TMR - WWE2K14, Botch Survey, AJ’s “YOLO” Promo, Rumble Lotto Results, Prediction League & Excessive Variables
Feb 12, 2014 - 11:58:26 PM
WWE2K14, Botch Survey,
AJ’s “YOLO” Promo, Rumble Lotto Results,
Prediction League & Excessive Variables
Welcome back to the column that’s phoning it in for self-benefit and self-perseverance - Taste My Rainbow.
There’s a handful of shit I wanna touch on today so lets get our hands filthy.
My Half-Assed Video Game Review
WWE2K14 hasn’t moved from my XBOX360 since Christmas. The gameplay itself is pretty awesome. Visually, it’s a different story. However I’m forgiving enough to let things such as the length of Daniel Bryan’s hair slide (along with the fact that Roman Reigns looks like a cruiserweight). And while I can certainly appreciate the luxury of purchasing Langston, Fandango, old WCW stars and WWE legends for a couple bucks, there’s a missing DLC pack that’s downright inexcusable. You know… the one with Goldust, Bray Wyatt, The Usos (and yes even Curtis Axel). Oh wait that’s right – IT DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST. While I understand the majority of those names weren’t on the main roster during the game’s development, they should be available within a reasonable amount of time following the launch date. I can’t stand paying $60 for an outdated roster year after year after year. The inability to brawl through the crowd/arena still irks me too.
30 Years of WrestleMania Mode is enjoyable no doubt even though it’s a minor step down from Attitude Era Mode in WWE ’13. I wish the creators had been more adventurous with their match selection in the new installment (not nearly enough Benoit). As for Universe Mode, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about it. Why is it such a goddamn hassle to create my own pay per view? I remember it being a breeze in past years and now it’s become a 20-step process. Madden 25 has the same problem with longtime fans who wanna play a regular season with their favorite team(s).
Defeating/defending the streak in 2K14 grows tiresome real quickly (although beating Undertaker in said scenario is by far the toughest obstacle to overcome). Also, Eddie Guerrero should’ve been an unlockable character involved in the game’s primary storyline; rather than cast aside and treated like a consolation prize. Despite my gripes, 2K14 is worth owning The never-ending chain of counters has been modified to seem more realistic and the props are great. Nothing amuses me more than batting Mysterio around and bouncing him off the ring steps (usually with Sheamus’ high cross).
A Lazy Survey Regarding
Everyone loves a good botch and when they occur at the Show of Shows, it’s twice the embarrassment / double the hilarity. With the global phenomenon looming in the distance, yours truly figured we should celebrate this historical WrestleMania with thirty years worth of miscues. Dannokaboom and myself are set to embark on another bracket-heavy quest (this journey significantly shorter than Lust Conquers All: Decide The Ideal Diva). I’m currently putting together a 32-incident tournament to crown the Best ‘Mania Flub Ever. There’s three decades of content to choose from and SkitZ missed over a third of it so help a brother in need. I’ve come up with several obvious candidates but need help shaping the remainder of the field because my ass is bound to forget something and Danno is a shit partner when it comes to being a research assistant. The tourney will kick off the weekend of the Elimination Chamber pay per view so don’t be lazy cunts. Offer up suggestions ASAP. Here are a few examples to stir the ol’ think box:
--- Brock’s sputtering star press (WM19)
--- The Papa Shango debacle (WM8)
--- Shelton’s errant sunset flip on MVP (WM25)
--- Foley whiffs on flying elbow spot (WM16)
--- Jericho butchers finish against Fandango (WM29)
--- Mickie’s fat ass ruins stratusfaction (WM22)
--- Animal’s hideous piledriver on Faarooq (WM13)
--- Cole/Lawler for ever being conceived (WM27)
--- Piper whips his crutch and nails ref in the eggs (WM7)
--- Vickie’s frog splash flop (WM26)
What’s missing from this list?
Any Lame Excuse to Mention AJ’s Butt
This is in response to a news article I read the other day where a fan at a Comic-Con event in New Orleans asked Lee about her pipebombshell and why the angle was abandoned on TV. Quote incoming:
AJ said that while her character had been acting like a "douche" she still hoped that the other Divas would realize that she was trying to make things happen for their division and get them more TV time.
AJ revealed that some of the Divas took the promo personal. She said it was unfortunate that the follow-up to her "pipebomb" got dropped due to personal feelings that other Divas had.
And yet another reason to praise the Geek Goddess (besides what she’s carrying around in those daisy-dukes). At least somebody cared enough to try and light a fire underneath WWE’s menstrosity of a Women’s Division. Can’t say I’m surprised by “certain Divas” taking offense (*cough BELLA TWINS queef*) to AJ’s promo based on all the squawking coming from ringside while she delivered it. If only they weren’t so fucking nearsighted to realize Lee tried doing them a favor. Nevertheless, I’m not sure how much success AJ would’ve had anyway with the level of incompetence surrounding her.
On the flip side, it’s a relief that Brie & Nikki’s relationships with arguably the two most popular superstars in WWE haven’t led to any hasty decisions. Then again, perhaps it’s because of Cena & Bryan that the Bellas are still loitering around the title scene when they don’t belong there. I take solace in the fact that Lee’s made a routine out of tapping those sluts out on a weekly basis. Between Naomi’s spirited booking as of late (orbital injury notwithstanding), Emma’s debut and Tamina’s inevitable turn, I’m excited to see where the next couple months lead the Geek Goddess. A helluva lot more so than the past five months that’s for sure. Let her reign last forever!
Something PPV-y with Predictions and Whatever
Pardon me while I steal an idea from my high school English teacher. I recall him explaining the rules of a fantasy football league he’d joined that year. You select a team to win each week and as long as they’re victorious, you move forward in the tournament. Of course there’s a catch – you must continuously choose a different team. In fact, you can’t choose the same group more than once in the entire season; raising the difficulty bar a couple notches. After storing it in my subconscious for the past 9 years, I randomly thought to myself ”why couldn’t the same method be applied to wrestling?”.
If marks are legitimately interested, I could follow the same outline with a year’s worth of WWE pay per views. The prediction league would kick off with Extreme Rules in early May and last approximately 12 months/PPVs; culminating with WM31. If this bad boy gathers enough steam, I’ll make a point to get everyone signed up by WrestleMania and post a monthly column showcasing the competition. According to the rules, participants must choose a different wrestler every turn so let’s hope there aren’t a bunch of lengthy title reigns in 2014 or we’ll be doomed. Should there be an award? I could send the eventual winner a copy of Doc’s book. Or the copy of GTA V that I’ve yet to use. Or unedited photos of my tranny roommate in the nude.
Bottom line _ Would you partake in a prediction league for wrestling nerds?
Annnd the Results You Stopped
Caring About Are In
Due to the recurring blizzards we keep getting hit from up here in northeastern U.S. and my laptop charger shitting the bed, it took me much longer than expected to calculate the numbers from last month’s Rumble Lotto. Sadly, there hasn’t been any advancement in either situation. Keep in mind the goal was to correctly predict 25/30 on the 2014 Royal Rumble entrants and their placements. Below are the ratio percentages of each unfortunate soul who participated (including my own):
HighonLOP --- 2/30 (6%... you were a single spot off on several picks)
Young_Arnold --- 1/30 (3%)
therealseanpk --- 4/30 (13%)
SkitZ --- 2/30 (6%... middle of the pack!)
Skulduggery --- 0/30 (0%... why the fuck didn’t you list Punk first?)
Circles_edge --- 1/30 (3%)
cqualey1993 --- 1/30 (3%)
Chaos8605 --- 3/30 (10%)
Thomas_Jacobs --- 5/30 (16%... kudos on sucking less dick than the rest of us chodes)
TheLastDart --- 3/30 (10%... you were close with #26; right leotard, wrong wrestler)
Tagglyne --- 2/30 (6%)
BluntForceBalls --- 4/30 (13%... included despite only predicting 11/30)
AustintheWolfe --- 2/30 (6%)
kayell --- 1/30 (3%)
ZigZag1992 --- 2/30 (6%)
Mongoness --- 3/30 (10%)
Have you ever laid eyes on anything more depressing? If this were a test, the entire lot of us would be legally retarded. The dude who won can’t even brag about winning without feeling like a total jackass. As for that stipulation concerning my Main Page spot, I’m apparently safe for now (until I put it on the line again in 5 or 6 months for some other ridiculous contest). If my abysmal fanbase is hungry for more punishment, I’ll bring back the Rumble Lotto in 2015. It’d be mathematically impossible for us to do any worse.
The Poorly Planned Ending: Obesity Kills
Not one match has been officially announced for WrestleMania XXX yet and the lineup already feels uncomfortably cluttered. The slew of part-timer’s who return each February/March continue to be a thorn in the IWC’s side. Not only are there the usual suspects to contend with this year (i.e. Undertaker, Triple H, Lesnar, etc.) but every name worth noting is clamoring for card space. Batista’s resurfaced just in time to win the Royal Rumble and fashion his new wardrobe of questionable outfits. Vince threw Sting & Hogan each a life raft before TNA completely sunk and no major stars are injured this WrestleMania season (not that I’d ever wish that on anybody besides The Miz).
Chris Jericho’s like a pubescent weiner… he could literally pop up at any moment. I’m sure Christian will linger around way past Elimination Chamber; weaseling into a lower tier match on April 6th. RVD just met backstage with Hunter to discuss his upcoming return. There’s this whole changing of the guard movement – Daniel Bryan, Bray Wyatt, Big E Langston & The Shield – who are collectively destined to be featured in high(ish) profile matches. This CM Punk ordeal could be a work which means he’ll be a headlining act. Then there’s the handful of mainstays guaranteed to eat up spots such as Cena, Orton, Kane, Sheamus, Mark Henry & Big Show.
And that’s just for starters. What about Cody & Goldust? The Real Americans are bound to split. The Divas will necessitate a segment because men will be watching and you know how horny and pathetic we are. Mysterio has a new TinMan costume to unveil. Given the tear the tag team division’s been on as a whole lately, you can rest assured it will receive air-time in some capacity. Ryback clearly has friends in high places (the only thing that justifies his uncanny knack to not drop off the face of the earth). Isn’t there a strong possibility that Warrior will make an appearance and leave everyone in awe; wondering what the fuck just happened?
Titus O’Neil’s in the midst of a sizable push. What about Del Rio? Berty’s not gonna go from rolling over for Batista to missing ‘Mania six weeks later. And there’s talk of a musical performance. Don’t forget to squeeze in the midcard crowd – Dolph, Kofi, Sandow, Fandango. The Hall of Fame class will flood the stage while 70,000 people hit the restrooms. And you know some dickhole is gonna shove Eva Marie in front of a camera (which is fine as long as she doesn’t do or say anything). I realize a stacked card is commonplace for such a massive event but Jesus H. Christ. How could WWE management ever fit ALL of that on a 4-hour broadcast? Oh and H’s buddies Road Dogg & Billy Gunn will likely stretch their relevance out until NOLA so throw them on the pile as well. Yeah and folks were worried about minutes being at a premium at past WrestleMania’s…
Vince didn’t waste any time replacing Mae Young, did he?
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