Taste My Centsss - Chrisss & Skitz Make Their Elimination Chamber Picks
By Super Chrisss
Feb 15, 2013 - 10:40:37 PM
Chrisss: 3.0 Skitz: 4.0
Chrisss: Well, you fruity bastard, it seems you have taken the early lead in our Pay-Per-View prediction contest (damn you Cena for winning the Royal Rumble, damn you!). Since I'm a nice guy, I'll let you gloat now so we can get your ego out of the way and we can talk about Sunday's Elimination Chamber PPV (which will only have one Chamber match this year, apparently).
Skitz: First off, let me thank myself for having the mental awareness to outsmart you at every turn. It's not easy being so Goddamn knowledgeable. And secondly, props to you for allowing me the privilege of embarrassing you (lowly Canadian) on a grander scale. You're half the man I thought you were and that comes from the darkest corner of my soul.
Chrisss: Go to hell. We still have eleven PPVs left for me to redeem myself. When I do beat you, I'll force you to lick my igloo from top to bottom.
With that being said, let's get down to business as we have a much busier card to discuss than we did three weeks ago.
Pre-Show YouTube Match: Brodus Clay & Tensai vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Cody and Damien go their separate ways not that long ago? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the duo remaining a team, as they've done almost nothing but job as solo stars, but how about some consistency every now and then. And now that Albert is a face, can they please stop calling him Tensai?
Skitz: Or a new name completely (just to fuck with people).
Rhodes Scholars sudden reunion struck most of us as peculiar I'm sure. My guess is Cody & Damien are too important to be kept off the card completely. But why split to focus on solo careers if you're nothing more than toilet paper for the likes of Rocky & Sheamus? Both gentleman, ESPECIALLY Sandow, deserve more from management.
Chrisss: I'm still more sold on Cody being the breakout star, as Sandow's wrestling skills leave a lot to be desired. But that doesn't excuse management for turning both guys into Del Rio and Sheamus' new personal JOB squads? Seems like a loss-loss for both men.
I'm actually thinking Brodus and Tensai get the win here. WWE have constantly dropped the ball on Rhodes Scholars and I'm actually worried the two fat men will be the team to dethrone Team Hell No in the near future. I hope I'm wrong, but I believe Rhodes and Sandow are reuniting on Sunday just to make Team Gangnam Style look good.
Skitz: Mmmmm agreed. At least the intellectually superior duo aren't being bumped for a spotty, inconsistent tandem like Mysterio & Sin Cara. Things could always be worse in that sense.
And to be honest, I'd much rather have the company showcase this on the pay per view than Cesaro/Miz. Offer me something different you plain Jane pieces of shit.
Chrisss: Isn't it hilarious how Mysterio got bumped off the card for Swagger and Henry? The little guy's value to the company has got to be at an all-time low.
Speaking of Cesaro vs. the guy who almost seriously injured CM Punk the other day, do you want to get into that match-up right away, or would you like to add something about this tag team match that 75% of the wrestling world doesn't even know is taking place on Sunday?
Skitz: Nah, let's leap right into the United States Title discussion. But as far as the Mexican Jumping Bean is concerned, his stock has plummeted so steeply because the dude can't stay healthy for longer than three or four months. Rey Rey's odds of lasting until Wrestlemania each year have gotta be like 35-to-1 (and that's being generous).
Chrisss' pick: Team Gangnam Style wins
Skitz' pick: Team Gangnam Style wins
United States Championship: Antonio Cesaro (c.) vs. The Miz
Skitz:***Incoming Miz rant***
What reason do we have to believe the mundane talk show host can beat any credible threat at this point? Mizanin basically uses his dull interview segment as an open invitation for other wrestlers to kick the living shit out of him. Come one, come all! From Brock to Antonio, everything involving Miz ends the same... with him getting anally impaled by the opposition. What has the guy done since the Rumble to earn another shot at Cesaro's belt? Miz resurfaced with his second wind last summer, a little facial scruff and yet is being booked similarly to last 'Mania season. Only this go-around, Mizanin's receiving cock slaps from all directions as a babyface. What an improvement!
Chrisss: I'm still not as big of a Miz hater as everyone else is, but even I find it strange to see him getting another title shot at a PPV. With the Punk injury scare, he's lucky to not be in the doghouse, let alone the number one contender for the U.S. title.
I know a lot of people are going to assume Cesaro has got this one in the bag, but I'm not so sure. If Cesaro gets past Miz, who does he defend against at Wrestlemania? There's no way Miz will get a third title shot, Swagger is in full heel mode and a top contender to win the Chamber match, R-Truth already had his chance, Kofi, Ryder, and Santino have all been regulated to jobber status. That doesn't leave the Swiss with a lot of plausible challengers come April 7th.
I know 99% of the IWC will vomit at the thought, but with Miz being booked like shit for the past weeks, and Antonio seemingly out of fresh opponents, could we see a new U.S. Champion crowned this Sunday?
Skitz: What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, Chrissstopher. I expect slightly better from you than that. The only explanation for this bout happening again is to serve as PPV filler and further establish Castagnoli moving forward.
Unless WWE schedules a Money in the Bank Ladder match or multi-man clusterfuck for WM29, Mizanin isn't even worthy of a spot on said card. Meanwhile, I foresee Antonio defending his gold against a higher profile talent - Christian perhaps?
Chrisss: Hold your horses, you horny virgin. I never said Miz would win, or he was my pick to win the title on Sunday. All I'm saying is Miz has more of a chance than most people think he does (you included). Cesaro will more than likely retain, but it should be a lot more competitive than their match at the Rumble last month.
Actually, the thought of a Christian vs. Cesaro match makes me giddy. I like your train of thought, Candyman. There's hope for you yet!
Chrisss' pick: Cesaro retains the title
Skitz' pick: Cesaro retains the title
Let's move on to the third match this Sunday that most people have no idea is even taking place, which happens to be
WWE Divas Championship: Kaitlyn (c.) vs. Tamina
Skitz: Yikes. This "feud" is more of a hot mess than your typical Divas nonsense; mainly because it materialized out of thin air. How/why is Tamina afforded #1 contendership? I mean besides the fact that she's the last capable performer remaining in the women's division. Snuka competed against Kaitlyn in a Lumberjill Match that ended in shenanigans and talked some trash backstage. This rivalry doesn't have enough heat to light a fucking candle.
Chrisss: Didn't they do a backstage segment a few weeks back where Layla was 'mesmerized' by the sight o the divas title and didn't want to give it back, suggesting a possible heel turn for the former LayCool member? What ever happened to that? And WWE wonders why no one gives a damn about their divas division. There's no story, no feuds - just random, two minute matches. Can we just call up the NXT divas and revamp the entire division already? It's beyond sad at this point.
Skitz: Considering how Barrett/Dallas hasn't been announced for Sunday's event, this snoozefest has no business stealing ring time over the former. And if said Intercontinental Title bout doesn't make the cut, I'll be further enraged. Who books this bullshit with a straight face!? I don't understand why Vince sees fit to continue punishing his loyal servants even after years of visual abuse. Can't A.J. stop blowing the entire locker room long enough to pursue the butterfly belt? Bless us with a chance of pace.
Chrisss: Yeah, I love me some Barrett, but I'm totally fine with that piece of garbage Bo Dallas being kept off my computer - errr - TV screen. And yes, Aj vs. Kaitlyn would make me give a fuck, if for the hotness factor alone, so I say bring it.
Pick a winner and let's move on to a better place. I beg you.
Skitz: Arggggggg if I must. Kaitlyn will emerge victorious not because she's the better wrestler but due to her larger bra size and superior sex appeal. Personally, SkitZ would prefer to tango with a chick who's gonna tear his clothes off rather than one that'll own him in an arm wrestling contest. Just sayin'.
Chrisss: You are one weird mofo, that's all I'm gonna say.
Chrisss' pick: Kaitlyn retains the title
Skitz' pick: Kaitlyn retains the title
The Shield (Ambrose, Reigns, Rollins) vs. The Justice League (Cena, Ryback, Sheamus)
This sounds like the latest Marvel movie, but I digress.
Everyone has been worried about Shield being buried here but I can't see that happening, not with all the work that has been done to protect these newcomers. I'm not ruling out one of the three turning heel and joining The Shield, but I definitely think it's possible the young trio gets an upset win, by some dirty trick.
Skitz: Yeah in my view, what logic is there in killing The Shield's buzz seven weeks out from 'Mania? You've built them up to a ridiculous level; winning against Team Hell No & Ryback at TLC, decimating their EC opponents respectively on multiple occasions and aligning themselves with Punk. You can't pull the tires off the bus at this pit stop. Cena recapturing the WWE Title at WM29 appears to be a foregone conclusion but a loss here by nefarious means doesn't lose him any steam. While Cena, Sheamus & Ryberg are undoubtedly the HEAVY favorites, Legion of Doom will somehow eek out a 'W'.
Chrisss: Now you're speaking my language! The beauty of six-man tags is that only one man has to be pinned. Of the three superheroes, Sheamus is the one who the company doesn't have big Wrestlemania plans for (or so it seems). Have the Great White take the fall for this team but only after some blatant cheating by The Shield. Cena and Ryback stay protected, and the stable keeps their momentum alive. Simple as that.
Skitz: For reals. I read a comment in Hustle's latest running diary where some shmuck claimed that he couldn't take Dean Ambrose seriously on the mic... Are you fucking kidding me? Now we're criticizing a newcomer for having a snarky, raspy tone? I guess individualism is frowned upon nowadays for some bizarre reason. Did you ever stop and wonder.... maybe that's just how Ambrose sounds? Jesus Christ. Maybe it'd be wise to concentrate more closely on the effectiveness of his promos and block everything else out. Bunch of picky bastards. Suck a dick and powder my balls in the morning.
Chrisss: Don't make fun of people. If that guy seriously thinks Ambrose sucks on the mic, he probably has some serious mental health issues. Shame on you for exposing the poor bastard to the whole bastard.
Chrisss' pick: The Shield wins
Skitz' pick: The Shield wins
World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto del Rio (c.) vs. The Big Show
Okay, now I'm really confused. Their first title match was a Last Man Standing match, their rematch - two weeks later - was also a LMS match and here we are, a month into this rivalry, where things have gotten even more personal between the two, and Sunday's match is just a regular title match?
What in the blue fuck is going on here???
Skitz: Ehhhhhhhhhh me thinks it speaks volumes regarding management's motives. Any predictions of ADR/Ziggler occurring at WM29 flew out the window this week based on WWE giving said showdown away for free (on fucking Main Event no less). That alone guarantees us a different World Heavyweight Championship contest on April 7th. Given how Dolph's without a match this Sunday evening, I could certainly picture him cashing in once Dorito retains. The more I entertain the idea, making good on the briefcase at EC is far less predictable than doing so at Wrestlemania. What say you?
Chrisss: They actually gave Ziggler/Del Rio for free twice already, both tonight and a few weeks ago on SmackDown. Try and keep up.
I don't care how predictable it seems, I'm going with the most interesting and best scenario - Del Rio wins, and Ziggler cashes in on Sunday. There's a reason Ziggler isn't booked for the show and that's because he's cashing in (finally, might I add). This removes Big Show from the title picture, which is also way overdue.
Skitz: Interesting though how management couldn't "fit" the Blonde Perm into their RAW & SmackDown scripts last week. If that's any indication of Dolph's standing with Vince & Hunter, his inevitable World Title reign is DOOMED. And if the goal has been to keep Ziggler outta the spotlight, kudos to WWE because his booking's been garbage.
Chrisss: Then again, apart from Edge's MitB victory/reign, haven't all briefcase holders been booked like shit prior to cashing in and becoming world champion? WWE has to remember that you don't make a star out of a champion - you crown a champion because he has earned the right to be the top guy. Not the other way around.
Silly WWE logic aside, what's your pick? Del Rio or Big Snore? Ziggler or no Ziggler?
Skitz: My money's on ADR pulling off another underdog victory. The company's been riding his nuts hard since New Year's. Big Show loses once again in embarrassing fashion, goes apeshit and lays Dorito out post-match. That opens the door for Ziggy to race down, capitalize on the dazed champ and reek the benefits. ADR's done amazing in his new role but I'm psyched (and praying) for another swerve.
Chrisss: I couldn't have booked it better myself. Oh, wait. I already did. But that's a moot point!
Chrisss' pick: Del Rio retains the title; Ziggler cashes in successfully post-match
Skitz' pick: Del Rio retains the title; Ziggler cashes in successfully post-match
WHC Number One Contender's Match: Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. Jack Swagger
This will not be an easy one to call. With the exception of Kane, an argument could be made for every single participant winning and facing the world champion (be it Del Rio, Show, or Ziggler) on April 7th. Kudos to WWE for wasting no time in re-establishing Henry and Swagger as credible world title threats. I already know who I'm going with, but I'll let you tell your side of the story first.
Skitz: Curses! I was counting on you throwing a name out and then randomly choosing somebody else. Jericho, SkidMark & Swagster all have legitimate shots of headlining Wrestlemania at this juncture. Considering Y2J's star power and Jack's new mouthpiece, I'd label Henry a distant third.
So you can stop fantasizing about D-Bry main-eventing WM this year, buddy. The YES Man will either be dueling with Kane or fighting alongside his partner. And Orton can suck a dick.
Chrisss: You better not choose Jericho or I'm forcing you to pick Punk over Rocky. No way are we having the exact same predictions just so you can keep your one-match lead over me. Hell no!
Speaking of the disputed tag champs, I know neither of them really stand a chance of surviving to the very end of the match, but I wouldn't put it past WWE to make them the only two not trapped inside a pod. With all their recent tension, I can't picture the lovable duo making it to Wrestlemania with their belts intact.
Skitz: Feeling anal pressure already, eh? Calm down. The year is still young.
Something tells me Jericho wasn't specifically brought back to challenge for a World Championship at consecutive Mania's. I could easily see Y2J strengthening the show from a lower card placement. As each week passes however, a SmackDown triple threat bout seems much more realistic at The Show of Shows than Rock/Cena/Punk. Question is: Which trio of stars do you place in that scenario?
Chrisss: The only triple threat I can see happening on the SmackDown side would be Del Rio vs. Ziggler vs. Jericho. But I think we're getting Ziggler vs. Jericho one-on-one, and for the world title. Jericho coming up short Sunday would make his return almost as unsuccessful as his 2012 run. Unlike Cena/Rock and Triple H/Lesnar II, I'm totally fine with this rematch, as it's a feud I care about and I know both men can hit a home run if given the right amount of time.
So if not Jericho, who do you see exiting the Chamber with the win?
Skitz: While Sexual Chocolate belongs in the conversation, I believe company officials want a fast(er) worker in that spot. Yes it's a gamble but Sir Fruity is siding with the All American American inside the chamber; therefore setting up ADR/Ziggler/Swagger at WM29.
Now why does that sound like some fantasy warfare bullshit straight out of WWE '13?
Throw in the fact that Y2J & Dolph have renewed their rivalry and SkitZ could be flirting with disaster as far as predictions go.
Chrisss: That's not a bad scenario. Maybe reference Swag and Zig's history together to help the buildup as well? I prefer my outcome more, but you offer a solid argument.
Chrisss' pick: Jericho wins the match
Skitz' pick: Swagger wins the match
Last but certainly not least, we have a rematch from one of the most hyped Royal Rumble title matches in recent history, but with the roles reversed this Sunday. None other than:
WWE Championship: The Rock (c.) vs. CM Punk
Skitz: Not sure about this bad boy since I feel like we're destined for the same match structure and screwy finish as last month. Management opted for the lazy booking route because Punk/Rock I probably did massive numbers and Johnson needs to defend the strap again sometime before 'Mania arrives. This could also be an avenue to further push Mr. Sobriety towards joining Cena/Rock in New Jersey; especially if Cookie Monster tastes defeat again following interference or other shenanigans.
Chrisss: Ugh, I hope you're wrong about the screwy finish. Sure, it would keep Punk in the title picture and help add him to the main-event of Mania should Taker sit this one out, but it would prove WWE doesn't learn from their mistakes. If Rock is going to retain - and he will - he needs a clean win following a competitive match. No Shield, no Heyman, just Punk vs. Rock.
Or maybe Lesnar will interfere on Heyman's behalf and screw Punk. I don't know (shrug).
Skitz: Whoaaaaaaaaaaa way to chuck one in from left field. Lesnar & Punk are allies from this point forward if anything. Hold the phone on changing Phillip back to a babyface just yet. The dude's not Kane or Big Show... you realize that, right?
Chrisss: Not as random as you might think, my good man. Punk and Lesnar are rumoured to feud sometime this year. Not only that, the Punk/Heyman promo from last Monday's RAW was done for a reason. The devilish look in Punk's eyes suggests he will turn on Heyman in the near future. I say the swerve will be Lesnar attacking Punk which sets up Punk vs. Lesnar at Wrestlemania. As for The Game? Fuck him. If we're stuck with Cena/Rock II, we'd better get Punk vs. Lesnar instead, not another rematch no one wants to see.
Skitz: Touche. I'd no doubt mark for a clash between Brock & Punk. Said encounter seems miles away right not however. This will serve as one of those very rare instances in which I truly hope you're correct.
Who would you say is more likely to miss WrestleMania this year? Trips or Undertaker?
Chrisss: Definitely The Deadman. HHH could show up at next week's RAW and book himself against anyone at Wrestlemania. People would be pissed but certainly not surprised if that happened. 'Taker, on the other hand, is a hurting, old man who should have hung up the boots after last year's epic encounter with The Cerebral Assassin. He has nothing left to prove (20-0 is such a nice, even number) and I would be fine with 'Taker never wrestling another match again.
Skitz: Ha! You obviously read that recent Mick Foley article too. Honestly, neither individual fits into this year's plans whatsoever. H/Lesnar appears to still be penciled it but who does The Phenom wrestle? The Punk scenario doesn't make any sense from where I'm sittin'.
Chrisss: I'm glad I'm not the only crazy one! But we've gotten off track. Any chance of Punk escaping New Orleans with the WWE Championship back around his waist?
Skitz: Welllllllllllllllllllllll it's in the realm of possibility sure. But from a financial standpoint, you don't remove the gold from your cash cow on the eve of your Super Bowl.
Chrisss: Couldn't agree with you more. It would be a nice twist, but it happens to be Wrestlemania season, which doesn't fare too well for Phil's title aspirations. I just hope they leave the screwy finish BS alone and let Punk vs. Rock be the fantastic match it should be, regardless of the outcome.
Chrisss' pick: Rock retains the title
Skitz' pick: Rock retains the title
Skitz: Yo it's the weekend... I've got shit to do. Is prison camp over yet!?
Chrisss: Yeah, yeah, you can go. I'm glad I won't have to see your face again until late March. Thanks for joining me, I guess.
Skitz: There better be some compensation coming my way dildo. Just transfer it into my account - it's 4246302285. Thanks in advance!
Do you agree with our predictions? Does The Shield have a chance of overcoming The 2013 Justice League come Sunday evening? Who do you think will win the SmackDown Elimination Chamber match? And in your opinion, will Dolph Ziggler finally cash in and become world champion?
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Thanks for reading, and enjoy the Pay-Per-View!