Taste My Centsss - Money in the Bank Predictions (featuring SkitZ)
By Super Chrisss & SkitZ
Jul 12, 2013 - 9:45:58 AM
(Credit: Tom Jenner @ImageBlownOut)
Chrisss: 30.0 Skitz: 29.0
Chrisss: Ugh, not you again. Don't tell me it's time to predict another Pay-Per-View already! Dealing with you on a monthly basis is way too much stress. I think I'll see if Dannokaboom is willing to collab with a less-perverted Main Page columnist such as myself.
SkitZ: Well I'll warn you... he doesn't come cheap. By the way, where's the warm reception I'm accustomed to getting from you? And what happened to adoring your role model?
Chrisss: Prostitutes aren't cheap either, so what's your point? How about you fake a smile and do your job by helping me run down the Money in the Bank card? As a matter of fact, I'll be so nice as to give you first dibs:
Kickoff match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins (c.) vs. The Usos
SkitZ: At this rate, The Shield will be sharing their thoughts on the SummerSlam post-show panel discussion along with Mick Foley & Josh Matthews. While some folks would beg to differ, I felt like the young trio were still running steady until Payback came and went. Not only have Ambrose, Rollins & Reigns hit the proverbial brick wall but turns out the wall is five bricks thick. Going from a pay per view title defense against Orton & Bryan to The Uso's is like trading in a Bentley for a beater.
Chrisss: Not only that, they're not even on the actual Pay-Per-View, but the pre-show. So if fans were interested in buying Money in the Bank to see The Shield action, too bad, only Ambrose will be in action as the other two have been regulated to YouTube. What a moronic decision by someone in power. Sheamus vs. Sandow was the wrong match to get kicked off Payback (ahhhh, now I get why they call it "Kickoff"), and so is this one. The Shield vs. The Usos would have been an excellent follow-up/cool down to either MitB ladder match.
SkitZ: Clearly, Vince gave the few capable writers on the Creative Team the summer off because the attention to detail towards the Hounds of Justice has fuckin' tanked. How often do the the trio cut joint promos anymore? What happened to dominant victories? Who, from a managerial standpoint, is looking out for The Shield?
Chrisss: That's an excellent point. Most people thought Reigns & Rollins winning the tag titles as well as Ambrose capturing U.S. gold would breathe new life into each division, but it appears not even The Shield can break the curse of modern-day midcard gold. Once you become a non-world champion, your booking goes down the shitter. The Shield went months - MONTHS - without being pinned or submitting, to losing two matches since the week before Payback. Who's booking this crap???
SkitZ: As well as losing another six-man tag to Christian, Jimmy & Jey on a recent episode of SmackDown. For the sake of building an underdog tandem some credibility heading into a PPV bout, its kind of a necessary evil. But considering the trio were used to toppling everybody not so long ago, it's impossible not to view it as a drop in performance. Since becoming #1 contenders for the straps, the company's thrown The Uso's a bone or two but nothing to suggest Rikishi's stinkfodder can upend Rollins & Reigns.
Chrisss: Everyone knows The Shield will retain in Philly. I'm just hoping WWE doesn't push The Usos to the side and book them on Superstars until they need the brothers to put over another tag team six months from now. I would love to see The Usos become regulars on TV and built up as a credible team that could one day become tag champs. That day, however, will not be Sunday.
SkitZ: Yeah unless The Wild Samoans join Vince's booking committee by Sunday afternoon, Jimmy & Jey would be wise to bask in their shortened fame (all 8-12 minutes of it). What mission do The Shield seek out next though? They just beat Tons of Funk decisively on RAW and the other tag teams in realistic contention are predominantly heels.
Maybe have them go over The Usos dirty, thus triggering a rematch at SummerSlam? Maybe even a three-way with The Wyatt family involved as well? Bope, your guess is as good as mine.
Chrisss' pick: The Shield retain the titles
SkitZ' pick: The Shield retain the titles
Intercontinental Championship: Curtis Axel (c.) vs. The Miz
Chrisss: Is it just me, or does it feel like The Miz has been in contention for the IC title almost as long as Alberto del Rio has been wrestling for the world title? Poor Mizanin. When the writers do remember to book him for a show, it's in some random MizTV segment or as part of the IC title picture. As for Axel, I'm still not sold on the guy. I just don't get the hype.
SkitZ: Eh I bashed on Hennig's verbal abilities enough in my latest column. But as a complete package, we're in complete agreement - Axle can't cut the mustard. Then there's Miz standing idly by. It's practically unheard of in the WWE but shit... Sir Awesome's been trying to wrestle the U.S & IC Title away from various titleholders since New Year's (and that pattern doesn't appear to be changing any time in the near future).
Imagine Mazinin's stat line for '13 come Christmas... 1-59 competing for midcard championships; his lone victory and subsequent reign lasting all but 24 hours. Still unsure why management booked Miztameanor to capture gold at WM29 and hand it right back on RAW the following night. Gotta protect his undefeated streak at 'Mania I guess. Be forewarned, Taker!
Chrisss: I'm telling you, five years from now, when 'Taker has sailed off into the sunset with his Wrestlemania streak intact, they're going to turn The Miz into the next "phenom". You heard it here first, folks.
Even if you're not a Mizfit, you've got to feel bad for the guy. How his career has downspiraled since retaining the WWE Championship against Cena at Wrestlemania. But hey, at least he gets to go home to Maryse, the lucky bastard.
Are we seeing another heel victory on Sunday? Or can Miz pull off what can be arguably described as an upset?
SkitZ: Whether McGullicutty ultimately sinks or swims, I expect the front office to run with him for a decent stretch; possibly as far as NOC if Heyman can teach the imperfect prodigy a couple valuable lessons in the meantime. My money's on Alxe eeking out a 'W' thanks to his agent's assistance. Miz can eat another loss and hey who knows? With all those precious minutes Mizanin spends at the commentator's booth on a weekly basis, perhaps JBL can give the dude some pointers on how to be somewhat entertaining.
Chrisss: It seems more like Miz has been taking pointers from Lawler on how to be a crappy babyface who makes terrible jokes. But I digress. I would prefer to see Miz win the title on Sunday because I'm not feeling Axel's character at all, but I know that's most likely not going to happen. Jericho's victory over Axel Monday night was to end his "undefeated streak" and to make it look like Miz has a chance at MitB. But alas, I see the Axel experiment continuing, like it or not. Speaking of Y2J...
Chrisss' pick: Axel retains the title
SkitZ' pick: Axel retains the title
Chris Jericho vs. Ryback
SkitZ: Oh, you mean the textbook definition of a "thrown-together" feud? We're talking absolute non-existence. For starters, have Y2J and Ryberg interacted whatsoever since bumping into each other two weeks ago backstage on RAW? Why book Kane for the All-Stars MITB ladder match and then leave The Big Red Monster's participation in question days prior instead of simply giving Jericho or Shefzilla his spot?
Chrisss: At first, I thought that was the direction they were headed in. Considering Jericho and Ryback had ZERO interaction on the go-home RAW prior to their "big" match, I assumed creative had cancelled the match and would just slot both men in either of the two ladder matches. But, apparently, that's not the plan. Can Ryback finally get a PPV win? Or will his credentials continue to be buried and stomped on?
SkitZ: Relegating Ryberg to a singles bout against Y2J, rather than handing him a spot in either ladder bout, could be a sign that WWE realizes nobody has faith in Skipper retrieving a briefcase given his awful track record. But at the expense of clumping together two has-been's for a match with literally no heat? I haven't the slightest fucking clue what the writers are doing with Ryback but it's Holocaust levels of bad.
Chrisss: True that. According to the rumours, Ryback is expected to go over Jericho on Sunday and Vickie Guerrero will eventually be revealed as his new mouthpiece/valet, which is hard for me to even type. But regardless, I can't see Jericho getting the win on Sunday. For starters, Ryback is sorely due a win on PPV (then again, so is Jericho, unless you count Extreme Rules). Also, isn't Jericho supposed to be taking more time off after Sunday? It wouldn't surprise me if they write him off TV for the 20 millionth time after falling to Ryback.
SkitZ: Indeed. I wouldn't put it past the Guerrantula to serve as a distraction at MITB and help Shefzilla steal a sorely needed victory. Ryberg craves a pay per view victory like jizz craves the smooth skin of a woman's cheek. And furthermore, Y2J is behind schedule with his latest Fozzy tour so why would another job bother him?
As long as the money's green, Jericho is game for anything. Talk show segments, dance-off's, triple threats, circle jerks, Canadian triathlons, Yahtzee, Chutes & Ladders, you name it.
Chrisss: Jericho does love jobbing. Sometimes I feel like he loses a bit too much for no good reason, but what do I know? Let's chalk up an overdue victory for Ryback and move on!
Chrisss' pick: Ryback wins
SkitZ' pick: Ryback wins
WWE Divas Championship: Aj Lee (c.) vs. Kaitlyn
For the second PPV in a row, the story surrounding the divas title match is one of the most appealing on the card, at least for me. Aj has done a great job at playing the bitch and getting inside Kaitlyn's head, and Seth Rollins' sister - to her credit - has done well keeping up with the wackjob and keeping this feud interesting.
SkitZ: Ironically, Vince & Co. have centered more focus around AJ/Kaitlyn than 80% of the stuff on WWE television right now after mostly voiding the Women's Division of any solid storytelling for the past couple years. I'm sure it has nothing to do whatsoever with AJ's overness and involvement... Jokes. Regardless, I've enjoyed this fiery side of Kaitlyn; she's responded admirably to Lee's prank texts, crude jokes and fat suit impersonations.
Chrisss: I agree, partner. I still don't see why Layla is suddenly Kaitlyn's BFF now. She has served no purpose in taking this angle to the next level other than hold angry Kaitlyn back and tag with her on Monday in a three-minute match. I would have preferred for the entire focus to be on Aj and Kaitlyn but it is what it is. The question is, does this rivalry end Sunday or do you see the catfight continuing until SummerSlam?
SkitZ: Part of me is still bummed that I missed their epic at Payback (caught an illegal stream, missed the opening hour of the PPV, yada yada). Considering how well-received AJ & Kaitlyn's initial encounter was across the board, a blowoff match seems imminent. As for Layla offering the former champeen some support, management loves to pretend as if all of their Divas are in cliques and slumber party on the regular. Plus, Kaitlyn needs a body to counteract Big E's presence and physical influence.
You caught me with this prediction last month when I chose Lee to win via disqualification. Call me foolish but this go-around, I'm sticking to basically the same motif - Kaitlyn's erratic behavior triggers a DQ finish and thus keeps the gold around AJ's sexy little waist.
Chrisss: I got lucky - my stream went to shit right after Kaitlyn vs. Aj. I'm not taking any chances this Sunday and so I will be doing things the "right way", if you will. If you're sticking with your Payback prediction, then I'll stay with mine. Aj for the pinfall or submission title defense.
Chrisss' pick: Aj retains the title
SkitZ' pick: Aj retains the title
Money in the Bank Ladder match for the World Heavyweight Championship briefcase: Dean Ambrose vs. Jack Swagger vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. Wade Barrett vs. Fandango vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Damien Sandow
Chrisss: Jesus, where do I begin? As I mentioned on my radio show (cheap plug), I could see this briefcase going to three different men. And guess what? Those names do not include Fandango-away, Weed The People, or the current U.S. Champion. I would be perfectly content with any of the remaining four leaving Philly with that blue briefcase.
SkitZ: If WWE's opting for the element of surprise, either member of Rhodes Scholars would suffice. As I've seen mentioned in a handful of columns already, Sandow could thrive on SmackDown under these type of circumstances. Damien is a natural on the stick and covers all the necessary bases inside the ring. And, love him to death, but Cody's going nowhere fast with that pedo-stache. If Rhodes didn't capture the blue briefcase last July while the iron was hot, I doubt he ever will.
Chrisss: See, your argument is sound but if one member of Rhodes Scholars retrieves the case, surely the losing partner would turn on the other out of jealousy, wouldn't he? I just can't picture Sandow as a babyface - impossible. It would make sense for Rhodes to win the briefcase and Sandow to turn on him, which would subsequently turn the mustache-man babyface.
That being said, I just don't feel confident picking Rhodes. Who's your money on?
SkitZ: f company officials weren't so tough on his personality woes, I wouldn't mind seeing Cesaro shock some people. Antonio appears destined for a League of Nations type stable with Zeb & Swags (unlucky draw for the Swiss-man if you ask me). Apparently, management's come down to Earth with the Fandango project and realize he's a joke. And while Barrett clocked him on RAW to end Curtis' antics, Wade's in no better position to compete for the World Championship. We've blabbed about The Shield's daunting descent which rules out Ambrose so I'm picking Damien to become the next briefcase bearer.
What are we referring to this MITB ladder match as by the way? If RAW's version is the All-Stars, does that make SmackDown's the Rookies & Rejects?
Chrisss: Lol, they're supposed to be "future stars". Which again makes me question why the fuck Swagger is in the match.
Just for the sake of being different, I'm picking Barrett. I know he's been booked like shit lately, but so has everyone he's competing against. Besides, if Barrett DOESN'T win the briefcase, I can see him fading into obscurity faster than you can say "yes!".
Chrisss' pick: Barrett wins MitB
SkitZ' pick: Sandow wins MitB
World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto del Rio (c.) vs. Dolph Ziggler
SkitZ: The IWC cracks on Cena's domino run of pay per view title matches for sport but what about ADR? If my math is correct, Dorito's competed for gold on PPV seventeen motherfucking times out of somewhere between 25-28 appearances. Clearly, Vinnie Mac's sippin' the tequila (or whatever Del Rio's pouring). Dolph & Alberto click between the ropes and I'm confident they'll pack some added OOMPH into this bad boy for the Philly faithful. Now that the shoe's on the other foot so to speak, should Zigs anticipate the same pro reactions from the smarkier venues?
Chrisss: I think he will. Keep in mind they'll be in Philly this Sunday. While they may not be as loud or vocal as Chicago, those fans are definitely going to be rooting for Ziggler, especially since no one likes heel Del Rio. And don't get me started on Del Rio's PPV record. It is complete and utter bullshit. Even Sheamus doesn't boast as impressive a resume as Del Rio when it comes to world title matches. Either Vince has gone insane, is drugged, or we're missing something here.
Like Hustle said a while back, it feels like these two have been feuding for years (and he said that a month ago). I really hope they go their separate ways once Money in the Bank is said and done.
SkitZ: Considering Dolph just dropped the belt last month and turned face in the process, odds are the writers drag this shit out until August or perhaps even September. If these swirling news reports of Ziggler facing Langston at S/Slam are accurate, then we should be in the clear. But then you've gotta take the good with the bad. Both ADR & Nemeth head in opposite directions creatively which is probably wise for business. If Dorito retains however, we're saddled with him as champ for an undetermined amount of time. If that's the case, gouge my eyes out now and save me the trouble.
Chrisss: Only if you do the same for me (#pause?). It seems like since D-Bryan dropped the belt at last year's Wrestlemania, we've been stuck with boring/uninteresting world champions (Sheamus, Big Show, ADR). If Del Rio does retain on Sunday, who's next in line? Sheamus? Orton? Been there, done that, no thank you. Therefore, I have a feeling you're right, Del Rio will keep his title at MitB, but his program with Ziggler will extend until at least SummerSlam.
SkitZ: Mmmm how positively dreadful. First off however, there's the manner in which this installment of Dolph/ADR concludes. I can normally sniff a dirty finish from a mile away and this is hot wings/burning spats type foulness. How about some miscommunication on AJ's part and she accidentally costs Zigglesworth the title? Then that segues perfectly into The Showoff confronting Lee on RAW the next night and Big E ass raping Dolph from behind; setting the wheels in motion for their supposed program.
Chrisss: Yeah, I can totally see that happening. I'm not sure which match I would rather see less - Del Rio vs. Ziggler AGAIN or Ziggler vs. Big E at SummerSlam. I just don't think Big E is ready for that kind of big-time match, especially at a PPV like SS. But no matter what, as much as I would love to see it, I just can't picture Ziggler leaving Philly as a three-time world champion.
SkitZ: Nor do I. Talking about ADR kills my literary buzz though so lets keep it moving. Alberto is a massive bowl of queso dip that's missing the proper ingredients.
Chrisss' pick: Del Rio retains the title
SkitZ' pick: Del Rio retains the title
Money in the Bank Ladder Match for the WWE Championship briefcase: CM Punk vs. Sheamus vs. Christian vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Rob van Dam vs. Randy Orton
Chrisss: First off, WWE is reporting Kane will not be able to compete on Sunday. Since he can't, I fully expect Brock Lesnar to take his spot in the match. Or, I expect Lesnar to show up towards the end and screw Punk out of winning the briefcase. In any case, Punk won't be victorious on Sunday, and neither will Sheamus, Christian, or RVD.
I know Daniel Bryan is everyone's favourite to win it, but I have a sneaky feeling Orton might win on Sunday. Why? Because Orton hasn't been world champion in ages, and winning MitB and cashing it on a face (Cena, Punk, Bryan) would give us the Orton heel turn we've all been waiting for.
SkitZ: Seriously? After submitting to the YES lock like a bitch, you honestly believe Randy could become the next Mr. MITB? Highly doubtful. And while the probability of Brock officially competing in the clusterfuck is slim, I agree that Lesnar will enter the fray when Punk's posed to win and leave him a crumpled mess. Mr. Sobriety's been in limbo since receiving an F5 and some storyline progression is due (even if Brock's limited schedule makes such the world's greatest puzzle).
Chrisss: I know, I know. I must be crazy for picking anyone other than Bryan to win the briefcase. But in all honestly, I don't want Bryan's second world title reign to come via MitB cash-in. I'd rather he win a number one contender's match or straight-out challenge Cena to a match at SummerSlam. Besides, giving Orton MitB would be WWE's way of cheering him up after his divorce last month AND make his on-screen character slightly interesting. Maybe?
You're going with Bryan, aren't you?
SkitZ: Duh. Choosing a winner in these chaotic environments always boils down to order of elimination. Yeah Goatface seems like too clearcut of a winner but we've seen this movie before. I prefer the current MITB format where one briefcase holder is obvious while the other's a huge mystery. It makes for a nice dynamic. And you shouldn't worry about the style in which D-Bry cashes in against Cena. With Bryan preaching gospel about not being the weakest link and overcoming expectations, the YES Man will announce his cash-in beforehand. WWE needs an opponent for Cena to promote and sell SummerSlam, right?
Chrisss: True, true. I'm likely digging my own grave with these "wildcard" picks, but fuck it. I don't mind being wrong as long as I've explored every possible angle. I'll even permit you to laugh in my face as much as you want come Monday morning. But first, we have one final piece of business to attend to...
Chrisss' pick: Orton wins MitB
SkitZ' pick: Bryan wins MitB
WWE Championship: John Cena vs. Mark Henry
SkitZ: THAT'S WHAT I DO! <--- SkidMark could simply mutter those four words each week and send the crowd into a frenzy. But instead, Henry's saunters around dropping awesome promos on the company's top faces with startling regularity. Henry's in-ring work leaves something to be desired but for a squat monster, the WSM fits the bill. It'd take a Pennsylvania-sized miracle to land SkidMark the title but he's done a tremendous job of portraying the unstoppable brute and liquidating Cena's stretch of staleness.
Chrisss: Ditto. I think the company tried for a "running out of time" angle like they did with Punk two years ago, and although it hasn't had the same effect, I'm still intrigued for their match-up on Sunday. If it weren't for those irresistible Bryan vs. Cena rumours, I would be 100% in support of Henry winning his first WWE Championship at Cena's expense.
SkitZ: Pfffffft let's not get carried away. Cena's evil rule over the WWE landscape leads to more suicide attempts than the wishes he grants but I'd much rather prefer watching him headline every PPV than Henry.
Chrisss: Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing Sexual Chocolate have one last run at the top. Dude certainly deserves it after revitalizing his career the last few years. Needless to say, a Cena victory is all but guaranteed. I'm just curious whether the MitB all-stars can nudge Cena out of the main-event.
SkitZ: Hopefully so. As well-executed as Cena/Henry's been throughout the last four weeks, I foresee a slow stallworth-esque pace from them since it's a standard match. Give WWE's Poster Boy & the WSM 12-15 minutes and slate it below the All Stars melee.
Chrisss: It's only fitting, considering how Cena's MitB match main-evented last year over Bryan and Punk's title match the year before. Sign me up!
Chrisss' pick: Cena retins the title
SkitZ' pick: Cena retains the title
Chrisss: Are we done here? I've got places to be, girls to meet - you know what it is!
SkitZ: By girls, I'm assuming you mean gangly, Canadian housewives. And by places, I'm guessing your whack shack. Unlike the couple thousand people who'll read this column however, I won't judge you.
Chrisss: Go suck on a candycane.
How about you, faithful reader? Will you be tuning into Money in the bank this Sunday? If you're doing it the right way and purchasing the PPV, will you also be laying down money for SummerSlam if we get a rumoured card of Punk/Lesnar, Cena/Bryan, and both the Wyatts AND the Shield in action?
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