Taste My Centsss - Chrisss & Skitz Preview Wrestlemania 29
By Super Chrisss
Jan 18, 2013 - 12:28:27 PM
Chrisss: Well, it's that time again. The Royal Rumble is almost upon us, which means -
Huh? You mean we're not here to preview a Pay-Per-View? Then what the hell are you doing here???
Skitz: Listen, homie.... I'm driving myself bonkers over here trying to figure out which combination of matches the WWE will give us for 'Mania this year. I've put together a couple cards (the big drawing bouts anyway) that all seem like worthy candidates.
I swear to God... you better agree with every fucking thing I say or my fist will find its way up your asshole tonight.
Chrisss: Is that a threat? Because obviously you have no idea what us Canadians are capable of. So watch your mouth.
Hit me with your first card, and try to keep me (and the readers) amused, will you?
Skitz: Alright first off, fuck them. Three-quarters of those fools just repeat each other's sentences. And secondly, SkitZ will shove whatever he so chooses up your loose mudhole.
My first batch of bouts isn't really all that awe-inspiring. It features the most realistic outcomes and, therefore, the lamest possibilities. Nevertheless, we can't dwell in the realm of fantasy forever.
- John Cena vs. The Rock II
- CM Punk vs. Undertaker for the WWE Title
- Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar (No Holds Barred)
- Big Show vs. Ryback for the World Heavyweight Title
Chrisss: Are you serious, bro? We have to kick things off by analyzing that load of crap? Fine, have it your way...
I understand why WWE would want to roll with such a card. Rock vs. Cena II is a huge draw, even a year later.
Punk vs. Taker, title or non-title, is another dream, big-time match.
HHH vs. Lesnar, although not as intriguing as their initial match at SummerSlam, would probably draw in UFC fans and a younger audience who loves to cheer for The Game.
Big Show vs. Ryback would give us two Wrestlemania moments - Ryback winning his first world title and miraculously hitting Shell Shocked on the big man. From a business perspective, this a smart, "safe" card.
But as a fan, do I want to see any of those matches, especially on the biggest wrestling PPV of the year? Other than Punk/Taker, HELL NO!
Your turn. Try and convince me to buy such a frightening show.
Skitz: For what it's worth, I'm not particularly pleased with this layout either. I just figured we should discuss the likeliest (and thus unappealing) card first before moving onto more boner inspiring options.
I can't quite put my finger on it but potentially seeing Ryback try and tame Big Show intrigues me. Management would keep the contest relatively brief and yes... the thought of Skipper Shefzilla delivering shell shocked to TBS screams visual ecstasy.
As far as Punk/Taker is concerned, I would honestly be disappointed if it came to fruition; even if the company set up a title versus streak scenario. They feuded over on SmackDown hardly three years ago and The Deadman only has a few appearances left in the tank.
HHH/Brock Part Dos would also do the trick. Given where the storyline left off, they're due for a nasty brawl (which favors both man much more than a MMA styled match). It wouldn't necessarily be asking a lot to outdo their SummerSlam effort.
Rock/Cena II = yuck city. Besides the WWE's Poster Boy evening the score with Johnson, there's absolutely no need to go down this path again. This ongoing pattern of Wrestlemania rematches is a massive turnoff and reeks of lazy booking. Give me something new every April rather than rehashed bullshit.
Chrisss: A respectable effort to justify your card, Candyman. I agree there is something is each bout even us cynical fans could be intrigued in, but with so many huge names lined up and a hungry roster dying to steal the show, I just feel the WWE can do a lot much better than giving us ReMatchMania.
One thing about Punk/Taker - I was really underwhelmed by their 2009 feud, especially since none of their matches went over the ten-minute mark. But considering how Punk is miles more established than he was back then, I can see them putting on a twenty-five minute clinic come Mania.
Anyways, bring on Card #2!
-The Rock vs. CM Punk for the WWE Title
- Undertaker vs. John Cena
- Ryback vs. Brock Lesnar
- Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler for the World Heavyweight Title
Initial reaction? Lay it on me thick, son.
(P.S. I'm not referencing seaman for once)
Chrisss: Ewww. However, I'll admit, that card is MUCH better! There might be hope left for you, after all.
Rock/Punk - I think it all depends on how their Rumble match goes. If the two click in the ring, then I'd love to see the rematch at Mania, regardless of the outcome at the Rumble. The promos would make for some excellent television. But if they fail to deliver, I would be hesitant seeing it happen again, and so soon.
Taker/Cena - I've never been a huge fan of their past matches, but this is still a match that needs to happen at Wrestlemania before The Deadman finally retires. It's a massive draw, and I'd rather see it now than wait a year or two, especially if 'Taker decides not come back for WM30 or 31.
Ryback/Lesnar - This would be interesting. Both have their share of fans and haters, but this would be nothing but pure strength vs. pure strength. I'd rather have seen this happen when Lesnar was in his prime, but now is as good as time as ever, I guess.
Ziggler/Del Rio - Easily the "lowest" main-event on the card, but I'll bet you anything these two could steal the show. I've made it no secret how much I've been enjoying Del Rio's face turn, and this could be a great, career-making match for both match. Both men may not be as over as the other headliners, but this could be the match of the night.
Skitz: Believe it or not, I'd prefer if The Great One & Mr. Sobriety met at WM29 instead and WWE got the inevitable Rocky/Cena II nonsense outta the way next Sunday. All gimmicks aside, there's fewer things more enjoyable than watching Johnson and Punk battle verbally on a weekly basis. Aside from the two actually squaring off in the ring of course. The third generation grappler can't hang with Phillip on the mic though. Repetitive catchphrases and penis jokes will only get you so far nowadays.
Hustle's certainly not alone in wanting to see Taker and the company's biggest merchandise seller lock horns in recent years (specifically at 'Mania). It is perhaps WWE's last dream bout pertaining to two stars still on the active/ish roster. Given his age and lack of durability, don't expect The Phenom to be very adventurous as it relates to his last couple Wrestlemania opponents. There's history with Johnny Boy however so keep those fingers crossed. Folks better brace themselves for a fuck ton of nearfalls though.
From a physical aspect, Ryback/Brock offers fans something special. I'd limit the dueling promos as much as possible for fear that they'd be downright cringe worthy. Ryberg would find himself at a disadvantage which is usually never the case 1-on-1. But considering Lesnar's restricted schedule and Skip's progression, the betting odds would strongly back the former Nexus member.
Turning the attention to Ziggler/ADR for a second, we're in complete agreement. While the marketability is definitely put into question by critics right off the bat, Dolph & Dorito are fully capable of sucking the crowd in from a technical standpoint. Alberto desperately attempting to get over as a face mixed with the Blonde Perm hell bent on creating a Wrestlemania moment sounds like eye candy to Sir Fruity. Then you book Ziggler to lose and cash in later against a weakened Rock.
Chrisss: Only problem with that last scenario, homeboy - if Rock is/remains WWE Champion, Ziggler can't cash in because his contract is for the world heavyweight title, remember? Man, I really miss when there was one briefcase around that could be used for either world title - helped build the suspense and made things more unpredictable.
Well, two down, and one to go! Did you save the best possible card for last? Or am I in for a bigger disappointment than last week's RAW?
Skitz: Eh, probably. I'm not entirely sure about the combo below but it's pretty plausible at this stage:
-The Rock vs. CM Punk vs. John Cena for the WWE Title
- Undertaker vs. Dolph Ziggler
- Randy Orton vs. Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Title
- Ryback, ADR & ? vs. The Shield
Chrisss: That's actually not a bad card. Kudos.
Cena/Rock/Punk - I'm not a huge fan if triple threat main-events, but I could live with this one. It saves us from Rock and Cena one-on-one AND it gives Punk a Wrestlemania main-event. I'm down.
Taker/Ziggler - A bit of a stretch, but I like it. The match could be great and do wonders for Ziggler's career, but I fear Ziggler wouldn't be seen as a legit threat to the Streak.
Orton/Sheamus - They had a good match on SmackDown a few months back. I'm fine with them fighting at Mania.
Ryback/Del Rio/Miz? vs Shield - Sure. It won't beat the TLC match but at least it gets them all on the show.
Am I right or what?
Skitz: Ego much? Damn.
The triple threat bout above is truthfully the only main event caliber threesome that I'd be excited about in '13. Adding that extra dude to the equation would solve a handful of issues facing this year's show (including the two you mentioned) as well as build on the unpredictability. Plus, each wrestler's respective career has intertwined with his foes' over the course of the last two years. This route is arguably Punk's best shot of headlining WM29 if he doesn't enter as champion.
Lets not beat around the bush... Dolph challenging the streak is an enormous gamble but one which would pay huge dividends for both stars. Despite being a walking fossil, Taker would no doubt look like a million bucks in the ring opposite of Ziggler. Just imagine the Blonde Perm in that position selling The Deadman's trademark offense. There's no fucking way in hell that Dolph blows that kinda opportunity. Ziggler almost pulls off the mammoth upset but ultimately becomes victim #21. Then management utilizes that momentum later in the broadcast by having The Show Off cash in and become World Champion.
Meanwhile, The Viper doing battle with Sheamus disgusts me. They fought on multiple occasions in 2010 & '11 so why bother? The dynamic just doesn't entice me nearly enough to co-headline wrestling's premier pay per view. At least if this scenario did play out like so, there's Dolph lurking in the background to save us from either individual reigning as World Heavyweight Champ again.
The reason I didn't list a third teammate for Ryberg & Del Rio is because WWE should entertain a mystery opponent type deal more often during Wrestlemania season. Fans are allowed to play a guessing game and wonder if some legendary superstar's returning. In this instance, said wrestler would appear at WM29 to help "defend the company" and defeat The Shield. If not, Skips and ADR can face the trio alone to better Ambrose, Reigns & Rollins' chances. Much of that hinges on how successful Alberto's face run goes.
Chrisss: You're right. This is Punk's best shot at main-eventing Wrestlemania, champion or not champion. Even if he does face Stone Cold at next year's show (PLEASE), I doubt the bout will go on last, especially if Rock and Cena are around. This is the time to capitalize on Punk's momentum and reward him for a brilliant year-plus as WWE Champion.
You know what possible match-up you didn't include, and in all likelihood won't happen - at least not this year? Daniel Bryan vs. The Rock. Bryan is one of the most over men in the company and has been since last year's Wrestlemania. That match could be awesome, and not random, since the two have unfinished business from RAW 1000. Nothing more than a dream though, although I would love to see it.
Well, Skitz, how would you rank your three fantasy cards? From most likely to least likely, I'd say 1, 3, and 2 is the right order. As for the headlining card I'd want to see I have to go with, 2, 3, and 1.
Skitz: Before any ranking commences, watching D-Bry wrap Rocky into a pretzel would warm my cockles. I can picture that match happening somewhere but at a lesser PPV. And now it's gonna be extra difficult due to the YES Man's immense popularity with the fans.
Card-wise in terms of desirability, I'd go 2-3-1 as well. On a side note, can we please just brush Miz under the mat and keep that shmuck off the show? Give Antonio Cesaro a decent feud which highlights the Swiss' abilities? Remove Diva matches/segments from all future programming? Let Cody's mustache grow to astronomical proportions? Have fate interject so I can chat up Naomi & Cameron on MeetBlackPeople.com? Convince WWE to endorse a thesaurus written by Sandow? And so on and so forth?
Chrisss: Get a hold of yourself, man. This is a Wrestlemania fantasy column, not a 2013 wishlist. The hell is wrong with you?
I see you have also turned on The Miz so early in his face run. Now, I agree things haven't been going "awesome" for Mizanin, but the crowd seems to be embracing him. They just need to stop having a MizTV every fucking week. Let the man cut a regular promo, don't turn him back into the talk show host from 2005 we all despised with a passion.
Skitz: .... You mean 2006. And I actually prefer that version of Mizanin compared to the cunt waffle strutting around RAW with chin stubble and overpowering self-entitlement. That dude can S my D.
Chrisss: You know math has never been my greatest ally. Why must you mock me?
Do you have anything else relevant to say or shall we call it a night? It's bad enough I have to put up with you again in just over a week to talk about the Royal Rumble PPV (sigh).
Skitz: Mmmm, yeah some parting words of wisdom if I may. For those youngsters out there who still live with their parents, NEVER move in with a tranny under any circumstances. You might have 99 problems but a bitchdude shouldn't be one.
Chrisss: Dude, you've got some serious problems, you know that?
Well, awesome readers, what do you think? Which Wrestlemania (main-event) card did you like best? Which one will we most likely get come April 7th? Can you come up with a different combination of the bout's top matches? I'd love to know!
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