Taste My Rainbow - Cena & Orton Collide (To Hell With Revolving Doors)
Dec 5, 2013 - 9:00:28 PM
Cena & Orton Collide
(To Hell With Revolving Doors)
This ladies and gentlemen is Taste My Rainbow – the column I always swear to protect right before throwing it under the bus.
You know I loosely paid attention to Orton’s tirade on RAW and it occurred to me: Randy sells himself quite proficiently. Being held to loftier standards than any wrestler past or present by your peers is one thing. Cena talking out his ass and touting Orton as the “greatest” of anything however is gut-busting. As in belly spasms and laughing so hard I Titus O’Neil all over the carpet levels of hilarity. Still, The Viper doesn’t shy away from hoarding all the credit. In fact, here are a few things Randy didn’t mention the other evening but feels strongly about:
Orton’s Self-Entitlement Issues Include
-- Reciting his lineage and company status anywhere from 4-6 times per promo (don’t quote me on that though as I may have underestimated).
-- Insulting Hunter whenever the opportunity presents itself for sandbagging his career early on.
-- An unwavering conquest to be the best looking guy amongst a sea of sausage.
-- Flexing his face muscles with ridiculous frequency because Creative keeps complaining about him not fully committing to The Viper persona.
Or because he’s constipated. I haven’t decided which. Ah but that reminds me…
-- Defecating wherever he so well chooses.
-- Remaining heel until retirement comes knocking out of fear of falling further off the radar than Alex Riley (The Miz’s old lackey; you have every right to not remember).
-- Parading around the ring like a goddamn rodeo clown just because he’s pulling down seven figures.
-- Handling Wellness Program violations like lottery tickets.
-- Throwing bitch fits over opponents’ botches as if someone’s out to sabotage his legacy. Because Randall’s never blown a spot before, right?
So here we sit on the precipice of something monumental happening and I’m largely unaffected. Maybe it has something to do with Orton & Cena crossing paths more often than Hogan and a bad investment? Hard to tell but lately I’ve been leaning on alternative measures (i.e. porn, Monday Night Football, Xbox, etc.) to get the job done.
I realize it’s completely wrong of me to flee/abort/crash&burn the vessel this far into the journey. If you had to pick any dual stars of the modern era to unify WWE’s major championships, Cena & Orton would unquestionably be the frontrunners. They’ve collectively
abused dominated the World Title scene since 2004/05 and have ruined more lives in the process than a crooked orphanage. It’s a fitting end to their feud and the big gold belt’s 13-year run I suppose. That doesn’t quell my animosity however (or urge to speedbump defenseless animals on the highway).
If you or I were choosing the participants for such a historic encounter, CM Punk and Daniel Bryan would practically be shoe-in’s; dismissing the notion that such an occasion calls for more decorated counterparts. The Franchise Player and third generation grappler were coddled into this position on namesake alone. Which I’m sure will both boost buyrates for the event and repel smarks by the hundreds. Unfortunately, the odds of either man impaling his foe on a damaged ladder rung or table leg isn’t ammunition enough for me to tune in next Sunday. Considering the magnitude of this match, the fact that it isn’t monopolizing news headlines or blowing up wrestling boards should speak volumes.
I haven’t looked forward to a Cena/Orton match since mmmmmm… SummerSlam 2007. Their initial encounter. And honestly, who has? If you’ve caught Randy punting John Sr. in the noggin and the iron man bout, what else requires a second viewing? Considering the vital role each individual will play come WrestleMania XXX, I wouldn’t go expecting any death-defying spots at TLC. Now admittedly, their closing segment from RAW didn’t exactly send me on a suicidal cocaine binge (but it did little to raise my spirits either). That attitude adjustment Cena hit Orton with packed about as much impact as a baby shit filling a diaper. The reigning World Heavyweight Champ should’ve just lowered the face of the company onto the table via pulley system and spared his shoulders the extra exertion. Pathetic execution.
Then there’s this whole "we guarantee the WWE Universe one solitary unified undisputed World Champion of the known galaxy" angle that reeks almost as bad as Mickie’s gym undies. I’ve read the influx of 'OMG-Cena-will-so-turn-heel-this-time' comments floating around LOP and it fuckin’ frustrates me more than the candy aisle at convenient stores. Are fans really moronic enough to fall for this again? It’s like a kid victimized by shitty parenting… how many nights are they gonna sit there starved and unshowered before reality finally starts to sink in? WWE’s Poster Boy isn’t joining the dark side and Batista won’t return at the pay per view just because Cena used a thumbs down gesture on Monday night (yeah I know… how Milli Vanilli of him). You can bank on The Authority running more interference than a volunteer bukkake as well as the lack of a unanimous winner. The fix is in. Limited build-up and the glaring absence of a newly designed title belt leads me to believe we won’t see one guy pull down both championships. I’ll be the first asshole in the room to undermine the World Title and scrutinize its’ existence but there’s also a disturbance in my gut that says the company has no laid plans of discontinuing the belt.
On December 15th, Cenation and Ortonopolis won’t redefining history - they’ll simply be adding to it. Buzz officially killed, kiddies.
Trips & Co. are basically manipulating words in an attempt to soil boxer briefs and spike viewer interest following that brutal Big Show miscue. Perhaps Cena wouldn’t have to run out and upstage The Viper immediately after his title defense if management spaced their fucking pay per views farther apart. There’s a reason I don’t go bananas whenever Cena & Orton renew their rivalry… the plot sucks. How can you base a feud purely on proving who’s the absolute best when neither are considered so by the general public? I can’t devote myself to a movie with a maligned cast and shitty premise. This franchise series lost its luster eons ago. I’m ready to kick back and watch something a little more suspenseful (suggestions?). We each know how this flick ends and the climax is about as exciting as discovering menstrual blood on your Woody Harrelson during intercourse.
Perhaps there’s a silver lining in all of this though. Since company officials are relieving themselves of Orton/Cena at TLC, that should mean we’re free of it bogging down the card at WM30… right? Lord let’s hope so. No matter which direction this title unification storyline breaks off in, I can’t picture this beaten beef between WWE’s premium white meats extending past January. Then again, that could simply be my subconscious playing defend the castle to keep horrible thoughts from intruding.
Are you on board with what WWE believes is a bulletproof plan? Did you react to the TLC announcement with a nod and supportive fist pump? Or did you fist your flat screen until sparks flew out? I need to hear from a different perspective besides my split personalities. Oh and before we go handing Superman or his arch-nemesis any lifetime achievement award, don’t you agree that more names should’ve been tossed in the hat? Rather than management favoring their prized protagonist and antagonist over the entire roster? If there was ever an issue that needed to be settled with a tournament format, this is it. I wipe my ass with the Cena/Orton saga (and its giving me hemorrhoids which is a sign of poor quality stuff). Why couldn’t their rivalry remain buried next to Nathan Jones and the hole reserved for Bad News Barrett?
Alright I’m being a contemptuous prick. In all seriousness, Randall and Jonathan will probably give us the third or fourth best MOTN (depending on how many minutes Natalya & AJ are given) so why bitch incessantly? Because agitating the scrooges who read this bring me more joy than roughing it through another Cena/Orton effort. Those two are obviously Hall of Fame bound and legends in their own right but why should I eagerly await two wrestlers with TWENTY-FIVE World Championships shared between them battling for a 26th? Because the stakes have suddenly been raised? Because WWE’s presenting us with the one gimmick bout Cena & Orton haven’t exhausted yet? Because it beats another MizTV segment? Phooey. I’m firmly against it. Consider me a suburban white male and the TLC Title Unification Match my daughter’s black boyfriend.
Now onto more pressing matters… Like when does the Royal Rumble get here?
>>> January 22, 2013
"X" Smarks The Spot
You know how this song and dance goes, dickwads. I’ll lay down a couple questions and readers can either leave their submissions in the comments section below or email them to me (SkitzLOP@aol.com). After reading every entry sent in, I shall determine a favorite and that individual will be awarded 350 words of literary freedom to abuse in the next TMR; the only criteria being he/she keeps it wrestling related. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong answer here so don’t go all college thesis on me. Just respond somewhat legibly and I’ll accept it.
I. – Would WWE’s big wigs be wise to resurrect the Cruiserweight Division? Or should Tyson Kidd be a slave to Main Event forever and count his blessings?
II. – If you had Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s home address, what would you mail him?
a) A paperback copy of Pro Wrestling for DUMMIES
b) Nude photos of random women with Linda’s face cropped in
c) A headless rodent
e) Something slightly less aggressive or insulting?
Explain the motive behind your choice.
"The internet is a great place; it's brought us things both good, evil, indifferent and amusing. It allows us to connect with people that we wouldn't normally connect to, and most of all, it has altered wrestling as we once knew it. Wrestling hasn't evolved to meet the technological advances over the last few years and everyone, from the performers to the fans, has suffered for it. Some of us call out for the halcyon days of 1980s booking where The Four Horsemen feuded with Dusty Rhodes and the Road Warriors for years at a time. The simple fact of the matter is that those days might as well be prehistoric. We just had Survivor Series, what was one of the most popular PPVs in WWE history, two weeks ago and people slammed it because it was poorly executed. Thirty years ago bookers had the luxury of putting out a show without wondering what the "dirt sheets" were going to say about it. Today's writers have to deal with real and fake reports leaking every second and change plans at a moment's notice which hurts the product for everyone. The fact of the matter is that modern wrestling is going to have to figure out a way to catch up to technology, or just like the territorial days, it too will be swallowed up by history."
- Howard Schilling
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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