Taste My Centsss - Survivor Series Predictions (with Chrisss & Skitz)
By Super Chrisss & SkitZ
Nov 22, 2013 - 3:37:39 PM
Chrisss: 59.0 Skitz: 56.5
Chrisss: I just had a funny thought, SkitZ. What if last Monday's Raw ends up being much more entertaining than Survivor Series? After all, we got a new IC Champion crowned, a heel turn from The Miz, a surprisingly good match between Big Show and Ryback, and a fantastic main-event.
On second thought, it will be almost impossible for SS to impress more than Raw, especially with the garbage card they've left us with.
SkitZ: Gotta tell you, Chrissstopher... I'm already a little offended you didn't include a link to my latest column in that intro. The two practically went hand-in-hand! I'll be a good sport though and brush it under the rug (this time).
RAW had plenty of strong points but not necessarily any selling points as far as the PPV is concerned. Rather than give us a solid reason to order S/Series, the company gave us our money's worth for free during Monday's broadcast. That's like visiting Melon Shakers and a "private session" not costing you a dime. The entire strategy on WWE's behalf is shaky.
Chrisss: It all goes back to what a lot of people have been saying since Night of Champions. They seem to be using their Pay-Per-Views to promote Raw. Because let's be honest - a lot of what happened on Monday could have been saved for Sunday (Big E's big moment, Rey Mysterio's return, Miz going back heel, etc.). Why are we supposed to pay money to see a bunch of matches we've seen before and/or don't care about?
SkitZ: Well I can't speak for everyone else but my ass isn't planning on it. How ironic that company officials entertained scrapping the pay per view a few years ago, decided against it and Survivor Series has turned into more of a throwaway show every year since. And stop talking about Miz's role reversal as if it changes anything... dude's still an eye sore.
Chrisss: Well, we have to talk about The Miz since not even a heel turn could strip him of his "Mr. Pre-Show title"...
Kickoff Match: The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
Someone on LOP brought up an interesting statistic in which exactly twelve months ago, the Raw before Survivor Series, The Miz turned face and landed himself a spot on the 5-on-5 Traditional Tag Team Match. Now, on the Raw before this year's Series, Miz turns heel and is on...the pre-show? Although I'm as glad as anyone that Face Miz has been laid to rest, you have to appreciate the irony.
SkitZ: Kofi/Miz? What is this, 2009? ****. Forget all the Miz talk for a second. Can't Kingston get some love? You could argue that Black Ranger is the one guy on the roster who desperately needs a change more than Mizanin. Kofi's relevance is in worse shape than our (well mine anyway) country's health care system.
Chrisss: I do feel bad for Kofi. He's a good, charismatic worker whose had his momentum derailed numerous times thanks to WWE's dumbass booking over the years. They'll give him a serious push for a few weeks, and then have him start jobbing again. Or they'll position him in line for a main-event push, only to reward him with a United States or Intercontinental title reign. I dare you to name me another current WWE superstar who has been running in place longer than Kofi has (regulars on Superstars or NXT don't count).
SkitZ: Wait, don't try to turn this shit around on me. I'm the one that initially posed the question you just asked me! Weren't we talking about Miz before? Something about him blowing chunks?
Chrisss: We were, and I'm already bored. Pick a winner so we can move onto matches we might not be more excited about, but at least we'll be running down the actual card.
(Sorry for the lack of enthusiasm, folks. You can't pay me to care about this year's Survivor Series card.)
SkitZ: Well isn't the outcome super obvious? WWE's creative direction may defy logic often times but I doubt they'd job Miz out mere days after returning him to a tolerable level. His match against Djibouti is nothing more than a refresher course.
[Memo to Miz]:
--Here's a suitable crowd favorite.
-- Be an asshole.
-- Piss off the crowd a bit.
-- Make some stupid ****in faces.
-- Cheat but not enough to get DQed.
-- Smack a kid in the front row.
Kingston's a trooper.
Chrisss: I second that notion! Yeah, Kofi is pretty much the go-to guy whenever WWE wants to make a midcard heel look like a threat for a while. So yeah, a win for Kofi doesn't look to be in the cards this Sunday.
Chrisss' pick: Miz wins
SkitZ's pick: Miz wins
Total Divas vs. Regular Divas Tag Team Match
Ugh. Ugh. UGH! Way to spit in the face of tradition, WWE. Half of these women have no business wrestling at a PPV, let alone a member of the "Big 4", let alone a freakin' Elimination tag team match! What did we do to deserve this?
SkitZ: It's payback for the pervy bastards who cheer every time a chick riot ensues in the ring. Apparently, the company's treating the entire Divas roster to a PPV bonus for... dressing like sluts? Classy. This route simply saves management from any guess work. "Lets throw every woman wrestler we've got into one ridiculously congested match! Huh? What do you mean the teams are unbalanced? Just stick Kaitlyn on the heel side. Not a heel? Nonsense. Just put some dark makeup under her eyes and she's good to go".
Chrisss: I'm still confused as to why we're supposed to boo Aj Lee. Days before Survivor Series, they book her in a match with one of the most hated on-air characters in WWE history, let her beat her ass, and expect the fans not to chant her name? Oh, and did you notice how one of The Bellas got angry during Musical Chairs and pulled out a chair from underneath one of the other divas? BAW GAWD J.R., why can't The Bellas get over as faces, I just don't get it!
Anyways, this has the makings of being the worst and quickest traditional tag team elimination match in Survivor Series history, especially with the likes of JoJo, Eva Marie, and Cameron involved. I hate them so much, Skitz, I really do!
SkitZ: Yeah but the elimination format is actually a step up from 'one fall decides it all'. At least now we can figure out if any of these newbies have finishers. Seeing as how Xavier Woods stole Gail Kim's move, nothing is off limits. As long as AJ makes three or four girls from the other sorority tap, I'll bless it with a passing grade.
Chrisss: At least one of us has something nice to say about this cluster**** of a match, so there's that. But it's time for the million dollar question: wo walks away with the win? Aj Lee and Tamina as the sole survivors (rightfully so) or do they let the "face" team win just to plug Total Divas?
SkitZ: If we lived in a just world, the Geek Goddess and her mail order bodyguard would skate to a victory. But between the reality show creating buzz around the company and AJ's domination of the division since summer, I'm fearful the Bella Bunch will prevail. The title isn't up for grabs so I can stomach it.
f not one nip slip or glaring camel toe comes from this ordeal, it'll be tragic. There's also a severe lack of Asian cuisine in this match. Double thumbs down.
Chrisss: Yeah, I suppose if there was ever going to be a time when Aj had to lie down for one of those overrated, untalented bimbos on PPV, it would best be when her silver is not up for grabs. Therefore, I grudgingly agree, that Team Total Divas get the win, hopefully without Jojo and Eva still standing. Now I'm depressed again. Let's keep moving.
Chrisss' pick: Team Total Divas wins
SkitZ's pick: Team Total Divas wins
Traditional Survivor Series Tag Team Elimination Match: Rey Mysterio, Cody Rhodes, Goldust, and The Usos vs. The Shield & The Real Americans
SkitZ: The Authority's hired hitmen being featured in a traditional S/Series bout that doesn't include Bryan or Big Show just seems so odd. This version is clearly more driven towards tag team wresting and that's great I suppose but the lineups are off. Its been discussed ad nauseum. Rey's placement amidst the chaos is a mind****. I assume because the Anti-establishment(ers) are outmatched in numbers, management felt that a heroic cruiserweight with popsicle sticks for limbs was just what the doctor ordered...
Nevertheless, I would've accepted Langston as a mystery opponent. Just sayin'. I mean in favor of an IC Title rematch? Absolutely.
Chrisss: No offense to The Usos or The Rhodes Bros,, but when you break it down, this is a very unfair match-up. One one side, you have a former world champion, THREE former U.S. Champions, and a pair of former tag team champions. If we remove Mysterio from the equation, The Usos haven't even tasted gold yet in the WWE, despite being featured heavily these past few months on television. This reminds me a bit of that 2009 match which saw Miz, Sheamus, and McIntyre defeat a face team of midcarders and go on to become future world champions (or at least a chosen one).
That being said, this baby could easily steal the show without breaking a sweat. As for Big E, don't be surprised to see Curtis randomly invoke his rematch clause this Sunday to no avail.
SkitZ: A lot of WWE's best work horses are showcased here and if I were to order the pay per view for any reason, it'd be this. The gold disparity between the two groups doesn't mean squat...alright maybe that's a tad inaccurate. I do in fact foresee The Shield & Real Americans escaping Boston with a 'W'. Early wagers on Reigns being the sole survivor? Ooooooooh FORESHADOWING. Ambrose could very well make it to the end alongside Roman.
Chrisss: Believe it or not, I too can see Ambrose and Reigns being the sole survivors for their team. As much as I like Rollins, he's taken the fall for the trio many times over the months, and Sunday will be no exception. I would also like for Cesaro to emerge as a star and a sole survivor, but I don't see it. The Real Americans will most likely be the first - and maybe even the only - members of their squad to be eliminated.
SkitZ: Perhaps. Claudio's booking Sunday night could be a good barometer of what the company has in store for him. Feel free to shit can Swagger whenever though. That lanky ****er's proven that he's almost as unreliable as he is a disappointment. Blunts, 40's and stealing submission holds is no way to live, Jack. Get help. And take as long a break from my television as you need.
The Shield and Real Americans should have this one in the bag. Serious MOTN potential hovering above this match. Which, in comparison of the remaining card, isn't much for anyone to hang their hats on.
Chrisss: I couldn't agree more. Although part of me does feel bad for the tag champs and a much more established Usos (compared to a few months ago) losing some momentum on Sunday, I just hope Rey doesn't end up being the last man standing on his team and taking out a few of his adversaries before going down. Rey has absolutely nothing to gain from a "heroic" performance on Sunday. Let Cody or even Goldy try and tough it out as long as possible.
SkitZ: Mmmm that thought did creep into my head earlier. Rey and both Rhodes Brothers surviving wouldn't be quite as bothersome. Dammit I forgot that Mysterio and his travelling circus can't be tamed. Now I'm feeling weary of his involvement... and my prediction!
You Canadians and your ****in' Jedi mind tricks.
Chrisss: Here's an idea! Why don't you man up and choose a side? While WWE will surely be tempted to let the Masked Man play superhero for the millionth time this decade, there's no way all three members of The Shield are jobbing to Rey Rey of all people. Shield and Real Americans win; Ambrose and Reigns the Sole Survivors.
SkitZ: Gahhhhhh alright fine... Make it a double order then. I can't afford to lose any more ground at this stage. You've got my nuts in a vice grip! Be gentle.
Chrisss: #PAUSE your entire existence right now!!! But I do appreciate you doing the right thing and listening to the master of predicting WWE Pay-Per-View outcomes (don't ask how poorly I do when it comes to TNA ones).
Chrisss' pick: The Shield & Real Americans win (Ambrose & Reigns are Sole Survivors)
SkitZ's pick: The Shield & Real Americans win (Ambrose & Reigns are Sole Survivors)
Intercontinental Championship: Big E Langston (c.) vs. Curtis Axel
These two young men pulled out a surprisingly entertaining match this past Monday, but I'm shocked a large portion of the IWC is actually excited about this one. Sure, they've proven their in-ring chemistry, but Del Rio has a better chance of beating Cena for the world title than Axel does of regaining his IC title. While I do give WWE props for announcing this match in advance - since a Triple H interview with wwe.com four days before a PPV counts as 'early' nowadays - there's just no reason for me to care about this match, especially since Heyman no longer hangs out with Axel.
SkitZ: Did it ever occur to you that perhaps people are thrilled just simply because the title's off Hennig now? And on someone who could potentially go places in his career? Plus, it's natural for us to greet rematches with a warm reception when the previous performance delivers. And I believe that rings true from one end of the spectrum to the other (from main events to curtain jerkers). I never said Axel couldn't wrestle. Nah it's all the stuff before and after the bell that makes me wish I had a DVR synced up to my brainwave activity. It'll be interesting to watch how Big E manages as champ while WrestleMania draws closer and closer. Based on what you've seen thus far, is Langston more likely to succeed in his current role or take the wrong muscle enhancer and lose his penis?
Chrisss: Do I think Big E has the necessary tools to succeed as Intercontinental Champion? Definitely. Do I trust WWE management to book him in the correct manner? Hell no. It would not surprise me in the slightest if Big E jobs to Del Rio next week on Raw to put over ADR's "new-found aggression" after failing to regain the gold from Cena. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
Since I'm not a fan of Axel outside the ring, I'm not exactly bawling my eyes out knowing that he'll either become a jobber or return to the internet-exclusive Superstars after Sunday's PPV. The due can wrestle, but man, he really needs to develop some kind of personality.
Everyone knows Big E has this one in the bag, so do you have anything else to add or should we move on?
SkitZ: Yeah - Langston's face turn should've come with longer tights.
Chrisss: Seriously. That ring attire is super creepy *shudder*.
Chrisss' pick: Big E retains the title
SkitZ's pick: Big E retains the title
CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs. Erick Rowan & Luke Harper
Do you consider this match-up a step-up the card for The Wyatt Family or a demotion for Punk & Bryan? Or a bit of both? Or are you - like may others - still puzzled why this match is on the PPV instead of the epic, twelve-man main-event they gave us on Raw instead?
SkitZ: I think this predicament is indicative of The Wyatt Family not coming along as quickly as management hoped so now they're attempting to expedite the process by putting them with Punk & Bryan. Not to mention both guys needed direction after their respective feuds with Heyman and Orton concluded at HIAC. I only take issue with the handling of the first showdown in this series and it belonging on an episode of RAW.
To be honest, I don't buy into reserving Bray for the next pay per view. Wyatt hasn't shown me anything from a physical standpoint to support WWE treating his matches like a rare commodity. The theatrics are awesome but Husky's in-ring repertoire is pretty light for such a burly fellow. Am I right or am I right?
Chrisss: I know what you're getting at, and you're probably right. Unlike others, I don't believe in the "Punk and Bryan have been buried/demoted" rumours. For one, they've main-evented more Raws and SmackDowns since HiaC than Cena and Orton have. Furthermore, their match with The Wyatts on Sunday is easily the third most-anticipated bout on the card (after the two world title matches). Anticipated from WWE's perspective, that is, not mine.
In your estimation, who gains more from a win here? The Wyatts, by beating two top stars in Bryan and Punk? Or is it the heroes of the IWC who regain some lost momentum by not being in contention for a world title?
SkitZ: Marks tend to break out in lectures whenever the proposition of D-Bry enduring another loss comes up in conversation so tread lightly, Chrissstopher. While Goatface and the BITW could easily bounce back from defeat at S/Series, I'm sensing they'll win this leg of the journey. Harper & Rowen have already lost on a couple different occasions and Bray's momentum remains protected so where's the harm? Bryan & Punk will have their hands full Sunday trying to pull something even remotely special out of their opponents. This could be an ass scratcher if Wyatt's cronies are on the offensive for long stretches. Not exactly the best way to wrap up one's weekend if you get my drift.
Chrisss: Yeah, I'm a big fan of Harper's in-ring work but Rowan hasn't really impressed me thus far. Maybe that will change after Sunday but I won't hold my breath. I agree that Punk and Bryan winning is the right call, as the two big men shouldn't be able to defeat two former world champions this early in the storyline. I could see the outcome reversed in a gimmick, return match at TLC, though.
Any final thoughts before we jump to Cena/ADR?
SkitZ: Today at work I was moving furniture to make room and came across a Fedora eerily similar to Bray's. Is it a sign from the wrestling gods? Oh and speaking of which, I also stumbled upon a speaker labelled 'JBL'... Does that mean we're due more chants for Bradshaw during the Divas match?
Chrisss' pick: Punk & Bryan win
SkitZ's pick: Punk & Bryan win
World Heavyweight Championship: John Cena (c.) vs. Alberto del Rio
I'm still laughing at you for picking ADR to retain last month at Hell in a Cell. I was wrong; they didn't main-event, but the outcome was still the same, and that won't be any different come Sunday. I cannot wait for Cena to put away your favourite wrestler so someone new can challenge Cena at TLC. Del Rio needs something else to do other than challenge or hold the world title, damnit!
SkitZ: Tsk tsk. When will you realize the two are basically synonymous with one another? I'm tempted to side with Berty again just for the sake of being a defiant prick (don't put it past me). Forgive me if I'd rather catch my junk in a hot zipper fresh out the dryer than be subjected to Cena/ADR Take 17. I'm beyond fed up with this program. And Cena is still fresh off his return which means we're royally ****ed. Universally ****ed. Ava Devine orgy ****ed.
Chrisss: Get real. Not even you're dilusional enough to pick your boy two PPVs in a row, are you? I know you're his biggest fan, but this is bordering on my former Zack Ryder fandom-levels of scary. Just accept the fact that Del Rio should be far, FAR away from any world title and you'll feel much better, trust me.
This card is boring me to tears. I'll let you defend Del Rio one last time and then it's main-event time! "Yayyyy"
SkitZ: What in the flying **** does Cena need with the belt? Is it a pat on the sack for returning so impossibly early? Dorito was chugging along at a nice steady clip before Cena rode in majestically with his blow-up Bella and predictably saved the day. Del Rio's a certified G and should be treated as such. Besides, Cena parading around with the World Title is as satisfying as sex with a condom. Or better yet, wearing a rubber while some floozy waxes your carrot.
Chrisss: Please. I will gladly take Cena as WHC over Del Rio. Hell, I'll take Hornswoggle over Del Rio. At least the midget is actually over!
Chrisss' pick: Cena retains the title
SkitZ's pick: Cena retains the title
WWE Championship: Randy Orton (c.) vs. The Big Show
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the third consecutive Survivor Series in which Big Show either challenges for a world title (2011 vs. Mark Henry, 2012 vs. Sheamus, and now vs. The Viper). Way to put new talent in the spotlight, WWE. Do they really expect this year's show to draw a decent number? Big time LOL!
SkitZ: Why do the 14 years Big Show's spent with the company feel more like 25? Is it a pride thing for Paul Wight? We applaud your dedication, big man. It's been a long and taxing journey (on your body and my sanity). But let. It. Go. I'm starting to get pissed. Orton's bad enough. Why pour salt in an open wound?
Chrisss: What's worse, 25 is quite close to the actual number of times Show has swapped from face to heel and back over the years (our foreign buddy Freeman counted 19, I believe). That's ridiculous. Maybe he would have a bigger legacy to leave behind - pardon the pun - if the fans were able to keep track of his allegiance for a few solid months. I don't take Big Show as a serious threat to the WWE title. Stealing Bryan's thunder AND the 'Yes!' chants isn't going to change that.
We could have easily gotten Orton vs. Punk or a five-on-five match instead. Why must WWE punish us for our dedication as fans?
SkitZ: Personally, I would've built the PPV around Punk/Bray and a 5-on-5'er including the likes of Bryan, Big Show, Orton, Shield, etc. And since you mentioned TBS constantly hogging the main event picture, how about the Dolph Ziggler's and Damien Sandow's who aren't even scheduled to appear? Shameful.
There's no reason why those two studs shouldn't be captaining teams at S/Series. Not to mention they both job with such startling regularity that the unpredictability level would be off the ****ing charts!
Chrisss: You got that right. Poor Ziggler and Sandow. Two guys who are floundering in the midcard despite both being very recent winners of a MitB briefcase. WWE has dropped the ball terribly with the two of them and now we're stuck with a Big Show vs. Randy Orton "money feud"...
Whatever, man. Pick a winner. I choose Orton just because Show sure as hell doesn't need or deserve another title reign, especially in 2013.
SkitZ: And on top of everything else weighing on this match, there's Randy's whole "OMG nobody will help me and Big Show is enormous and my backup are pussies and I'm supposed to be the face of the company and Hunter & Stephanie will kick me back down the card if I fail and wah wah wah" approach stinking up the storyline. As if it's an unprecedented move for The Authority to sucker in the fans before revealing their true agenda. Help will find Orton when he needs it.
Chrisss: If your intention was to try and generate some interest in the match, you sir, have failed miserably. This storyline was all about Daniel Bryan and even though I doubt The Authority is done with the Yes! Man, they had to give Big Show the title opportunity at Survivor Series of all PPVs, didn't they? What a joke. Pretty much any wrestling fan with half a brain can bet money on The Viper leaving Boston still WWE Champion and be satisfied with their earnings.
Chrisss' pick: Orton retains the title
SkitZ's pick: Orton retains the title
Sheesh. I'm glad that's over. I sure as hell won't be spending a single penny on Sunday's show, and I highly advise everyone reading this to follow suit, if you haven't already made up your mind. The same goes for you, Candyman!
SkitZ: Well seeing as how I devoted an entire column to condemning S/Series mere days ago, you shouldn't worry about me. I'll give the results a glance after the Broncos/Pats game and that's the extent of it. TLC can't come fast enough.
Chrisss: Amen to that. TLC can't possibly have a worse-looking card than this year's Survivor Series, right? Right???
SkitZ: Jesus Christ. We probably just put several dozen people into a deep depression with the negativity in this column.
Your Two Centsss: Friday afternoon, Ryback announced he woudl be issuing an open challenge at Survivor Series. Who do you think will accept?
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