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Posted in: Wrestling Rainbow
Messy Business ~ The Performance Fart Review (When WrestleCrap Rears its Ugly Stench)
By SkitZ
Dec 28, 2017 - 4:04:12 PM

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The Performance Fart Review ~
When WrestleCrap Rears its Ugly Stench

Preamble Ramble

Welcome back to my impenetrable fortress in the sky - the United Kingdom. For experimental purposes, I'll be setting aside my Britannica today in an attempt to better speak your language (or rather America's bloody butchering of The Queen's English). Armed with an urban dictionary, I now feel equipped with the knowledge neccessary - or lack thereof rather - to relate to the rest of the world.

This particular topic is a popular one, shitheads. It's the corny kinda stuff WWE constantly spatters our brain bowls with; that being WrestleCrap of course. I felt the urge a few seconds ago to assemble a countdown but turns out it was just Christmas leftovers passing through my colon. I need to flush this sludge out of my system posthaste so prepare yourselves for 25 years worth of fecal matter because I'm dumping it alllll into this column (please excuse the potty mouth). Now most of these turd tales are totally fictional and we begin with a story as unbelievably embarassing as Jinder being treated like a credible champion. The incident in question however is supposedly based on true events according to a retired Canadian wrestler. Sure it could be a b.s. report but I mean hey, when has Hart ever shown any bias?

Bret "The Shitman" Farts on Kayfabe

I. This is a tale of two cheeks. The first of which revolves around Yokozuna's ass imploding a toilet seat. Apparently Hart and Taker were nearby shooting the shit when they heard a loud explosion go off inside the bathroom. Upon entering, the two of them discovered the massive sumo-an stuffed in a stall and sitting in a poo puddle. He'd sliced his leg open on a broken piece of porcelain and presumably received an enema from the geyser shooting up from the floor. Undertaker could barely contain his laughter and honestly I would've cracked under the pressure of keeping a straight face myself. What? It probably stunk to high heaven in there. Whew, good thing it didn't happen to somebody like Ryback... there's no way in hell The Big Guy would've been able to afford the repair costs of the toilet on his salary. Speaking of which, I wonder if Yokozuna ever paid Taker back for being such a douche. I would've used his casket as a comode.

II. As for the second part of Bret's rip down memory lane, he claims Yoko had been suffering from a severe case of diarrhea during an India tour. A vile visual but one we can all relate to, right? SkitZ can't even chow down the poo poo platter from Wang Palace without losing complete control of his bowels. I've never crapped myself in public though like Samoa Yo did one night while wrestling The Hitman overseas. The 500+ pounder had Hart in position for a bonzai drop when Bret caught sight of the skidmark on Yoko's posterior. Terrified of receiving a stink face up close and instesinal, Bret scurried to safety; likely avoiding pink eye and a shit stamp across his forehead in the process. That left the ring canvas to absorb the brunt of Yoko's blowhole and let's just say it wasn't coming out in the wash.

Hence why Samoa Joe's trunks are designed with a built-in mud flap

Austin Knocks Goldust with Toilet Humor

On the final episode of RAW in '97, Dustin came out wearing a baby bonnet/adult diaper combo to address Stone Cold. And while Austin wasn't in the mood to toy around with Goldust, he did come bearing a gift; a cloaked black object that dangled from the rafters like a Sting dummy. I get the feeling this is one of those ideas that worked better in theory than execution as it led to the type of technical difficulties you'd expect during the late 90s. Due to the swaying present lowering at a snail's pace, Steve is forced to improvise on the mic and then visibly struggles steering the thing into the ring with a rope. After revealing it to be a porta potty, Austin talks some more trash as Dustin tries sneaking up on The Rattlesnake. Before he can strike however, Steve slams the door in his face and proceeds to beat the big flamboyant baby senseless.

Following a sloppy stunner, Austin tosses Goldust in the portable pooper and turns it over; effectively covering him in kayfabe crap. No surprise there as Dustin's always been a pushover when it comes to wins and bosses. This segment would've tanked though if not for the timeframe and Stone Cold's popularity. Remember how bad it stunk when Creative tried doing a similar segment with Taker and Kanyon years later? 'Twas the culture club equivalent of puckering up for your employer. Then there's Darren Young who skirted the kiss of death for seven years. Luckily for Cena's dark-skinned doppelgänger, he came along when crapping on gays wasn't so socially acceptable. Vince had no issue however outhousing the entire Rhodes family name in one foul swipe. For fuck's sake, The Dream had to die before they dusted off his legacy.

British Bulldog Takes a Shitter

Even though Smith returned shortly after Owen's death, it still felt like he was being punished for the bitter taste Bret left in Vince's mouth. The head booker served DaveyBoy a heaping helping of storyline manure which included a monotonous stint in the Hardcore Division and forging a partnership with the Mean Street Posse (his European Title reign was nothing to write home about either). Also, I'm not sure who made the decision but wrestling in denim jeans is a major fashion faux pas. Cena's caught tons of flack over the years for wearing jorts but at least his lower legs can ventilate properly. It's no wonder Ambrose stepped away recently to take a breather... he probably ripped a stitch. I just imagine alot of chaffing and restriction going on below the equator. Condensation as far as the thighs can see.

Meanwhile, 1999 saw The Rock compete in a series of matches that involved strange stipulations. It started off well enough with his Last Man Standing stalemate against Mankind but soon unraveled into Kiss My Ass matches and this demeaning smudge of a moment. Whether one of Russo's brainfarts or not, the Dog Poop match summed up Smith's lowly status on the totem pole perfectly. I'm still amazed he managed to avoid the Kennel Cell disaster but regardless, they fed Bulldog shit and then dropped him in a pile of it. Talk about flushing one's career down the toilet. I'd have thrown up the dueces and disappeared into obscurity just like LOP's DaveyBoy did.

That sinking feeling when your career officially hits rock bottom

Eddie Disrupts Show's Flow

During the latter half of 2003, Guerrero had begun climbing the rungs to solo success on SmackDown. Chavo was still tagging along in the lowrider but he's also the one who helped Latino Heat blaze a trail to the WWE Title. Before Chavo's heel turn however, Los Guerreros were embroiled in a beef with the Big Show who didn't "like their kind". That didn't stop the seven-footer from stealing a batch of burritos sent to Eddie though and devouring every last bite. The whole thing was a con of course as Latino Heat had laced them with his special sauce beforehand (resulting in Big Show rushing from the ring to the restroom). Having confiscated all the toilet paper in the stall, Eddie spent a few minutes shit shaming the compromised giant before kicking the door in on his privacy. Then only a week later, Guerrero would roll up atop his cousin Chewy's sewage truck and shower Big Show in bodily waste.

But before I go into further detail, let's observe the footage in Video A first:

And the incriminating evidence on display in Video B:

It doesn't stop there either. I've got a whole laptop's worth of offensive material mocking the big bastard. A montage masterfully pieced together by Cody Rhodes, Show sobbing uncontrollably on camera, the diaper dancing New Year's gif, shaking on a Mania match with Shaq that was never taken seriously... (scans computer) You know what? Pull the plug on this parody.

Dammit I had all kinds of fun stuffed planned; DX dumping on The McMahons & their Green Streak Posse, Cena repeatedly pooping on the plot, gassy Natty, Hunter's serious case of swamp ass and much more! I'm running out of puns though as well as reasons to keep piling on The World's Largest Athlete so pardon me while I flip back a couple decades real quick. Growing up, I remember our family functions always degenerating into discussions about shit. A disgusting habit I know but we'd laugh our asses off rambling about a subject that had no business being brought up at the dinner table. Well oddly enough, I feel like we've treated Big Show to the same lack of courtesy. Paul Wight is arguably the most imposing figure the sport of professional wrestling has ever seen and yet how do fans view him? As sheer and utter WrestleCrap.

The giant's a household name around the globe but as far as our universe is concerned, we'd rather stuff him in a septic tank and seal it off forever. When asked, some folks will say that Big Show's part of the constipational hazard clogging the flow of new superstars looking to make a splash but if anything, he's helped expand the talent pool. The seven-footer has very modest stats for a man of his size, strength and status in the industry. If wrestling were more reality based, it'd be Big Show on the verge of breaking Flair's record. He'd have won a handful of Royal Rumbles, main evented a dozen WrestleManias and held countless other championships simultaneously but that's simply not the case. His hodgepodge of World Title reigns are as laughable in length as my micropeen, The Rock screwed him out of winning the 2000 Rumble and he boasts a 4-11 record at Mania (inluding being left off the main card on three occasions).

Now I'm among those who spent many late nights swearing at my TV screen because of Big Show but the guy's a saint. He's a total team player and has proven it tirelessly with the amount of humiliating shit WWE's dragged him through since first debuting. And for every craptastic character tweak, Show's rebounded from each setback with refreshing feuds against Brock in '03, Mayweather in '08, Henry in '11 and Strowman here in '17. His battles with Braun reminded me just how beneficial it is having a veteran like Show around the locker room who could make waves backstage but instead just goes with the flow. I notice people pushing for a token World Title reign for Kane and think to hell with that. Big Show's just as deserving but the truth of the matter is neither monster should be carrying the company's centerpiece nowadays. That doesn't mean we can't appreciate the impact they've both had on the business.

Big Show's match with Cass at SummerSlam was pure WrestleCrap and they were dead in the water long before Enzo descended from the shark tank. But while watching and wincing, I actually grew a newfound respect for The World's Largest Athlete. Why on Earth you ask? Because here's this huge attraction who's willing to take a paycut and work the new kid on the undercard instead of clamoring for 30 minutes in a co-main event (cough Triple H cough). I'm done devaluing Big Show's worth and didn't realize until after he left for hip surgery that holy shit... I actually miss seeing that giant turd sack on RAW. And while the timetable for his return remains a mystery, can we make some room for Big Show at the Show of Shows? Don't the two practically go hand in throat?

Sorry, I realize you probably wanna chokeslam me right about now. Who cuts their shit list in half to shine some light on a faded WWF star? Touché but on the bright side, I'm feeling festive with New Year's right around the corner so please accept this consolation; a clip of Vickie Guerrero letting it rip at a company party.

She really fans out in a crowd


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