XanMan sits in his office suite at LOPN reading a memo from his boss and wondering where it all went wrong. Eight months ago, he returned to the Lords of Pain Network for a couple of one-shots and ended up getting blown away with an offer to become a full-time big-shot talking head for them; being offered both his solo outlet, "The Northern Star," and a joint effort, "Excuse The Aggravation," prominent exposure. Now, though, things are looking a bit dire for the latter. Since he first started ETA nearly six years ago, he's had two permanent partners: doublehelix and Random Guy #5; a temporary one in Julian Phoenix; and several guest hosts. When he first tried to bring ETA back to air, he was in a quandary because both helix and Random had put their wrestling watching behind them. After being turned down by Zuma, who had done the same, Xan selected former LOP star, aisce as his cohost and it seemed like a dream pairing at first, but when aisce disappeared without a word, it left Xan once again fumbling for a partner. He didn't have to look far, as he simply promoted "Stat Sheep," but after a few episodes, sheepster got busy with prior commitments and has not been able to contribute much and won't be able to for the forseeable future. Xan is frustrated with the situation, but isn't exactly sure where to go or when to try again, until the decision is taken out of his hands by corporate. The note he is reading points at a new direction for him on his joint ventures, which he isn't thrilled with for two reasons: 1) He isn't to have a choice in his new partner and 2) Some unfair criticism thrown his way. He completes reading the memo and shakes his head before sitting down to type one of his own.
Hello Jimmy,
No offense, but I'm not too sure about this pairing. Ever since sheepster went out to pasture, they've been trying to find a new cohost for ETA, and now that SkittleZ has moved up to be one of those nameless, faceless, useless suits, they've decided to just combine our two shows, and I'm not convinced that's the wisest choice. You're talented and I like you; we might be able to make this work, but with Skitz throwing around his new-found power and reminding me to be sensitive to your ethnic background, I'm starting to feel like I'm Michael Hayes or something. I mean, when the hell did I ever make a racially insensitive comment, and why the hell would you pull a Lashley over it, anyway?
Best,
Xan
Jimmy, paranoid about the future of internet column writing, is now living in an underground bomb shelter. The internet police can make many mistakes but all I need to do is make one, he tells himself. Jimmy wasn’t wanted by the internet police… yet. He feared that it was only a matter of time that SkittleZ would begin his quest for a column writing monopoly. Opening a memo he received from his new partner Xan the other day, his fears are confirmed. He decides to respond to the situation but gets off topic once his blood boils over a very sensitive social issue.
Hey Xandertaker,
It's no secret that I've hated how SkittleZ traded in his colorful rainbow jumpsuit in exchange for a drab business exec suit. This merger between our shows is just another effort by SkitZ' LOP machine to monopolize the column-writing industry and make us all a bunch of puppets. And he told you to be racially sensitive? He doesn't own the internet! I hate this "racial sensitivity" jazz everyone's pulling now. As a dual minority, I don't feel offended by petty racial jokes. I feel offended that Mark Henry gets handed the ECW Title because of a few comments some drunk guy made. I feel offended that a black Cena clone was showcased at Wrestlemania to avoid being accused of discrimination. I feel offended that Koko B. Ware was inducted in the HOF because of Affirmative Action. Minorities don't need handouts, they need equality. Real "racial insensitivity" is holding minorities to double standards, good or bad.
Your hombre,
Jimmy
Xan reads the letter from his new co-host, and we can see his face becoming more troubled as he reads, because he didn't know James_A had this kind of rage inside of him. He also wonders how he could have been in attendance at Wrestlemania and not noticed that one of the fake Cenas was black. He thinks, "Could it be that I'm more color-blind than the executives above me would like to believe? Or perhaps the one who sent the note has been blinded by his own colorful displays. Either way I know that this racially insensitive crap that was brought up is akin to adding sugar to Frosted Flakes: a pointless waste of time that can only ruin a good thing." So, Xan sits down and composes a reply to a young man he is growing to appreciate even more than before, because he can now see the fire burning inside the kid, and he wonders if it's possible to both partner with and be a mentor to someone.
Quite true, Jimmy.
SkittleZ really has grown a bit big for his britches, and I don't know if the WWE could have been more blatantly obvious about the real reasons for Koko's induction. Despite his own protestations on "Who's Slamming Who" and what seemed like arrogance to me during his induction speech, I don't see any way that Koko B. Ware is WWE Hall of Fame worthy, nor have I read comments by many others who do. If they wanted simply a token black guy, why not Ron Simmons, who was the first black WCW Champion, led the Nation of Domination, and held multiple tag titles with JBL? I'll tell you why: subconsciously Vince wanted to let the world know that it was just a token induction, and not a legitimate one. I suppose as long as we're talking racial insensitivity, we might as well get the big one out of the way: Booker T won the World Heavyweight Title, but some feel that due to Duane Johnson's mixed heritage there still hasn't been a black WWE Champion. Does this make you feel that Vince is racist?
Ponderingly yours,
Xan
Jimmy, still sitting in his bomb shelter, reads the note and immediately forgets the original LOP-related conspiracy at hand. As he reads through he thinks, “Vince, a racist? You bet! Bret, Owen, Christopher, Adam, Natalie. The evidence speaks for itself. ” The conspiracy theorist began to write out one thing after another in a fit of passion to his new partner.
Very interesting question Xan,
Everyone knows that Vince isn't a fan of pushing wrestlers that were not "homegrown" main eventers so that could explain his treatment of Simmons and Booker. Koko got a handout because of his race and partially because he was a "family oriented" wrestler. Now back to the question at hand, "do I think Vince is a racist?" Well, I think Vince is slightly racist though not necessarily against African Americans. I think that without a shadow of a doubt that Vince is racist against Canadians. Just look at his track record: Unceremoniously dumping Bret Hart, killing Owen Hart, ripping the WHC off Jericho, making every one of Edge's reigns transitional, holding Christian back, not letting Natalya wrestle, among other things. Don't bring up Trish Stratus either because I'm faily sure she had to "service" Vince in the early days of her career. And I'm also sure that he's convinced that Maryse is merely French and not French-Canadian.
On a slightly unrelated topic, I'm curious as to how you think Muhammed Hassan fits into all this talk about racial insensitivity.
Respond quickly,
Jimmy
Xan leans back, slams the back of his head into the chair, and slaps himself on the forehead. Until this moment, he's never considered "Canadians" to be an ethnic group, and he's wondering if James could possibly be correct in grouping them in this manner. As easy as it is to kind of view Canada as the 51st United State, it actually is its very own country with its own sets of beliefs and ideals, as well as its own culture, so maybe Jimmy's correct in taking that tact. In fact, he probably is, and maybe Xan's a bit too color-blind for his own good. Thinking about that, and what actually kind of is a 51st state, a lightbulb pops in Xan's head, and he decides to give his new apprentice a homework assignment in his response:
Hassan, Jimmy?
You really want me to go there, knowing how much bile I have for that situation? Okay, but first I want to address some of what you mentioned. Neither Rey Mysterio nor Eddie Guerrero were home-grown talents, either, and are minorities who have held the World Heavyweight and WWE Championships respectively, though Rey's reign is one I'd rather forget, and it's the same title that Booker held. Perhaps them holding that championship is simply a product of what was the top title on their brand at the time? I don't know, but if you look back in history, Pedro Morales was the very first WWF Triple Crown Champion, and he was a minority also, he just wasn't...you know...black. I know you're a bit young, but being part Puerto Rican yourself, I wonder if you've ever gone back and seen video or read anything about the Savio Vega-led group of Los Boricuas that feuded with the Nation of Domination back in the late 90's, and what your opinion on them and their treatment is.
I find it hard to reconcile "Canadians" as a separate ethnic group, but looking at the first definition of the word "ethnic" on dictionary.com: 1) pertaining to or characteristic of a people, esp. a group sharing a common and distinctive culture, religion, language, or the like. However, I can't believe that you think Vince discriminates against Canadians. Really? Bret Hart was the second ever triple crown champion, did it twice, including five reigns as WWF Champion. Sure, he was never pushed as well as some, but I think a lot of that was timing, as Vince was still trying to come to grips with how to push a non-muscled bound golden boy at the top of his company, and when he tried it in earnest, Shawn was his choice for whatever reason. Besides that time, we've got Chris Jericho being World Champion five times and Chris Benoit once, Edge's many reigns that are more a result of his character than his nationality, Christian's ECW Title reign, and many, many other championships by Canadians. I can't believe you'd even think he's biased against our neighbors to the north. I mean, I hardly doubt he sits up at night wondering why they can't pronounce the letter "o."
Now, onto Muhammed Hassan. He was a solid worker who played a great character with aplomb and was fired for doing his job too well. 24 is a great, Emmy-award winning television show that focuses on a new(sometimes multiple) terrorist threat every season, and while it has drawn some criticism for some of its torture scenes, it's received nothing but praise for its storylines revolving such terroristic activities, and if something in the real world had happened the week of a big attack on their show, I'm sure it would have just been brushed off, however when it happened with the WWE--even though the show was pretaped--they drew criticism and the character who was becoming such a monster heel was offered up as a sacrificial lamb to UPN. I didn't see it as a terrorist attack against The Undertaker, anyway, and for the WWE to allow themselves to be censored in such a way was cowardly. I never saw it having anything really to do with "ethnicity."
Booga Wooga,
Shane
Shaneman,
I haven't much time. I don't know about you but all of my memos from you are missing. I can only assume the worst. Enclosed in the envelope is a postcard showing where I am currently hiding. Burn this letter upon reading it. Anyways,
I don't know a thing about Savio Vega. I started becoming a regular fan sometime around Wrestlemania 15 which is, of course, after Vega was released. And according to Wikipedia, I didn't miss much. I honestly cannot give you any thoughts simply because I've never seen any of Los Boricuas' work.
Guerrero and Mysterio might not have been "homegrown talents" but they were homegrown main eventers in the sense that they "made it" in the WWE. Ditto Benoit (and no his 1-day reign as WCW Champion doesn't count.) Vince may or may not be racist against Canadians but I think that it's interesting to note that those who've been multiple-time champions are only ones who are in the argument for greatest wrestler of all time. Bret Hart, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, and (I think he'll get there by the end of his career) Edge. Think about it.
Thank you for your thoughts on Hassan and for your patience with me during this merger between our shows. If I can prevent falling into the ETA curse, I have a feeling that this will be the start of a great friendship. Once again, burn this after reading.
Little does XanMan know that Jimmy has been captured upon his move on out of the country. The person who kidnapped him? Well, it was none other than Vince McMahon himself. He was actually the one that raided the memos Jimmy and Xan wrote to each other and decided to write a memo of his own responding to the statements made by both men. Vince begins his memo with...
HOW DARE YOU!!!?!!! Did you think I wouldn't find out? Do you think I don't have spies in every organization that involves wrestling? XanMan, you and your little boyfriend here don't have any idea what you're talking about. I've employed more minorities than any other promoter ever; why just last week on RAW, a black man defeated another for the United States Heavyweight Championship. Did you ever see that happen in WCW? No, I don't think you did. Who got the biggest surprise push after the first draft lottery? Shelton Benjamin, that's who! Is it my fault that he started blowing shots all the time? Anyone would have pulled the plug on his push after that. I mean, was I supposed to allow him to make the product look bad or injure himself with his clumsiness? He's athletic as hell, but he also tends to lose his concentration at the worst moments. What about Cryme Tyme? They are set up as the first African-American main event tag team ever--and I don't even like tag team wrestling.
And you have the audacity to say I hate Canadians?!?!
I've said it once and I'll say it again: Bret screwed Bret. Are you faggots angry because Jericho isn't currently champion? Well too bad because he is probably the best superstar that feuds without the strap. And don't get your panties in a bunch about Edge either. He's only 34 or so and will have plenty of time to get a credible reign. He's actually on his way right now... HOW DARE YOU FUCKTARD SPEEDO LOVERS MAKE ME SPOIL STORYLINE PLANS!!! As for Christian well, he may be a good worker who's decently rounded but decent doesn't get you to the top. It will for ECW but not for any big gold belts. And once Natalya gets rid of those love handles you'll be seeing her wrestle circles around the divas. Til then she's in good company managing the Congestive Hart Failure (I kid I kid! But seriously.) You fat doucheballs have a lot of nerve accusing me of racial insensitivity. I'm pushing Mark Henry for God's sake, give me a fucking break!
Oh and Jimmy,
I pushed Pedro Morales and Dave Batista who are Puerto Rican and Filipino respectively so shut the fuck up punk.
The bottom line here...um...gentlemen is I don't give a damn what color you are, as long as you can connect with an audience and make me money. I fully expect MVP and Kofi Kingston to win the WWE(or World Heavyweight) Title at some point, and Shelton Benjamin has an outside shot. If we could have found some charisma in Bobby Lashley and he had stuck around, he probably would have already held one of those championships by now. The only color I give a damn about is green, and as long as you can make me some at the top of the WWE mountain, I'll give you the chance to sit there.
The Boss of all Bosses,
Mr. Vincent Kennedy(just once) McMahon
p.s. James, Canadians aren't a race, they're a nationality, dumbass!
As Vince McMahon finished writing his memo Triple H walked into his office. Hunter informed Vince that Jimmy had disappeared from his holding cell. Vince quickly made his way to Jimmy's holding cell only to find a cell with a bed, a tray full of rocks, and a poster of Michelle Rodriguez on the wall-- and nothing else. Frustrated, Vince took one of the rocks and hurled it right at the poster... only to find that it went through. Amazed at this Vince ripped the poster right off the wall and discovered a massive man sized hole right through the wall. What he didn't know was that Jimmy had escaped the night before. It was at this moment that Vince made a promise to himself to find and destroy Jimmy and Xanman. He knew that his evil empire would not be able to stand up in the face of these American-made rebels.
To be continued...
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