IN LAIMAN'S TERMS Presents: The First Annual Hammy Awards
By Al Laiman
Dec 22, 2012 - 8:34:11 PM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS Presents: The First Annual Hammy Awards
AL LAIMAN: Ladies, gentlemen, and those who aren't sure yet... Welcome to the first annual presentation of the Hammy Awards. There are those of the InterNational Timetested Entity Rewarding Nefariously Entertaining Testaments World Community, AKA INTERNET WC, from here on out referred to as the IWC, who are not sure what a HAM is. I refer you to TV Tropes for the official explanation.
A ridiculously larger-than-life character... Full of energy, joie de vivre, blood as hot as the surface of the Sun and poetically powerful speeches with dramatic gestures that can devastate a scene to a billion pieces and transform the most soul-crushingly boring into the most EPIC.
They usually lack an indoor voice, and greatly relish badass boastings where they will punctuate and emphasize EVERYTHING. The first line from the Large Ham will be dramatic, portentous, often just before the act break and can almost always be replaced with: "Did somebody order A LARGE HAM?!" Try it at home; it's great fun.
Popular implementations include: Brian Blessed in Britain, William Shatner in North America, and Norio Wakamoto in Japan. Many large hams in the past have some experience in stage acting and theater: when you have to poetically act for the back rows (especially when coupled with music) it makes sense. Having an outrageous appearance is helpful but not a requirement. While often male, female actors can pull it off, but it's rarer for them. Often cast as a one scene wonder, or a key redeeming element in shows that are So Bad, It's Good.
courtesy of tvtropes.org
AL LAIMAN: Now, for the Al Laiman implementation of the weekly Ham, it isn't quite as specific as the Tropers list it, but is specifically reserved for the most enjoyably over-the-top moment on a weekly broadcast or Pay-Per-View. It also sometimes can be applied to doing something really stupid, such as thinking that nobody read the HAM Award in the first place and leaving it off for a week, but thank JBL that I've never done that...
AL LAIMAN: I now present you with all of the Large Hams awarded throughout the entirety of 2012. The January 2nd episode was excluded due to the award being created the next week, and the final two RAWs will also be excluded due to what I believe to be a well-deserved vacation. That, and I have tickets to see Louis CK on New Year's Eve, so... Yeah.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
10-1-12 – Ricardo Rodriguez
10-8-12 - JR
10-15-12 - Kane
10-22-12 - Daniel Bryan
10-29-12 - 3MB
11-5-12 - John Cena
11-12-12 - Daniel Bryan
11-18-12 - AJ
11-19-12 - Paul Heyman
11-26-12 - Damien Sandow
12-3-12 - Damien Sandow
12-10-12 - Dolph Ziggler
12-17-12 - Kane/Bryan/Flair/Simmons
AL LAIMAN: When the Hams commenced, I originally thought that the TROOF would win HAM of the Year without issue. Then along came Big Johnny and People Power, where he decided to stop being an insufferably boring waste of space. A WrestleMania squash match turned the former world champion into an overnight sensation based on two of the most simple words in the English language. A hand that was born in 1999 came of age for RAW 1000... Yes, there is a realm of existence where that sentence makes sense. With that being said, the first Hammy Award tonight is the Hammiest Moment in a Crowd. I now turn you over to the team that should commentate the rest of everything, Scott Stanford and CM Punk.
STANFORD: Good evening, IWC! Welcome to the Hammys, I'm Scott Stanford, and as always I'm here with WWE Champion, CM Punk.
PUNK: It's just typical, isn't it? All of the things I've accomplished in the last calendar year, and I'm stuck at the commentary table talking to the indoctrinated masses about yet another award I probably won't win.
STANFORD: There's always reason to be optimistic, Punk! The INTERNET loves you more than the likely majority of Slammy voters.
PUNK: INTERNET, who gives a damn what any of them think? They follow me on Twitter and then get pissed off when I tell it like it is.
STANFORD: If we leave time for all of these complaints, the show will go overtime.
PUNK: It's a fictitious INTERNET Award show. Unlike a Ring of Honor match, there is no time limit!
STANFORD: The winner for the Hammiest Crowd moment is...
AL LAIMAN: Winning by an overwhelming majority, the Brock Lesnar superfan who reacted to Lesnar's return by dancing the entire Lesnar routine, as well as getting into an exclamation duel with Daniel Bryan.
PUNK: Gotta love this... Here I sit, the best in the world, and the first award of the night goes to a guy who was probably paid to be there.
STANFORD: Well Punk, to be fair, the return of Brock Lesnar was quite exciting and elicited one of the biggest pops in wrestling history.
PUNK: Yeah... How well did that go?
STANFORD: Some would say one of the top matches of the year with John Cena took place soon after.
PUNK: And some would say you're an idiot, Stanford.
AL LAIMAN: Now, the next award will be the Ham of the Year, brought to you by Beggin' Strips. Live from a pile of bacon to announce the winner, R-Truth.
R-Truth is shown literally in a pile of bacon with his crazy eyes, referencing being the entertaining crazy homeless guy heel that inspired this award in the first place.
TROOF: I thought I was here to axe about a ham. This here is bacon. If I wanted bacon, I'd be down at Gramma's house with a side of Spidah Stew! Spidah Stew was great with bacon, especially when Gramma used the big ol' box of spidahs that I got for Dolph Ziggla in a game of Roulette Charades. Don't even axe me how that works. Now obviously since I'm sayin' the winnah, I didn't win the HAM of the Year, but at least Spidahs don't know it's not bacon!
CHARLOTTE: IIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S BACON!
R-Truth stares at the spider for a few seconds, terrified.
TROOF: THE SPIDAH JUST SPOKE TO ME!
CHARLOTTE: Not my fault you've got crunchy bacon, Ron. The winner of the Ham is, no surprise, Daniel Bryan!
TROOF: HOW DOES A SPIDAH KNOW WHO DANIEL BRYAN IS! HE KICKED LITTLE JIMMY! HE GON' GET GOT!
The camera returns to Punk and Stanford.
PUNK: ... What the hell just happened?
STANFORD: For once, Mr. Punk, I agree with you.
PUNK: I'm now supposed to inform you that in the suites of this building we made up for this event, Wade Barrett has apparently brought along the skybox he owns.
STANFORD: Granted, The Shield has overtaken it in recent weeks, but we're still obligated to inform you that Wade Barrett does, in fact, have a skybox.
PUNK: And in this skybox that Wade Barrett has, Wade Barrett's Skybox will be the location of the presentation of the Favorite Laiman-ism.
AL LAIMAN: We now go to Smackdown Superstar, Sheamus.
The camera pans to the skybox that in case nobody told you belongs to Wade Barrett. Sheamus is there eating a ham sandwich that he took from Brian Blessed after a Brogue Kick.
SHEAMUS: Thank ya, fella. Now while my most respected opponent The Big Show has put even insomniacs ta sleep with his dreaded offense, only one could overtake such a mantle, fella. Say, is that my theme music I hear?
The Ultimate Warrior walks out and stares Sheamus in the face, presumably to read the written words.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR: IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTERHEAD! I WASN'T EVEN AWARE THAT WADE BARRETT OWNED A SKYBOX, HOAK HOGAN! THIS IS SOMETHING THEY NEED TO INDICATE, LIKE HOW TO ACQUIRE THE WWE APP ON THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT, HOAK HOGAN! I SEE BEFORE ME IN WADE BARRETT'S SKYBOX A LESSON NECESSARY! AS I TAKE YOU THROUGH THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH IN MY SPACE PLANE, I'M IN NEED OF A CO-PILOT ON THE SEARCH FOR THE BLACK HOLE WHERE ALL OF ALBERTO DEL RIO'S CHARISMA WENT, HOAK HOGAN!
SHEAMUS: My name is Sheamus, fella.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR: DO NOT INTERRUPT THE GOD OF DESTRUCITY, HOAK HOGAN! SIT DOWN AND STOP SAYING THINGS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH YOU CAN FEEL IT, DUDE! YOU CAN FEEL IT!
Sheamus Brogue Kicks the Ultimate Warrior out of the Skybox. Warrior disappears into a vortex that ships him to his home planet.
SHEAMUS: I hope he ain't headin' to the North Pole.
We again return to our commentary team.
PUNK: I... give up trying to figure this out.
STANFORD: So far we've seen R-Truth in a pile of bacon and a wrestler from twenty-five years ago disappear into a vortex where I hope he isn't heading to rape Santa Claus.
PUNK: I now understand why Jericho clarifies that he's the best in the world... AT WHAT HE DOES.
JBL: I'm sure you'd believe anything if you saw it. There go the black helicopters right now, Punk! Lookie lookie!
Punk and Stanford stare at JBL.
PUNK: Where the hell did you come from?
JBL: Wrestlehalla. I am after all a WRRRRRRRRRRRRESTLINGAH GAWHAD!
AL LAIMAN: Divinity and the Hall of Eternal Wrestlemania Moments aside, it's time for the Hammiest Moment of the Year. But first, let's take a look at some of the enjoyable moments of HAM that didn't win.
Kane Interviews Matt Striker
After being harangued with interviews where Matt Striker didn't believe Kane and his new tag team partner Daniel Bryan couldn't co-exist, Kane chokeslams him to hell and then conducts a post-match interview of his own.
AJ Frolicks in a Kane Mask
For a long time, I was under the impression that this had the Ham of the Year locked up. One of Kane's most amazing talents is the ability to emote such facial expressions while under a mask, and it's absolutely priceless. This was in the middle of the love triangle, and even the commentators I think legitimately didn't know what to say.
JR Calls Vince's Win over CM Punk
This was one we never saw coming. It seemed like a normal backstage segment as JR was discussing the danger of facing CM Punk. Vince asked JR to call his win against Punk in the Stone Cold-style, and suddenly JR bursts out with a huge helping of commentating ham.
When Kane and Daniel Bryan couldn't get along, AJ had them sent to anger management therapy. What ensued was several weeks of extremely comical ham between the two that perhaps was highlighted by Kane's description of his childhood and a duel "SHUT UP, HAROLD!"
Damien Sandow Searches for an Apprentice
If Sandow had reached his current golden level, he would've been a shoe-in for Ham of the Year. He's a slice and a half, and lately has been untouchable on the mic. How can you not enjoy how ridiculous and yet entertaining this guy is?
AL LAIMAN: But there can be only one winner. What could out-do Anger Management, Sandow, and AJ skipping in a Kane mask?
Daniel Bryan Kicks Little Jimmy
TROOF has had an invisible friend for over a year now, and while sometimes wrestlers have interacted with him during a match, Daniel Bryan took it to the ultimate level of ham. After greeting him, he... KICKED THE INVISIBLE LITTLE JIMMY OUT OF THE RING. What makes it even better? TROOF jumps out of the ring like a puppy just got shot, and freaks out at Daniel Bryan even further. What makes it the best? The white coats come to take him away... Not TROOF, but Daniel Bryan. Easily the most enjoyably over-acted, over-the-top slice of HAM of 2012!
PUNK: Well, with that being said, I suppose that brings this year's Hammys to a close.
STANFORD: I think it may be the strangest thing I've ever seen.
PUNK: Don't have to tell me twice.
STANFORD: But it does recap a year full of entertaining yet silly moments that the WWE continues to offer us on a weekly basis, and we can only hope they continue to serve up Large Hams like this in 2012.
PUNK: Don't you find it ironic that the winner of a Ham is a Vegan?
Thanks for a great year everyone. I did my best with this, so I hope you enjoyed it, and thanks to all of you who voted. I'll probably be doing a few Ask Al Laimans during my vacation, and maybe I'll get talked into doing 30 Thoughts on RAW 12-31-12 a little late. Otherwise, I will see you on the first RAW of the New Year with a new list of HAM and another year of Monday Nights to enjoy. Best of holidays to everyone.
IN CASE YOU MISSED A VERY JADED CHRISTMAS