I “O” For Del Rio
Whaddup? I’m SkitZ and this is TMR - the column that catches more flack than our nation’s debt ceiling crisis. Mondays are always a rough turnaround. Luckily though, work this morning quickly degenerated into an afternoon of running errands and stroking the right people. Therefore, I’ve decided to give Minecraft/kicking my girlfriend’s dog/cartoon porn a rest for the evening and write about something that tickles my loins on a highly inappropriate level. No it isn’t the Cesaro swing or Bray’s Exorcist-inspired spider crawl. Those are both visually stimulating and whatnot but I prefer my meat brown and wrapped in a tortilla.
While ADR attempted to butter up Vickie for rear entry last night on RAW, I couldn’t help but think
"Wow Eddie would be so proud right now… Or pretty offended".
Regardless of the segment’s intentions, I felt like it perfectly illustrated how far Del Rio’s come in just over three years. I was among the sea of disgusted wrestling marks who were bashing him incessantly awhile back like a crack-filled piñata. Berty’s 2013 campaign however has forced me to take a different approach (the bandwagon that passed through my town earlier also helped).
The Mexican Aristocrat’s done some self-maintenance in several keys areas since Vince threw in the towel on his shaky babyface run. I mean yeah Dorito’s appearance hasn’t been updated and he still walks around with that fancy cum scarf but so what? The guy clearly has style and who needs a badass tattoo sleeve or trendy t-shirt when you’re sporting a new ride every - actually hold that thought – I forgot WWE’s deal with Enterprise ran out (in case you were wondering why ADR never rolls up to ringside in a Bentley anymore).
People claimed that Del Rio would be less tolerable than Nick Cannon if it weren’t for Ricardo’s antics. And when
the company shit on Rodriquez for his Wellness Program violation Berty eventually turned on his trusty sidekick, folks vowed that Creative would regret splitting the duo. Supposedly, turning the Mexican Aristocrat loose hurt his stock which I find comical as Ricardo is the one scrambling for direction. Rodriquez proved his worth throughout the formative stages of ADR’s WWE career (as did the chubby neighborhood kid whom I used to hustle for McDonalds money in the 8th grade) but Del Rio has reached a point where he’s better off without the comedy relief. I’m afraid the spoof in the tux has stumbled so far into Santino/Khali/Hornswoggle territory that he no longer serves ADR a purpose. Speaking of the former leprechaun, is it just me or does the little bastard eerily resemble Paul Bearer nowadays? Stare a little harder next time, imagine some extra neck fat and try not to freak the fuck out.
The IWC are constantly highlighting Berty’s flaws but I daresay he’s manipulated those negatives into positives. Del Rio has kicked his doubters’ collective dicks in the dirt and you bet your swamp ass I have the means to support such a theory.
Perhaps the biggest gripe is Alberto’s lack of aggression and command on the microphone…
Well check out ADR at the WrestleMania XXVII press conference then. Take a good hard look at that photo above and tell me the promo Del Rio’s cutting doesn’t seem… errrrr… loud? Fuck. Yelling and aggression pretty much go hand-in-hand with one another so there you go. Besides, since when did a Hispanic wrestler’s success hinge solely on being a crafty talker? We all know they’re only reliable for one thing: benefiting superior races with their exceptional work rate. Listening to Berty sure as hell beats Rey Mysterio’s religious hubbalo and who knows what Sin Cara is saying without subtitles.
A wrestler who possesses the potential to win MOTN honors on a weekly basis is highly sought after. But what about comedy? Crowds go bonkers for a dude with a timely sense of humor. According to the internet, anything involving ADR that’s even remotely funny is inadvertent…
Yet here’s Del Rio commandeering a tow truck after removing the wheels on Big Show’s tour bus; hilarity personified. ‘Vintage Latino Heat!’ as Michael Cole would say. Damn I guess ripping off a deceased Hall of Famer and needing help from Ricardo (which nearly nullifies the point I made earlier) aren’t the most redeeming qualities. Nevertheless though, Berty should stilll receive half the credit for that skit! The Swagger/Colter Pre-‘Mania parody not so much.
So not only has Alberto shown that he’s chock full of ruthless aggression and knee slappers…
But he’s totally comfortable with his sexuality.
And evidently great with kids. Wait but that doesn’t matter to you shmucks so why did I bother including this photo?
Alright maybe if I switch gears and bring in some secondary opinions, we’ll be able to convince you of Del Rio’s unparallel greatness. Upon my travels, I’ve crossed paths with two gentlemen who fully endorse the ADR movement; open-minded individuals that would gladly die defending Del Rio. Isn’t that right, correspondent A?
d0ubl3h3l1x -- [Alberto Del Rio is a charisma vacuum, but I will give him this: he is not interesting at all. When Alberto Del Rio is on the card, you can feel assured that you will see one good match that you don't care about. His entrance is sick, in that it has lost organs essential to its proper functioning. He has won a number of titles in his career, sending a clear message: you do not need to pay attention to this title for the time being. "I can't wait to play as Alberto Del Rio in WWE '14!" is how I started my latest A+ creative writing assignment. He is referred to in press releases as a "WWE Superstar." His handsome contenance appeals to both the Latino audience and my strong erection. Allergic to peanuts. Wears a hair piece. Smells like stale bread. Doesn't wash his tights. Only eats egg sandwiches. Gets a thrill from sitting naked on antique furniture. Can't drive cars into the arena anymore due to speeding tickets. Called Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe a "faggot." Spraypainted over a Banksy. Wears Sketchers. Unbuckles his belt when he pees. Puts on his mother's bra, video tapes it, and then sends the video to me. Never saw Happy Gilmore. Only read the first four Harry Potter books. HIV+. Never had sex. Memorized every word of the InuYasha manga. Thinks the best superhero is Mr. Fantastic. Can't win a chess game if he loses his queen. Watches CBS, America's Most Watched Network. Farts when he cums. Makes out with me.]
………….I guess that’s more or less the message we’re trying to convey. Would you care to elaborate on Helix’s astute assessment, correspondent B? What about ADR satiates your smarkdom?
Cult Icon -- [After staring at this blank computer screen for ten minutes, I’ve come to two conclusions; Surge citrus soda absolutely needs to be brought back (along with SALSA DORITOS! Best chip ever!), and Alberto Del Rio is so boring that he made my mind drift towards a soda that was last sold in 2003. For the love of all things, there’s nothing positive you can say about this dude, and I’m the guy who wrote a column about fucking Sick Boy! That’s right Del Rio, the most unknown member of The Flock, a stable from the late 90’s, is more interesting than you (he also did a better Pedigree than Triple H. Look it up folks!). I’m not sure whether to be impressed, horrified, or both. The only thing that is even redeemable about the guy is his ring skills, but like Leonard DiCaprio in The Great Gatsby, one positive doesn’t change the fact that Tobey Macguire doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. Look, he’s driving my mind away again this Del Rio! To conclude before my brain fries, Del Rio is like Coca-Cola; he’s acceptable if there’s no Pepsi, but dammit all you just would rather have that Pepsi wouldn’t you? There, I’m done with you Del Rio; now can you go back to your fancy cars and your studying of James Franco’s acting abilities and let me finish making my pizza here?!]
Heh. I can’t help but feel as if the premise got lost in translation (or some twisted group is determined to sabotage my efforts). I am a huge advocate of Coca-Cola though.
People aren’t exactly endearing when they refer to the reigning World Heavyweight Champion by name. I’ve heard everything from “Ugh I went on a ridiculous food binge last night and the Del Rio I endured at 5am felt like ghosts were escaping out of my anus” to “Did you hear what I ordered? Yeah the Del Rio – I’m gonna be farting blood over here”. It’s blasphemy. The 2011 Royal Rumble winner is no more reminiscent of human excrement than a doody muffin. Or a Lebanese meat stick.
Admittedly, ADR as a protagonist was about as effective as a group of children from Vermont watching Telemundo for eight straight hours but that issue’s been remedied thank God. Fans can’t comprehend why Vince & Co. are always running with Berty as the World Champ. Is it really that baffling of a concept? The Mexican Aristocrat is money in title matches and thrives best when various fan favorites are chasing him. Why can’t delivering time and time again on PPV alone warrant his spot on the company ladder? There’s something to be said for the middle man and that’s precisely where Del Rio finds himself. ADR should be afforded more props than disses and it’s a shame more viewers can’t simply appreciate what Dorito brings to the table; instead of condemning the dude for not being blessed with the same technical brilliance of Eddie Guerrero or the masterful mic control of JBL. Berty’s newfound aggression has aided his career momentum in the same manner it did Kurt Angle’s in 2005. The tenacious dynamic of Alberto which we’ve been exposed to this year has introduced an entirely new layer to his character. Here’s hoping ADR rapes the shit out of Cena’s comeback at HIAC. In a realistic world however, I’ll settle for a title retain by hook or crook.
But if Berty keeps bro hanging with that ^ type of company, I fear 3MB could become 4MB by 2015. As far as Del Rio’s motives that particular evening, I’m at a loss. Drew couldn’t subdue his own ex-wife during a domestic dispute… so what the fuck made ADR think McIntyre could back him up in a bar fight?
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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