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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Recap of Summerslam Live Tweets
By Al Laiman
Aug 18, 2013 - 11:49:37 PM

7:49 - They only saved RVD for his stash.

7:52 - Oh goodie, I was anticipating the day they'd bring back Tout! #Headdesk

7:53 - Looks like they're setting up for the not-Inferno match to kick off the show.

7:55 - If they don't play Johnny Cash for this match, it's a missed opportunity.

8:01 - Well apparently the sound for the Giants/Colts game in PA is more important, so I won't be able to comment on any reactions.

8:03 - Oh Miz, you've been reduced to being a shmuck in a tux.

8:07 - Can we have the Great Khali singing the National Anthem just once?

8:10 - I guess Kane sort of abandoned that soldering iron mask that never really did anything.

8:11 - Damn this bar for removing the enjoyment of the Wyatt Family entrance for preseason football that's not even regional.

8:15 - Looks like an inferno match that's totally not an inferno match. Your one thought in this situation: "I hope the ropes don't break."

8:17 - It was nice of WWE to give an indy kid a nice payday to pretend to be Tommy Gavin for a night.

8:18 - OH NO! That stick was almost sort of on fire! RUN!

8:19 - That explosion of fire on high impact moves does look cool as hell.

8:20 - Two matches, two huge meddling shenanigans. Hopefully that means a main event without any.

8:25 - It was nice of the Wyatts to assist Kane to the back after crushing his head like that.

8:30 - Sandow is next, complete with that briefcase he made in 7th grade woodshop.

8:31 - For a minute, I thought the mustache-less Cody Rhodes was AJ Styles.

8:34 - Damien Sandow's beard just begs for just one "THIS IS... SPARTA!" in his career.

8:36 - I guess even Sandow thought Cody was AJ Styles, cause he just went all Samoa Joe and hit the Musclebuster.

8:38 - Well, Sandow loses again. I guess they're going for the Ziggler method of WHC MITB winners.

8:41 - I really don't care about any of these three-judges-watch-a-singer shows. Any of them.

8:44 - Christian will be matched up here against the recently-discovered cure for insomnia.

8:49 - As much as I never cared for ADR's personality, he does make his moves look vicious.

8:50 - ‏@Aaronman99

@AlLaimanLOP Oh he's a great in-ring worker. But man, he just has next to no personality. He's a Latin Tyson Kidd

@Aaronman99 Tyson Kidd at least had that small lock of hair. That was more interesting than Alberto Del Rio.

8:52 - @sambyrne93

@AlLaimanLOP Y'know when smart fans cheer for heels? Yeah, Del Rio doesn't. Y'know when people boo good heels? He doesn't know that either.

8:53 - Okay, that backstabber counter off the turnbuckle was awesome.

8:55 - The best part of no audio is at least I don't have to listen to Cole and Lawler attempt to make sense.

8:56 - Christian's reaction on that kickout looked like ADR just stole his Stretch Armstrong and wouldn't give it back.

8:57 - After a 6-1-Christian, he gets kicked in the face and barely kicks out.

8:58 - GORE! GORE! GORE! BY GOD! VINTAGE CHRISTIAN! Oh wait... It didn't bother him at all.

9:00 - Del RIo's title reign continuing isn't enough, we get a promo to follow up. Thank JBL I can't hear it.

@Neil_Pollock79

@AlLaimanLOP consider yourself very fortunate. One of his worst yet.

@Neil_Pollock79 Is that even possible?

9:04 - I can only imagine Lawler's talking about how he once gave up his job for The Kat.

9:05 - Total Divas promos. That reminds me that I did bring my GRRM book.

9:06 - Does this match exist for any other reason than Total Divas is a thing... and it's popular, for some reason?

9:07 - Why do the Bellas look like a game of backgammon?

9:08 - Bret Hart gives this a 4/10.

9:10 - It's a shame that Natty has to pretend the Entitlement Twins can wrestle.

9:13 - Good, at least the actual wrestler of the two won.

9:15 - Nothing screams Pay-Per-View like a mid-show Doritos commercial.

9:16 - Time for another Ryback #BeaStar backstage interaction.

9:18 - "Every time I see Bork Laser, I think he looks like a fat Albino gerbil." - @Thenikigurl

9:23 - @DarthSpiker and I just got into a three-minute series of Warrior impressions.

9:24 - "Bork Laser is proof that Neanderthals did more than fight." - @Thenikigurl

9:25 - This is not gonna end well for Mr. Brooks.

9:26 - Brock Lesnar gets his protein from Jimmy John's. Can you tell?

@TripleRLOP

@AlLaimanLOP and Sable gets her protein from Brock Lesnar.

9:28 - Punk is repeatedly getting punched in the fuck in this match. Punk is countering with numerous high-risk attacks.

9:30 - That's the first time I've ever seen Bork Laser hit the Ghetto Stomp.

9:31 - No matter what happens in this match, Punk looks like a badass just for surviving these attacks.

9:36 - Punk looks like he's nearly blinded from his eyes being full of Lesnar's body oil.

9:37 - Bork Laser take boot to head ow.

9:38 - Bork Laser take nother boot to head ow.

9:39 - That was a pretty badass counter to the GTS. Now for the move that broke DX's arms.

9:40 - Punk is showing how much he learned from Taker with a Hell's Gate. Even a powerbomb can't break it.

9:42 - This is becoming a multiple-tribute match. Bork just hit the Three Amigos.

9:44 - All this match needs is a KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

9:45 - Macho Man elbow plus-chair. These two are putting on a clinic.

9:46 - Punk grabbed Heyman's tie! ZOMGZFIRED!

9:47 - What a counter to the F-5!

9:49 - Punk shot Heyman in the face, but pays for it with a sick-looking F-5 on the chair.

9:50 - Perfect ending for this feud to continue. Punk has now been destroyed and can recover for an amazing payoff.

9:53 - Punk getting a rare losing-effort standing ovation. Well deserved. What a match.

@theactualporter

@AlLaimanLOP if that doesn't get a Meltzer 5-star dude need to retire

‏@JericoGatjens

@ChrisssLOP @AlLaimanLOP This is a rematch I wouldn't mind to see in Wrestlemania... MOTY

9:54 - Oh sweet merciful JBL, someone in the bar not only put Toby Keith on, but turned it up louder than a techno rave. #Migraine

9:57 - Smart move not putting those fans in front of the Spanish announce table. That never ends well.

9:58 - Did Big E just try to do the LeBron?

10:01 - I assume WWE wants everyone to skip this match and tune into Total Divas.

10:03 - @WorldZWrestling

Big E just hit Ziggler right in the fuck #AlLaiman

10:05 - Ziggler wins in convincing fashion in the cooldown match. Now bring on the one everyone came to see.

10:08 - I was in the grocery store today and they already have Trick or Treat sales up. And I thought Christmas came too early...

10:13 - That can't be Triple H, he didn't spit water!

10:14 - I wish I could hear the reaction for Daniel Bryan. This could be a true star-making night for him.

@ZebstrikaX_ing

@AlLaimanLOP it's incredible mate. Deafening 'Yes' vs deafening boos. Even the usual higher pitched shrieks aren't audible.

10:17 - Nothing sets the mood for the main event like Usher's "Nice and Slow."... Aroogas, you're killin' me, Smalls!

10:20 - Nothing like some good chain-wrestling to start a main event.

@DarthSpiker

@AlLaimanLOP Chain smoking may work too, especially if they go for the predictable outcome.

10:22 - Both of these guys are on their A-Game tonight, and there's just that aura that this will be something special.

10:23 - Bryan's gone face-first into the table and been suplexed off the chairs. Cena's not messing around.

10:26 - I still can't hear it, but just seeing the crowd react is amazing.

10:27 - Dammit, even Bryan hasn't learned that you don't go for a clothesline after two shoulder blocks.

10:29 - Cena's heeling it up a little bit. That's a nice change, to actually react to a hostile environment instead of pretending it's not there.

@DarthSpiker

If only the E fans knew the "you're gonna get your fucking head kicked in" thing...this would be appropriate

10:30 - Two match of the year candidates in one night. This is what I came to see.

10:32 - Obligatory AA kickout in the main event.

10:33 - Bryan just hooked on a superplex and... I think he Hulked up...

10:34 - That legdrop looked absolutely ruthless.

10:37 - Matches like this remind me why I am a wrestling fan. And music like this reminds me why I LOATHE country.

10:38 - Cena just outdid the Clothesline From Hell. #BetterThanWrestleMania

10:41 - Even if Bryan loses, he's reached elite with this.

10:43 - Yes! Yes! That Shining Wizard was unreal!

10:44 - Cena put him over clean. #respect

10:46 - I haven't had goosebumps for a match like this in a decade.

10:48 - I guess so many people saw it coming that they figured "hey, go with predictable. They won't expect that!"

#fuckorton

10:49 - Orton wins the WWE title and still doesn't have a facial expression. #fuckorton

10:51 - So the show ends with the twist that everyone saw coming, so they just went with it. #fuckorton

@JohnPaulKeith1

@AlLaimanLOP Please cry about it during your entire radio show like you do every week. #hater

@JohnPaulKeith1 Thanks for listening.

...

So... Now that I've driven home and thought about it... The overall direction of this storyline could make Daniel Bryan into an even bigger star. Yes, I admit that, and despite leaving that place feeling deflated, I can't help but feel it wasn't all for nothing. That being said though, they did sacrifice the defining moment of Daniel Bryan's rise to give Randy Orton a 10th world title reign. Now my two least favorite WWE wrestlers hold both of the world titles and can compete with each other in a blandness duel.

That being said though, two match of the year candidates tonight, and two interesting ways those storylines can go. Punk needed to lose to be able to rise again, and well... I really hope the other one is going somewhere other than the further career massaging of Randy Orton. If they're really going to press this "Bryan vs. The Establishment" I dig it. Great show tonight though, really. I'm also flattered that haters tune into my radio show. See you Tuesday.

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