Taste My Centsss - Hell in a Cell Predictions (with Chrisss & Skitz)
By Super Chrisss & SkitZ
Oct 24, 2013 - 3:01:13 PM
Chrisss: 53.0 Skitz: 51.5
SkitZ: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the eighth or so prediction column you'll read this week - Taste My Centsss. I should probably build us up a bit and promise you something different than the customary pre-PPV blog but that seems laborsome and, to be quite honest, carrying my partner is a chore in itself.
Chrisss: Hey, I passed my driving exam by being lucky number eight to be called to the window, so don't screw around. Or was I number seven? Whatever. Has your girlfriend dumped your sorry ass yet for spending all these fall evenings discussing rasslin' with your good buddy, Chrisss?
SkitZ: Not yet. She's one of those broads who's into nerds so naturally, being a pro wrestling enthusiast keeps me in the green. I am however growing annoyed with the increased frequency of these pay per views. Stooping to your level once every three weeks is kind of asking alot.
Chrisss: I haven't looked up the date for Survivor Series, but why do I get the feeling we'll be conversing in another three weeks? Regardless, let's start with the task at hand, shall we?
Kickoff Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Curtis Axel (c.) vs. Big E Langston
I've already seen people complain that the IC title is once again being disrespected by not making it onto the actual Pay-Per-View. Ummm, news-flash people; has any title in the WWE been defended on a pre-show more often than Axel's? Furthermore, this is the perfect match to kick off (I told you that's why WWE calls it that) Hell in a Cell because it's the feud with the least amount of build and neither guy is really over - yet. I don't know about you, but I see loads of potential in this face turn for Big E.
SkitZ: Well WWE usually picks the wrong option for their pre-show/kickoff/glorified dark match so it's refreshing to see them actually get it right for a change. Hennig's proven to be a solid hand in the ring and as long as nobody backstage deems it necessary for Axle to cut a promo before the bell rings, we should be spared any heads in the audience exploding. Most of the attention will fall on Langston while he continues adjusting to his new role. Big E's heel run was on the fast track to nowhere and therefore I don't mind management flipping the switch so suddenly.
Chrisss: Has there been any face turn in recent memory executed better than that of Big E's? From a tag team like the Prime Time Players to divas like The Bella Twins to main-eventers such as Punk and Bryan - I honestly can't tell you when or how they turned face, because it's like they just showed up on Raw one week and were no longer heels "just because". We can't say the same for Big E, who thanks to Punk and Heyman, completed the transition almost perfectly. I'm glad people in Creative are finally waking the fuck up.
Come Sunday, I've seen many people say Langston will be the one to end Axel's extremely "meh" title reign. I don't know about that. It just seems too much, too soon for the master of the five-count.
SkitZ: Yeah I'm not too keen on declaring Big E the next Intercontinental Champion when his face turn only occurred a week ago. Langston could theoretically be the next IC Champ, sure, but expecting so to happen at HIAC is pretty premature. And you best believe SkitZ knows a thing or two about firing off rounds early.
You could make a case that, without Heyman saving his ass on a weekly basis, McGullicutty would've dropped the belt months ago. And if it weren't for the label of being a 'Heyman Guy', Axel would've never captured gold to begin with. It's a motherfucker trying to rate Hennig's four-month reign thus far because he's so goddamn one-dimensional. Judging by how strongly management booked Langston on RAW before Punk made the save however, I'd say we're in for a title swap soon... not Sunday though.
Chrisss: You summed up my thoughts perfectly (for once). Langston could very well be the one to mercifully end Axel's title reign, but I doubt it will be in Miami. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if Axel gets beat up most of the match and gets himself disqualified to retain the title, which leads to a rematch on a future Raw or SmackDown and that's when Big E will capture the gold. This Sunday, though? I wouldn't put money on the Ryblack train just yet.
Chrisss' pick: Axel retains the title
SkitZ's pick: Axel retains the title
Writer's Note: The following is a minor *SPOILER* from this week's SmackDown tapings. Feel free to scroll down if you'd like.
The Real Americans vs. Los Matadores
Chrisss: Well, we knew this match was bound to happen, sooner or later. At least it has a few week of build-up unlike that completely random, last-minute addition of The Real Americans vs. Khali & Santino at Battleground. I'm still shaking my head at that decision. A Cesaro swing on Khali is quite the feat, but PPV worthy? Not exactly.
SkitZ: More or less because we've already witnessed it but fair point. I'm curious as to whether the Creative Team will eventually turn Cesaro face on his own or if the entire trio are slowly transformed into fan favorites. I'm guessing the latter. As for Epico & Primo (oops?), they appeal to a certain demographic, sure, but I'm largely disinterested in the duo. They're like a bad Zorro episode that I can't wake up from.
Chrisss: It depresses me that Colter's troops will most likely be used as enhancement talent this Sunday to try and get Los Matadores over. Which probably won't help at all. Primo & Epico are great wrestlers but their gimmick is just so, so bad.
SkitZ: Holocaust levels of awful. I also find it ironic that Antonio & Swags are being treated like dead weight within the tag team division when they should be competing for hardware. It's whatever though. Zeb is a riot and as long as he's given ample mic time every week, I'll keep my PMSing in check. Los Matadores will prevail at HIAC (even though they shouldn't).
Chrisss: Leave it to Cesaro and Zeb Freakin' Colter to rejuvenate Jack Swagger and make him...likeable? These are strange times we live in. I'd love to see a Cesaro Swing on both Luchadors simultaneously, but since I doubt it will happen, I guess I'll have to settle with a win for Los Matadores. Ole! (away).
Chrisss' pick: Los Matadores win
SkitZ's pick: Los Matadores win
WWE Divas Championship: Aj Lee (c.) vs. Brie Bella
SkitZ: Meh meh meh meh MEH. Is it sad that I would've preferred if AJ & Tamina/Bella Twins had been announced for the event rather than another Lee/Brie rematch? The Geek Goddess and Bryan's fiance don't compliment each other's styles whatsoever and the heat behind their lingering feud is lukewarm at best. Hopefully, the news breaking about AJ & CM Punk dating will refrain WWE from making a boneheaded move and placing the butterfly belt on Brie out of boredom. Bella's undeserving and Lee deserves better. Simple as that.
Chrisss: Are you sure you don't have Twitter or are secretly following my tweets? Because I posted that exact same thought last night (about saving Aj/Tamina vs. The Bellas for HiaC). Nonetheless, I'm amused by the amount of people who are shitting their pants in fear of Brie beating Aj this Sunday to win the title. Unless something happens on SmackDown (me and SkitZ don't do spoilers, folks) that involves Aj beating Brie to the brink of death, Aj is a safe bet to retain on Sunday. No way in hell is she losing three straight matches to Daniel Bryan's main squeeze. Could it happen? There's always a chance hell freezes over, but my gut is telling me Aj has nothing to worry about this weekend, no matter who she's giving the P to.
SkitZ: Well played, Chrissstopher. Well played.
To be honest (Lol @ JBL's comment towards Cody on RAW: "Do you think we expect you to answer dishonestly???"), no I can't picture the flat-chested Bella pinning AJ and seizing the Divas Championship at HIAC. Why Lee is still meddling with Brie is a mystery for the ages. Perhaps because she's an easy win? Fuck I'd rather watch AJ work a program with Eva Marie. Maybe that will paint an appropriate picture for readers in terms of where my current mindset's at.
On a sidenote, I marked the fuck out a week or so ago when Tamina ran up behind Nikki at ringside and started choking her silly. The visual made me laugh my ass off. Is that deplorable on my part?
Chrisss: Not at all. The Entitled Twins are so unlikeable I'm shocked management continues to try and push them as faces. I'll bet you even Total Divas viewers want to slap their faces silly. Surely WWE realizes that sacrificing Aj and her title reign to try and get The Bellas over as faces is a huge error in judgement? I can't see them pulling a double-turn on Sunday, ala Del Rio vs. Ziggler at Payback, so let's just hope Brie is nothing but filler until Survivor Series, where Aj will defend against a much more worthy opponent.
I know you're also a proud member of Team Aj, but do you see her escaping Hell in a Cell with her butterfly belt intact mainly because of Brie's engagement to the Yes-Man and Total Divas returning a few weeks from Sunday?
SkitZ: Lee's popularity and skill set just puts her in another category. That's why I'm hoping AJ retains the belt until WM30. Management could then set up a payoff where a big name returns to thwart The Geek Goddess' efforts. Even if Lee ends up getting squashed, it'll still be a moral victory for AJ as long as her opponent is noteworthy enough.
Having said that though, it's all about knowing/dating people in big places. Once Cena's girlfriend is fully healed from her injury, we could very well be fucked. So lets hope Nikki fractures her other tibia in the meantime while trying to impress John (who's supposedly perfect at everything).
Chrisss: Hah! Amen, brother. I'm not one to wish harm on a wrestler, but I do hope Cena IS actually more injured than he says he is, and Nikki won't be back to 100% herself anytime soon. Does that make me a bad person?
Chrisss' pick: Aj retains the title
SkitZ's pick: Aj retains the title
Handicap Hell in a Cell Match: CM Punk vs. Ryback & Paul Heyman
Believe it or not, I can actually see this match kicking off the PPV. Why? Because at past HiaC PPVs, WWE (damn, that's a lot of anagrams) has made a habit of spacing out their cell matches. Since I seriously doubt Orton vs. Bryan will happen in the first hour, it would make sense for Punk's search for retribution to be the non-kickoff-curtain-jerker. I'm also going to make a bit of a bold prediction here by picking Miami to be the lucky city that sees Punk finally get his hands on Paul Heyman and put this feud to an end, once and for all.
SkitZ: How bold can your prediction be if I second it? We all realized from the start that this Punk/Heyman rivalry would have legs and their interactions are always a blast but its time to turn the page on this chapter. I'm fully prepared for whatever creative throws at Mr. Sobriety next... as long as it definitively concludes his beef with the Paulrus. Actually I wouldn't mind Brooks carrying on with Heyman. Unfortunately, that would entail more matches between Punk, Ryback and Axle which does nothing for me besides bring on instant indigestion.
Chrisss: The key words were "a bit", asswipe. As for Punk, if Orton emerges victorious on Sunday (and actually keeps the title until Survivor Series), then I see the rumoured Punk/Orton Wrestlemania XXX match arriving six months early. Punk has been out of the title picture since February, and since Bryan likely won't be getting a fourth match with Orton next month, then who else could Orton defend against at The Series? As for Ryback, I see one of two things happening post-HiaC - a feud with Big E OR teaming up with Axel to enter the currently hot tag division. Either outcome works for me.
SkitZ: Sheffield is rough on the eyes. I wouldn't mind if the company blended him into the cluttered tag team division but with reports swirling about a planned program with Langston, there may be no escaping Ryback's mediocrity. Admittedly, Skipper tends to bore me a little less in stipulations bouts so there's hope the handicap HIAC match delivers across the board. Except for the fact Ryberg will eat another loss and that'd drop him to approximately 5-78 lifetime on pay per view. I sincerely doubt that's an impressive statistic in any sport.
Chrisss: Yeah, I forgot about the part where Punk's victory means Ryback will suffer PPV loss #631. Oh, well. Becoming a Heyman guy hasn't really boosted Ryback's profile, in my opinion. His reactions haven't improved; all that's changed is he's feuding with actual superstars and not the catering staff. I'm waiting for the day he turns on Heyman and turns back face. Until then, I can't find myself engaged in anything "The Big Guy" does.
I'm a bit worried about the quality of the match, hellish structure be damned. Their match at Battleground was decent, but certainly not PPV-quality. Their HiaC match last year didn't exactly take home the prize for MOTY, either.
SkitZ: Agreed. I certainly wouldn't skip paying any utility bills this month just to watch it that's for damn sure. This bad boy is centered around one theme: Punk finally unleashing hell on Heyman. Match quality is an added bonus in this scenario. If fans watch a Ryback performance and remain at least mildly entertained from start to finish, feel privileged because it occurs about as often as a meteor shower. Heyman offers nothing from a physical standpoint and Punk doesn't exactly appear overjoyed working with Sheffield so don't tune in expecting a hotly contested affair.
Chrisss: To play Devil's Advocate, Punk did have the privilege of working with the likes of Rock, 'Taker, and Lesnar earlier this year so he had to draw the short end of the stick sooner or later, right? I think Sunday is the perfect moment for Punk to get his revenge because what better scenario is there for Punk to get Heyman in an environment that offers nowhere to run, nowhere to hide? I think Ryback will dominate a large portion of the match, but Punk will find a way to incapacitate the man who is not Goldberg, allowing him to wail away on Heyman and wash away the sting from Night of Champions.
Chrisss' pick: Punk wins
SkitZ's pick: Punk wins
Triple Threat Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Goldust & Cody Rhodes (c.) vs. The Shield vs. The Usos
SkitZ: Could the triple threat formula be an easy excuse to hot shot the belts back onto Rollins & Reigns? Not that I have any issue with The Rhodes Boys carrying the Tag Titles but eh... three ways are tricky business. And yes there's a sex joke in there somewhere. The straps were ripped off The Shield rather abruptly and their undoing on RAW two weeks ago could've simply been management capitalizing on Cody & Goldust's momentum.
Chrisss: Highly unlikely. Reigns & Rollins had a firm grip on those titles for quite some time, and I can count on one hand the number of times they defended them. Despite The Real Americans getting more cheers than boos lately (partly because of The Cesaro Swing and partly because of Colter's hilarity on the mic), I feel they're going to be next in line to feud with the winners of this triple threat. So it's a toss-up between The Rhodes Bros. retaining or The Usos finally getting a taste of gold.
Quick question: what in the blue hell happened to The Prime Time Players and their renewed push?
SkitZ: At Night of Champions apparently. I'm wondering whether there was a time stamp on PTP's push to begin with. Me thinks WWE only pushed Young & O'Neil to better the company's standing with gay rights groups after Darren came out publicly. Vince & Co. showed support by booking the duo strong until the media storm died down and once it did, the Prime Time Players were back to jobbin' it on B shows.
Chrisss: Such a shame. I guess they're doomed to being the Kofi Kingston of the tag team division in which they receive multiple, random pushes that never go anywhere. Le sigh...
Back to the matters at hand, I wouldn't mind seeing The Usos get a surprising win, but I like The Rhodes Bros. as a team and once a duo receives a Jim Johnston mash-up for their entrance theme, you know they'll get a decent run with the belts. I'm guessing Coldust retains in a potential show-stealer.
SkitZ: Agreed. The Usos could evolve into a newer Cryme Tyme where they remain insanely over for years without ever capturing gold. A ballsy prediction perhaps but we'll see. The Real Americans are a tough read as Cesaro's growing popularity could spell the end of his partnership with Swagger any day now.
But as for Coldust (as you so generically titled them), I don't envision them holding the straps for any longer than 2-3 months. The Bizarre One's commentary on RAW was hilarious. Trying to stay in character with so many difference personalities clashing must be a bitch. Especially with JBL ad-libbing.
Chrisss: It would not surprise me at all if Cody & Goldy do hold the belts until January/February and when they do drop the straps, it results in one of them turning heel and we finally get that Wrestlemania match they've been wanting to do for years now. Goldust has one last 'Mania moment (Putting over his brother) before riding off into the sunset. Or to become a backstage agent or producer. Whichever.
Chrisss' pick: The Rhodes retain the titles
SkitZ's pick: The Rhodes retain the titles
Hell in a Cell Match for the WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton
In my humble opinion, I don't believe Orton/Bryan III will close out the PPV. Partly because I think Orton will finally win the title (we've been wrong the last two shows in a row) and partly because the company will almost definitely save Cena's return for last. But with the cell in the background, and HBK in the middle, I'm super psyched for this one.
SkitZ: Judging by how minimal of a backstory Cena & Del Rio have, I think it'd be completely fucked up on management's part if they don't put Orton/Bryan on last. Not every Cena return needs to be treated like the new US President being sworn in. Orton/Bryan has dominated WWE's creative process since before SummerSlam and, in terms of card placement, you've gotta book it comparatively.
Chrisss: Ah, but you have to look at it from the company's perspective, not just the fans'. Think back to Over The Limit 2012. Never did the possibility of John Cena vs. Big Johnny main-eventing the Pay-Per-View over Punk vs. Bryan ever cross anyone's mind. Yet that's exactly what happened. From that day onward, I vowed to never rule out John Cena closing out a PPV, no matter who his opponent was.
As for Bryan and Orton, their last two encounters have been, well, disappointing to say the least. Will they finally deliver that MOTY candidate this Sunday or do they simply not mesh well together in the ring?
SkitZ: A myriad of weapons at their disposals and HBK as the Special Guest Referee can't hurt. WWE's version of Hell in a Cell today has erased how often the structure comes into play. The fuckin' cage is so enormous in its current form that there isn't much creativity readily available besides conjuring up new ways to whip your opponent into the steel mesh. HIAC has become nothing more than a novelty. Nonetheless, management has the pieces in place for something special on Sunday. Maybe D-Bry and Randy are saving their best for last? Who knows. I do anticipate a swerve however with HBK costing Danielson the belt.
Chrisss: I find it hilarious how the announcers always hype the HiaC match as "a place that offers no escape - no one can get in, and no one can escape." I guess they forgot how often the wrestlers climbed onto the cell's roof pre-PG era.
I'm hoping The Viper and The Yes-Man have been holding back on their offense and we finally get a PPV-worthy match from the two of them. For the umpteenth time this column, I have to agree with your prediction - Michaels will screw Bryan out of the title. Maybe inadvertently - trying to Sweet Chin Music Orton but accidentally nails Bryan instead? - maybe on purpose. We've called for Orton to leave with the belt since Night of Champions, and we've been wrong every time. Is three times the charm?
SkitZ: Clearly, your poor taste is finally beginning to rub off on me. (Sigh) Dammit I knew this would happen if we spent too much time together. You're clingy, dude. Do something about it. (P.S. -- that's not a hint that you should 'make a move' either. I'm carrying mace... you've been warned.)
Michaels accidentally screwing over Goatface makes sense and could open up more conspiracy theories centered around Shawn's motives and his bromance with Triple H. I can dig it.
It's far more likely, in my opinion, that Bryan wins the Rumble and makes good on his title opportunity at 'Mania than D-Bry surviving as WWE Champion from now until April. So yeah Orton regains the gold due to some shady officiating.
Chrisss: I'm telling you, these twice-a-month PPVs are bad for everyone!
Hmmm, you're not the first to propose a Royal Rumble victory for Bryan, a sit would be the perfect way to get him back in the title picture without forcing him to wrestle Orton for another set of PPVs. However, there's a part of me that strongly believes this year/next year's Rumble match will be CM Punk's to win. But that's a story for another day.
Since we agree that The Face of the WWE will become an 11-time world champion after Sunday (Jesus), I suppose we have one last match to discuss...
Chrisss' pick: Orton wins the title
SkitZ's pick: Orton wins the title
World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto del Rio (c.) vs. John Cena
SkitZ: Is Del Rio versus Juan Cena too much of a stretch? Because I'd rather WWE had taken that route (any other route really) for Cena's return. The whole thing feels extremely rushed and not even in a "Wow that's amazing Cena is coming back so early!" kinda way. More like "Fuuuuuuuck I was just starting to enjoy Cena's absence... Why the hell couldn't he take a longer sabbatical? Goddamn overachievers." If the plan calls for The Franchise Player to swing right in and ruin everything ADR's accomplished this year, I vehemently object.
Chrisss: I see what this is about. I'm not thrilled about Cena's return myself, but you're pissed because he's going to defeat your new favourite wrestler for the world title on his first night back, am I right? Because unless the company is trolling us and Cena won't be in Miami this Sunday (and I'm 99.9% sure he'll be there), I can't see the Latin Hero going over The Golden Boy and retaining his title. Which I am totally fine with, since you and I both now I loathe Del Rio and his current title reign, and I could care less who is responsible for ending it.
But there are two sides to every story. Do you actually see Del Rio walking away still world heavyweight champion?
SkitZ: Realistically, no. But I'm sooooo unbelievably agitated with management and Cena being handed a title he's obviously above as a "Welcome Back!" gift that I shall fight it to the grave. Hence why I'm picking Berty to somehow escape Miami with his World Title. It'll take a miracle shot by a skilled sniper but the low reward factor is undoubtedly worth the risk in my eyes.
Chrisss: Thank God. You were catching up to me in overall correct predictions but now I know I can finish the year triumphant yet again (yay!). I'm not gonna lie, there's always a chance this match is used to help put Del Rio - and the world title - over but that's a bit too farfetched of a guess. Therefore, I'm obviously picking Cena to defeat Berty in an alright match (never been a fan of their in-ring chemistry).
One last question: do you see a Sandow cash-in? A lot of people do, but the dude has been practically non-existent from WWE television in recent weeks.
SkitZ: For the sake of a refreshing twist on the status quo, absolutely. Sandow cashing in his briefcase would kick all kinds of ass. But at the expense of Cena? Ehhhh that requires a hefty dose of naivety and foolish optimism on our parts. Besides, how much good would stealing Cena's thunder honestly do Damien? If history is any indication, the poor bastard would be jobbing to Cena on RAW every Monday for the next 17 weeks. There's no fucking way cashing in on WWE's Poster Boy furthers Sandow's career in the long run.
For a guy who touts himself as an intellectual savior, I'd have to reconsider my unhealthy adoration for Damien if he were to make such a poorly calculated move. Cena has eyes in the back of his head and those are the company officials who wipe his ass on command. I can't picture either of them depriving Cenation of ass candy to the point where it makes him look bad. So in summation, Sandow only cashes in his MITB contract if a third party intrudes and leaves Cena lying unconscious.
Chrisss: That's an interesting theory. Who could that third party be? If you had Ryback in mind, or Big Show turning heel, I'll fire you right now.
Yeah, there have been plenty of struggling midcarders who shot up the card thanks to the magic of MitB but if Sandow cashes in Sunday and IF he's successful, I can't see him holding onto that belt for a lengthy amount of time. So I guess we'll have to see if Cena can do something remotely interesting with the world title.
Alright, I've said my peace. Any parting words for the loyal readers who made it this far?
Chrisss' pick: Cena wins the title
SkitZ's pick: Del Rio retains the title
SkitZ: Yes... I'm truly sorry your weekend is off to such a shitty start because of us. Normally, I'd blame it on Chrissstopher for sucking so much dick but he can't take all the credit.
Wait a minute...
Your Two Centsss: What role (if any) do you think Big Show will play at Sunday's Pay-Per-View?
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