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SKITZO & CO. STRIKE BACK ~ Corrupting Christmas with Our Keyboards [The Naughty List]
By SkitZ & His Minions
Dec 19, 2017 - 11:12:33 PM

Corrupting Christmas with Our Keyboards
[ The Naughty List ]

Follow me on Twitter (@SirSkitzAlot) which I only use to plug my shit but hey, it prevents me from diarrhea of the mouth.

Bookmark SKITZO's Column Archive to read my repetitive pieces of poop. All 17 taintalizing tales.

And as if I'd ever let you butthurt bastards forget, the EXCREMENT IN COLUMN WRITING is exclusive to LordsofPain.net / WrestlingHeadlines.com which are essentially the same thing but it sounds more legitimate that way. I'm the master of manipulating the truth and spinning opinions into facts. The treacherous trollop you all love to dump on. King Turd. That stubborn brown mark on your computer screens. And despite coining such phrases as "OVW Class of 2002", I've been writing regularly here WITHOUT COLLECTING A CENT since the dawn of the internet because well... what reputable website would actually pay me to recycle the same garbage articles week after week? Enough self-defecation though. I have my hands full as is deflecting the crap hurled at me in the comments section below. Rather than ducking for cover though, I take your best shot and keep on tickin' because the internet blowing up over my columns has launched me into CYBER-CELEBRITY STATUS. With Christmas right around the corner, I've decided to give back for a change; extending the less fortunate their 15 minutes of fame by appearing on the Main Page in this capacity. No need to thank me... I'm a pro at patting myself on the back. Did I mention Calvin's not paying me to do this?

Anyway as we prepare to put a bow on 2017, it's pretty obvious this past year was hardly a gift from the wrestling Gods. But instead of pouring on Vince for his Jinder juice dependency, I say we swallow our pride and cheers the upcoming calendar flip. What will 2018 bring us? Well thanks to my UNLIMITED resources, I've assembled a number of former and current columnists to write me wish lists of what they hope to see from pro wrestling in the New Year (with mine headlining of course). There are two types of people in this world, readers... Those who crave logic and those who crave lunacy. I've managed to successfully split the nerds and neanderthals into two columns - a naughty & nice list if you will - while also arranging for my dual personalities to be well represented in each. So with that daunting heads-up in mind, let's start the show and laugh at whoever's curtain jerking.

KMA Jackson ~

I’m a simple man and therefore my wish-list for 2018 is a simple one. Is it too much to ask for …

- a Wrestlemania that does not revolve around part-timers (Brock Lesnar, Triple H), old-timers (Goldberg, Undertaker) or one-trick ponies (Shane McMahon)?!

- a WWE Creative Team that is actually fucking CREATIVE!

- some sort of unforeseen circumstance that will dramatically alter the current Wrestlemania plans, which preferably would see neither Brock nor Roman in the main event roles.

- someone at WWE to convince the old man that Roman is NOT the next Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold or John Cena.

- the WWE as a whole to stop booking the entirety of the product to please one specific 72 year old out-of-touch senior citizen who would rather go and play football GM than focus on the problems in his current company.

- the XFL to take off and become so successful that Vince is forced to take a leave of absence from the E and hand control over to Triple H. While Vince is ‘effing off’ to play football, he can take Shane and Stephanie with him. I’ve got an idea. Make the siblings General Managers of different teams who have to compete with each other and watch the ratings soar!

- WWE to end this ridiculous and ill-conceived brand split.

- a Champion that will defend the title more than a half dozen times per year, and DOESN’T wear a tactical vest or come from India.

- WrestleKingdom 12 and NJPW to draw substantial main-stream attention and expand their footprint into the North American market.


RantingRandall ~

For Christmas, I wish for Lana to sit on my face. It's bound to happen one of these years. If not that, then to have the chance to nibble on Alexa Bliss' ass. Last but not least, I wish for Skitz to stop being so shit at posting. Dude is like a period... only happens once a month.


KingKervin of SMC Podcast Lore & Columns Forum Royalty ~

I’m known to be a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas but if that asshole Kris Kringle wants to do me a favor in the wrestling world, he can start by giving me a gift of no absolutes. I swear, the next person that tells me I’m not a true fan because I don’t give a shit about the Bullet Club is gonna get a swift kick in the dick. There’s something in wrestling for everyone, and it’s time people started respecting that. In 2018, I hope for a more open-minded community of wrestling fans. I want fans who see a fucking opinion and don’t call said person a dumbass because they disagree. At the end of the day, it’s all big sweaty dudes and small sweaty women (heart eyes) beating each other up for my enjoyment and yours. So, respect my opinions, and I’ll do the same for you. Fuckers.

Merry Christmas and shit.


205 Clive ~

Dear Vince McClaus,

I don’t ask for much this Christmas. Well, I do demand that we get a Season’s Greetings message from Broken Matt and Senor Benjamin, but if that can’t be done, then I have a very modest list.

1) Please put down the old tired dog that is the assemblage of part time wrestlers that clog up our - sorry, your - Network specials. Using money as an example. Surely you can pay for ten years worth of pyro and some sweet PPV stages instead of paying someone like Goldberg to wrestle a grand total of ten minutes over six months?

2) Fix my 205 Live! What have you done?! You send out surveys asking why people don’t watch the show anymore? Maybe it’s because you’ve transferred the tired formula of opening Raw with a lengthy heel promo over to the Tuesday night dark match slot, and given that oh so popular trope to a guy who can’t wrestle? Give us more matches! Use more of the talent!

3) Speaking of lengthy heel promos. If you’re going to do that, can you at least give them to someone who has some charisma, and who you aren’t trying (and failing) to crack the Indian market with? Early indicators are that you’ve went off your CANADIAN employee, so maybe you have seen the light with this one. Thanks for the early present here!

4) Lastly. My 2018 would really be cool if you gave Braun Strowman the Universal Title, the WWE Title, the IC Title, the Smackdown Women’s Title, and the NXT Tag Team Titles. That would be marvellous. But if you can’t give them to Braun, then Neville would suffice. He can have the UK Title too. Obviously.

Yours desperately, a Disgruntled Mark.


Pnk ~

If you don't stop pestering me about this stupid wishlist, I'll scream sexual harassment.



Spinmaster ~

12 Immediate Title Changes throughout the many promotions I follow. Okada, Tanahashi, The Usos, Charlotte and Alexa need to make room for new talent at the top of their divisions. Suzuki and Lesnar have turned their divisions into spectacles instead of the show stealing ones that they could be. Ember Moon feels like a sideways move from Asuka instead of a step in a new direction. Andrade, Eli Drake and The Hung Bucks seem like creative decisions but really, they are just examples of promoters not knowing what to do and making either the safe or shocking choice. Finally, there is no reason for Roman to hold a title that had finally began to grow in the mid card.

11 Vince free months. I’ll grant him a pass to make one or two decisions during Wrestlemania month.

10 New Shows added fully to the WWE Network (Thunder, WCW Saturday Night, WCW Main Event, Velocity, Heat, OVW, DSW, FCW, Shotgun Saturday Night, The Entire Collection of NWA territory libraries owned by WWE)

9 Instances of truly creative and fresh storytelling in wrestling. Stop rehashing the same storylines.

8 WWE PPV Events. The 5 co-branded shows and 1 for each show (Raw, Smackdown and 205 Live).

7 Independent Promotions finding homes on the WWE Network.

6 Months of Lucha Underground. Stays fresh but gives less waiting time.

5 Promotions gaining international television deals (minimum). We need access to alternatives.

4 NXT Call Ups (maximum). Let NXT replenish itself a bit before taking the top talent once again.

3 Title Changes for each championship (maximum). STOP PLAYING HOT POTATO.

2 Hour Raw on Monday. The third hour gets money but it doesn’t help get over any extra talent, and it makes viewing a chore.

1 running leap back into my collab whoring arms by the rainbow loving bad boy of LOP, SkitZ.


Uncle Joe ~

As the gaping mouth of purgatory slowly but surely continues to gnaw at us until we are in the precipice of hell, we are yet again here for another motherfucking Christmas. Every year Skitz manages to put together something that resembles... something. And every year against my better wishes and judgment, I always participate in these yearly shenanigans. So this year what am I grateful for or what the fuck do I want for Christmas, I don't know.

I'm not going to lie to you, this is probably the year that I've kept up the least with wrestling in my entire life. In between promotion at work, and other side Ventures that I've got going on, I just really don't have the time like I did before. I will still watch some pimp matches to see if they're actually good or not from reputable sources, but as a whole I kind of just don't give a fuck outside of like The Miz and I don't know; Samoa Joe or whatever.

And touching on that, that's probably my wishlist in regards to wrestling; that I get back a little bit of the spark or passion that I had for watching this shit in the first place. It sucks to know that I was endeared with wrestling and sincerely hope it continues to thrive but that I could care less if Braun Strowman joins the Bullet Club, or if AJ Styles enters a domestic partnership with Vince McMahon. I really could not give a fuck anymore.

But with that said, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, happy Hanukkah, and whatever other made-up holidays we have that help you celebrate this special time of year. Oh I do have one thing: if I can watch Daniel Bryan wrestle Lesnar, or maybe even Cesaro wrestle Lesnar, I would highly appreciate it. Anyways go fuck yourself and enjoy, bitches.


David Fenichel ~

1. Daniel Bryan to remain retired.

The reality of the situation is that the WWE will never push his as the top guy the way that the majority of the IWC wants him to. He doesn't fit the mold of what they look for and the WWE can't trust him. The sole purpose for bringing him back as a wrestler is to cool him off so that he's not nearly the hot act he currently is come the end of his contract.

2. A World Title Reign for both The Miz and Braun Strowman.

It's crystal clear to me that Roman Reigns is going to take the belt off Brock Lesnar at WM34. Once Lesnar is out of the picture, there will be plenty of opportunity for new blood. The Miz has been the most consistent performer over the past two years and absolutely deserves a run. Braun Strowman's time is here. I expect him to be in a marquee match at Wrestlemania and use that as a springboard to the top. Reigns beating Lesnar is good enough, he can go to the Austin route and have short title reigns forever. Have The Miz take the belt from Roman and Strowman crush him at Summerslam. Easy stuff WWE - make it happen.

3. The IWC to stay home.

The wrestling fan is an endangered species. People in general don't become wrestling fans unless they get hooked as a child. The problem? What the IWC wants to see doesn't line up with what little kids want to see. I'd like the IWC fans to stop going to events. The WWE can then book a product more catered towards kids without having to worry about the shows getting hijacked by booger eaters who wish they were the stars.


Rich Latta ~

What would I like to see in the world of wrestling in this New Year? For me it’s pretty simple, great wrestlers having great matches, with good reasons to have those matches. 2017 was filled too often with great wrestlers getting stuck producing average to just better than average matches with lesser competitors. I’m looking for the match WWE has ran away from like it was contagious, AJ Styles vs Seth Rollins to happen at some point. I’m ready to see The Shield guys go their own ways because their reunion has only had 1 clear mission; two if you count selling t-shirts. I’m ready for Alexa Bliss’ reign of terror to stop turning the clock back on women’s wrestling one average match with a terrible finish at a time.

At last, let’s get all the part timers together at the Raw 25th anniversary show, get them all in the ring together at the same time, and open a hole they all can fall into so the current generation stops getting marginalized every single Wrestlemania season. I don’t need anything else from Triple H, we’ve got over 20 Mania matches. Undertaker you too, come sit with me and watch. Although we are staring Roman vs Brock down like Gregg Popovich does sideline reporters when asking dumb questions, I’d like Reigns to begin fighting guys from his own generation at Wrestlemania so every match can stop having a sub-text of “Let’s pass the torch for the 4th time!” I want the best performers in the business to be enhanced by booking not throttled by it. I also hope I don’t see any negative star main events ever again (looking at you, Punjabi Prison Match.) Bring on 2018!


Freeman ~

What I really want for Christmas is a girlfriend who understands my penchant for consuming copious amounts of alcohol. Also what I really want for Christmas is a girlfriend. Recently, after one particular night out that left me so inebriated that trying to open the front door lead me to getting my dick caught in the lawnmower, she told me that in no uncertain terms if I ever came home drunk again she’d leave me. With that in mind, I promised her that my drinking days were well and truly over. So, you can understand my fear when, last night, Skitz got me so drunk at the annual LOP Christmas party that I threw up all over my festive jumper. Here’s a breakdown of our subsequent conversation:

“Skitz, I’m in serious trouble dude, if she see this she’ll kill me.”

“Don’t worry homie. Put £20 in your pocket and say that some drunken idiot threw up all over your sweater, and that the cash is for the dry cleaning bill. Works every time.”

Genius. So, armed with my new airtight alibi, I strut into my front room with a confidence not seen since Xavier Woods at Paige’s engagement party, swatting away my wife’s angry protests as if it were second nature.

“Honey, it’s ok, it wasn’t me, see? The nice young man was very apologetic, and even gave me the money for the dry cleaning bill.”

“Then why have you got two twenty pound notes in your hand?”

“The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.”

As from what I would like from wrestling next year? Fucked if I know, I don’t even watch it anymore.


Andy Savana ~

I wish for the goddamn brand extension to end. Every cunnilinguist who called for its return needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. Is anybody better off? Is any goddamn wrestler better off? AJ Styles was always going to be WWE Champion in 2016. He was white hot. Instead of top of the company Styles though, we got beating up Ellsworth Styles. Trash. Pure fucking trash.


Super Chrisss ~

Every year, when SkitZ gets down on his hands and knees, begging me to bring some star power to this annual thingamajig, I usually try to be positive by asking WWE for nice things. I tend to be selfless in my demands, by staying somewhat realistic and hoping for things that will help WWE improve their product.

But not this year. I’m in a spiteful mood and I want WWE to improve in a different way – by firing the following people:

Jinder Mahal. This dude did so much evil in 2017. He largely contributed to SmackDown being unwatchable following the SuperStar Shake-Up, he buried Shinsuke Nakamura, and he still doesn’t know how to execute his own fucking finisher safely, which has nearly injured many other guys. Send this guy back to the unemployment line.

TJP. A lot of wrestlers post dumb shit on social media, but if any wrestler’s tweets could be a cause for brain cancer, TJP is a prime candidate. He’s in his 30s yet acts, spells and tweets like a 12 year old. It’s fucking embarrassing. How Emma lost her job while this idiot kept his, I’ll never know.

Byron Saxton. Shit commentator and annoying as hell. It doesn’t help he sounds too much like Tom Philips who isn’t half-bad. Byron’s voice and commentary hurt the product more than anything else. Either put him back in the ring or let the guy walk back to whatever dump he came from.

Mojo Rawley. Truth be told, I don’t hate Mojo as much as I used to, but I needed to include a white guy to avoid the SJWs getting even more triggered. Sorry, bro.

Santa, please do what you do best by putting these clowns on your naughty list. They deserve it!!!"


Mazza ~

What do I want for Christmas this year? A heel Ambrose. A fully heel Reigns. A released Lesnar. A retired Orton and Cena. A healthy Bryan. A popular Rumble winner and Mania built predominantly around full timers. Oh and a taste of that infamous rainbow.


PEN15 ~

1 - Better options for all performers. WWE is a huge company with many levels, but they still have lots of guys who deserve more than they’ve been given. ROH, NJPW, Impact, and LU have all been successful places for top notch performers to find work. This is great. And it’s helped WWE grow too. It’s really interesting how each system (promotion) has fed into each other. WWE’s acceptance of guys long thought to be too old for a run with HHH and Vince has changed the landscape. Being loyal to a brand is important, but any fan reading this knows even our favorite wrestler can run out of steam if they are overexposed on Monday or Tuesday nights for too long. Continue this trend, because no matter what style you prefer, your favorite promotion/performer will benefit.

2 – Increased use of Stables and Tag Teams – Bullet Club is a hot commodity because they are a strong group of individuals. The Shield reunion tour is a draw (kind of) because of similar dynamics. Not everyone can to be the World Champion, so team-up with other guys who broaden your own brand. Next year could be your year on top. (Hey Vince, this goes for you too. If you think Big E couldn’t be a bigger singles star now than he was alongside Dolph and AJ, you’re crazy. And he made you a bunch of money in the process).

3 – As a life-long WWE fan who stayed with Vince and co. throughout the late 90s when nWo was ‘running wild’, I hope someone in Titan Towers with a voice heard by the right people watches Nitro on the WWE Network. It was just the better show, and a lot can be learned for today’s product. Shorter TV matches, less exposure for top guys, better stories through the ENTIRE roster. And they handled their 3 hours much better than Raw ever has.

And if you disagree with any of this…..



Cult Icon ~

Why oh why do I continue to do this to myself? I wake up this Sunday, all set to do this favor for my good friend Skitz and then what happens? He tells me we’re running long and to keep this between 200 and 300 words. BETWEEN 200 AND 300 WORDS! Of course the lucha guy gets cut short so we can have fifteen or so WWE fans going on about how they hope 2018 is Sami Zayn’s year (it won’t be), how they hope Daniel Bryan will get cleared and wrestle A.J. Styles at some point (he won’t) and how you hope 205 Live will be discovered for the joy it is despite the fact that it doesn’t use its best worker because FUCK YOU CULT, NO PUSH FOR GRAN METALIK (it won’t be). I’m telling you, Skitz and this whole operation are shadier than the Trump Administration. And with that, Net Neutrality is now slowing this bad boy down for political slander. IN YO FACE SKITZ!

Anyways, seeing as I’m already halfway past my cut off, here’s my Christmas list. I want all of you reading this to check out a match featuring Soberano Jr. That’s S-O-B-E-R-A-N-O Jr. Trust me, he’s great. I want AAA and Lucha Underground to fire Dorian Roldan so he stops ruining the promotions I love. I want CM Punk to return at Cody’s big 10K seater. I want ROH to realize Lizardman is holding them back and kick his ass out of the car. I want Kenny to win the IWGP Heavyweight Title. I want Teddy Hart and LA Park on LU season four. I want Atlantis-El Hijo del Santo, mask vs. mask at the 85th Aniversario. I want you all to learn what an Aniversario is! I want Gran Metalik to leave WWE, come back to CMLL, get white hot again and make you all pay for what you’re missing. And for my final wish, I hand it over to my partner is crime; OI WANT DE SCOTT STEINER CUMBACK WE OLL DESURV, DA WON WEH YURN END DAT WEH OLL HEV URNED FER OLL DA GERIATRIC FREAKS OOT DER! HOLLYA IF YA HEAR MEH!

That was for you cool. And with that, I’m nearly 100 words over my limit! And just like the last time I went over the mandated word limit on this site to people’s chagrin, I’m still better than all you [the following 200-word Smackdown of LordsofPain.net has been retracted by the fuddy duddy, WWE shill overlords of LordsofPain.net].


SkitZ ~

[ ] -- For starters, give me Gargano/Ciampa and not just in a grudge match. I want the whole enchilada dammit. Johnny Wrestling dethrones Almas next month and goes onto defend the NXT Title at TakeOver: New Orleans against Tommaso. Double the amount of minutes #DIY received in the Cruiserweight Classic and I guarantee you a top contender for MOTY. If anything, it'll provide a memorable moment we can cling to when they're thrown on 205 Live and totally forgotten about.

[ ] -- Finn Balor to coup de grâce himself off a cliff. No not to kill himself, stupid. That's what the leather jacket's for... to serve as a makeshift parachute. I just wish Devitt enough harm to land him in a full body cast so he can't tend to Cathy Kelley's sexual needs. That's when I'll slide in, make my move and probably get maced in the face. Nonetheless, the sting of the pepper spray would soooo be worth the couple seconds spent in her presence. I also wouldn't mind if she tased me. Just thinking about Cathy's electric touch gives me the warm and fuzzies!

[ ] -- Elias versus The Undertaker at Mania and make no bones about it... this isn't a rib. Just hear me out, haters. From Full Sail to featured performer on the main roster, The Drifter's amassed quite the bandwagon over the course of 2017. And rather than Taker disappointing fans with a shaky performance against Cena or Strowman, why not have him squash Elias? I know it sounds as booty as The Drifter's rock ballads but they could even book Callaway to return as The American Badass. Imagine the possibilities! By going that route, The Deadman character remains retired and Taker can ride his motorcycle to the ring which should shave roughly 20 minutes off the segment; leaving enough time for an epic Elias guitar solo that blows away both Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit. A riff so powerful, it prompts an unplanned Jeff Jarrett appearance who tries seizing the spotlight and ends up escorted from the global event by force. WrestleMania moment? CHECK.

[ ] -- Chris Jericho to nearly kill Kenny at Wrestle Kingdom 12, yet ultimately lose and return to WWE the conquering hero in defeat. But after a strong showing in the Rumble and fitting sendoff at WM34, I want Y2J to hang up his wrestling boots and become an intregral part of the creative process backstage. At least until the company fires him for posting a selfie with the Bullet Club on his Instagram.

[ ] -- Roman uses the NXT Class of 2012 to capture the Universal Title; only to turn on Rollins & Ambrose and assemble a new trio. Surrounding himself with the likes of Luther Reigns and Black Reign (Goldust's gimmick in TNA) simply because they share the same surname is just the type of douchebag shit Roman would pull. And at this point, I'd rather watch people remain apathetic towards the guy because it amuses me immensly.

[ ] -- Monday Night RAW strings together enough compelling television to keep it PERMANENTLY ABOVE 3 MILLION VIEWERS. That way I might actually make it through an entire episode and Tito column without my alter ego backpedaling over his premature prediction.

[ ] -- 24 hours ago, Man-eater McMahon announced the first-ever women's Royal Rumble which has inspired such responses as "watch Stephanie enter at #30 and win" and "damn that's going to be a long piss break" but I'll do you one better. Since the media's intent on making the entire male population look like a pile of pigs, why not give them something gratuitous to gossip about by turning the aforementioned free-for-all into a hog pen match? Let's revert back to the late 90s and sexualize every sweet piece of ass on the roster. Shower them in jello, mud, gravy, mysterious goo and anything else that works as a lubricant. Slide Sunny, Sable, Torrie and Stacy into the mix for good measure. Book this history-making match to resemble a sloppy Playboy pillow fight and then instead of using the platform to elevate women's wrestling, have it simply serve as a salute to Hugh Hefner for being inducted into WWE's celebrity wing.

Or strip the bout down to the bare basics and give it a bra & panties stipulation. Regardless, I'm sure the fanboys will walk away frustrated with the fundalistic approach and ensuing aftermath. My wish is for an Asuka/Rousey staredown from atop a stack of lingerie-clad casualties; followed by an intense, DragonBall Z-esque round of HLA. If that offends anyone, sue me. It's been a lonely year.

THE END (of my naughty list).

Jesus I haven't seen that many swear words since Trump was sworn into office. Feel free to air your grievances in the complaint box below. And since I know it's going to come up in conversation, SkittleZ Riddles is on hiatus for the rest of the year. So in the words of famed philosopher Dave Bautista, "deal with it".

AND JUST CHILL... 'TIL THE NEXT EPISODE (which promises to be a PG rerun of this one).

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