter quickly developed a case of the Lesnar’s however as every time he opened his mouth, credibility fell out.
#19. Jack Swagger (ECB Score: 16.5)
>>> The Real American’s renewed push last year came with a gift-wrapped victory in the 2013 Elimination Chamber. Swags caught a distracted Orton with a roll-up for the cheap victory. Considering Jacky Boy’s now a slave to the tag team division some twelve months later, its safe to say that decision (creatively) flopped harder than
Owen Hart my Grandmother from chain smoking and her lousy diet.
#18. Bobby Lashley (ECB Score: 17.25)
>>> I always assumed Lashley’s overnight jump to ECW and subsequent title win was because of his backstage politicking. However I suppose its possible that Vince wanted to cram Bobby down our throats without it effecting Cena or Batista (who each had a stranglehold on their respective shows). Lashley knocked off Test and then sent the giant into hibernation to a “well fuck this is better than the alternative” reaction from the crowd.
#17. Kofi Kingston (ECB Score: 18.25)
>>> It’s ironic that Miz referred to Kofi as an “afterthought” on RAW two years ago because he himself is less than that. A brain fart of insignificance. Kingston’s outings in the 2010 & 2012 WWE Title Chamber matches were par for the course with Dibiase serving as his lone elimination. Kofi stole a spot in the middle of the pack because of the minutes he logged; 26 in one chamber and 27 in the other. Further evidence that stamina can mask one’s shortcomings (how else would I be able to maintain a sex life?).
#16. Jeff Hardy (ECB Score: 20.5)
>>> In retrospect, Vinnie Mac should’ve just placed the Hardy Boyz & MNM in the Extreme Elimination Chamber and cut off the dead weight. That would’ve reduced December to Dismember to a one match card though… Then again, Mr. McMahon wanted the show to fail anyway so Jeffro’ can blame the boss for not ranking higher on my coveted list. Hardy was up to his usual hijinx in SmackDown’s 2008 & ’09 Chamber contests; doing a lot of unnecessary twists and flips to excite the underage emo chicks in the audience. Despite respectable showings in both, Jeff got owned by Hunter & Taker consecutively which didn’t sit well with his adolescent demographic.
#15. Sheamus (ECB Score: 21)
>>> Beating him out by a measly half point is the ugly duckling of this year’s WrestleMania event. The Elimination Chamber hasn’t been kind to The Celtic Warrior. In a bizarre twist, the ginger’s been the focal point of some unprofessional hazing on Triple H’s behalf. Hunter cost Sheamus the WWE Championship in 2010 and then buried The Great White shortly after the 2011 edition. Sheamus did collect a pair of eliminations along his travels but lets not pretend that pinning Kofi and R-Truth is – or ever was – a big deal.
#14. Daniel Bryan (ECB Score: 22.5)
>>> The heartbeat of the IWC has only just begun to carve out his Elimination Chamber legacy. We’ve witnessed quite a contrast for D-Bry at the event in the past two winters. He outdueled Santino in 2012 (yes seriously) to retain the World Heavyweight Title and then received the jobber treatment in ’13 by being the first guy sent home from Swagger’s slumber party. Me thinks Danielson will shoot up this list like a psychotic teenager after his performance in the upcoming Chamber bout.
#13. John Morrison (ECB Score: 22.75)
>>> Abtastic took over where Hardy left off inside the chamber; turning heads with his parlor tricks. JoMo finished runner-up to the runner-up (more commonly referred to as ‘third place’ by you tight asses) in 2010 & 2011. Aside from showing off his parkour skills inside the Elimination Chamber, Morrison scored pinfalls over Mysterio & Sheamus and possibly would’ve stuck around longer if not for fear of walking back through the curtain and finding Melina in a compromising position.
#12. Batista (ECB Score: 25.5)
>>> For the moment, Big Dave won’t be adding to his Elimination Chamber credentials this year. Thus rendering The Animal at risk of tumbling down this list in a couple weeks (while he continues to skyrocket up your list of most despised wrestlers of the New Year). Due to injuries and his
various manicure appointments extended absence from WWE, Batista’s only competed in the 2005 & ’08 Chamber bouts; eliminating Benoit, Jericho and Viscera before dropping to his knees and polishing Undertaker’s urn.
#11. Rey Mysterio (ECB Score: 31.5)
>>> The Mexican Jump Bean’s performance in the 2010 World Title Chamber was largely unproductive but he did manage to pin Punk (who despite the awesomeness of the SES, was still trapped in jobber limbo). Mysterio made his mark in 2009 & ’11 where he closed out both with stellar sequences against my Edgykins. Rey Rey might’ve upset the likes of Jericho & Kane but he couldn’t overcome the Rated R Superstar who always seemed to have an answer.
#10. Big Show (ECB Score: 34)
>>> What? I’m no more happier about him cracking the Top 10 than you are. Much like his career, TBS made a living in the chamber almost solely off appearances and overstaying his welcome. If minutes weren’t accounted for, the giant would fall at the very bottom of this list. Despite four cracks at the Elimination Chamber, Big Show only mustered two eliminations; Wade Barrett and fuckin’ Khali which isn’t as much a groundbreaking feat as it is a weekly occurrence.
#9. Kane (ECB Score: 34.5)
>>> The Big Red Machine’s activity in the EC reads like a carbon copy of the Big Show’s… Five appearances and yet only two eliminations he’s credited for (TBS & McIntyre in 2011). Kane’s usually the victim of an early exit and seems content with merely throwing his name in the hat. Therefore, lets be grateful that Corporate Kane won’t be anywhere near the ’14 Elimination Chamber match. His hairstyle is off-putting and there’s no Punk’s around to keep him relevant.
#8. Shawn Michaels (ECB Score: 42.25)
>>> HBK set the precedent with an awesome comeback performance in the inaugural Elimination Chamber. Despite his Peter Pan/Village People vibe, Michaels eliminated Jericho and Triple H en route to capturing the World Title. It’d go downhill from there unfortunately as HBK bent over for Goldberg in ’03, got inexplicably pinned by Carlito in ’06 and laid down once again for his good buddy in ’08; proving that no good win over The Game goes unpunished. Not even those within his inner circle apparently.
#7. CM Punk (ECB Score: 44.5)
>>> The BITW put forth a solid rookie effort in the Extreme Elimination Chamber although many were expecting more from him in said match. Tis’ a shame Vince didn’t go along with Heyman’s suggestion of Punk winning. Then the Straightedge Superstar maximized his minutes in 2010 by ridding us of R-Truth right off the bat and cutting one of his signature SES promos. Punk mainly warranted this spot on my list with his two most recent performances in the Chamber. Between 2011 & ’12, Brooks racked up four eliminations, upwards of 65 minutes, earned runner-up honors in one and strutted away the eventual winner of the other. It saddens me that Punk won’t get the opportunity to pad his stats in the near future (or perhaps ever again).
#6. Randy Orton (ECB Score: 45)
>>> The Viper received the short end of the stick in the SummerSlam Chamber bout; accomplishing little before being spoonfed to Goldberg. NYR ’05 witnessed Orton (a young babyface version that triggered more indifference than his current form) come close to upending Evolution but ultimately fail. Then after five years of polluting the WWE Title scene, Orton returned to the chamber where his Legacy pals “inadvertently” screwed him with a steel pipe(…). Randall missed the 2012 installment due to a concussion but bounced back nicely last year by eliminating Jericho & SkidMark; taking second behind Swags.
#5. Edge (ECB Score: 46)
>>> Not the strongest candidate numbers wise but likely the sentimental favorite in EC history. Copeland knew how to make a statement besides just tossing his hockey stick in Lita’s goal. After having his night cut short in 2005 thanks to HBK’s BIASED OFFICIATING, The Ultimate Opportunist went to work. While he didn’t physically compete in the ’06 Elimination Chamber, we all remember what followed (and I wish I could award him extra points just for the clever MITB cash-in). Edge pulled double duty in 2009; losing the WWE Championship at the start of the PPV and closing the show by stealing the World Title (whilst also cockblocking Kofi from losing his EC virginity). Copeland received a free pass in 2010 thanks to the Rumble but resumed his winning ways the following February with a successful title defense after knocking Mysterio’s Jenga legs out from underneath him.
#4. Undertaker (ECB Score: 49)
>>> The Phenom’s legacy inside EC might only span 2008-10 but rather than coast on reputation like most veterans would, Taker strapped on his big boy boots. Not only did The Deadman go the distance all three years but he accumulated sex eliminations and nearly busted in two of them (…..wait what?). HBK sneaking into SmackDown’s Chamber in 2010 and costing Taker the World Heavyweight Championship still stands as my favorite non-Edge memory in EC history.
#3. John Cena (ECB Score: 56)
>>> Ha! A far cry from #1 (although he easily could be in a couple weeks from now…). Upon first glance, I read that Cena piled up 9 eliminations in 4 Chamber matches which is apropos given who we’re talking about. But after doing some closer research, it quickly dawned on me that the number was suspiciously skewed. Fuckin’ Wikipedia. WWE’s Poster Boy only lassoed three eliminations which, after refiguring some math, was still enough to land him seven points ahead of Taker. Cena can attribute his high placement to booming merchandise sales and crossover appeal (and winning the chamber 3 times in 4 tries I guess).
#2. Chris Jericho (ECB Score: 93.25)
>>> Y2J’s longevity is on full display. Dude competed in both the first-ever Elimination Chamber as well as the most recent installment. Jericho’s taken part in 8 of the 16 EC matches which is absolutely ridiculous (especially considering that statistic improves to 75% if you don’t count the four chambers Y2J missed whilst bumming around Hollywood). The multi-faceted celebrity holds the record for most eliminations at 10; scoring a pinfall in every one of his EC appearances up until 2013. Y2J finally emerged from the chamber victorious in ’10 with an accidental(?) assist from HBK. It really came down to Jericho’s lack of wins that stopped him from placing first. He dominated in just about every other major category.
#1. Triple H (ECB Score: 93.5)
>>> Mmhmmm. By a quarter of a motherfucking point. When I drew up my initial ranking system, Jericho actually took top honors. After some contemplating however, it occurred to me that winning the Elimination Chamber match should be worth more so I upped the ante from 15 to 20 points. Lo and behold, it swung the balance of power in Trips’ favor. Folks thought Hunter held down others in HIAC… pshhhh The Game had his hand in the EC cookie jar practically every year until he semi-retired four year ago. H came away victorious in 4 of the 6 Chambers bouts he participated in which almost seems unfair (and probably is in this instance). How gracious of Hunter to bring along his shovel even though a weapon wasn’t required. Perhaps Heyman should’ve added Trips into his chamber (or at least extended an invite in hopes of saving his job).
Lets hear it for Paul's "O" face
The Fresh Meat
While I hate agreeing with Michael Cole, it is baffling that Christian’s never competed in an Elimination Chamber match. Given how WWE whores him out across the roster however, it was an inevitability. Captain Charisma is dangerously close to becoming another part-time star stealing the thunder of year-round guys. He’s bound to end up on the IWC’s shit list sooner rather than later. I wouldn’t mind Christian’s participation if it weren’t so transparent and temporary. The turd’s not here to make an impact and headline WrestleMania… He’s back to woo the audience with a couple neat counters, clap for himself and do the J-O-B. Therefore, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that either Brock or Titus leaves the Canuck in a heap and swipes his spot in the chamber.
As for Cesaro qualifying, I’m as stoked as the next guy. There’s plenty of reason for smarks to believe it’s simply upper management patting Castagnoli on the back for training with Cena recently. I mean that’s far more realistic (based on how Mr. McMahon operates) than Claudio being in line for a major singles push. The Candyman’s doing his damndest to remain optimistic in terms of how company officials will handle Antonio in this year’s chamber match. Cesaro could be the first man eliminated to a chorus of boos or last 25+ minutes and earn MVP bragging rights. Neither result would surprise me. Will this lead to something bigger for Castagnoli? Or simply be a means to pour gasoline on the Real Americans’ impending explosion? Color me curious. If the split is intended to turn Swagger face though, LOL. I’m sure WWE won’t regret that decision…
What do you expect from Christian & Cesaro in their Elimination Chamber debuts? And how different will my Top 10 look after the PPV is over? Hit me up, homies.
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