Taste My Rainbow - Care To Partake In My 2014 Rumble Lotto?
Jan 16, 2014 - 9:00:01 PM
Care To Partake In
My 2014 Rumble Lotto?
Welcome back to the column that’s more ii-conceived than Ryback’s tweets - Taste My Rainbow.
Quite the nightcap on Monday night, eh? Watching an entire arena "YES"ing in unison with D-Bry as he geared up for the running knee made the hair on the back of my dick stand up. An incredible moment to be a wrestling fan. Who knew the folks in Providence had that in ‘em? They made last week’s RAW in Philly feel like a fuckin’ church gathering by comparison. I bet my buddy Cult Icon wishes he’d been in attendance. The first thing I did Tuesday after getting home from work was (after that, silly) hop on my laptop and re-watch Bryan’s revelation 6-7 times. Then I took a leak, sat back down and repeated the process; goosebumps every time.
As for WWE reporting that Danielson suffered a concussion during all the chaos, I tend to think it’s legit. Given the current state of the storyline and Bryan’s momentum, the timing’s just too odd. Before they cut to a commercial break during the main event, I recall Goatface moving slower than usual and how it stood out to me as more than him simply selling The Usos’ offense. If I had to play doctor and give an improper diagnosis, I’d say the concussion occurred when Jey Russian leg sweeped D-Bry off the top rope. Tell me why I just now realized during the pre-match promo that the Uso brother not dating Naomi has a lazy eye? And how come I couldn’t concentrate on anything else for the next several minutes of the show?
Strabismus aside, props to The Usos. I ragged on them like a stubborn semen stain last summer and they’ve proven me wrong every step of the way since (take note, Tito). With two victories over The Family in one evening, Jimmy & Jey have earned themselves a crack at the Tag Team Titles in the very near future. So when The Brotherhood does implode (which could be any week now), perhaps the IWC will have one less thing to whine about when Rikishi’s greatest achievement/s finally capture gold.
The Rumble is rapidly approaching and while I’m not as enthused about the lineup as much as I probably should be, the closing segment on RAW has inspired me… to stream the pay per view on my girlfriend’s Macbook. At least that’s the plan for the next month and a half until the company launches the WWE Network. $9.99 for WrestleMania XXX? Talk about a bill I’d actually be glad to pay. Splurging $120 on a year’s worth of pay per views that normally cost around $360? Shit sign me up. I’m ready to subscribe for that reason alone. They certainly chose the right year to drop the big announcement; WM29 was hardly worth ten bucks.
I’ve gotta admit it all seems too ideal though. Whether something changes six months from now or in two years, I’m expecting bitter disappointment. Either WWE will ransack the $89.02 in my checking account without notifying me, prices will drastically increase or it’ll reflect poorly on my credit score. Bottom line – enjoy wrestling’s version of Netflix while you can.
This undercard for the Royal Rumble is shaping up to be a real piece of shit. And while I realize poop comes in various shapes and sizes, SkitZ knows a turd when he sees one.
Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show -- A warm up for Heyman’s client as Elimination Chamber & ‘Mania draw closer. The two have history and management wants The Beast working with a guy he’s familiar with to shake off the rust of a five-month layoff. I get it. However, Lesnar/TBS warrants a main event spot on RAW at best and the only merit to it thus far is Wight flinging Brock across the ring like it’s a goddamn Divas match. Oh and on top of that, the former UFC Heavyweight Champ nearly broke his neck taking that one bump. How comforting.
Now personally, I would’ve preferred pitting him against Henry instead (BTW thank you Brock for reminding me what it sounds like to lash out in junior high) but SkidMark had to be a hero and look where that landed him… on vacation again. Job perks out the ass. Anyway, I suspect Lesnar will win decisively unless the ring collapses or Heyman pulls a S/Series 2002. Lord knows a Big Show turn’s been discussed at every Creative Team meeting for the last 15 years.
Big E Langston vs. Ryback for the Intercontinental Title -- See? Not even Reeves wants anything to do with this match. Ryberg’s gone and voluntarily put himself in the dog house. His antics on Twitter are nothing but a cleverly-disguised ruse (and it appears he’s struck a nerve in the locker room). The reigning IC Champ and Sheffield had no interaction whatsoever on RAW or SmackDown this week. WWE is backing away from this match like there’s a crazy bitch waving a pregnancy stick in front of their face. Meh… Langston was gonna win regardless of the circumstances.
AJ Lee vs. Naomi for the Divas Title -- Just when you thought the IWC’s crotch throb had successfully navigated her way out of Total Divas territory, this happens. Management is still booking their women’s feuds in typical fashion; throwing together a semi-credible challenger for AJ over the course of two weeks.
In truth, this match should’ve taken place back in October or November. Nobody enjoyed watching Lee pussyfoot around with the Bella Twins for three whole months. Naomi is perhaps the only Diva on the main roster that I’d like to see take the ball and run with it (as her asscheeks defy science).
The camera shot of NXT Diva Emma in the crowd Monday night has me optimistic. I wish it were Paige being promoted instead but you know how OCD the company is about creating "uniquely individual" characters. AJ and Paige are probably too alike in appearance for WWE’s tastes. Whatever their loss. I’m calling it now though… the Geek Goddess overcomes Naomi’s assets at the Rumble, squashes Cameron at Elimination Chamber and knocks Ray J down a couple pegs at WM30. You heard it here first.
Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt -- Mazza recently explained to me a scenario in which these two square off earlier during the PPV; the winner receiving a spot in the Rumble. Bray will need to rebound after getting reamed by D-Bry on RAW and I’m not sure a loss in the 30-man melee is the best approach. Why not have the referee disqualify Wyatt following interference from Rowan & Harper? That way Danielson technically wins and The Family can beat him down after the bell. It stacks the odds against Goatface heading into the Rumble, keeps Bray looking strong and sets the stage for a blowoff match at the following pay per view.
Of course their presumed showdown at the Royal Rumble might be off the table completely depending on the severity of Bryan’s concussion. Fuckin’ dirt sheets… you jinx/ruin/suck the happiness out of everything.
Randy Orton vs. John Cena for the WWE World Title -- Ah the more things change, the more this fuckin’ feud stays the same. I wonder if Matt Hardy realizes he could take all of his “Will Not Die” t-shirts that never sold, have Orton & Cena’s faces printed on them and become relevant all over again (and possibly triple his initial investment in the process).
I can’t picture The Viper dropping the belt to WWE’s Poster Boy on the 26th. It wouldn’t make shit for sense. For starters, initiating a title swap now would render the importance built around unifying the belts last month pointless. If the plan calls for Cena to enter WrestleMania as champ, he should’ve conquered his arch-nemesis at TLC; not the other way around. This whole Authority angle is centered around Orton just as much as it is Bryan. Hunter & Stephanie’s crown jewel will be represented at the apex of WMXXX in some capacity (yes even though Randall occasionally wrestles like he’s gotta invent enough offense to occupy the entire broadcast). Time stood still during The Viper’s match with Kofi on RAW. I literally felt my insides decaying. Fuck building suspense for an upset win. That was overkill.
As for who wins between Cena and Orton, it’s a no-brainer. The bigger question is how many ass beatings does John Sr. need to endure before he learns to keep his distance?
2014 Rumble Lotto
For some reason, I’ve been feeling interactive this New Year (and no not the kind that involves a webcam and me dilly dallying with a plunger handle). In celebration of the twenty-seventh annual Royal Rumble event, SkitZ felt compelled to reach out and connect with you smarky bastards. This is basically a prediction contest. Your job, as well as mine, is to correctly pick which 30 superstars will be in the match itself and in what order. WWE’s already announced 18 of the participants so you’ve got a 25ish% head start. Feeling confident? I’m not.
[1st Entrant] CM Punk: Now the primary target on The Authority’s hit list. Kane’s recent stroking won’t result in a happy ending I’m afraid. The BITW will find landmines galore all over this match (let’s see how he maneuvers around them).
[2nd Entrant] Daniel Bryan: You’d assume Hunter’s second least favorite employee would endure more of the same treatment. The odds-on favorite to win (a little lump on his noggin’ won’t affect that outcome).
[3rd Entrant] Xavier Woods: Doesn’t it seem like the third spot is always taken by a fan favorite who’s just happy to be there collecting his PPV bonus? Blind to the fact that he’s destined to be eliminated before the next countdown begins.
[4th Entrant] Damien Sandow: His name hasn’t officially been thrown in the Rumble yet but I’d say this one’s a foregone conclusion. Sandow has a better chance of going coast-to-coast and winning this thing than he ever did successfully cashing in against Cena.
[5th Entrant] Ryback: The Human Twitter Machine (as Danno calls him) isn’t likely to make many friends in this type of environment; let alone life in general. He’s bound to come in this bitch early and leave disappointed (something I’m all too familiar with).
[6th Entrant] R-Truth: Collateral damage.
[7th Entrant] Road Dogg: Punk’s first obstacle; one he should make relatively short work of (not before James delivers his signature offense though).
[8th Entrant] Antonio Cesaro: Admittedly, I’ve placed Castagnoli here solely for the interaction with Punk and Danielson. He could set a record for spin cycles.
[9th Entrant] Rob Van Dam: My guess is RVD’s veteran contract dictates he works from the Rumble thru ‘Mania. I’ve missed his narcissism.
[10th Entrant] Seth Rollins: Here’s hoping the cruiserweight of The Shield goes on a personal vendetta after being called “boring” on RAW and Pelé kicks everything in sight.
[11th Entrant] The Miz: Ugh a necessary evil (although I use the term ‘necessary’ with vague commitment).
[12th Entrant] Dolph Ziggler: A return to action after missing a couple weeks because of Ryback’s negligence.
[13th Entrant] Goldust: The IWC’s perpetual hard-on for the older Rhodes brother is impressive. I expect an outing akin to his performance in last year’s clusterfuck. And if I had the funds to gamble, my money would be on Goldie eliminating Cody in the spirit of competition (or because he’s a jealous dickhole).
[14th Entrant] Big E Langston: Banana split Oreos.
[15th Entrant] Dean Ambrose: Three bean casserole.
[16th Entrant] Jake “The Snake” Roberts: I believe his surprise appearance on Old School RAW was a tester by management to gauge how fans would react. I’m convinced Roberts has hassled enough people backstage to
bogart earn this opportunity. It’s a feel good story and he can be booted from the match after a few nostalgia-filled minutes.
[17th Entrant] Kofi Kingston: Kinda sad that his biggest claim to fame is performing monkey tricks in the Rumble for cheap thrills. How will Kofi outdo himself this year? I’d have him tiptoe across a line of prone bodies at ringside like he’s walking a rickety old bridge. Or piggyback a dazed wrestler.
[18th Entrant] Rey Mysterio: Eight years ago, Rey Rey won the entire thing. Nowadays he’s considered lucky just being a part of it. Retire from wrestling God dammit. There’s always the special Olympics.
[19th Entrant] Roman Reigns: Who isn’t counting on a dominant showing from this stud? The Shield will wreak havoc for a stretch but me thinks Reigns will eventually throw out his comrades.
[20th Entrant] Billy Gunn: Yet another Punk obstacle. Funny how Ziggler’s wayward father talked so much shit about Trips back in ’04 when WWE released him and a decade later, he’s Hunter’s stooge again like it’s 1998.
[21st Entrant] Jack Swagger: Cesaro’s kryptonite.
22nd Entrant] Cody Rhodes: An improvement of his former self but c’mon now… he couldn’t lace Goldust’s corset.
[23rd Entrant] Fandango: The Rumble needs some egregious flamboyance, does it not? Goldust is past all that at this point in his career.
[24th Entrant] Alberto Del Rio: From laying down for Sin Cara to calling out Batista, Berty’s elevator booking is tough to keep pace with. I don’t foresee this confrontation ending well for my favorite Mexican laborer.
[25th Entrant] Jimmy Uso: Does it involve Naomi and accidental nudity? Then I’m not interested.
[26th Entrant] Bad News Barrett: I’ve got some bad news… folks still don’t give two fucks about Wade (and decorum is overrated).
[27th Entrant] Sheamus: According to his rehab timeline, The Great White should be returning next Sunday if ‘Mania is in the cards for him. He’s bound to get an ovation the likes of which he hasn’t heard in two years. Soak it in while you can, Pasty Cakes.
[28th Entrant] Curtis Axel: The midcard heel who comes out late to crickets because the audience is expecting somebody worth a damn.
[29th Entrant] Brodus Clay: Despite his recent misfortunes with the botched heel turn, there’s always an irrelevant monster thrown into the mix for the sake of variety.
[30th Entrant] Batista: I hate when a star of Big Dave’s caliber returns and marks just assume he’s going to win. The same happened in 2012 with Jericho and his ass got Lui Kang’d off the ring apron by Sheamus. Don’t queef yourself if Del Rio loses his shit after being eliminated and tosses out Batista; triggering an eventual match between them at EC. What a moneymaker that'll be...
Please try and ignore the fact that this is an impossible request I’m asking of you. On the flip side however, I promise to relinquish my spot on the Main Page if someone predicts 25 of 30 correctly on the participants and their placements before the PPV begins. Unless you’re Dolphin1925 (in which case, fuck off). But yeah that should be enough incentive for even my biggest detractors to participate.
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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