Taste My Centsss - Chrisss & Skitz Predict The Royal Rumble
By Super Chrisss
Jan 24, 2013 - 7:37:00 PM
Skitz: Ohhhhhhh so I'm allowed the privilege of actually starting the column for once? It's about time you showed some fucking generosity and stopped hogging the spotlight.
Chrisss: What can I say? I'm a Super nice guy! Hell, you should be happy I agreed to put up with your banter for the second week in a row. Count your blessings, you ungrateful whiner.
Skitz: Aw shucks... I figured we were starting a pattern of posting collaborations on a weekly basis? The honeymoon's over that fast apparently.
Chrisss: Hey, it lasted longer than your first time. ZING!
Crappy Cena jokes aside, we have a job to do. This Sunday is my favourite Pay-Per-View of the year, the Royal Rumble! For the first time in quite a while, the undercard is almost as appealing as the 30-man match (thank you, Rock vs. Punk). But before we get ahead of ourselves, let's talk about the Royal Rumble "dark match" if you will...
United States Championship: Antonio Cesaro (c.) vs. The Miz
Skitz: WWE's announcement of the pre-show bout kinda surprised me. Obviously, there's a feud brewing there. But why book two upper midcarders who are competing in the Rumble match itself for a singles contest rather than relegating said duties to a random pair of jobbers? I understand the need to amp the crowd and set the tempo but c'mon now... give that spot to a few fan favorites who aren't likely scheduled for action in the 30-man melee.
Chrisss: On one hand, I agree with you. Cesaro vs. Miz is more than worthy of the actual PPV, but when was the last time the pre-show has been worth checking out? Was there even a TLC pre-show? It's possible WWE wants to get the ratings/views back up to please their YouTube partners or improve their social media score or whatever. If that's the case, then it makes sense for these two to wrestle the pre-show, especially since they'll be in the Rumble match, anyway. Maybe WWE are scared of Miz botching the Figure Four on what could be a HUGE PPV?
Skitz: Yeah, well, Mizanin's entire career is a botch. I can't stand that uninteresting bastard. Fortunately, there's no concern regarding the former MTV star leaving Phoenix with the United States Title. Not only is Miz past that stage of his career but I honestly can't picture the Swiss dropping the belt until post-WM29. While some may attack his verbal skills, Cesaro is on a roll. Putting that stud in SmackDown's Elimination Chamber next month would serve as a just reward.
Chrisss: Save The Miz slander for another place. The IWC may not like him as a face, but he's been getting some above-average crowd reactions lately. Just be patient; maybe he'll win you over.
As for Cesaro, I do agree with you there. The guy has been on fire these past few months and taking the title off him on Sunday (during the pre-show, no less) is stupid. Miz poses a greater threat to the title than R-Truth and The Great Khali did, but the Swiss-American sure as hell won't be entering the Rumble without gold around his waist.
Skitz: Agreed. Mizanin could exit with gold if the company had bigger plans in store for Antonio come 'Mania but even that's a long shot. Despite what his week-to-week progression suggests, Cesaro's not quite there yet. The Miz will challenge the reigning champ physically and collect a few nearfalls but it's nothing I'm gonna be depressed about missing. This pre-PPV affair should be standard business. Me thinks the balding foreigner wins convincingly on Sunday night.
Chrisss: I'm thinking we might get Cesaro defending the U.S. title on April 7th against a soon-to-return Jack Swagger. After all, Cesaro has been parading around with a U.S. flag and claiming to be an American. Who better to put him in his place than a repackaged, babyfaced, All-American American? It just makes sense. But no matter what, there's little doubt Cesaro retains against Miz come Sunday.
Chrisss' pick: Cesaro retains the title
Skitz' pick: Cesaro retains the title
WWE Tag Team Championship: Team Hell No (c.) vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
Chrisss: Well, these two teams have been feuding for quite a while now. This will be the evil duo's third - if I'm not mistaken - shot at the titles, and they're bound to dethrone the Anger Management graduates, aren't they? In my opinion, there's no better team for Kane and Bryan to drop the straps to than Rhodes and Sandow.
Skitz: LOL @ Swags being featured on the card at WM29. What a jokester.
As for Kane & D-Bry, my initial gut instinct told me to grab some Tums. The second bowel movement that occurred however tipped the scales in Cody & Damien's favor. Momentum-wise, Team Hell No seemed unstoppable for months but they've pretty much exhausted all options in the somewhat improved tag team division. If DB and the Big Red Machine are slated to go their separate ways in the near future, the Rumble is where you plant the seeds for an eventual split. Kane's next feud is anyone's guess but management has settled with the YES Man for long enough. Based on the American Bandwagon's body of work prior to the formation of Anger Management, he deserves better. Much better in fact.
Chrisss: Any chance of Bryan entering the Royal Rumble and winning? I would LOVE to see Bryan face The Rock for the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania. It would be the ultimate form of thank-you after getting snubbed at the last two Wrestlemanias and becoming one of the most over stars on the entire roster despite losing most of his matches and competing in a tag team for months. Bryan vs. Rock would be a classic.
The way I see it, Team Hell No will drop the titles at the Rumble so Sandow and Rhodes can defend - and put over - a less established face team at Wrestlemania (The Usos? Kidd & Gabriel?) and they too will go their separate ways come Extreme Rules. If Team Rhodes Scholars don't win the belts on Sunday, they might never get a run with them.
Skitz: Wait a second... the Daniel versus Dwayne thing... You legit formulated that scenario in your head!? Everybody needs to calm down and give that shit a rest. Yes there's history and a revenge factor surrounding the rock bottom which Bryan endured last summer but lets be adults, dude. WWE has a handful of options for Rocky's potential Wrestlemania opponent and the YES Man isn't on that list. I feel like it's pretty fucking obvious at this juncture that Johnson will be busy with either John Cena or CM Punk once April 7th rolls around.
Chrisss: You couldn't leave me with that fantasy in my head, could you? You simply HAD to bring up Cena vs. Rock II, didn't you? Sometimes I really hate you.
Just pick a winner and let's move on. You've hurt my feelings, you big bully.
Skitz: Grow some thicker skin on your nuts then. While the outcome is far from a foregone conclusion, I believe the general consensus leans toward Rhodes Scholars making good on their third attempt and wrestling the straps away from Kane & DB.
I'm gonna throw a curve ball at you though, foreigner. While my money is riding confidently on a Rhodes/Sandow victory, The Candyman sides with Team Hell No retaining if this match opens the show. I can do that, right? There's nothing in the handbook that forbids it.
Chrisss: Yeah, yeah. Trying every trick in the book to cover your ass, are we? Fine, I'll accept that answer, but only because I'm a nice guy, got it?
Chrisss' pick: Team Rhodes Scholars win the titles
Skitz' pick: Team Rhodes Scholars win the titles (but only if they don't curtain-jerk)
Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio (c.) vs. The Big Show
Chrisss: My memory isn't what it used to be, but didn't we see this exact same match-up less than two weeks ago on SmackDown? There are dozens of gimmick matches in professional wrestling, yet they're using the same once twice? Why? I Quit would have been cool. Falls Count Anywhere would have worked. It just screams lazy booking to me.
Skitz: Hey your intolerance is warranted no doubt. But considering we were staring down the barrel of a 1-on-1 encounter, fans worldwide should thank God that management eventually tacked a stipulation onto ADR/Big Show. This contest went from being easily the weakest bout this Sunday to possibly something above average. Believe it or not, TBS can be entertaining in certain capacities. Stips and multi-person clusterfucks are the most reliable ways in which to mask the seven foot giant's weaknesses. Last Man Standing in particular offers us the chance of witnessing nice spots while also giving Big Show ample seconds to recover or catch his breath. If anything, it's clever booking on WWE's behalf. Giving the same exact thing away for free weeks earlier? Not so much.
Chrisss: To be fair, I did enjoy their title match from SmackDown a few weeks back, as it allowed for Show's style of walking around, yelling, and stalling play to his advantage. The only problem is that Show dominated most of that bout and I have a bad feeling history will repeat itself come Sunday. However, I am relieved we're not getting Show/Sheamus V, so I can't complain too much. Del Rio is basically a lock to retain, but I don't know if the Latino will be as fortunate once the Elimination Chamber rolls around...
Skitz: Bastard! You stole my sentence. I'm also skeptical about the Mexican Aristocrat surviving the following PPV with his title reign intact. Not that ADR entering 'Mania with gold would necessarily shock me. There's just still too much time remaining for Del Rio to fail and become another transitional champion (Hi Edge!). It's certainly an interesting experiment; one which I expect to extend far past the Royal Rumble. Not to mention it'd make zero sense for ADR to capture the World Title at the beginning of January and drop it before month's end (Hi Edge!). Although the Road to Wrestlemania is especially demanding, Dorito's at least bought himself until mid February.
Chrisss: I can't disagree with any of that. By the way, what do you think of face Del Rio? Even I have to admit he's come a lot further than Miz as a face in a shorter amount of time, which is either a good thing for the man of destiny, or bad news for The Awesome One. But hey, as long as the title is far, FAR away from The Big Show - and it better stay that way - I'm a happy Canadian.
Chrisss' pick: Del Rio retains the title
Skitz' pick: Del Rio retains the title
WWE Championship: CM Punk (c.) vs. The Rock
Skitz: Pffffffffft. Babyface Miz is like a lady friend who claims that having sex while she's on her period actually isn't a bad experience - NOT CONVINCING WHATSOEVER. And on a brighter note, I'm pleased with ADR in his current role as are most fans. I never anticipated WWE audiences warming up to the dude so quickly; let alone willingly cheering for Dorito. Perhaps Ricardo deserves more props for the smooth transition.
Before one of us starts rambling about something insignificant, allow me to revisit arguably the IWC's biggest gripe throughout '12. We're both familiar with the frustration surrounding CM Punk's lack of main eventing PPV's despite being WWE Champion and Cena continuously receiving top billing. Do folks even realize how said pattern could repeat this Sunday at the Rumble? Yes Punk/Rock has been the focal point of the January classic since RAW 1000 but if you're a betting man, who's the favorite to win the 30-man melee in 2013? Mr. Sobriety can find a way to defeat Johnson, steal the show in the process and it will STILL be Cenation closing the event by punching his ticket to Wrestlemania. Chrissstopher... Imagine the uproar!
Chrisss: I can do better than that. What if Punk loses the title on Sunday? I know a lot of people are predicting he will retain the gold, but from a business perspective it makes sense for Dwayne to become WWE Champion. I may not like it, you might not like it, Punk certainly won't like it, but I can see it happening. I'm more anxious to see the actual match than cry about the outcome, to be honest with you.
Skitz: Same. Similar to H/Orton back at WMXXV, the storyline basically dictates that Rock must win on Sunday. Not by disqualification. Not by countout. And certainly not by submission with his awful excuse of a sharpshooter. But by pinfall in the middle of the ring. Now smart marks will whine about Johnson returning, working three shows and then being handed the WWE Championship by Vince. As long as young Phillip is gifted a high profile bout at 'Mania however, I'm perfectly content with him losing. It's smart business and those who cringe at the mental image only need to suffer until early April. Rocky will drop the belt in Jersey, bid "the people" farewell and then disappear for nine months. Minimal harm done.
Chrisss: Which sets up Bryan vs. Rock perfectly! Awesome!
To tell you the truth, I'm a huge Punk fan, but even I have to admit his reign as champion has run it's course. The dude has been WWE Champion for over a year. No matter which way you look at it, it's insane. Punk can lose on Sunday and still be a main-eventer the next night on RAW. I would prefer be remained champion until Elimination Chamber, but he deserves to drop the title in a one-on-one match, not some multi-man BS. And there's no shame in losing to The Rock. I just hope creative finally gives Punk the Wrestlemania match he's long overdue.
Chrisss' pick: Rock wins the title
Skitz' pick: Rock wins the title
30 Man Royal Runble Match
Chrisss: I find it funny how last year, Orton and Sheamus were the two popular picks to win the Rumble. Fast forward one year, and nothing has changed, except for Cena being a strong contender as well. Any chance of a swerve this Sunday, partner?
Skitz: Yours truly can't even properly put into words how badly I'm dreading Sheamus/Orton ala WM29. These circulating rumors are gonna horrify me into a coma. I mean can't they just team together and challenge the Shield instead!? Sweet Jesus. For awhile there, I'd pinned my Rumble predictions on Cena or Ryback outlasting the other 29 shmucks but then logic kicked me in the forehead. Reigns, Ambrose & Rollins are gonna hit the ring and eliminate Skippers (since his business with them isn't even close to finished). Therefore, Ryberg is dropped from the conversation. Now if you remove WWE's Poster Boy from the equation, declaring a winner gets fucking difficult.
Chrisss: I dread the thought of Cena/Rock II and/or Ryback/Big Show far more than Orton vs. Sheamus. Their 2010 feud was crap, but their SmackDown match a few months was quite entertaining. Heel Orton vs. Face Sheamus would have more chemistry than Face Orton vs. Face or Heel Sheamus, trust me. Learn to keep an open mind, will you?
I am intrigued that Ziggler will be kicking off the Rumble. I see him putting on a lengthy performance that gets him to the final four. I just hope he isn't eliminated by Cena of all people. That would suck monkey balls.
Skitz: Well don't fret. Ziggler's more likely to bounce Cena than vice versa as the format favors the villain (and revenge is a motherfucker). But yes it does appear that management are preparing Dolph to stick around for the duration. I don't suspect he'll win though. So given all the Orton/Sheamus chatter going on, does that mean you believe one or the other stands a chance at winning?
Chrisss: Sadly, I do. Cena will probably become number one contender at next month's Chamber PPV, Ryback will either face Big Show or Shield at Wrestlemania, and I don't think WWE will give Orton another Rumble victory now that he's one strike away from being terminated. By process of elimination, I must unfortunately pick Sheamus as the winner, with Daniel Bryan as my dark horse. Still, it's better than a Cena victory (but not by much).
Skitz: Are you shitting me? The ginger winning back-to-back years!? Personally, I'd opt for The Viper over Sheamus any day of the week. But my odd-on favorite is Cena (surprise surprise!) so you can toss both of them back in the pile. Johnny Boy is the undisputed face of the company and he's sitting there with only uno Rumble wins to his name? That's simply not impressive enough by WWE's standards. Such a big deal has been made about Cena's "terrible 2012" that I've basically coerced myself into assuming he'll be the last man standing this Sunday, advance to WM29 and become WWE Champion for the umpteenth time.
Chrisss' pick: Sheamus wins the Rumble
Skitz' pick: Cena wins the Rumble
Chrisss: I guess at the end of the day it all comes down to who has a bigger hard-on: Vince for Cena or Triple H for Sheamus. Either way, I doubt the IWC will be too pleased by the end of the night, what with Rock possibly becoming champion and another superhero winning the Rumble yet again. This year's Wrestlemania season definitely seems catered for the marks, not us critical and impossible-to-please bastards. Oh, well. You win some, you lose some. Will the Candyman be watching the Royal Rumble legally or illegally this year?
Skitz: Legally for sure. It's gotten to the point where, except for rare circumstances, the Rumble & 'Mania are the only wrestling pay per views which I'll waste my hard earned dollars on every year. I treat the event like a secondary Super Bowl in my house, bitch. What say you?
Chrisss: How mature of you. I'm shocked. I hate to admit it, but I'll be mooching off a friend this year. It's only fair considering I've been hosting PPVs since I was a John Cena fan. Man, those were the days.
Well, I've had just about enough of you. Any last words, fallen Main Pager?
Skitz: Just that we need to keep track of our respective win/loss records in '13. Specifically so I can gloat nonstop when you hand me my trophy come December.
Chrisss: You beat me? Don't make me laugh. I accept your challenge, but don't be surprised if I look for a new partner come 2014 once I own you with my amazing intuition. Be careful what you ask for, son.
Skitz: The only thing amazing is how you've been a mediocre columnist this whole time and somehow remained relevant. I'm leaving.
Which match are you most looking forward to on Sunday? Punk vs. Rock? Or the Royal Rumble match?
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