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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Live WrestleMania Thoughts
By Al Laiman
Apr 7, 2013 - 11:27:32 PM

credit Tom Jenner

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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Live WrestleMania Thoughts

6:35pm - Feels so different. Have watched WrestleMania in the same place since 21, but will never watch there again. Thoughts coming live tonight!

6:52pm - The best part of these preview videos? We'll never have to see them again. The worst part? They'll be replaced by recaps for three months.

7:04pm - That crowd is absolutely massive. What a set! It sure feels like WrestleMania!

7:06pm - I have a feeling I'm really going to hate this song by the end of the night...

7:07pm - Interesting choice for the opener. Lobsterhead's match should go a bit longer this year at least.

7:09pm - The Spanish announcers were shown. That table is not going to make it through the night.

7:13pm - Someone has a #pork sign. At least it's the same animal! #HAM

7:14pm - Faces dominating the beginning of this match, like most of the feud. Badass move by Ambrose daring Show to chop him more.

7:16pm - Big Show doesn't get to play face-in-peril very often.

7:18pm - This is not surprisingly a very pro-heel crowd. Pretty sure a hot-tag to Lobsterhead just got massive boos.

7:19pm - Awesome double Samoan Rolls by Sheamus there. Ambrose taking chops like a champ.

7:20pm - A lot of hints toward Orton's predicted heel turn, especially by stealing the hot tag there. Could it finally arrive?

7:21pm - Here come the finishers! Orton gets pinned, Big Show doesn't break it up, Shield wins. Very good opening match.

7:23pm - I guess Big Show just turned back heel, after turning face, after turning heel. Must be in the #Ironclad contract. Fortunately nobody cared.

7:26pm - Oh yay, I was hoping we'd see this Rock/Cena video! We haven't seen it in a whole twenty minutes! And another ten before that!

7:29pm - Snooki's in the crowd. I thought I smelled tuna.

7:31pm - Holy shit, they finally gave Ryback some actual pyro!

7:32pm - Wow, I just got about ten Twitter notifications about Ryback's pyro. I must have a reputation or something...

7:34pm - This crowd must be very big fans of Mark Henry's hand-son.

7:36pm - Is anyone aware if this is a match of physicality? Is it physically physicality or just figurative physical physicality?

7:37pm - That is, in fact, what he does... #physicalphysicalityphysicalness

7:38pm - This crowd would riot if they realized the commentators just compared anything in this match to Bruno Sammartino.

7:40pm - After bear hugs and gutwrenches, finally the Clothesline From Skynet. Ryback lifting Henry over his head is damn impressive.

7:41pm - Wow, Mark Henry wins via... reversal pancake. I suppose this will counter all the faces winning in the big matches.

7:43pm - Oh goodie, it's only the second match and we already have a cheap product placement.

7:44pm - Chris Christie got a bigger face pop than any of the faces so far.

7:48pm - The massive reactions for Bryan comes a year full-circle. How far he's come since then is really amazing.

7:49pm - They seriously almost trolled a reversal of last year's opening match. That was awesome.

7:50pm - Kane's tag alone to face Big E had more fucks given than the entire last match.

7:52pm - Big Show and Kane have both been the faces in peril tonight. Interesting series of events.

7:54pm - Did Big E just summon destrucity for that splash?

7:55pm - Was gonna say that Ziggler got punched right in the fuck, but someone Tweeted it to me first! @rocking24x7x365

7:55pm - Daniel Bryan scores the win this year. That is some real redemption. Massive pop... Premature bell ring.

7:57pm - Who would've thought that Bryan Danielson would have everyone chanting "YES!" for him winning at WrestleMania? #NextBigStar

7:59pm - Did Fandango contact Tyrion Lannister for some extras?

8:00pm - It's time for the Battle of the Loudest Outfits! #DiscoInfernoPants #SparkleJacket

8:02pm - Jericho upped the loudness game with the entire arena going #SparkleSparkleSparkle. And fireworks on top of it. It's a #Ham Entrance Duel!

8:04pm - I think Johnny Curtis went to the Dolph Ziggler school of selling.

8:05pm - Fandango got kicked out of the ring. Is it terrible that I was expecting a commercial break to follow?

8:07pm - Awesome counter to the springboard from Fandango.

8:08pm - Oh no! Blood! Jericho's bleeding! Hide the children! I don't think they'll make it til Tuesday!

8:09pm - We just got free Outback! #BiggestPopHereTonight

8:09pm - Everything tonight should end with #FreeOutback from here on out.

8:10pm - There's the first big finisher kickout! It's officially WrestleMania! #FreeOutback

8:11pm - That camera angle made it look like he botched the top rope move.

8:12pm - Fandango wins a damn fine debut WrestleMania match after it looked like Jericho's head spiked his knee on the Lionsault counter.

8:14pm - Commercials on WrestleMania. Commercials on WrestleMania. Oh well, not like anyone's paying for it...

8:16pm - Oh shit, The Rock is on this Pay-Per-View? Why didn't someone mention it before now?!

8:18pm - Is that seriously the Rocky music?

8:21pm - Nothing like interrupting WrestleMania for horrible sampled covers from the 90's. Can someone chokeslam him off the stage?

8:23pm - Time to quote Rachel Phelps from Major League 2. "Oh no, not that goddamn song again!"

8:25pm - The biggest pop for that performance? It ended.

8:29pm - I didn't think a jobber entrance was possible at WrestleMania, but damn they had to make room for that Diddy concert!

8:33pm - I guess ADR paid a visit to Ralph Macchio before this match.

8:35pm - Biff Swagger! My diet soda!

8:36pm - Swagger hits a move! And the crowd goes wild in... muffled conversation.

8:38pm - #WeWantZiggler

8:44pm - It was nice that President Chester A. Arthur wore a tie for the occasion... under his fishing vest.

8:45pm - Swagger taps. Zeb Coulter's mustache is offended by this.

8:46pm - Ziggler does not cash in. We go into another commercial. #DoesNotApprove

8:52pm - Tons of Funk is seriously going on after Punk/Undertaker... Wow. On the other hand, Living Colour!

8:54pm - Living Colour > Diddy. #ThatWasAwesome

8:56pm - It's official, ShredderTaker is in the building!

9:00pm - Punk still being a giant #Ham with the urn.

9:02pm - Taker has targeted the Spanish announce table!

9:03pm - There is a very loud dueling chant, and it sounds about even! This crowd is on fire now!

9:04pm - Punk counters old school with a super arm drag!

9:05pm - Punk just did Old School! This is awesome on so many levels! Huge CM Punk chant for it! #Ham

9:07pm - Undertaker responds to CM Punk's offense by telling the kid to get off his lawn. #InTheYard

9:10pm - I... Don't know if Punk splitting the ropes there was intentional, but I bet his voice is a bit higher now.

9:11pm - Even as a heel, Punk gets everyone on their feet for the Macho Man Elbow Drop for a near-fall.

9:12pm - Taker counters the first GTS attempt for a chokeslam and a long two count.

9:14pm - Punk lost the monitor there, and was torn between pulling it out and having to land on it.

9:16pm - The table didn't break! That was cringe-worthy! The fact that he is moving at all is a feat in and of itself!

9:17pm - Punk counters Hell's Gate for a close fall, and goes for the Anaconda Vice. Great old-school match here.


9:20pm - Punk has continued to gain cheers as this match grows more and more awesome.

9:20pm - Ref bump! I sense some shenanigans!

9:21pm - Another long two count via Urn Last Ride Counter. Heyman is hamming this up so awesomely.

9:22pm - Absolutely awesome match between CM Punk and The Undertaker, although nobody really thought Punk had any chance in hell.

9:24pm - That was a big "WHO CAN TOP THAT SHIT!" to the other main events tonight.

9:29pm - I do not envy the insane amount of heat John Cena's going to receive when he comes out.

9:31pm - We go from a John Cena training montage to... A Triple H training montage.

9:35pm - We've had an old-school classic, now we need just an insane brawl right about now.

9:37pm - The last four victims of the Undertaker team up against the guy accompanied by the manager of the most recent one.

9:40pm - Khal Drogo would be very impressed with that Triple H entrance set.

9:40pm - Um... Triple H... What were you doing before the match?

Tweet response of the night so far: @thelola_lolita: @AlLaimanLOP best that we dont know that... I for one dont want to find out that theres a reason for all that homoerotic subtext with DX.

9:42pm - It's already out of the ring. Good sign.

9:46pm - Cue the Internet blaming Triple H for refusing to put over the Spanish Announce table.

9:48pm - Triple H is experiencing what he did to the Undertaker last year.

9:50pm - The field is lost Everything is lost The black one has fallen from the sky and the towers in ruins lie The enemy is within, everywhere

9:53pm - Is Triple H's career on the line? They really need to communicate the stipulations of this contest.

9:54pm - Mr. WrestleMania just got F-5ed. A sledgehammer awaits thee for retribution.

10:02pm - It's not WrestleMania without a Sweet Chin Music!

10:06pm - Very good physical match between Lesnar and Triple H. Once again though, the overwhelmingly face predicted main event ends as such.

10:11pm - Bruno Sammartino still looks like he could legit mess up someone's day.

10:15pm - Oh no, the crowd is booing because Tons of Funk got skipped!

10:18pm - If there was a roof on MetLife, it would be gone. The People's Champion has arrived.

10:23pm - Go with JBL, Cena. The night is dark and full of terrors.

10:26pm - The crowd is quiet, since this is the bathroom break before the Rhodes Scholars main event WrestleMania.

10:27pm - Did JBL just say that a ten-time world champion would go down as "not being able to win the big one" if he loses tonight?

10:30pm - Maybe there's just a librarian shushing everyone... To be polite for the performers.

10:31pm - Even Rock doesn't know not to go for a clothesline after two shoulder blocks? #WhenWillTheyLearn

10:35pm - Don't kick out, Cena! We're waiting for Damien Sandow!

10:37pm - Does the WWE have a refund policy for denying us Cody Rhodes' mustache?

10:38pm - #WeWantTheShield

10:40pm - Lords of Kobol, please let the Shield hit the arena. So say we all.

10:42pm - Did we just see a "John Cena is Not Impressed" face?

10:46pm - Gee, John Cena, Triple H, Undertaker, and ADR won tonight. They really took some risks tonight.

10:47pm - My girlfriend fell asleep during that match.

10:52pm - Most of the matches were at least decent, one was definitely a MOTY. Once again, no risks, no surprises.

10:53pm - Feared all faces winning. After Shield and Henry, they all did... Results everyone saw coming six weeks ago.

EDIT: And Fandango. Point still remains.


Thanks, Hustle.

Paul Heyman takes it back with his overselling during his two matches.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
1-7-13 - John Cena
1-14-13 - Dr. Shelby
1-21-13 - Anger Management
1-27-13 - Kofi Kingston
1-28-13 - Tensai
2-4-13 - Brad Maddox
2-11-13 - The Shield
2-18-13 - Damien Sandow
2-25-13 - Daniel Bryan
3-4-13 - Fandango
3-11-13 - Rhodes Scholars
3-18-13 - Rufus "Pancake" Patterson
3-25-13 - Mark Henry
3-26-13 - Antonio Cesaro
4-1-13 - Ryback
4-7-13 - Paul Heyman




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