Taste My Centsss - SummerSlam Predictions with Chrisss & Skitz
By Super Chrisss & SkitZ
Aug 16, 2013 - 8:28:03 PM
(Credit: Tom Jenner @ImageBlownOut)
Chrisss: 37.0 Skitz: 36.0
Chrisss: That's right, boys and girls. The dynamic duo is at it again. SkitZ, I came this close to replacing you and your tired act this time around, so you better make sure I don't regret it. Have you been keeping up with the Road to SummerSlam or were you too busy wacking off to the divas in your little tournament?
SkitZ: It may surprise you to know that I'm a feverish multi-tasker. So to compensate for my hectic schedule, I often just knock out two birds with one stone by jerkin' it while RAW's on. Brad Maddox is to me what Zack Ryder is to you so... yeah... fapathon.
Chrisss: Uh, reality check, bro! Ryder may still be in my column banner, but yours truly gave up his broski membership a long time ago. Nice try, though. Instead of trying to bury me Triple H-style, why don't we get down to the task at hand? Since we do have a loaded card, after all.
Kickoff match for the United States Championship: Dean Ambrose (c.) vs. Rob van Dam
SkitZ: A thrown together ordeal but who cares? I'd gladly accept this U.S. Title bout over the Ambrose/Henry match most of us expected to see.
Chrisss: Agreed. I'm a fan of Henry but there's no doubt RVD will pull a better match out of Ambrose than The World's Strongest Man can. I also like the clash of styles - Ambrose's unorthodox, grounded offense vs. RVD's unique, aerial skill-set. When you remember that neither guy gives a flying fuck about his personal well-being inside the ring, we could see an awesome match on Sunday.
SkitZ: Harsh. Van Dam's put on solid performances since returning last month but his booking is looser than Chyna's mud flap. There's no rhyme or reason to RVD's direction creatively. It's basically "Well we dunno how long the dude will last before he's suspended again for smoking the ganja so lets just put him in the ring with every decent guy on the roster and see where it goes". Fantastic line of thinking there, fellas. Just excellent attention to detail. Rob should be competing for the World Championship alongside Christian. Not to win the belt mind you but there's a missing element staring me right in the face (and no it isn't Del Rio syndrome).
Chrisss: True, true. But as long as RVD doesn't actually win the US title on Sunday, I'm perfectly fine with the match happening. I would love to see the man lay down for Ambrose, but I think Reigns and Rollins will interfere, which causes Big Show and Mark Henry to make the save, leading to a six-man on the actual card.
We'll get to the WHC discussion in a bit, just be patient. Shield interference or not, Ambrose retains does he not? I'm hoping WWE doesn't try and surprise us like they did with Miz winning the Intercontinental title in the WM29 pre-show.
SkitZ: Bleh. No six-man bullshit either. Why not rather opt for a Ryback segment where Big Show confronts Skipper about his whole bullying campaign and ignites a feud between them? TBS & SkidMark versus Shield does about as much for me as women's basketball.
Chrisss: Fair enough, I guess. Onto the main card!
Chrisss' pick: Ambrose retains the title
SkitZ's pick: Ambrose retains the title
Natalya vs. Nikki Bella
Chrisss: If there is any reason (other than promoting Total Divas) that I should care about this match, or justify it's placement on the show, I would really love to hear it. This is a filler match on a card that needs no filling.
SkitZ: You're searching for justification??? Uhhhh... Nattie's husky and I dig roundabout women. I didn't give Nikki's boob job much thought originally but it's drawn an uncomfortable amount of attention to Brie's bird chest. That was the most pathetic excuse of a nip slip I've ever witnessed. No 30-something year old nipple should resemble a dehydrated fruit.
Chrisss: Hey, at least we got a Kaitlyn nip slip a while back, so don't be greedy. Speaking of which, they could have at least made this a number one contender's match to try and make people care. But I guess creative can't even do that right. Either way, I'm guessing Nattie wins to solidify herself as the next challenger to Aj's title reign.
SkitZ: Chrissstopher... c'mon now, dude... we both know why this nonsense is taking place - to occupy an episode on Total Divas. If that show didn't exist, neither would this glorified RAW filler.
Chrisss: WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT TOTAL CRAP!
...Ahem. Pick a winner please so we can move on.
SkitZ: Pffft are you kidding? Bella #2 and I'd put money on it. The chick's got connections.
Neidhart doesn't ever win unless they're in Canada (and even still, I'd be hesitant to back that pony).
Chrisss: You must have missed RAW this week when Nattie made Aj tap out not once, but twice. Sure, it was the botch to end all botches, but going over the divas champion days before her SummerSlam match has to mean something. Have fun being wrong, while I scoop up the easy point.
Chrisss' pick: Natalya wins
SkitZ's pick: Bella wins
Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes
SkitZ: Of all the ongoing rivalries, this and has been my personal favorite. Management's treated the entire program with a progressive approach and it's paid huge dividends. Both Damien and Cody appear as equals which is how most storylines should be treated. Rhodes is far more talented than the IWC tends to let on and Sandow continues improving. You know what they say... good friends make better fuck buddies.
....Right? Or did I take a wrong turn there?
Chrisss: Pause your entire existence right now!!! Have you been watching Brokeback Mountain on Netflix or something? Sheesh.
Anyways, you're right about one thing - management have done a superb job booking this feud. Unlike others, it was wise to not put the briefcase on the line, as a) such a move would not suit Sandow's character and b) it is not mandatory for every feud to be about winning something. This is simply about two former bffs wanting to tear each other apart. I'm intrigued, and can't wait to see them go out there and give it their all.
SkitZ: MITB winners in recent years haven't fared well at the event and alot of folks are calling for Cody to collect the victory but meh... Sandow should win to build his cash-in momentum moving forward. I'm sick and tired of briefcase holders being treated like foster children. Where's the build or career upswing? Book the third generation wrestler strong in defeat and have him even the score down the road. Vince & Co. have a terrible history of putting a rising star on a pedestal and then completely fucking abandoning the individual five seconds in.
Chrisss: Agreed. Like you said, Sandow has wasted no time in following the footsteps of MitB winners before him by being booked like complete shit. Has he even won a match since the last Pay-Per-View? I'm a huge Cody Rhodes fan, and I'm still a bit bummed it wasn't him who left Philly with the once-blue briefcase, but he's the perfect guy to put over our intellectual saviour come SummerSlam. Will their feud end on Sunday? I doubt it. But Sandow needs the win a lot more than Cody, who's looked quite dominant since his face turn.
SkitZ: Nowadays, breakup feuds often end with a single blowoff match so I wouldn't be shocked if Damien & Cody are heading in different directions by September. I certainly hope that isn't the case. If these past five weeks are any indication, the former friends could make a case for FOTY if they're afforded an additional month or two.
But let's not forget... there's one true star of this scenario and it's that pimp ass leather briefcase!
Chrisss: Midcard feud of the year, in any case. And hey, since we're on the subject of breakups and hissy fits, why don't we talk about the second divas bout of the evening?
Chrisss' pick: Sandow wins
SkitZ's pick: Sandow wins
Aj Lee & Big E Langston vs. Kaitlyn & Dolph Ziggler
Chrisss: A lot of people are worried about the ZigZag man. They look at this "throwaway" match and his upcoming Superstars match (*SPOILER?*) where he teams with Kofi Kingston as a sign that his career is on the fast track to nowhere. I wouldn't be so pessimistic. It's only a matter of time until Ziggler finds his way back into the world title picture. I would have preferred they saved Ziggler vs. Big E for SummerSlam and replace Nattie vs. Nikki for the final chapter in Kaitlyn vs. Aj, but you can't win them all.
SkitZ: Firstly, I don't attribute Dolph performing on a lesser show to his career hitting a brick wall. In fact, I love that Zigglesworth still competes in smaller roles and isn't blowing up his Twitter feed with thinly disguised complaints towards management. The Blonde Perm will wrestle anybody anywhere and it gives me an instant smark boner. More guys should take that approach. I expect it to benefit Zigs tremendously in the long run.
So did I ramble enough about Dolph to clear me of wasting sentences on Langston?
Chrisss: Not a fan of Big Easy, I take it? Can't say I blame you. The dude would have benefited from a longer stay at NXT, if you ask me. How Big E has a match at SummerSlam while the likes of Kassus Ohno and Conor O'Brien are still wrestling in front of a very tiny audience is mind-blowing. Quite frankly, this match could go either way, as both duos are in need of a win, but in order for Ziggler to leave these two in his rearview mirror, he needs to score the pinfall over Big E, and I think that's exactly what's going to happen.
SkitZ: Mmmm indeed. The Show Off's yet to score a clean win over Big E and Kaitlyn's facing the same predicament with AJ. This solves a number of issues in one fell swoop. Pro wrestling logic 101 suggests that Dolph returns to the title picture following S/Slam so yeah... Langston and his underage sex slave do the job on Sunday.
Chrisss: Yikes, don't let Hustle hear you talking about Aj that way. He'll throw some poisonous coconuts at you. Or something of that nature. I wouldn't be so sure that Ziggler will re-enter the title scene that soon based on my prediction for Christian vs. Del Rio, but I wouldn't complain if you were right. Speaking of those two not-so-young men...
Chrisss' pick: Ziggler & Kaitlyn win
SkitZ's pick: Ziggler & Kaitlyn win
World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto del Rio (c.) vs. Christian
SkitZ: I'm indifferent. ADR's performed nicely in his renewed villain role (and more menacing than I previously remember) and kudos to the techies for that Christian video package on RAW.
But goddamn... the company's put over Captain Charisma tooooo strongly. After some non-title losses to Christian, ADR should be reeling and he's carrying on like its another fucking day at the office.
Chrisss: Wait a minute. You actually agree with Michael Cole that we're seeing a "new" Del Rio? He still sucks! He's still not over! The only thing he's done to get any heat since turning heel at Payback was beat the shit out of his homeboy Ricardo, and that lasted until the next day, tops. I couldn't care less of the man who is constantly world champion OR chasing the title, and neither could 95% of the fans. Christian may not be super popular either, but just about anyone is more deserving of that belt than ADR.
SkitZ: Well whether Dorito is undeserving or overpriviledged (same thing?), he's on the extended heel champ plan. Christian gets put in the same category as Kane when it comes to battle-tested jobber veterans. Captain Charisma's being built as a realistic threat to derail Berty's reign but we've seen this movie a thousand times. Please tell me you aren't picking Christian to upset Del Rio?
Chrisss: You know me too well. Of course I'm picking Christian! Partly because deep down, I'm still a Peep, and partly because I want that boring Mexican out of the title scene ASAP. Of course he'll get his stupid rematch at Night of Champions, but then hopefully Del Rio can do something that does not involve a world title. I'll probably end up wrong by a mile, but fuck it.
SkitZ: Tsk tsk. That undying allegiance will inevitably be your downfall. Besides, the World Title doesn't even fit around Christian's waist... how many replica kid belts is the company gonna burn through before they start docking his pay?
Chrisss: Save your One More Meal jokes for someone who cares. Hater.
Chrisss' pick: Christian wins the title
SkitZ's pick: Del Rio retains the title
Ring of Fire match: Kane vs. Bray Wyatt
Chrisss: R.I.P. Inferno Match, it was nice knowing you! I don't know about you, but I've enjoyed the build-up to this match much more than I thought I would. The Wyatts are still relatively new to the WWE audience and Sunday will be their best chance to impress. All at the expense of Good Old Kane, of course.
SkitZ: Speaking of haters, why are people shitting on the Wyatt Family already when they've only been on the main roster for a month and Wyatt's yet to wrestle a match? Talks of heatless promos and lackluster reviews have popped up all across the internet which absolutely boggles my mind. Not every crowd's going to pop huge for their entrance. Bray's mic work has owned and those who argue otherwise are grasping at straws. What else can Wyatt do vocally with the minutes he's given?
Chrisss: Don't ask me; I've been extremely impressed with the Wyatts since their debut last month and I'm thrilled they didn't change their gimmick to "fit" the main roster. In many ways, this match is huge for Bray as it will technically be his debut match and against a future Hall of Famer, no less. The announcement of See No Evil 2 beginning filming this fall basically seals Kane's fate, does it not?
SkitZ: Not necessarily (Orton filmed a movie and wrestled a full schedule simultaneously last year) but yeah probably. Honestly, I wouldn't bet on Kane even under normal circumstances. Swear to God... check the stats... Jacobs has gotta be something like 5-79-2 in these situations.
As for the 'Ring of Fire' gimmick, I guess the flames are simply being used for aesthetic purposes?
Chrisss: You got a point. But if they were contesting the match under Inferno rules, it would have been the perfect outlet to give Kane some time off. Instead, the flames will merely "keep the other Family members at bay". Tsk, tsk. Should be a fun match, either way. Who you going with?
SkitZ: Gotta rely on the Family bond, right? WWE Shop... prepare to be inundated with Hawaiian t-shirts and Fedoras... not sure how I feel about that.
Chrisss: Smart choice. As I like to say, go Wyatt or go home!...No? Maybe? Okay, I'll keep going.
Chrisss' pick: Wyatt wins
SkitZ's pick; Wyatt wins
CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar
Chrisss: The Best vs. The Beast. Arguably THE match to look forward to on Sunday. A lot of people have already chimed in with their thoughts on these two former world champs going at it. Feel free to share yours.
SkitZ: I love how much faith the company has in Punk. Within the last two years, he's faced every significant name in WWE and shined which makes a potential dream match with Stone Cold Steve Austin @ WM30 not seem so unrealistic. You don't wrestle The Rock, Undertaker & Lesnar on PPV within an 8-month span by accident. The BITW will compensate for the size differential and try to keep the beast off his toes. Vince is paying Brock a HEFTY sum which means Heyman's client usually always brings his A-game.
But holy shit SkitZ thought he sounded nasally... I'm guessing Lesnar sucked in a little too much helium as a kid and it prevented his voice from ever fully maturing during puberty. Either that or some large farm animal sat on his windpipe.
Chrisss: Part of me worries that WWE is blowing through a list of dream matches for Punk because he has plans on retiring sooner than later. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I can't shake that feeling.
Anyone who reads my columns or checked out Fact or Fiction knows exactly who I feel should walk away the winner at SummerSlam. Although, with Lesnar not expected back until Wrestlemania and a rematch with Punk highly unlikely, maybe Punk could pull off a win come Sunday.
SkitZ: Pshhhh better now than never. If Brooks does indeed plan on retiring relatively soon, why not whore him out? Makes sense to me.
Lol @ Heyman praising Brock as if he's been the mastermind behind their attacks on Punk since the beginning. Lesnar is merely a white ape who's trained to follow Paul E.'s instructions. Nothing more nothing less. As for who leaves the Staples Center with bragging rights, it's a coin toss. I envision there being a rematch at HIAC with Punk & Brock splitting the victories.
Chrisss: Coin toss? Nice try. Pick a winner and stand by your choice, coward.
By the way, do you believe Punk vs. Lesnar will end up being Lesnar's best match since his return last year? The one with Cena at Extreme Rules will be tough to beat but the ones with Triple H are easy pickings.
SkitZ: Punk has a habit of excelling in these situations so yes, I'm counting on Mr. Sobriety carrying Brock to his strongest showing since returning 16 months ago. Heyman's facial expressions alone should make this worth the price of admission.
Based on the likelihood of several heel wins this Sunday, I'll say Punk neuters the beast and exacts revenge on his former agent. I'm not stupid enough to believe this feud ends at SummerSlam though. Misinformed and preachy perhaps... but not stupid.
Chrisss: Now that's the spirit! Preach the truth my brother!
Chrisss' pick: Lesnar wins
SkitZ's pick: Punk wins
Chrisss: We're almost at the home stretch. We only have one last match to discuss, one that might be the hardest of them all to predict due to a multitude of factors. SkitZ, I'll give you the honour of putting in the first word.
WWE Championship: John Cena (c.) vs. Daniel Bryan
SkitZ: Not gonna lie, folks... the feud itself had seemed so transparent and unimaginative up until Monday that I actually wished the company had brought the Bella Twins into the fold. Fortunately though, Cena & D-Bry exchanged dueling promos on RAW and managed to sell the entire match in a 20 minute segment. Cena may be many things but the Franchise Player can cut a mean fucking promo when the deck is stacked against him. I was worried for a second that WWE's Poster Boy would leave Bryan in the dust but Goatface fired right back. Management constantly sit on their hands during face versus face programs before pulling something awesome out of their asses at the last pit stop. Old habits die hard, eh?
Chrisss: In this case, they sure do. Bryan vs. Cena definitely got much more interesting this past Monday...especially after Vince, Maddox, and Triple H nearly killed their momentum by inserting HHH as the special ref. Was such a move really necessary? Not at all. It probably means Bryan will win the title due to a bad ref call ala Punk/Cena from two years. I'm just praying history does NOT repeat itself by having Kevin Nash or another has-been show up randomly afterwards and a MitB cash-in closes the show.
SkitZ: Nah the Creative Team have shined the spotlight on Orton and his magical briefcase every Monday since MITB. They've placed too much focus on The Viper for him to cash-in at SummerSlam without it feeling woefully anti-climactic. I wouldn't rule out an appearance or non-wrestling segment this Sunday night but no Age of Orton redo just yet. This WWE Championship showdown is already looking like Clusterfuck City.... why throw another log on the fire?
Chrisss: True that. I would have been perfectly content with Cena and Bryan engaging in a one-on-one affair, and I doubt I'm the only one who thinks that way. What we're left is a dream match that has been tainted, but alas, what can you do?
There are so many different outcomes we could see come to fruition on Sunday but yours truly is hoping Bryan finds a way to win the title and leave the Staples Center with the title. I doubt it will be via submission, which means a screwy finish is all but guaranteed. As long as Cena doesn't walk into RAW as WWE Champion, I have no complaints.
SkitZ: Nor do I. It's just a shame that Vince & Trips have conspired to overshadow the IWC's ideal wet dream brought to life. Shit I'd prefer Maddox over Hunter as special ref. The Game's involvement makes my sphincter tighten; a heel turn for he and D-Bry would be an ill-advised angle in my view. Don't blow the YES Man's meteoric rise with a rushed heel turn. The company would be wise to follow the straight and narrow for longer than three weeks. Continuity isn't boring.... it's a necessary evil, fuckers!
Chrisss: I couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I could have, but that's not the point. I saw someone propose the idea of Orton trying to cash in only to be stopped by a third (or fourth) party, which could very well happen. In fact, that's my prediction - D-Bry wins the title, no cash-in afterwards.
SkitZ: Yeah I'm on board with you. If these rumors regarding Cena's elbow are legitimate, then it just re-enforces the likelihood of WWE choosing Bryan to go over. I'd get that arm checked out before it falls off (I can't imagine the inconvenience of trying to caress Nikki's implants with one hand). Lets us pray that the McMahon/H/Maddox drama doesn't hamper the match quality too severely. I'll be pissed.
If the wrestling Gods are listening, please just allow this bad boy to run at least 20 minutes without any disruptions or interference. Keep Trips impartial and hell... I'd rather Vince is sitting in a skybox watching from overhead while Brad brings him oarderves. Anything to stop those two cunt farts from destroying an otherwise awesome environment. Orton can join them in the luxury seating.
Chrisss: Well that would be swell, except Wade Barrett probably wouldn't appreciate people crowding up his skybox. I'd be surprised if Cena ends up taking time off after SummerSlam - nasty elbow and all - but one can only hope he does take a much-needed break.
Chrisss' pick: Bryan wins the title
SkitZ's pick: Bryan wins the title
Well, that's Sunday's card in a nutshell. Any last words, partner? Go ahead, say something stupid.
SkitZ: The axe soon forgets but the tree always remembers.
But in all seriousness, show your support and buy this PPV. The company is teasing change and its our responsibility as fans to convince WWE management that it's the correct move. Scrounge up all the crinkled bills and loose change you can and put it towards ordering SummerSlam. And being broke is a sorry fucking excuse. That's what your family and friends are for. And if you've burned bridges with every one of those people, mug somebody. Simple solutions (I've got a million of 'em).
Chrisss: ^ What he said.
Make sure you tune into LoPRadio this Wednesday night at 6pm EST as The Doc and myself shall talk about...stuff. Tune in, it'll be fun!
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As always, thanks for reading.