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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Monday Night Twoutter
By Al Laiman
Jul 26, 2012 - 3:29:19 PM



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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Monday Night Twoutter


The opening pyro for Monday Night Twoutter explodes, and some opening music by a band that is not Nickelback blares over the PA. The crowd immediately grabs their portable devices and Tout exactly where they are when the last pyro explodes. This creates a noticeable blue glow, which makes The Undertaker think he has to come out, but he doesn't. Thankfully, Big Show was Tweeting in the Gorilla position and he couldn't get around. Scott Stanford and CM Punk are on commentary because, well, they should commentate on everything forever.

STANFORD: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Monday Night Twoutter! I'm Scott Stanford and beside me as always is CM Punk?

PUNK: Hey Scott, you want an autograph?

STANFORD: Sure Punk, that'd be great!

Punk smacks him in the face.

PUNK: You didn't say please, Stanford. Now excuse me while I find my diet soda.

STANFORD: As always folks, the opening segment will be decided by you. Get to your Twitters now and vote. If you want the opening segment to be a promo, tweet #openingpromo. If you want the opening segment to be a match, tweet #curtainjerker. If you want the opening segment to be anything involving Alberto Del Rio, tweet #whatthefuckamithinking.

PUNK: You can't say that on the air, Stanford.

STANFORD: Don't worry, I said Alberto Del Rio, nobody's listening anyway.

Fifteen seconds go by.

STANFORD: And the results are in. Fourteen percent of you wanted Alberto Del Rio to do something, though why I can't imagine.

PUNK: It must be past their bedtime and all the sheep are dead.

STANFORD: But by the majority vote, we will have an opening match. If you want the first person in the opening match to be Dolph Ziggler, tweet #DolphZiggler. If you want the first person in the opening match to be Chris Jericho, tweet #ChrisJericho.

PUNK: If you want the first person in the opening match to be Big Show, put your Twitter device in your toaster and sit in your bathtub. You'll be fine, Phil Connors came back the next day with not a scratch on him!

Fifteen seconds go by.

STANFORD: And the results are in. Dolph Ziggler will be the first competitor in the opening match of Monday Night Twoutter. Just so you know, DX is reuniting tonight at the end of the show.

Dolph Ziggler's music hits, and as he comes down the ramp, he pulls out his cell phone and tweets to the crowd.

JUSTIN ROBERTS: If you would like to cheer for Dolph Ziggler, tweet #YAY now. If you would like to boo Dolph Ziggler, tweet #Disapproval now.

Fifteen seconds go by.

STANFORD: 55 percent of you decided it's time to cheer Dolph Ziggler.

PUNK: Listen to that massive split decision he's receiving right now!

STANFORD: If you would like to explain to us why you chose to cheer Dolph Ziggler, send us a three second Tout video and we might air it. By the way, DX is reuniting tonight.

Fifteen seconds go by. Dolph is impatiently waiting in the ring.

STANFORD: Don't worry, Dolph. We'll tweet an opponent for you right after we air these Tout videos.

PUNK: Didn't this show use to involve wrestling?

TOUT VIDEO 1: DOLPHY GUNN!

TOUT VIDEO 2: He is perfection, and I...

TOUT VIDEO 3: 400 BABIES!

PUNK: And there we have it. Look at that Internet talent, it's a surprise we still have jobs. Well, at least you, Stanford. Michael Cole on a vallium binge could make more sense than you.

STANFORD: Punk always the kidder of a commentator, let's find Dolph Ziggler an opponent for this opening match. If you would like Dolph Ziggler to face Daniel Bryan, tweet #DanielBryan now. If you would like Dolph Ziggler to face R-Truth, tweet #HamOff3000 now. If you would like Dolph Ziggler to face John Cena, tweet #zomgzovercometehoddz now. And hey, did you know that DX is reuniting tonight?

PUNK: Cena? Seriously. He owes me a diet soda. John, get on that right now.

FIfteen seconds pass. John Cena's music hits, and as he does his trademark reference to the camera, he pulls out his cell phone and tweets #SemperFi.

ROBERTS: If you would like to cheer John Cena, tweet #GoJohnCena now. If you would like to boo John Cena, we will repossess your cell phones and send you to Istanbul to fight Liam Neeson.

Fifteen seconds go by.

STANFORD: 100 percent of the fanbase has decided to cheer John Cena. Did you know that DX is reuniting tonight?

PUNK: Actually 99, I think the nacho vendor in the fifteenth row isn't a fan.

Men in black suits immediately remove the nacho vendor from the premises. Before the first match can take place, we're going to a commercial. The new trailer for Taken 2 airs with the nacho vendor with duct tape over his mouth and a sign on his chest that reads: "You were a terrible Jedi." He doesn't survive.

STANFORD: Like I said, 100 percent of the fanbase has decided to cheer John Cena. And DX is reuniting later this evening.

PUNK: And because we haven't had enough social media here yet, send us a three second Tout video telling us who you think is going to win this match.

Fifteen seconds go by.

TOUT VIDEO 1: John Cena.

TOUT VIDEO 2: John Cena.

TOUT VIDEO 3: Immortal Dog.

STANFORD: It looks like Cena and Ziggler are about to lock up. If you want to see Dolph get the advantage, tweet #YoureKiddingRight. If you would like to see John Cena get the advantage, tweet #OversellmorethanHBKagainstHogan. Just so you know, DX is reuniting tonight.

Fifteen seconds go by.

PUNK: Look at that, Dolph just took a knee to the gut and nearly hit his head off the scoreboard.

STANFORD: And we'll be right back after this commercial break with another move.

Another commercial break airs. The returning image is of a WWE Did You Know.

Photobucket

STANFORD: And we're back, but before we tell you about what has happened in the match that you missed, Charlie Sheen is here to share his thoughts with us.

A blank screen is shown on Sheen's Skype camera.

PUNK: Must be off the wagon again.

STANFORD: Was he ever on it?

PUNK: Shut up, Stanford. This is why I'm better than you.

STANFORD: If you think Charlie Sheen fell off the wagon again, tweet #NoShitSherlock now.

PUNK: If you think he just forgot where he was while chasing the invisible dragon, tweet #CocainesAHelluvaDrug now.

STANFORD: It looks like John Cena has just defeated Dolph Ziggler. What a great match it was.

PUNK: Don't worry if you missed it. Everyone else did too because they were all tweeting what moves they wanted to see next.

STANFORD: We're going to another commercial break, but when we come back, you the WWE Universe will get to tweetvote who you want your next opponents to be! And later tonight, D-Generation X will once again reunite, just in case you might've forgotten.

PUNK: Is that Wade Barrett up in that skybox?

...

For followers of Jaded Hope, if you haven't seen it yet, check out the best of Season 2 here. This week's new episode is posted at the top, as per usual:

  • IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: The First 30 Thoughts

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 6-30-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 6-23-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 6-16-14

  • IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Laiman Asks Himself: "Have We Retconned WrestleMania XXX?"

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 6-2-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 5-26-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 5-19-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 5-12-14

  • IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Well, I Guess It's Just Us Now, Part II