Posted in: The Northern Star The Northern Star--I Got Shotgun!
By XanMan
Sep 9, 2009 - 11:33:25 AM
{Argument: By now you should all know that I lost a bet to my new ETA partner, BeyondKnight, a while back that had the stipulation that he'd be able to pick the theme quotes for The Northern Star for three months. We're now quite a ways through that payoff and I'll let BK tell you himself where this week's quotes come from...}
You see Nation, Xan in his foolishness bet against my beloved Pittsburgh Penguins winning the Stanley Cup. And since he still hasn't seemed to learn his lesson and pay the Pens tribute on his own, today's TNS quotes are a celebration of the greatness of the Steel City of Champions!!! (The Pirates don't ccunt) They are direct from the revered Hockey Hall of Fame announcer Mike Lange! So buckle up and....
"Get in the fast lane Grandma, the bingo game's ready to roll!"
On the evening of April 4, 2009, I know exactly where I was, and I feel myself fortunate to have been there. Without Hulk Hogan's contributions in the early eighties, I'm sure professional wrestling wouldn't have exploded the way it did, but to me the greatest WWF/E superstar ever is still Stone Cold Steve Austin. I was proud to be there at his induction, snapped at people who were showing he and Mr. McMahon disrespect, and cheered just as loud as anyone. The guy's a fucking icon in the industry and, while he didn't take the path I originally thought he would, became as legendary in his own right as Hogan, or the guy I originally thought he'd follow in the footsteps of: "Nature Boy" Ric Flair.
Unfortunately, while there's no doubt that the impact of his actions still lives on today, along with his legacy, he didn't have the longevity of either of those other two legends. Because he was such a company man, willing to sacrifice his body for a company that desperately needed his outstanding contributions to stay afloat and eventually overtaker the competitor that almost sunk them, his career was shortened due to severe injury and over time he has become a bit of a caricature of himself, only showing up here and there to down a few beers, hit the Stone Cold Stunner on some heel or other, and get the crowd to pop like crazy while, occasionally, he promotes a new movie.
"It's a...HOCKEY NIGHT in Pittsburgh!"
As a result, it's easy to forget what Stone Cold Steve Austin once was--a fantastic storyteller who was the top face in the World Wrestling Federation who stood out above everybody else in the entire business. Eventually the injuries I mentioned earlier, which began when he suffered a "stinger" from a botched piledriver at the hands of the nearly universally respected Owen Hart(which I mention only to indicate what bad luck it was that this happened to the man,) took their toll on Austin and he had to go from being an adept wrestler to being nearly a straight brawler. Some misremember this as Stone Cold always wrestling that way, but I'm here to tell you that it just ain't so.
If it were, would the clash between he and Bret Hart at Survivor Series '96 or their subsequent submission struggle at Wrestlemania XIII be remembered as classics? Possibly, but I doubt it. The one is remembered because Austin went hold for hold against the Excellence of Execution, who showed very little rust after more than a half-year layoff, and the second one because the two did an amazing job of bringing emotions out of the crowd while they manipulated that emotion to accomplish the most successful double turn in history. Make no mistake, part of the Wrestlemania classic was an out-and-out brawl, but there was tremendous wrestling action in it, as well, and not just on the part of the Hitman.
"Heeeeeeeeeee shoots and scores!"
Austin became known for his brawling style because during his stints as a single's champion in the organization--first as Intercontinental and later as WWF--his primary offense consisted of punches and kicks, including his trademark Thesz-press into mounted punches and "stomping a mudhole" into a downed opponent in the corner. These, along with his attitude toward authority, are part of what made a guy who in every previous era would have been a monster heel into the top face in the business. He fought his bosses the way everyday people couldn't, but wanted to; he drank the way they did; and he fought the way they would if they could--with punches, kicks, chairs, and anything else he could get his hands on--not with cradle suplexes or headlocks.
The legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin is such that I was honored to be in attendance at his induction into the Hall of Fame, as I can think of no better representative to be the "superstar" for the organization at this event, since it coincided with the silver edition of what has come to represent the symbol of excellence in wrestling cards. Still, I have to admit that it was a bittersweet moment, because as much as I've loved Steve Austin since I first saw him as "Stunning Steve" in 1991 WCW, am proud of his accomplishments since that time and to be there to see him receive the ultimate career award for it, I couldn't help but feel that we were cheated out of a longer career by this outstanding performer.
"He gave 'em more moves than Mae West!"
Watching Smackdown this weekend with my kid and listening to Jim Ross call the action at the start of the main event brought that feeling home to me again. Prior to his decision to leave the company(or in kayfabe, being forced out of the company by CM Punk,) Jeff Hardy was the hottest property in the WWE. A columnist whose work and opinion I respect very much has even gone so far as to say that he's been the best wrestler in the world this year, which in terms of straight entertainment value is hard to argue against, and as much as it is a sport, the ultimate point to any sport--besides business, let's not forget--is to entertain the hell out of its audience. Given these facts and the need to annoint a new top heel, it was fitting that Hardy be the one to do so.
"Buy Sam a drink and get his dog one too!"
Whether by good fortune, thorough planning, or divine providence the man chosen to be elevated by the red hot Extreme Enigma was former indy darling CM Punk, whose chosen lifestyle is completely disparate from that of the younger Hardy--not just in kayfabe, but also in the really, real world as one of my old colleagues would have put it. One of my contemporaries recently wrote that by making Hardy's history of methamphetamine use, drug suspensions, and other questionable activities look like something to be admired, and Punk's continued straight edge existence look like something to be spurned that the WWE was going in the wrong direction. He was right, but in my opinion, he also missed the larger point.
Thirteen years after Stone Cold Steve Austin first broke out by winning King of the Ring, eleven years after he came to national prominence by having (obviously) a lead role in the McMahon/Austin feud, and the very same year in which his wrestling career was officially capped off with his induction to the Hall of Fame and subsequent nostalgic romp around the ring to deafening cheers at Wrestlemania, his opposite number has now appeared in the WWE. Sure, technically Punk's been in the WWE for a couple of years now, but it wasn't until this slow-building, excellent heel turn that he embodied this character that is Austin's opposite in every way, and it's sad that Austin isn't here to see it.
The Stone Cold Steve Austin that won over the masses was a straight-up brawler; CM Punk is a wrestler's wrestler. Austin didn't give a flying fuck what anyone thought; Punk is sick and tired of being booed by the fans for being an upstanding citizen. Austin fought authority at every turn; Punk not only supports lawful activities, but you get the feeling that he'd kiss Mr. McMahon's ass to keep his championship, or failing that remain in the championship picture. Most symbolic of all, Stone Cold would celebrate a victory or just a plain, old fashioned beatdown while downing beer after beer on the turnbuckles; Championship Material would not only not drink anything stronger than Pepsi, he would condemn Austin for his actions in the strongest terms.
"Never sit on a bald man's hat!"
In fact, he wouldn't only condemn Austin's actions, he'd fight for what he believes in tooth and nail. Just like he did to Jeff Hardy. Jim Ross mentioned as Punk was jumping his challenger that his actions didn't support his words, but I disagree, and it shows what a good storyteller Jim Ross is and--for all his faults--why he is the best wrestling commentator of all time. There's been a lot of complaints since the departure of Tazz that the decision to move JR over to the color commentator position in order to make room for Todd Grisham as the play by play guy was a mistake, but that's nonsense. Ross was once terrific at that job, but times have changed, and his weaknesses are hidden in the color spot; his strengths amplified.
In Mick Foley's books, he makes it clear that he never would have gotten as over as he did in either WCW or the WWF without Jim Ross calling his matches, promos, etc., and the same can easily be said for Austin. Can you really picture Austin's triumphs without the call in the background of "Stone Cold, Stone Cold, STONE COLD!?" I really, really doubt it. Ross is great at getting wrestlers over; superb at getting angles and ideas over. Without him, the public may still have embraced Austin's character, but I don't know that without that tangential support that he would've gotten over as well, as quickly, or as such a super face when his actions screamed that he was a heel.
"He's handing out checks like it's the first of the month!"
In the same way, Ross has gone from agreeing with Punk's statements on the Smackdown following Extreme Rules, gradually doing so less and less, finally resulting in his condemnation on Friday night. Ross's contention appears to be that despite his words, Punk isn't as virtuous as he portrays himself, and it's his job to make that idea forfront in our minds, to make us understand that Punk isn't the man he claims he is. He is doing his best to bring that axiomatic1 horse to water2 , but for all of that, the discerning viewer can choose not to drink. I choose to see that Punk was doing what he felt necessary to destroy a cancer in the organization over which he reigns.
And, yes, I did say, "over which he reigns," because right now, he, not Randy Orton, not Chris Jericho is the top heel in the company. Jericho is great, but right now he is working a program as a tag champion, elevating both his opponents and his partner towards main event status; something The Big Nasty should never have needed help with. Orton, meanwhile, is skulking around with an entourage who aid him at every turn, and the way the storyline has been, he wouldn't even be in the title picture right now without them. Punk, meanwhile, has earned everything he's gotten. Sure, he took advantage of a weakened Jeff Hardy to win his second World Title, but he earned the right to do so.
His two defeats of Hardy in the last week or so were as clean as they come. You can despise his attitude and his superiority complex, but the fact is that he is winning his matches within the rules, and making people hate him all the same. Quite the opposite of what Edge was doing as the Ultimate Opportunist, yet with much the same results. Now that Punk has rid himself of his albatross, much like Edge did a little over a year ago, he is set to turn his sights on a long time main event star. It's slightly irksome that it's not Austin. Given the parallels in their careers and that Austin would be a more obvious foe of everything Punk believes in that he's now retired and unavailable to participate in what would be a feud for the ages is quite sad.
"He doesn't know whether to cry or wind his watch!'
Yes, "quite sad" and "slightly irksome" are the proper terms--along with ironic, lest we forget--because I do wish that the man who was elevating Punk was Austin. It would just feel operatic in scope; something that I'm sure the guy who's writing the quotes this week could appreciate. However, I'm not going to let it bother me. Smackdown has been an awesome, awesome show lately, and RAW's been pretty damn decent, as well, so I'm not going to let a little thing like the best guy in the history of the business for the job not being around get me down(2 pts.) Instead, I'm going to look at the positives, and in this case, the biggest positive is that the guy that's filling the Austin role is a great candidate, and a major negative.
By negative, I don't mean The Undertaker sucks; I'm referring to his character being an evil, dead, zombie-like being who commands lightning, smoke, and other powers of darkness including the power to rise from the dead, which he has now done again after not being seen for almost five months. What is the first thing this dark babyface does upon his return to the promotion? Choke-slams the postive: our new World Heavyweight Champion without notice, warning, or provocation...twice...and is cheered for it. To say that I really don't understand the psyche of the majority of modern WWE fans is an understatement, but be that as it may, the return of the Dead Man to my television was welcome, as timing is everything, and he always seems to have his down pat.
"She wants to sell my monkey!"
Mark Callaway has been one of my favorite performers for a long time. Without having myriad title reigns, he has established himself as a legend, the greatest big man of all time, and an absolute dead solid lock to be in the Hall of Fame. I think what's happening in what is presumably(and reportedly) the last leg of his storied career is magnificent. In the last 18 months, he's worked hard at putting over Batista and Edge, had a magnificent rivalry with Shawn Michaels that resulted in one of the greatest matches--and the greatest Wrestlemania match--of all time, and is now the top contender for CM Punk's World Title and the man who will push him over the top.
We're about to see a war between light and darkness, between good and evil, right and wrong, champion vs. guy who wants to be the champion; and both guys can claim almost all those designations. For the second straight World Title feud, we have to decide which side we'll be on. Sure, we always have that option, but I can't remember a time when the division was this close; at least not since Eddie's turn on the man who was raising his child. Right now, these are probably my two favorites in the WWE and they're fighting each other for the World Heavyweight Title! I don't know that I could be more excited about this program. It is going to be excellent, full of blood, sweat, tears, and opposing sides. It is going to be, in a word, AWESOME.
I can understand where CM Punk is coming from, and while I'm not straight edge, I certainly appreciate the perspective he brings and the example he's trying to set for my kids and yours; but I also respect the right of my kids to cheer for The Undertaker instead, which they are most assuredly going to do. I'm on the side of the only straight-edge World Champion in WWE history partly because I don't want another guy racking up very short title reigns, partly because I've been waiting so long to see Punk at the top of the promotion, and partly because I just want to see the Dead Man tap the fuck out to the Anaconda Vise. For the most part, though, regardless of the victor, I'm just glad to be along for the ride.
"You can spit-shine your shoes, cause the Pens are going dancing with Lord Stanley!"
Long days, pleasant nights
1 Please note the correct word usage. Far too often, people use the word "proverbial," which--interesting enough--means "of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a proverb." The phrase, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink," is not a proverb; it is an axiom.
2 Or Koolaid, whichever you sheep...er...horses prefer.
Points of Light
I'm a few days behind, but these are the best I've read in the last week or so:
I agree with your assessment of who the best wrestlers in each promotion are. It's a shame though when the best WWE performer is a 40 plus year old man. I was reading another column on here that addressed the Cena "hating" and how it really was fans booing the booking committee. I feel that the way Cena is booked nowadays (basically Superman without the cape) really hurts him and WWE in the long run. How is Cena ever supposed to learn how to properly work a great match or at least different styles of matches if they always book his matches the same way? Take punishment, deliver "5 moves of doom", and then pin fall victory with a fireman's carry? Come on, that's a joke. And Vince actually wonders why people boo? But that's besides the point. The main question I wanted to ask you was how do you feel about the current state of wrestling as a whole because I feel that it is in big trouble. In 2 years or maybe a little more the entire wrestling (especially WWE) landscape will change because HBK, HHH, Undertaker, Jericho, Kurt Angle, Big Show, Batista, Jeff Hardy and maybe Edge will be retired. Then what? Who's ready to take all those spots? Kevin Nash, Mick Foley, Booker T, Scott Steiner, Sting, Team 3D, and Jeff Jarrett will be retired too. Then what TNA? I don't see that many talented wrestlers and especially with that amount of star power in the mid card for either WWE or TNA for that matter. What happens then? ROH and FIP and even CZW have some talented guys on their rosters, but would even a raid of those organizations' talent rosters produce any superstars equivalent to the likes of what we are seeing today? I don't know if you are a hip hop fan or not, but a couple of years ago a rapper named Nas stated plainly that "Hip Hop is Dead". This got the whole Hip Hop community in an uproar, but to me when you looked at the context and meaning with which he said the comment, it made perfect sense. Nas didn't mean that nobody would ever rap again, he simply meant that the pure art form of hip hop had been lost or commercialized to the point where the music no longer had a message and had basically become a caricature of itself. I think this applies to wrestling as a whole and WWE and TNA specifically. There are not many young wrestlers that want to be a wrestler because they love the business anymore, nowadays these guys get into the business to make a quick buck and it shows in their ring work and commitment to learning the craft in which they chose to ply their trade. I bring this up because all of the performers I mentioned earlier are going to be gone sooner than later. I don't see there being much time for these young wrestlers to develop and be given the rub or be put over by these veterans. Moreover from that, I don't see the urgency by either Vince McMahon or Dixie Carter to do anything about the situation. You can't have a show with young wrestlers that nobody cares about and that's what it is going to come to in the near future. As a wrestling fan seeing this mass exodus of main event and in a lot of cases Hall of Fame talent leave without any suitable replacements is sad and frightening for the future of the sport. The even sadder part is even if Vince and Dixie go into crisis mode, will there be enough talent left to accept the mantle and keep wrestling on television? Without marketable stars there's no tv, and without tv the WWE and TNA cease to exist. It could happen. Don't believe it? Ask the AWA, World Class, ECW (the real one), and WCW. As always great column and I look forward to your feedback.
Well, other than saying, "Thank you," the first response that springs to mind is, "Amen." However, let's look at the bigger picture for the WWE right now: Chavo's bullshit angle with Hornswoggle might actually be leading to a feud that's going to elevate Evan Bourne at least into the midcard. I don't believe Swagger was on RAW this week, which both surprises me and pisses me off, but they are programming MVP and Mark Henry against Jericho and The Big Show, and even if they end up not winning the titles, that is another step up the ladder for those guys.
As I said in ETA, Cody Rhodes looked like a star against DX and got a massive "Cody" chant at the end of last week's RAW main event along with a strong showing against Cena this week. He may be solidified as a semi-main eventer after this Sunday's rematch against DX. Plus, they recently added Bryan Danielson and Nigel McGuinness--arguably the top two performers in ROH--to their roster. How will they be used? Unknown at this point, of course; we can only hope for the best.
On Smackdown, they are obviously trying to make new stars. As this column addresses, CM Punk is the hottest thing going in the WWE right now, Dolph Ziggler has been hot on the heels of the I-C Title for months now, and yet it was another guy who got the strap--John Morrison. The Hart Dynasty seems to lose a majority of their matches, yet they haven't looked bad yet and with the way they have been put over by JR they are definitely on the move up. The future may not be bright yet, but it's certainly less dim than it was in June.
As for TNA, they recently lost one of their bright shining lights in Angelina Love through no fault of their own, but they've done a poor job of using Velvet Sky as anything more than her lackey lately, so both of the Beautiful People may be flushed down the toilet soon. AJ Styles, Homicide, Samoa Joe, Hernandez, Matt Morgan, Daniels, Beer Money, The Motor City Machine Guns, and the World Elite are all in angles that could lead them to prominence within the organization soon. Impact! has become the second best wrestling show behind Smackdown in my opinion, and if they manage to land Jim Ross on top of already having Tazz, they will get that much better and will feel a bit more legitimate. I'm very optimistic about this organization, and I doubt it's a coincidence that this change in booking philosophy happened shortly after Jeff Jarrett's suspension.
BrandonM writes:
Nicely written column on Kurt Angle. I just had a similar conservation with my cousin about Kurt Angle and we pretty much came to the same conclusion you did in your latest piece. It seems like the guy is competitive to a fault. He's a workaholic and he absolutely has to believe he is the best wrestler alive. If he thinks he is losing ground, it seems like he will keep working harder at any cost to his body. I will not be surprised if Kurt Angle unfortunately passes away at a relatively young age.
From about 2001 through 2006 I believe Angle was the best wrestler in the world. I was blasting McMahon for giving up on him when he did. As much as I hate how Angle was treated after sacrificing so much for the WWE, it seems more and more like Vince's actions were validated. Angle cannot stay clean and wants it too badly. Which brings me to my question for you...knowing what you know about Kurt Angle's accomplishments, where do you rank him on the all time list? Work rate, mic work, entertainment value, longevity, main event capability; those are the qualifications. Does he make your top 5? Top 10?
It's hard to be surprised if any wrestler dies young anymore, though it always grieves me when one of them does, and as I've said in the past, has the potential to prompt myself to take a long look at my love of the wrestling business and wonder if I'm contributing to these deaths by my continued fandom. I think Kurt Angle looks horrible now, but that's because I only saw him in the WWE, probably. His legs look like twigs trying to support a body they aren't made to(yet one that's obviously less msucle-bound than it was 3 years ago.) I hope the dude takes a break soon to refresh himself, but he seems unable.
Honestly, I've never created a list of the best wrestlers ever or--sounding less pretentious--the best wrestlers I've ever seen, but I don't think Angle would be in the top 5. Ahead of him would be Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, Ric Flair, and Eddie Guerrero, of course. I'd probably put Triple H and Bret Hart in front of him, as well, along with Randy Savage. I'm sure I'll get some flack for Hart, but it's the way I feel. The Rock should probably be in there, as well, though his short career makes him harder to quantify than the others. Shawn Michaels was never really a draw, though he could have been as part of DX, I have no doubt. So add Angle in there somewhere and we'll call it a top 10. Let's go like this:
1) Stone Cold Steve Austin
2) Hulk Hogan
3) Ric Flair
4) Eddie Guerrero
5) Triple H
6) Randy Savage
7) Bret Hart
8) Kurt Angle
9) The Rock
10) Shawn Michaels
How does that sound? Remember, this isn't rock solid, just off the top of my head, but I think it's a pretty good list; hopefully I'm not missing somebody obvious.
I'm glad you both enjoyed the column.
You can send any comments by email to me at XanManX@hotmail.com with the words "Northern Star" or "feedback" in the subject line; or, if you're a member of the LoP Forums you can click here to leave feedback, as well.
