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Posted in: The PEN15 Mightier
The PEN15 Mightier (May 28th) - The F'n Rants
By PEN15
May 28, 2012 - 9:00:43 PM

The Rants

I am no fan of Dennis Miller outside of his work on SNL, but I do like the idea of ranting. Here’s a few random rants about the current state of wrestling. It's a pretty piss poor time to be a wrestling fan, which is a partial reason why I've had a hard time finding material to write about. I am merely posting this to make a deadline, as well as vent my general frustration with WWE.


Is there any real fucking shock that the man who ruined the wave momentum CM Punk was riding last fall is now skull fucking his way into the Brock Lesnar storyline, just as it got interesting? I won’t pretend HHH is not a top star, or not a marquee name to put against Lesnar. But with the amount of talent already appearing weekly, why are we getting HHH involved so early into Brock’s contract?

Fuck, everything he does bugs me. Well, except as a wrestler, because he’s pretty damn good in the ring. The problem is that this late in his career, he spends less and less time performing where he’s most talented, and instead wasting lots of time talking, which was never his forte. HHH shouldn’t be off TV, because he’s a valued asset as an authority character. It’s hard to imagine any authority in wrestling history to be as physically intimidating as HHH, but that’s because of his booking as a wrestler. Yet, here he is, at the tail end of his career, not even a year out of beating up the current WWE Champion with no follow up or reason (yet), and he’s going to face the WWE’s biggest acquisition in the last decade.

I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with it if the story telling was superior, but it’s been subpar, no matter what JR tells us. Paul Heyman has been a genius addition to the angle, as it’s hard to find anyone in wrestling today with a better grasp of being a non-wrestling heel. Other than the first night, Brock has been getting booed consistently due to some great work by WWE. That’s not the issue. The problem is making sense of his appearances, or lack there of. I loved how HHH essentially repeated my beef with Brock on Raw (no, I’m not pretending I was ripped off, as I just merely pointed out something that should have been known already, and I guess HHH and his script writers did too) as it made Brock a bad guy to not just Cena’s fans, but Cena’s haters.

It’s too bad Brock is restricted by the amount of dates, but Paul Heyman is a great twist to help. The problem is that Paul is therefore in a microphone battle with Helmsley, and there’s no contest, no matter what WWE attempts to tell you. Helmsley always gets the last word, but he never gets the best word. Fuck him. He’s a dildo.

Where is the WWE Champion?

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite here, but I think I can backpedal enough to stay on the same wavelength I have always been on.

By why the fuck is the WWE Champion being treated as the 5th biggest star on the Raw brand? Brock Lesnar, John Cena, Big Show, and now HHH are all getting bigger storylines than the Champion of the company. If it was only one month, I’d tell everyone to shut up. If it were 2 months, I’d say you’re overacting and calm down.

But at this point, we just experienced the 3rd straight PPV where the headlining match was not a WWE/World Title match. It was a fucking terrible event because the main event was terrible. I'm not saying it wasn't entertaining, but it wasn't entertaining enough to deserve top billing. I'll get to John Laurinaitus in a second, but this was essentially a Raw main event. It was all about storytelling, and nothing about delivery. It's not that I expected a great match. It's not that every main event needs to be a great match. But if you're going to give a main event that is nothing but a cliffhanger, make it smart/entertaining/unpredictable/interesting. Turning Big Show heel isn't a bad thing. But making him the top heel against John Cena for the umpteenth time, while the WWE Champion is playing second fiddle, is fucking bullshit.

I remember not even a couple of years back, WWE gave rising main event stars Jeff Hardy and CM Punk the main event of SummerSlam for the World Heavyweight Title. That card had Degeneration X, along with Orton vs Cena for the WWE Title. But a TLC match for the Smackdown title headlined the biggest event of the summer over those colossal marquee names. This is supposed to be the #2 PPV of the year, and WWE delivered a main event featuring new stars in an effort to brighten their roster.

CM Punk may have been WWE Champion for the past 6 months, but it's been the second or third storyline on Raw the entire time. I know the WWE is trying to develop him as a marketing machine, but they are continuing to do a piss poor job. I won't say it's their only error in the star making process recently, but it's most likely their biggest. Punk isn't the next Austin, Cena, Rock, or Hogan. But he's on the verge of being the next Shawn Michaels or Bret Hart in terms of a tremendous main event hand without being the top draw. He could do even better than that, if WWE let him go a bit. He rose to the top with microphone work. When was the last time he had a significant chance to work the mic to carry an angle? He's been restricted in so many ways, which smells of HHH sabotage. Fucking dildo.

Johnny Ace

I really don't understand how he's become the top heel authority figure. He's nothing more than another Mike Adamle, as a useless twit who can't work a microphone. He draws heat for the worst of reasons, and is forever going to be a shadow of what Vince McMahon brought to the table. He's not over for anything he's done. Fuck, put William Regal in that position, and he'd be as over in a heartbeat. Put anyone with any experience in the ring, and just the slightest ability to talk, and you've got a better heel GM than Big Johnny. I don't anticipate the day he gets his ass beat, which is why the Over the Limit main event was a farce. He deserves the largest piece of the blame towards why ratings and buyrates are slipping. He's not the type of heel to garner new fans. He's as paper thin a character as we've ever seen. The storyline is convoluted with HHH as COO who can tell him off, but can't seem to get him fired. But the Board of Directors can get upset enough to threaten his career, and still turn their back once he snakes his way in.

Even the angle with Cena is putrid. Johnny Ace started his on screen persona against CM Punk, yet they never had a real pay off. The anger between Punk and Johnny wasn't any more real than this feud with Cena, but it went further, and had more history. Yet, it was dropped out of nowhere, while Cena went into hyper hype mode try to salvage this trashbag of an angle. Sorry John, but even your skills can't make up for how flimsy this angle is.

I hate to go back to Punk already, but that's another reason he seems doomed to fail – his angles don't have any satisfactory ending. The angle with HHH last fall, the angle against Big Johnny, Jericho was a step in the right direction, but never had the right amount of power due to it being the #2 story on Raw for 3 months, and the decrepit build to Over the Limit vs Daniel Bryan was embarrassing.

But I digress...

John Laurinaitus is not a good TV character. He doesn't make you hate him, or cheer him. He makes people boo because he does dastardly things, but there's no venom or menace from it. He's just a suit. And while there is definitely potential to make a heel out of an empty suit, this is obviously not working.

The only good thing to come from his run as top administrator on WWE TV is the development of Eve as a heel (which will pay off when she wrestles again) and David Otunga as his lawyer assistant. Seriously, if you don't want Teddy on Smackdown, and if you don't want a computer doing it anymore, or Vickie Guerrero in charge... do something new.

Is there no talent in FCW who has the mic skills to be in charge? Let him or her run WWE for a bit. Make him a heel who does the exact same cowardly heel shit that Johnny does. Then, when it gets time to get him in the ring... he wins fair and square. Make him a modern day Roddy Piper, as someone who ran his mouth long and loud enough to get hated more than anyone. And then, when he wrestled, he backed his mouth up.

Anything would be a positive change in direction. If Cena and Punk can't make Laurinaitus an entertaining character, no one can.

And HHH is still a huge floppy fucking dildo.

And on that note, peace out.

Feel free to email me a comment (Email PEN15). One of the best parts of writing is the discussions that come out of it. My hope is that your response could be used in a column to publicly discuss your comments.
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