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Taste My Rainbow - Batista, You Goddamn Inconvenience
Jan 21, 2014 - 11:09:42 PM
Batista, You Goddamn Inconvenience
Welcome back to the column that’s less realistic than Warrior taking a paycut - Taste My Rainbow.
I assumed you’d stay gone.
For starters, wear clothes that fucking fit. You can’t be a meathead AND a hipster. That’s an outright crime on fashion (so pick one). When Ricardo Rodriquez is critiquing the skinniness of your jeans, it’s probably time to stop hiring gay image consultants. Just sayin’.
Did you notice all the chants Big Dave received during the Authority’s opening promo prior to coming out? And how his pops steadily died off afterwards? As if the crowd psyched themselves up for the big reveal and once it happened, realized there really wasn’t much to cheer about. So pretty much a carbon copy of Sin Cara’s debut. The buzz around The Animal’s return felt lukewarm to begin with. WWE’s failure to cover their tracks robbed us of a legit surprise; a luxury that’s almost impossible to come by nowadays in pro wrestling. Aren’t their lackeys in the company whose sole responsibility is to keep a lid on such matters? Yeezus.
Those of you clamoring for a heel turn aren’t alone… but I wouldn’t hold my breath. The readymade feud with Del Rio is evidence of intended fan favoritism and I only see Batista channeling his former badass self post-‘Mania if his work up to that point is subpar.
If you couldn’t already tell by my pubescent outburst, Big Dave resurfacing has me concerned. Vince & Trips are already so reliant on part-time stars when it comes to The Show of Shows and – holy shit wouldja look at that - another just lumbered through the door. I bet you upper management signed Batista to his current contract MONTHS ago. As soon as they found out Rocky wouldn’t be working WM30, they panicked a bit and Hunter dialed up his old Evolution buddy.
Considering this year’s card will (yet again) be spearheaded by Undertaker, Trips and Lesnar, it’s a shame WWE doesn’t have enough confidence in their full-time performers to sell the rest of the PPV. Hence why you can count on Ziggler working the dark match, Sandow appearing for a split second in a backstage skit and Ryder scalping tickets in the parking lot for cab fare.
I mean lets call it what it is. Batista’s pretty much a mirror image of the lower level celebrity he was back in the day. The dude hasn’t exactly been blowing up Hollywood or lighting the MMA world on fire since leaving in mid 2010. And I wouldn’t be banking on a spike in pay per view buys just because Big Dave’s back on the payroll. We’re essentially in the same era and PG-laden WWE that supposedly drove Batista away in the first place. To me, that suggests Batista is only back for the money. Unless he’s had a sudden
midlife crisis change of heart or realizes acting in movies is kinda different than cutting a promo (not that The Animal ever excelled in said department to begin with).
The ripple effect Batista’s return will have on Daniel Bryan’s booking is fuckin’ unsettling. Shit will have to change drastically if D-Bry’s going to be competing for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship on April 6th. I didn’t hear Danielson mention anything on RAW about the Royal Rumble match itself, did you? He seems so far removed from the title picture that reclaiming gold has become an afterthought since October. Nothing but an abandoned objective in his rearview mirror. Every member of the IWC swears to have Danielson’s destination figured out but truth be told, none of us fucking know. It’s a complete mystery. Should we be adjusting our expectations in the meantime? Batista conveniently comes along and management cannot wait to insert him in the main event of WrestleMania XXX. If that results in The Animal versus The Beast while Goatface plays second fiddle further down on the card, there could very well be a mass murdering in my area when spring season rolls around.
Batista doesn’t equal dollar signs; Bryan is the longterm moneymaker. He’s generating bucket loads for WWE at the moment and will do so on the big stage too if aligned with the appropriate pieces.
Even though the McMahon clan have a more than capable roster, this move reeks of desperation. Is the company sacrificing D-Bry’s popularity for a guy who never came close to being in the same stratosphere of overness as him? I mean you already know the answer to that but… what’s the rationale there? Because I’m fuckin’ stumped.
You know what would fix all that though? Bryan beating Batista clean in NOLA. Unfortunately, I agree with Doc in that we’ll witness Big Dave face Brock at WM30 instead; a match I’m okay with so long as D-Bry gets what is rightfully his (see Warrior’s 1991 demands). Is The Animal back specifically to wreak the benefits of ‘Mania season? Or perhaps a farewell run congruent with the one Jericho should’ve left off with in 2010? He’s here to help aid the cause I’m sure. Congrats for coming “home” I guess… although kissing the canvas was a touch much seeing as the two of you were only ever close when you were sucking wind.
Don’t fuck this up for Bryan. A lot of shit’s been smeared across the product in your absence but Goatface has successfully turned logs into pure gold. The dude’s building his masterpiece and cementing a legacy (not so you can come along and clumsily knock it down). By all means, go derail someone else’s Road to WrestleMania. There’s literally tons of guys to choose from! Just keep your grubby mitts off our Daniel Bryan. He’s not to be jerked around (by anyone other than Brie). The mangy bastard has paid his dues. Cue deliverance.
The only positive that’d come from Batista winning the WWE World Title would be it covering up his super gay bellybutton tattoo. And it ends there (unless of course your name’s Melina). Why copy the same formula from last year with The Rock when it received such a mediocre response across the board? Oh right… because of the numbers it drew. Fuck a Creative Team. They’d be wise to keep Danielson atop their drawing board indefinitely and not succumb to The Animal’s every whim. In the grand scheme of things, he’s as temporary as consequence free sex.
Try as I might, it's difficult to ignore the handwriting on the wall. How will you react if Big Dave does in fact win the Rumble, capture gold at WrestleMania and Bryan’s put thru the same obstacle course as 2013; culminating in a title opportunity against Batista at SummerSlam ’14? I’ll be pissssssssed (with a heavier emphasis on those S’s than my keyboard will allow).
TMR_ Satisfaction Notwithstanding
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