Taste My Centsss - Extreme Rules Predictions with Chrisss & Skitz
By Super Chrisss
May 17, 2013 - 3:37:01 PM
(Credit: Tom Jenner @ImageBlownOut)
Chrisss: 15.0 Skitz: 16.0
Skitz: Pardon my curiosity, but did McDonald's pay you decently as a manager? Because it's fucking ridiculous how often I spot their employees walking to work. Not a sufficient enough salary to own (or at least borrow) a vehicle, eh?
Chrisss: Decently my Canadian ass! I worked there for six years and barely earned more than minimum wage! We work way harder than shmucks with office jobs yet are paid far less than them. Scumbag McDonalds, I tell ya.
But what the hell does my McDonalds brethren have to do with Extreme Rules, anyway? Are you already stoned off your sugarcane, Candyman?
Skitz: I'd appreciate it if you respected my privacy and didn't ask such intrusive questions. There's a reason I inquired about the mother of all fast food chains and the current WWE product is to blame. These past couple months have been especially rough on us fans and while I will view Extreme Rules illegally online, it won't be under the best of circumstances. Coincidentally, Sunday evenings are tpyically pretty dull and I take pleasure in assfucking Vince out of 50 bucks.
Chrisss: Shhh, Skitz, don't talk like that! You're supposed to keep the complaining to a minimum and only diss things the majority of the IWC deems 'acceptable' to dislike (Cena, Ryder, Miz). I thought you knew that by now?
I'm with you, though - RAW has sucked major balls since the post-Mania show, but I'm excited for Extreme Rules. The card is way more intriguing than it's Wrestlemania predecessor, even though Rock, Punk, and 'Taker aren't booked on Sunday, which should tell you something. I just wish the Road to Extreme Rules hadn't been so rocky...
Skitz: Well, I imagine neither of the three faps you mentioned will remain off television for long. Injuries and inconsistent booking have watered down shit worse than usual during the post-Mania lull. Regardless, lets start cracking this scrambled egg before I throttle somebody. Which free floating pair of midcarders has the company relegated to pre-show status?
Chrisss: None other than the king of the pre-show, The Miz, and a man who's mustache has become more popular with the PG audience than the man himself, Sir Cody Rhodes:
Pre-Show Match: The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes
Chrisss: My good man, I'm well aware that WWE hasn't been airing YouTube pre-shows for very long, but if you can think of a more random, out-of-the-blue match than this one, please fill me in. Miz hasn't been on TV since losing the Intercontinental title to Wade Barrett the night after Wrestlemania, and Rhodes is being punished for having a great match with Randy Orton a few weeks back. To sum it all up, what the hell???
Skitz: Well, that's how it works nowadays, dude. Everything works in reverse order. I'm confident you'll get the hang of it sooner rather than later.
Rhodes Scholars are the most divided, semi-sporadic unit I've ever laid my eyes on. ARE CODY & DAMIEN A TEAM OR NOT!?! Jesus fucking Christ the writing team needs to agree on something before heads start exploding in the stands. Meanwhile, Mizanin's recent return opens the door for him to conveniently steamroll Rhodes; more so because Cody's on someone's shit list backstage. Sadly, there's probably an intern in the locker room telling the third generation star how awesome of a villainous jobber he is.
Chrisss: Oh, there's no doubt about who's going over Sunday, that's for sure. Miz has been booked pretty strong since turning face, and Cody has been booked like crap before, during, and after his teaming and re-teaming with Mr. Sandow. I prefer both guys as singles stars anyway, and with The Shield more than likely winning the tag belts on Sunday (spoiler?), there would be little point to the two remaining a unit. Sadly, I expect both members of Rhodes Scholars to continue being fed to the likes of Orton, Sheamus, and Del Rio for at least a few more months.
Skitz: That's precisely why Rhodes & Sandow should endure the shitstorm side-by-side and not venture out alone until better weather arrives. If the duo's completely and utterly fucked on their own, why split when a 2-on-1 advantage is optionable? Utilize some logic, Chrisstopher. Miz on the other hand can massage my genitals with his mouth. Management continues pushing the facially disconcerting doofus for starring in a queeftastic WWE film - bravo. Hunter can't honestly believe Mizanin emulating Naitch is in good taste. Frankly, I find the former MTV star's antics exhausting. WHO SEES POTENTIAL IN THIS CHODE!?
Chrisss: To be fair, how many babyface tag teams are around for Rhodes Scholars to feud with? Tons of Funk - been there, done that. Anyone else? Nope. Unless the duo themselves turn face (which is highly unlikely) I don't see a future for them in a division dominated by The Shield.
As for The Miz, the less said about him the better. I say we move on.
Chrisss' pick: Miz wins
Skitz' pick: Miz wins
Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
Skitz: Ah, another award winning rivalry. Vince's cronies are obviously huge advocates of stop-start feuds as 2013's been dominated with them. I could've sworn the Y2J/Curtis shenanigans were a thing of the past until a week and a half ago. After the losses piled up last year, Jericho must be contractually guaranteed to get even this go around. Anyone else feel as if the constant jobbing is tarnishing the tail end of Y2J's career?
Chrisss: Hell yes! It seems like Jericho has done pretty much nothing but job since he came back at the Royal Rumble last January. I know the man loves putting other guys over, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I know Vince is eager to push Curtis and all this Fandangoing garbage, but it sucks to see it happen at the expense of Chris-Freaking-Jericho. On the bright side, Fanadango-away has dominated most of this feud and even holds a Wrestlemania win over Y2J, which means the right man should win on Sunday (and it's about damn time!).
Skitz: Hopefully. If recent events are any indication, Jericho has greater odds of contracting pneumonia and diabetes at the same Fozzy concert than he does toppling Fandancethenightaway. Nevertheless, I'm feeling optimistic and will therefore bet on a face victory. A word of advice, Y2J: give the shitty tattoos a rest and codebreak someone's face.
Chrisss: Maybe he's really going for that Bon Jovi look? Don't hate a man for his tats; hate him because he taps. Or something along those lines. Whatever.
One last question before we move up the card: regardless of the outcome, do you think this feud ends Sunday? And if it does, where do you see both men heading afterwards?
Skitz: Unmercifully, no. For all we know, the company's topsy-turvy booking committee could have an acapella number in store for us come Payback. Or perhaps even a grueling duet against two members of 3MB. This program should conclude Sunday night but don't count out a rubber match to finalize the series.
Chrisss: I hope you're mistaken. Give Jericho a clean victory and have both men move on. I'm still waiting for that five-star, Jericho vs. Ziggler match...
Chrisss' pick: Jericho wins
Skitz' pick: Jericho wins
Extreme Rules Match: Randy Orton vs. The Big Show
Chrisss: Oh, yay! Another feud that no one cares about that a) should never have happened and b) should have ended weeks ago. Let's be honest - what chance does Big Show have of winning this match? I never foresaw his world title reign late last year, and I was astounded that it went on for as long as it did. I've been hearing people insist for months that Orton is on the brisk of turning heel, but I think Orton will be moving on to face a heel world champion Dolph Ziggler sooner rather than later.
Skitz: Ugh, cringeworthy. Pairing these two together on multiple occasions sounds like trouble (you're practically begging for a botch). I'd much rather prefer the recent TBS & SkidMark/Orton & Sheamus bout from SmackDown in juxtaposition to separating the four. Why waste minutes and bore the crowd to absurd levels? I'm praying like hell the St. Louis faithful drown Big Slow and Randall in justified boo's.
Chrisss: Ah, but that there is the problem. The only thing saving this bout from being booed out the building is the fact they're in Orton's hometown. Anywhere else and you'd expect a deader crowd than last Monday with Big E and Jack Swagger. I can only presume they're keeping the four men separate because one face will win, and one will lose. Orton wins what will hopefully be a short match (eight minutes tops).
Skitz: Alright, allow me to re-iterate... God willing, the audience blasts TBS with X-Pac heat and sends the giant into hibernation permanently. In a perfect world, the rugged man above would answer my desperate pleas and feed the 500-pounder to extinction. A win for The Viper's likely as TBS still deserves his comeuppance for betraying Orton at WM29. Keep it relatively simple for fear of a sloppy closing sequence. Did I mention Big Slow should retire?
Chrisss: Retire, and stop entertaining us with his amazing promo work and Match of the Year candidates? What is wrong with you? A WWE without Paul Wight is one I want no part of, thank you very much.
Seriously though, at least they were wise enough to make it no dq, so maybe they'll find some way to keep us entertained. But yeah, any other outcome besides an Orton victory is simply out of the question.
Chrisss' pick: Orton wins
Skitz' pick: Orton wins
Strap Match: Mark Henry vs. Sheamus
Skitz: We're slightly moving in the right direction. The company kinda rushed through Henry/Sheamus during SkidMark's Hall of Pain run so I don't mind WWE revisiting it now. The WSM shocked us internet smarks when he upsetted Ryberg at 'Mania... Maybe lightning strikes twice?
Chrisss: I think it will strike twice. Also, let me just say that these two have surprised the hell out of me by having one of the most entertaining non-world title feuds in quite some time. With the exception of that tug of war BS, I have really enjoyed the build-up to their match this Sunday. Mind you, had The World's Strongest Man not molly-whooped poor Josh Mathews on RAW, I would have struggled to understand how Henry is supposed to be the heel and Sheamus the hero...
Skitz: Josh Mathews: targeted rape victim since 2003. Admittedly, I felt a tad dejected when Henry didn't fling the interviewer clear across the ring; colliding violently with a turnbuckle. Clearly, Michael Cole's reached the precipice of commentating where he isn't subjected to lopsided beatings any longer. Cheers to J.R.'s questionable successor for accomplishing something during his miserable existence. The ginger and WSM have navigated this feud almost flawlessly. For the sake of argument though (and despite strap contests normally favoring the heel), I'm picking the pasty Celt to prevail.
Chrisss: The funny thing is, it seemed to me (and others as well) that Mathews turned heel on SmackDown last week during commentary. He was cheering for Ryback, dissing Cena, etc. Maybe that was some ad-libbing which Vince didn't appreciate, and so he fed him to Henry as payback?
Sheamus? Nah. He's been dominating this feud, in my opinion. And by that logic, Henry gets the win here, which I have no issue with whatsoever.
Chrisss' pick: Henry wins
Skitz' pick: Sheamus wins
United States Championship: Kofi Kingston (c.) vs. Dean Ambrose
Chrisss: I'm not gonna lie, Candyman: the instant they made this match official on RAW, I convinced myself I would be tuning into Extreme Rules on Sunday. Would it have been nice if the two of them had some kind of interaction on RAW? Sure, but Ambrose is getting a freaking title shot, so I'm not complaining!
Skitz: Fair enough. Management's thrown this one together haphazardly but it serves a bigger purpose (and now we know why company officials stripped Cesaro of the gold so suddenly). Vince absolutely loves feeding Kofi to the wolves, doesn't he? (sigh) Poor negro. Anywho, I can't envision any other outcome here than Ambrose planting Kingston on his head and seizing the title.
Chrisss: Many people predicted Kofi beat Cesaro for the U.S. title only so Fandango could beat Kofi. I think I prefer this outcome a lot more. Kofi is the textbook example of a transitional champion, and I do feel for the guy. Why management doesn't turn him heel and give him a shot at the main-event, I'll never know.
As for the quality of match, we could be in for a treat as both guys are quite unique in their own way. As for the outcome, I can't see Kofi retaining, I just can't.
Skitz: Especially with Rollins & Reigns lurking around ringside. I like where this whole makeshift angle is heading because any progression at this point is welcomed. And since Moxley's the group's centerpiece and strongest asset, strapping the U.S. Title around his waist is a smart investment. I also wouldn't be shocked if Ambrose and Kingston put together a brief, unique contest.
Look for a Shield member to interfere whilst the ref's distracted; halting Kofi's momentum and decisively swaying the tide.
Chrisss: My thoughts exactly, pal. It would be nice if management gives them time to go out there and put on something memorable, but I'm not holding my breath. This will be The Shield's first taste of gold but certainly not their last...
Chrisss' pick: Ambrose wins the title
Skitz' pick: Ambrose wins the title
WWE Tag Team Championship: Team Hell No (c.) vs. The Shield's Reigns & Rollins
Chrisss: Well, Team Hell No have had an awesome run, but the time has long come for them to go their separate ways. No shame in losing to The Shield: to be frank, Reigns & Rollins are the perfect duo to dethrone the nearly unstoppable tandem.
Skitz: Considering how the general IWC's eagerly anticipated Team Hell No's dethroning since January's Royal Rumble, yeah... WWE's milked the Anger Management shtick long enough. The majority of my excitement towards D-Bry & Kane dropping the belts stems from the possibilities awaiting Goatface. While the Big Red Monster inches closer towards inactivity, you've gotta wonder what the company has planned for Bryan's immediate future.
Chrisss: In a perfect world? Feuding with Ziggler for the world title? But I don't see that happening until the early fall at the very earliest. It wouldn't surprise me too see Bryan revert to being a heel, since he never really turned face. As long as he's not stuck in another tag team, I'll probably be happy.
Skitz: Pairing the American Bandwagon with another sap after spending the last 8-9 months hugging Jacobs should be punishable by law. Remember how scorching hot of a commodity D-Bry became last summer? If it weren't for the skits with Dr. Shelby being so goddamn hilarious, Goatface would've never ended up shackled to Kane. So yes Bryan's stock is on the rise again... but what about The Shield? Rollins & Reigns appear primed for a title win Sunday but how long can we expect them to retain said hardware?
Chrisss: Until another credible tag team emerges, I'd say. Lord knows it's not The Usos. The Prime Time Players have next to no momentum nowadays. Even Tons of Funk are back to their jobbing ways. So I'd say the titles are safe around their waists until officials decide to throw together another pair of random top stars to take them down, which might not be for a while.
Well, we've now established that Sunday will be a good night for the Hounds of Justice. What's next?
Chrisss' pick: Reigns & Rollins win the titles
Skitz' pick: Reigns & Rollins win the titles
Number One Contender I Quit Match: Jack Swagger vs. Alberto del Rio
Skitz: Gahhhhhh I'm suffering from memory loss at the moment (ring a bell, Dolph?) but yours truly recalls someone mentioning how this route may serve Ziggler better in the long haul. I tend to agree with Mr. Anonymous on the matter. WWE should re-assess how they've booked The Showoff thus far while he's recovering because it's borderline disgraceful. Neither ADR nor Swags can really hold the Blonde Perm's jock. And instead of a triple threat clusterflub, this #1 contender's bout should've happened on SmackDown weeks prior to the PPV. I know Vince's cronies would like to keep Dolph disengaged at ringside; only to pick up the scraps at an opportunistic moment. That strategy blows chunks though and Ziggler deserves an equal shot at showcasing his abilities. As unfortunate as Nemeth's concussion is, it's a blessing in disguise because now A.J.'s hump stick can alter history to benefit himself.
Chrisss: 100% agreed. I am a bit disappointed we're not getting a ladder match, but Swags and ADR work well with each other - their Falls Count Anywhere match on SmackDown a few weeks back was magnificent. I say give Ziggler some time to recover, and for the love of all that is holy, book him strongly upon his return. Was Sheamus booked weak during his title reign? Was Big Show? Was Del Rio? The answer to all three - NO! WWE needs to stop burying talented wrestlers like Ziggler and Antonio Cesaro; maybe then they won't be labelled as "boring" by backstage officials. smh.
Skitz: Preach it, foreigner. In terms of determining a victor, I'm a bit torn. From a face versus heel aspect, you're inclined to lean towards Dorito. But then look how distinctively different WWE's booked Del Rio and the Confederacy since WM29. Alberto's hobbled around on uno foot while Jack's tore through the competition on both shows. They're heading into a match which often ends via submission hold and Alberto's leg is due to fall off at any seconds Mmmmm, sounds like Swagger has an elementary objective come Extreme Rules.
Chrisss: So the bottom line is, you can smoke and drive, get caught, embarrass your company, and receive not one, but TWO world title matches? Makes sense. I hear what you're saying but I can't see Swagger winning another number one contender's match, especially since he won't be the one to knock off the ZigZag man. I'm going with Del Rio, in what should be a fun match.
Skitz: Begrudgingly, I too choose ADR. Perhaps Jack will throw in the towel when Zeb arrives at the Scottrade Center rocking a KKK shirt under his camo vest. #cheaperthandirtheat
I'm not even going to reply to that. Vintage Skitz, ladies and gentlemen.
Chrisss' pick: Del Rio wins
Skitz' pick: Del Rio wins
Steel Cage Match: Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar
Chrisss: Goddamnit. I boycotted Wrestlemania AND Wrestlemania season hoping to spare myself from this feud, only for it to continue an extra month. Fml. Well, on the bright side, they can't possibly have a worst match than their last two outings, can they? That's why the cage is there, right? Whatever - let Brock win so the two can go back to being part-timers.
Skitz: MetLife Stadium seemed eerily silent throughout 95% of H/Lesnar II. Trips can't blame it on Punk & Taker tiring out the crowd either. If the throng of humanity had something to sink their teeth in, the No Holds Barred affair wouldn't have been scrutinized for the cricket outbreak. The place sounded like a fucking library for 25 minutes minus a handful of half-hearted pops. Ladies and gentlemen... behold the single greatest nothing rivalry bar none! The altercations between Hunter and Brock were so scarce, fans couldn't realistically feign interest from start to finish.
Chrisss: Can you blame them? WWE clearly doesn't give a fuck about this feud. The competitors don't give a fuck. So why should the fans be even slightly interested? I would laugh if HHH actually goes over on Sunday. They're paying Lesnar millions to show up a few times a year, and lose 75% of his matches. What a joke. I can't think of anything nice to say so pick a winner and let's move on, please!
Skitz: Yeesh, tough crowd. Based on the final segment of Monday's RAW, H/Lesnar appears to be the likeliest candidate to main event the PPV. If such is indeed the case, we can rest assured that they'll step it up a notch and legit put each other's livelihood in jeopardy. Blood, brutality, weapons, steel mesh, the clashing of ego's and Heyman's hairpiece getting lost in the fray. I'm confident The Game will do business and lie down for Lesnar(...). It's imperative that WWE keeps Brock strong for SummerSlam & WMXXX.
Chrisss: You really think they'll main-event over a John Cena title match? And have Lesnar come out victorious? A year ago I would have called you insane, but that exact scenario happened at SummerSlam, so who knows anymore? My expectations will be low heading into Sunday, but maybe, MAYBE, they'll blow us away. We'll see.
Chrisss' pick: Lesnar wins
Skitz' pick: Lesnar wins
Last Man Standing Match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c.) vs. Ryback
Skitz: Initially, the prospect of Ryback pummeling WWE's Golden Boy and going full blown villain drew folks in. But if any Extreme Rules match has been hurt by the 6-week layoff between pay per views, it's Cena/Ryberg. Management capitalized on an unforseen heel turn but the storyline progression thereafter has soured the vast majority of wrestling fans. The schedule afforded Vince & Co. ample time to build the feud, evolve Sheffield's character and they've failed miserably. Instead of presenting viewers with an albino gorilla hell bent on crushing the Champ into a fine powder, the writing staff's declawed the beast........... What the fuck for?
Chrisss: Amazing, isn't it? 99% of the time, feuds benefit from having plenty of time to develop between PPVs. Yet, it's the complete opposite here. I stick by my original idea that Cena should have turned heel, not Ryback. With the ratings down to a 2.9, it's not like WWE has much to lose. Except those precious merchandise sales. Ummm Earth to WWE - Cena will retire someday. You might as well turn him heel while he's still in his prime and start working on building his replacement(s). Besides, it's not like they'd be stuck with a heel Cena forever - they could just turn him back whenver they like. But I digress.
Are we in for a new WWE Champion come Sunday or will Super Cena prevail once again?
Skitz: Wave goodbye to your fleeting pipe dreams, people. Cenation isn't joining the dark side unless the company's ratings tank to the point where TNA pulls within reach. The incompetence of these useless fucking "creative experts" frazzles my mind. Even if the agenda all along calls for Cena to retain, you can outline the program so both guys walk away earnestly. I don't picture this ending well for Ryback whatsoever. Skipper's shown some range on the mic yet management's standing idly by while opportunity passes. Couple that with Ryberg's woeful PPV record since HIAC and why would you or I put an ounce of faith in Sheffield winning at Extreme Rules?
Chrisss: True that. I was compelled with their feud at the start, but the whole thing has fell flat, and fast. It's clear Ryback turning heel was an overnight decision due to Punk's injury because if not, there is no reason to explain why he lost cleanly to Henry last month at Mania. You have to take pity on poor Skip - how can he recover from yet another PPV loss?
Skitz: Pffffft easily. Just toss Ryback in a feud with Jericho - problem solved. Nah I suspect the entire experiment will have run its' course by next spring. Vince, Hunter, whoever's in charge, they've botched and mismanaged Sheffield into a comatose state. I'm guessing WWE can see the light up ahead and are scrambling to bleed Ryberg dry before time expires.
Chrisss: Unfortunately, I have to agree. Ryback was extremely over as a face, but Creative's ADD kicked in and now he's all but ruined. Way to go, WWE.
Chrisss' pick: Cena retains the title
Skitz' pick: Cena retains the title
Well, that's Extreme Rules in a nutshell. Any last words, scumbag? Care to gloat about your temporary lead in the PPV standings?
Skitz: For reals? Shiiiiiiiiiit this is news to me. Regardless, don't cry foul when the months trickle by and said margin expands.
Chrisss: Keep dreaming, Captain Fruity.
Skitz: Heat me up a McDouble, bitch.
Have a question or comment, but don't feel like commenting below? Well, here's how!
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Facebook: Search for "Super Chrisss" and LIKE the page
Join the fun - add me/talk to me/join my XBL party!
-XboX Live Gamertag: Good Guy Chris
-Pokemon Black 2: Friend Code, 3998 4391 1960
As always, thanks for reading!