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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Survivor Series... Will We Survive It?
By Al Laiman
Nov 16, 2012 - 11:57:24 PM

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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Survivor Series... Will We Survive It?

Remember how awesome it was when they announced that first Survivor Series match? Those who read me every week will likely remember my optimism and excitement over the Punk/Foley angle unfolding, despite the teams being predictably announced, and Foley disappointing everyone by not being one of the wrestlers on his own team. Still, the match was something different. It was exciting, as was the idea of the imminent Dolph Ziggler/John Cena match, despite the soap opera/Unsolved Mysteries booking and highlight videos surrounding it. Even with the silliness, Survivor Series was shaping up to be pretty damn awesome.

What the hell happened?

Those of you who read the comment section will recall that I've named what happened with the main event "Just Kidding Booking." That is where they spend an entire episode to build up a feud, a main event match, and a storyline, only to go: "Haha, just kidding, we're completely changing that match on the spot because immediate reception wasn't what we'd hoped it would be. Let's have Dolph Ziggler take Punk's place, because... He's a heel, right? Now we have a triple threat title match, but a Survivor Series match that makes no sense. But hey, let's continue having Punk and Foley go back and forth, as well as Ziggler and Cena, because I'm sure we'll eventually get to that. I'm so glad we worked all of this out!"

Yes, the Survivor Series match is between Team Foley and Team Ziggler. Dolph and Foley have interacted, but it's been a long damn time, and even when the match was changed, Foley's appearances were still concentrated on Punk. He assembled his own Avengers to take out the evil CM Loki, but nope, just kidding. Let's have a triple threat match, have both members of it go over the champion cleanly in those two weeks, and it'll all come together.

Then hey, remember that ref that screwed Ryback out of the title? Let's give him a ton of mic time, build up his debut, have him face Ryback, talk to Paul Heyman backstage, and then come out and get ruthlessly slaughtered for an agonizingly-long squash match with nothing building from it whatsoever. That's exciting television, right?

Then let's add a voice-over to the opening videos of RAW, because that really doesn't make it sound fake at all. We can argue all we want about who ripped it off from who, but it sounds cheesier than a Green Bay Packers home game, so that'll make it even more entertaining, right? It's not bad enough that the inane storyline that involves stealing security footage and illegal wiretapping is just glossed over to catch two single people in an affair, despite it not actually being an affair because they're single, but let's add all of these together with a cheesy voice-over summarizing this moronic angle that could've led to an awesome match, and continue to build it up more than the main event, despite the fact that we put the kibosh on their match because some people might've negatively tweeted about it immediately after announcing it. If we can't trust social media to lead us in the right direction, what hope is there?

Oh I forgot, let's make Big Show world champion. Remember how exciting he was after he turned heel and signed an IRONCLAD contract? Remember the silence and how we discovered any of his segments and matches were the greatest cure for insomnia we've ever found? Yeah, let's throw a belt on him and see if that'll help! People always clamor for a world champion that makes them prefer naptime over finishing their segment, right? Gotta keep those Nielsen ratings glued to their TV sets!

As I'm sure you've noticed from the last few 30 Thoughts, not to mention this rant, I've gone from being really excited about Survivor Series to levels of apathy normally reserved for Big Show vs. Randy Orton matches. It's a damn shame, because that main event could've been seriously awesome.

Remember a few weeks ago when they said that Vince was furious over the writing staff and demanded that things started getting better? For a while, it did. Before a few weeks ago, there was a string of shows where RAW was really interesting, and I was giving it mostly positive reviews. The last few weeks have been a serious trainwreck, and with the WrestleMania season around the corner, this is not the time to have a collapse like this.

I'll be viewing Survivor Series with my buddy Chris, and I really hope to JBL they pull a miracle out of this disaster that it seems to be. I know some of you enjoy my rants, but I honestly really want to enjoy the show. I'd rather make jokes while enjoying the product than spend half the show wishing it was over so I could go to bed already.

I know a lot of you changed your mind on ordering the show after the snow globe method of booking the show, and I don't blame you. I'm going for the company, not the show itself, and I'll spend the evening hoping they can cure my cynicism with something surprisingly good. If they don't, well... At least there's beer and doing commentary in my Wade Barrett voice to mock it.


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