IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... Survivor Series '012
By Al Laiman
Nov 18, 2012 - 11:52:52 PM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Survivor Series... LIVE
All right, jadies and lentlemen of the Interwebs, I am going to bring you my thoughts as Survivor Series LIVE unfolds. If you saw my preview of the show that I posted on Friday, you know that I'm not expecting a great deal after the mess that was the Survivor Series booking. However, many of you have commented on the strong 2012 Pay-Per-View efforts of WWE, so I'm trying my best to keep an open mind.
1. We're starting off with one of the traditional Survivor Series matches, and I approve of this message. Better yet, the show starts immediately with torturing my dearly beloved sister! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! Captain Brodus and the Funkateers will be teaming up with GabriKidd and MysteriCara. The two luchadors appear to be taking over for John Cena as the Mr. Komens for the time being. They'll be taking on Team ATTPEPTP, otherwise known as Team No Reaction.
2. The Funkateers are dressed like a Dothraki poured a golden crown on them. The quality of the wrestling itself in the opening contest is quite top notch. Both teams have their hosses, but the rest could end up stealing the show for their respective match. In case you haven't heard, Jimmy Jacobs 2.0 loves to sky dive. Just so you're aware.
3. I'm running on battery here, so my thoughts may not be as defined as they usually are, but I'll do my best. Sin Cara, when he's not messing things up, is rather fun to watch. He'll also be the first taking the cheap heat, and he'll do his best to summon his inner Dolph Ziggler to make them all look good. Brodus gets tagged in to a pretty huge reaction, especially considering how his push was murdered earlier this year, and it sets off a huge high spot to the outside that is damn impressive. This is where the commercial break would be if this was on television. AT&T gets the first pin on Brodus, an elimination between my sister's two favorite wrestlers of all time, and the cheap heat goes back in on Justin Gabriel, before he eliminates the other hoss from the match. Remember when he went over Punk and Cena after his debut? How'd that end up? As Chris's dad just said, "Now we can have a wrestling match."
4. The Montreal Screwjob is of course referenced as Tyson Kidd eliminates someone with the Sharpshooter, and I'm very glad this match is getting some time. Mysterio comes in and Primo is nice enough to arm drag himself into the ropes for a missed 6-1-9 attempt before getting eliminated. The faces of the tag team division end up looking fantastic here as Darren Young takes all the high-flying finishers. Overall, a fun, unexpected match that got a good amount of time to develop.
5. At first I got excited because WWE was nice enough to save us from another Kaitlyn match, and I'm not exactly sure who it was in the fake blonde wig. This is a good time to eat my food and not give a shit.
6. So Eve retained the title, and to the surprise of absolutely no one, Claudio Castagnoli retained the US title against the TROOF. At least two things were entertaining during my absence. One, the face segment for the Survivor Series team, where Randy Orton's bland disinterest worked in his favor for once. Two, JBL on commentary is gold, no matter how bad what is happening on the screen at the time. Now they're back to encouraging people because they're going to play Touts. Oh goodie, just what I was hoping for on a Pay-Per-View!
7. I turned my computer back off during the next long delay between anything interesting. We got a segment that should've been saved for Monday Night RAW, where AJ introduced photoshopped images of Vickie because of the puns that could be introduced. I doubt if they realize how suggestive the word "slobberknocker" can be when inferring that people are hooking up. Who makes the sneak attack? I wasn't sure until they said it was Tamina, who is now dressed like Andy Warhol accidentally walked into Hairspray and spilled everything on her outfit.
8. There is an awful lot of filler on this for a major Pay-Per-View. For a show that started off very promising, we haven't had a damn thing happen since. Now that the World Heavyweight Title match is coming up, I realize it's over an hour into this show and we've had one good match and two forgettable ones. That is not a good sign, but hopefully the rest of this card can pick it up. Lobsterhead and Show need to replicate their effort from a month ago while making the first two-thirds of the match interesting as well.
9. Sheamus is summoning Ken Shamrock for an Intensity +1, and it's doing quite well for his crowd reception. This was also needed to freshen up his character a bit, as he could take what worked during his heel run and face-ify it. You can be a badass who destroys everyone and still be a face. Big Show decides that the match was too interesting and silences the crowd with breathtaking awesome so stimulating that even Shiima Xion would stand in awe.
10. Big Show's long, uninteresting offensive stretches make having beer a wonderful thing.
11. Why do you think Big Show wears camo? He couldn't hide with a shrink ray in Rick Moranis' backyard. Like last time, the match starts getting really good as they trade WrestleMania endings with each other. It is still ridiculously impressive that Sheamus can lift Big Show like he does.
12. A wayward Brogue Kick knocks out the ref, albeit because Big Show pulled him in the way. It ends up being a cheap distraction ending, which was rather anti-climactic compared to last month, but at the same time, it does help Sheamus save face a bit. Another referee comes down and reverses the decision by disqualification, which makes Show get bleeped out, despite the fact that it's on Pay-Per-View. He gets a legitimate laugh when he calls the refs morons.
13. SHEAMUS SMASH! Lobsterhead goes absolutely nuts Rock '99 style on Show, sans the headshots. This is either setting up a chairs match for next month, or giving Ziggles an opportunity to cash in. Some cities, the crowd would already be chanting for that.
14. In an ironic twist, given how Big Show's heel turn happened in the first place Sheamus tells him to beg for him not to hit him with the chair anymore. We don't get ten minutes of Show crying into the mic, but we do get a second of mercy before a BOOT TO THE HEAD! to finish it off. I'm guessing with the lack of "I Am Perfection," this sets up the rubber match for next month's Pay-Per-View.
15. The Black Hole of Charisma is the first to make his entrance on the Heel Team, and they decided to replace Cody Rhodes with Hollaback Masterpiece. They show the replay of the fall that Rhodes took, and... damn. It's not Sabu-cringeworthy, but it's close. I honestly can't tell if the crowd is dead for these guys or if it's just noisy in here. I'm pretty sure that Dolph Ziggler got a decent face pop, but that could just be the location here. The members of this match now look like they just got off the short-bus to Randomtown. Mick Foley is introduced with his own entrance, even though he's not even wrestling. Dolph Ziggler says a few words in his direction, which is a first for this feud.
16. The Miz has either turned face, or he's just pulling the act to screw over Kofi Kingston. Either way, the face team dominated the first classic Survivor Series match, so I'm expecting some form of a heel screwjob here. Hopefully it's not another vehicle to get Alberto Del Rio yet another title shot, that's all I have to say.
17. Kofi Kingston gets the early shine, and the crowd comes alive as always when Danielson gets tagged into the match. Sandow tries to walk out on the match, but Kane will have none of it. For a guy who seemed to be getting a push toward the main event, Snadow sure has taken a few very one-sided losses as of late. Daniel Bryan gets really pissed, and Kane throws him out of the ring, but this gives Ziggles a chance to take advantage.
18. Miz and Orton then start arguing, but Ziggler can't take advantage of that, because it's Randy Orton of course. Kofi gets more time to shine as his newfound aggression and experience with Dolph Ziggler works wonders. Wade Barrett has decided that interchangeable generic trunks of different colors makes for a magnificent wardrobe.
19. Hollaback Masterpiece thankfully gets eliminated early in the match. If this match comes down to Del Rio and Orton, I'm gonna break something. Kofi gets taken out by the man who fishes with his bare hands. Daniel Bryan gets another nice shine to bring the crowd back into it after a face elimination. He tries to get the NO! Lock on Del Rio, and unfortunately he doesn't just put on the Cattle Mutilation and call it a night. Instead, Del Rio goes over someone far more interesting than he could ever be for the 23423432nd time.
20. Miz and Orton show some tension, but still work together as a team. Del Rio does his armbreaker move to set up for his submission, but for some reason goes for a pinfall instead cause... that makes psychological sense. I'm still amazed at the massive pops Miz is getting, regardless of his intentions. He sets up for his finisher on Barrett, but gets kicked right in the fuck instead. Miz counters again and gets a big win over Barrett before a near-fall against Del Rio, who to his credit sold his DDT like pure awesome.
21. Miz ends up also putting over the Black Hole of Charisma, so that yet again Randy Orton can play Sole Survivor. Oh great, I was so hoping for this... All that work building up the Miz just so that we can put over the guy whose manager is more interesting than he is yet again.
22. I'll give Randall credit, that dropkick was seriously awesome. Chris just remarked that they'll give Del Rio a new theme song and call it "Lack of Personality."
23. Ricardo tries to interfere, but eats a mouth full of Socko for his troubles. Am I the only one who finds it weird that he just used Socko and said "Bang Bang!" at the same time? Orton eliminates Del Rio, I suppose being the lesser of two evils in that context, and gives a facial expression that would frighten children. Once again, I'll give him credit for changing his facial expression, since he doesn't do that very often, and it was legitimately intimidating.
24. Do you think they're trying to build up Randy Orton at Survivor Series like they have the Undertaker at WrestleMania? That would add some intrigue to the event at least.
25. AH! RANDY ORTON HAS BLOOD DRIPPING FROM HIS MOUTH! HIDE THE EYES OF THE CHILDREN! BLOOD! IT'S GOING TO RUIN LINDA'S SENATE CAMPA... I MEAN IT'S GOING TO CAUSE THE RAPTURE ON THE KIDS WHO WILL BE PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND WATCHING WALKING DEAD AFTER THIS! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
26. To my absolute surprise, Dolph Ziggler beats Randy Orton, and in all the matches they've had, Ziggles finally gets a win against him while at the same time getting a credible win that he desperately needed. Mick Foley looks at the fallen Randy Orton, who couldn't take out the makeshift team that was put together to fight someone who wasn't even in the match anymore.
27. The main event is finally here, and we'll see which streak will go longer... Punk's title reign, or Ryback being in matches less than fifteen minutes long. Turns out that Cena also has an undefeated streak at Survivor Series, so we'll see if that one gets broken as well. For some reason, Ryback is getting the champion's entrance, but I'll ignore that in hopes that Punk retains and we get Rock vs. Punk at the Royal Rumble. I don't want to see Cena vs. Rock headline both the Rumble and WrestleMania, and I don't want to see Ryback with the title yet at all.
28. The standoff between Ryback and Cena is teased while that pesky Punk continually interrupts it. Bork Laser interference in this match would be very welcome if it determined the appropriate outcome. He can just say he did it for The Rock. Cena tries to get the better of the T-1000, but the Master of the Invisible Pyro uses all the loudness in his outfit to overcome the odds, Cena-style. Punk gives two classic facial expressions in a row as he goes from "I so got this" to "HOLY SHIT PUT ME DOWN!" in two seconds flat.
29. RyVD continues to dismiss Cena and Punk's attempts to end his great deal of consumption, but it ends up in a square-off between Punk and Cena as their rivalry that all started by spilling Punk's diet soda continues. RyVD reasserts his presence by completely no-selling a powerslam from Cena. Cena tries to come back, but gets pulled out by Punk. I just sneezed five times in a row, and Chris said he was paying more attention to that than Ryback's offense. Cena gets the STF on Ryback, but Punk breaks it up with a nice elbow drop on both of them. The Boo-Yay punch exchange takes place between Cena and Punk, and Punk gets the face cheers. Even faking a heart attack can't get this guy heat in some places. They actually start working together in order to take out Ryback, and in a crowning moment of awesome for this show, they suplex him through the announce table. Punk and Cena start going full-tilt, and Punk kicks out of an AA. He ends up locking in the STF, but Ryback pulls him out of the ring and gives him the Clothesline from Skynet. He follows it up by giving one to Punk. Ryback hits his finisher, but Cena breaks it up. He ends up eating it himself, and just as that happens, three random guys in cop uniforms attack him. Is it the Mean Street Posse? I caught the names of Moxley and Black, but I missed the third one. Punk gets the win because of it.
30. Overall, this show wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. It was worth a watch only because I didn't pay for it, but I got to spend the time with a few good friends and listen to their interesting commentary, so that made up for it.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
I think it's gotta go to AJ. It wasn't much of a hammy night.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
10-1-12 – Ricardo Rodriguez
10-8-12 - JR
10-15-12 - Kane
10-22-12 - Daniel Bryan
10-29-12 - 3MB
11-5-12 - John Cena
11-12-12 - Daniel Bryan
11-18-12 - AJ
IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S EPISODE