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Posted in: Mr. Tito
Mr. Tito's PHAT Wrestlemania 29 Review, Match Ratings, and Grade
By Mr. Tito
Apr 7, 2013 - 10:48:35 PM

FOLLOW Mr. Tito on Twitter: @titowrestling

Welcome to the Wrestlemania 29 edition of the "Excellence in Column Writing" conducted by yours truly, Mr. Tito. I wrote this review simultaneous with the show and posted it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE...

Away we go... Been reviewing these shows since 1999, brother.

Exactly what does Hurricane Sandy have to do with the WWE hosting Wrestlemania 29 at Met Life Stadium, which the WWE booked well in advance? It's not like WWE is hosting Wrestlemania there in honor of Sandy victims. Funny to hear Governor Christie speaking when the WWE has mostly associated this as a New York City event. In fact, see that set! Lots of New York City stuff!

HOT OPENER was Big Show/Sheamus/Randy Orton versus the The Shield, as I predicted. In my opinion, this is the best choice for the opening match to set things off right. Just baffles me WHY Chris Jericho wasn't in this match instead of Big Show. But hey, those massive chops by Big Show are always fun to watch. Big Show took a beating for a while, making me wonder why he was chosen to be "face in peril". Jesus, Ambrose takes the slaps from Big Show and then the forearms from Sheamus. OUCH! Crazy suicide dive by Rollins and then it was followed by the Shield attemping their Triple Team Powerbomb only to be speared by Big Show! Oh my! Big Show was hoping to get the HOT TAG when Randy Orton took it instead. Big Show was disappointed... Orton waited for Ambrose to get up but caught Rollins off the top rope for the RKO instead. As Orton got up, Reigns speared him and Ambrose pinned with the Big Show looking on... ***1/2, nice opener.

After the match, Randy Orton and Big Show argue and it leads to Big Show turning HEEL on his 2 tag team partners. Wait, when did Big Show turn babyface as he joined Sheamus/Randy Orton's team? Thankfully, Randy Orton didn't turn heel and become the leader of the Shield as the Internet Wrestling Community (IWC) kept insisting was happening. YOU WERE WRONG, SUCKAS!

Thankfully, the WWE will stuff Wrestlemania with promo after promo... I need these times to get up and piss or to catch up on writing this column!

Next up, we have Mark Henry vs. Ryback. We'll see if this New York (New Jersey) is going to be nice or kick it into high gear with the "Goldberg" chants. I thought I heard some "let's go Goldberg" chants early... Both wrestlers started off like blind men at an orgy, as they'd have to feel themselves around. Lots of holds and bearhugs to eat up time. Ryback hits a massive clothesline to open things up and as Ryback tried to hit his Shellshock finisher, Mark Henry grabbed the ropes to force Henry to fall directly on Ryback. 1, 2, 3, Mark Henry actually won the match! Match was very dull and slow until the finish, *1/2. After the match, paramedics tend to Ryback and Henry yells at them to "let him suffer". Ryback puts on a Superman cape and then hits a spinebuster and then a Shellshock finisher. Why couldn't Ryback just win the match? Doesn't make sense...

Special Olympics promo... More of a reminder WHY John Cena shouldn't be turned heel, as the WWE would want John Cena to represent the WWE there. Governor Christie continues his re-election campaign by coming out with Stephanie McMahon to salute Special Olympians.

Tag Team Titles were defended next with Kane/Daniel Bryan defending the titles against Dolph Ziggler/Big E Langston. Good to see the Champions coming out second... Daniel Bryan is quite in New York City (New Jersey). Match started with Ziggler/Bryan and Bryan almost scored the win early... Then, it turned to HOSS fighting with Kane and Big E Langston. Big E reminds me of the extremely thick WWF wrestlers of the 1980's and even has the 1980's haircut to boot! Kane and Ziggler had some good work together... Eventually, Ziggler would fall victim and after Kane knocked Langston off the ring mat, Bryan jumped off the top rope for the win. **1/4. Allows Ziggler to be free to cash in the Money in the Bank, although winning the World Title after getting owned in a tag match earlier isn't good for Ziggler...

There you go... John Cena for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. That's why they shouldn't turn him heel. Who replaces Cena as a spokesperson?

"Fandango is next, time for my bathroom break" said my brother-in-law before the next match. Ouch. Fandango, with a bunch of dancers ahead of him, is up next against Chris Jericho. NOTE TO WWE: I don't pay $75 for HD Pay Per View to see a ticker of people's Tweets. Cut it out! Fandango's inexperience in a WWE ring is showing. He's relying too much on spots in attempt to pass as a good wrestler. That's why you let him earn experience for a year before shoving him onto Wrestlemania. They botched the Lionsault spot (Fandango was too close to the ropes) and when trying to compensate for the error, Jericho attempted the Walls of Jericho. Jericho was then rolled up for a small cradle for Fandango to win. Yuck. *1/2

Miz won the Intercontinental Title from Wade Barrett earlier tonight on the half hour before Wrestlemania. Funny because 2 years ago, Miz retained the WWE Title against John Cena at Wrestlemania 27... Oh, how the mighty has fallen...

P. Diddy is out next and sings "Victory" and then "Mo Money Mo Problems", "All About the Benjamins", and "I'm Coming Home". I love me some Diddy, so I won't bash it. I played the crap out of the No Way Out album during 1997-1998. Makes me think of my Senior year of High School.

At least the Smackdown World Heavyweight Title wasn't defended as the first match this year... Just no where near the Main Event for 2013. Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger is next and the WWE sold it hard with an extensive promo beforehand. Selling it even harder, Zeb Colter shoots on New York City. I wonder what he thinks of New Jersey? Del Rio came out with an enhanced entrance with a remix of his theme and fireworks. This is what you have to do when you're NOT over... Back and forth between each movesets, nothing special. Crowd is silent, although they've been silent all night through this point. Swagger is redoing Kurt Angle Anklelock spots for some heat, but then you realize that it's not Kurt Angle. Colter acts like a heel manager and puts Swagger's foot on the ropes, highlight of the match. Alberto Del Rio eventually slaps on the armlock for the win. **. Makes you wonder what would have happened to this finish if Swagger wasn't arrested on February 19th for driving under the influence and possession.

Up next, the match we've waited for... Undertaker vs. CM Punk. Nice, Living Colour is there to perform for CM Punk's entrance. That band should THANK CM Punk for reviving "Cult of Personality", as I can imagine Punk using it as his theme music is responsible for many iTunes downloads. New York City (New Jersey) crowd is pumped, as I wonder how they'll cheer this match. Aggressive to start, and I notice that Punk has an extra kick to his step. "Undertaker, CM Punk" chants to confirm some balance here in the crowd. Nice counter to OLD SCHOOL by CM Punk! Why other wrestlers haven't thought about simply dropping to cause an arm drag, I'll never know. Now, CM Punk attempts his own OLD SCHOOL to taunt the Undertaker. Foolish Punk would later try OLD SCHOOL again, but of course, it failed. Punk has been on the offensive for most of the match, hitting high impact moves or squeezing Undertaker on the mat with various holds. Punk tried the GTS but was reversed into a Chokeslam. 2 count only! Last Ride on the Table was countered, but damn, the Undertaker took a Macho Man Elbow from CM Punk on the table and the table did NOT give! To quote "Ravishing" Rick Rude on commentary for ECW in 1997, "that was a solid oak table!". Hells Gate reversed into a pin an then Anaconda Vice. But the Undertaker sat up! Chokeslam and then GTS countered... Tombstone and CM Punk kicked out of it! Holy cow! CM Punk reversal of Chokeslam saw the referee go down and then CM Punk eventually got out of the Last Ride Powerbomb by hitting Undertaker with the Urn! Close 2 count only! Series of reversals of the GTS and Tombstone and then the Undertaker powered Punk into a Tombstone for the 1, 2, 3. 21-0, STREAK CONTINUES. I declare this a 5-STAR classic and give it the MATCH OF THE YEAR label for 2013 so far. Hot damn! *****

WWE ran a promo on John Cena, making me think that the WWE was boldly going to do John Cena vs. Rock next... But, the WWE has been running Rock/Cena stuff all night, should have known. The next match was Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H. Uh oh, Shawn Michaels at ringside... He added the drama last year, we'll see about this year. Brock seems to have some added muscle mass, which may have come with the 1 year extension he signed... Hmmm... What the hell, did someone spray Triple H with a fire extinguisher? I'm laughing because my friends were calling it Asbestos or Anthrax on his belly to get the advantage on Brock. LOL! Triple H, early on, clotheslined Lesnar off the railing and Lesnar landed on his head. We'll see if that harms the match... Crowd is dead to start, but then again, they just witnessed the probable match of the night. Then again, they aren't doing unique things to start... Brock suplexed Triple H through the table that CM Punk/Undertaker couldn't break... Lesnar is looking great tonight and hitting suplex after suplex. He's head and shoulders above about everyone in the WWE. Shawn got involved and got a F5 for his efforts. It distracted Triple H enough to deliver a Pedigree, but 2 count only. Triple H tried to bring in a sledgehammer but got kicked before using it, F5, 2 count only. Lesnar has the arm bar locked in, as I'm confused about the rules up front because the ropes aren't breaking the hold. Triple H eventually slammed Brock out fo the armbar and then worked Brock's arm. Triple H tries his own arm bar. Paul Heyman tried to interfere with a chair but Shawn Michaels wakes up and delivers Sweet Chin Music. Brock picks HHH up and slams him on the steps... Triple H reapplied the armbar and Brock slams him on the steps again. Triple H reapplies it again and Brock slams him on the steps again, but it appears that Triple H applied a DDT on the next slam on the stairs. Sledgehammer to Brock's head, Pedigree on the Steps, and Triple H wins. Do you hear that folks? Millions flushed down the toilet by letting a former UFC Champion go 1-2 upon his return. **** Good match, but just no heat because we saw this match before and Punk/Taker ruled so much. Disagree on the finish, as Brock should be built up strong and Triple H is barely a part time wrestler these days.

Nice looking WWE Hall of Fame class for 2013... Bruno Sammartino standing there just blows my mind. Just amazing.

New Orleans = Wrestlemania 30. Seems like many sporting events are gravitating down there.

80,676 is the attendance of Wrestlemania 29. FYI...

I guess we didn't get the Damian Sandow/Cody Rhodes/Bella Twins vs. TEAM HOSS & Funkadelics due to time restrictions. Oh well, we'll suffer through it during RAW tomorrow.

And now, the MAIN EVENT... John Cena comes out first, as the Rock, the WWE Champion, comes out second. WWE did it right tonight with champions, thank God. Cena got booed heavily upon his entrance. Still don't understand the Rock's tattoo on the left side of his body, and better yet, how lazy Hollywood is by not covering it up in his recent movies. To star the match, the Rock and Cena just hit move after move without much emotion. Crowd is DEAD for this match so far and that shouldn't be for 2 of the top WWE superstars of all time. Oh yeah, these fans saw this match last year... Now, their more effective trademark moves come out, such as the STFU, attempted People's Elbow, and 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Rock Bottom, Attitude Adjustment, and then a People's Elbow. There is ZERO psychology applied to this match and these two are all time greats? It certainly is "KICK OUT OF EVERYBODY'S FINISHER" night... And this match has Rock and Cena imitating each other's finishers. Finally, some psychology of Cena remembering last year's finish by holding onto the ropes when mocking Rock's People's Elbow. WAY too many Rock Bottom/Attitude Adjustment attempts. After many reversals, Cena hits one last Attitude Adjustment to win the WWE Title. *** Zero psychology as both wrestlers were robotically hitting move after move without any emotion behind it. I DO NOT want to see a 3rd match of this dull stuff. After the match, the 2 shake hands and Rock is left in the ring to end Wrestlemania and NOT the champion John Cena.

LAST WORD: The show delivered on the Undertaker vs. CM Punk and that should hold as a legitimate "Match of the Year" candidate for much of the year. The rest of the show, well, was just OK. Didn't seem like the other parts of the Triple Main Event with Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar or Rock vs. John Cena brought anything unique to the table. Good to decent matches, but nothing special that we'll remember for years to come. The show was just too predictable and the WWE Creative Team should try to change it up. Despite the hefty High Definition price this year, I'm a satisfied customer merely for hanging out with my friends and having the privilege of seeing CM Punk vs. Undertaker light it up. Otherwise, the show was just OK... I'll go B- (B minus) for my grade this year's Wrestlemania. Enjoyed the show, but found myself bored during parts or all of other matches besides Undertaker vs. CM Punk.

So just chill til the next episode...

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