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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #339 - Thoughts on RAW - 12-18-17
By Marissa Laiman
Dec 18, 2017 - 11:15:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017


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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #339 - Thoughts on RAW - 12-18-17

1. And, once again, we have a completely different style of opening vignette. Nothing to add.

2. Cole has the usual first line, which at least means it's not Steph, and Kurt's about to do what authority figures essentially do: Exposition Fairy tonight. Cole can't get through that without burying Smackdown again, and Angle also says the usual first line. Because we weren't welcomed enough the first time.

3. Braun yells to interrupt Angle a few sentences in, and I'm guessing... Triple Threat match. That's how contenderships work now.

4. Do you think Kane in 1997 would have a Twitter? Like if it existed back then? Or would it be like the liner notes of WWF: The Music, Volume 3 and just be "..."

5. Listen to that pop for a surprise Paul Heyman introduction. We're about to see how short Bork Laser looks compared to these two. Listen to them sing along with the entire introduction like he's the fucking Khaleesi at this point. It's HAMalicious.

6. Brock Lesnar doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear?" Damn, I thought Minnesota schools would give him a better education than that.

7. Holy shit, a triple threat match, who saw that coming?

8. Hopefully Bork manages to give Kane an F5 without also giving him a concussion this time.

9. I'm sorry, but using the phrase "the Beast, marking his territory" has unfortunate implications that shouldn't be applied to wrestling.

10. After more self-fellatio over social media numbers, now we've got Crossfit Jesus and Samoa Joe. At least he's not facing Sheamus and/or Cesaro for the 342345th time.

11. At least Jason Jordan is using those boos to his advantage. If you're gonna disappoint the fans, might as well make it disappointment over him not being Samoa Joe. Strange though that matches can be booked and advertised and then just changed on a dime? Nepotism, I suppose.

12. CFJ mentions that Jason has Kurt's voice in his head. I'm guessing that means he talks to him, he understands. They talk to him.

13. There's the Godzilla meets Hans Zimmer's Inception score theme, and Joe... My goodness, Joe might get an early shot at the HAM. Joe wants to put people to sleep, or as 2011's Randy Orton might clarify... UN-CONSCIOUS... SLEEP.

14. Now we've got CFJ and the whiny blue-chipper who will find a way to be injured in two minutes while Joe thinks about how he wants adventure in the great wide somewhere.

15. Is that a "this is boring" chant from the crowd? Lance Storm must feel so vindicated. At least Kurt Angle didn't make that chant start.

16. After yet another commercial, this match is still going. This won't be good for the Mid-show Hour of Death.

17. The wrestling ability of Jordan is still there. It never wasn't. This is a damn fine match and CFJ is putting him over like mad. That crash into the barrier didn't look pleasant. Maybe every match shouldn't have a suicide dive.

18. Maybe I'm just an old lady yelling at the kids on my lawn, but with the finishing moves even having the shake effect upon hitting them, this has officially become a video game.

19. CFJ does some Ultimate Opportunist-Edge level shit by sending Jordan into Joe to punk him out. Nice move.

20. CFJ pulls another good match out of Monday Night RAW, and Jason Jordan loses again. Neither a surprise, but still good to watch.

21. The Absolution match is essentially the same one as last week, fine. Though last night's PPV reminded me that they're running the EXACT SAME angle on Smackdown. I'd have posted a column on last night's show, but I wanted to just watch a show for once. Plus I fell asleep before the end. I have a lot more trouble staying up late anymore. Thank JBL RAW at least ends an hour earlier than it did in the Eastern time zone.

22. Kurt is fielding the Samoa Joe Complaint Line, and we've got another six-man tag... And, drumroll, who will be Joe's tag partners... The fucking Bar. I spoke too soon. JBLdammit!

23. As we are wont to expect, after a very long match, we now have a bunch of filler.

24. Are we about to get Bray Wyatt and Woken Matt in another "who can make the sillier animal sound"-off?

25. Bray in early with either a chuckling gopher or a vibrating dolphin. Matt, care to weigh in?

26. I suppose bad smash cut Matt didn't have a response to that one, and now to conclude the filler segment of the show, Finn Balor's coming out so we're going to cut to commercial during his entrance. How will they be wasting him this week? A match with Bo Dallas? Nope, 2-on-1, so both of them vs. Finn Balor. Seems like a year ago he went over AJ Styles.

27. This match is already insanely boring. Did Finn Balor really deserve this for making a hand gesture?

28. The match ends in a DQ, because it wasn't boring enough.

29. And who makes the save but... Hideo Itami? That's... All right. I hope he manages to not get injured.

30. Kurt Angle the Commercial Break Match Magician makes another match offscreen, and we know who's going to win, but it's still cool to see Itami. They mentioned his debut being tomorrow, so I must've missed something.

31. It's weird seeing them trying to get us to take the Miztourage seriously after one of them lost in less than two minutes a week ago. If this is taking up this much time, they must have a really small card they're trying to stretch into this three hour show.

32. They brought him in for the Cruiserweight division but had him team with an upper-midcarder/potential world title contender? Why?

33. So far, most everything since the long match has been meh at best. As usual. Enzo continues to find ways to look more ridiculous. He's talking about Space Battles, I'm tuning out.

34. Enzo on commentary too? Fuckbeatles, mute button. I can't take this shit.

35. Cedric does a dive to the outside, then lets Enzo know that he's about to get three forearms and a leg drop. Don't hit him now, he's invincible! YOUUUUUUU!

36. If Drew could be on commentary and Big Cass could come back and kick Enzo right in the fuck, this last hour of wasted time could be redeemed.

37. How did that Rock Bottom Canadian Destroyer Flipty Shit not end the match?

38. Cedric wins because Enzo just saw Double Rainbow for the first time and wandered off.

39. Will Absolution team up for the first time ever? I'm not sure, they haven't clarified it yet.

40. Oh goodie, an Alicia Fox match... Gee, I wonder if she'll beat Asuka... Another segment continue the Hour of Misery.

41. We come back with more Enzo and Nia staring awkwardly. I turned the mute off too soon.

42. Another "I will take what I've learned" side-in promo. Where's Beldar Conehead when you need him? "Oh sure, and let me know when Elvis lands."

43. Booker T finds another way to rain on everyone's parade again. Who invited Buzz Killington to commentary?

44. A sneak peak of Total Divas? Good JBL, my mute button is getting a workout tonight.

45. Now we've got a match involving the Shield and the Bar.. again. Except Jason Jordan and Samoa Joe are there this time.

46. I have to give CFJ and Jordan credit for wrestling a really long match earlier in the show and coming out to wrestle again.

47. Booker T now suddenly likes that Jordan is old school and has to learn the hard way? Wasn't it like a month ago that he was saying that he's gotta get all his spots in and is too young and like this generation? Consistency!

48. The match is fine. It's to be expected with everyone in the ring. But I've already said what I would say for the last few months here so it's just a matter of feeling like ten people were working this show and they're trying to stretch that as far as possible.

49. The false hot tags in this match are numerous. CFJ can't crawl across the ring for a tag but still finds a way to summon another suicide dive. And for fuck's sake, eight dudes in the crowd, a suicide dive at this point is not worthy of a "holy shit!" chant.

50. Something happened to Ambrose, i think. Not sure if it was for the distraction, hope he's okay. But I'm guessing this feud continues... still..

51. It's time for recaps.

52. A limo shows up with Baron Corbin's face ominously staring from the truck in the background. And... it's Steph. Shittrillicious dammit squared, like this show needs an invincible authority figure to run someone else down.

53. Now we've got Woken Matt in a chess match with a Goldfish and finally matching Bray's earlier sound with Hedonism Bot conducting a dental exam with a Hitachi Magic Wand.

54. He concludes with the exclamation point; a yodeler in Connecticut trying to summon the O-Face guy with a pentagram including a half-eaten golf pencil and the song Albuquerque being played backward to hear the subliminal messages from the Cowgod. Obey.

55. Whawhawhat? The Bar attacking Ambrose and CFJ? Shock me, shock me, shock me, with that deviant behavior!

56. Dean's been transported to the ever-present "local medical facility."

57. Hey, it's the Revival! I assume they're back for another two weeks. "Two men who break bones for a living." Unfortunate phrasing. They're facing Slater and Rhyno, so pretty much like every single match tonight: Obvious winner. They're really killing time before the Rumble.

58. Corey Graves just quoted Vince McMahon on commentary: "What a maneuver!" Revival wins to the surprise of... no-fucking-body.

59. Angle gives a pep talk about toughening up or else. Or else what. Exactly. Rhyno talks about toughing up and I can only assume he means teaching him to crumble crackers.

60. Elias? But they said the women's match was up next. Did Elias have a need for an impromtu show?

61. He throws shade at Tom Brady, as if that's going to get him heel heat anywhere but there, and claims that Kurt Angle is afraid of what he's becoming. Is that why he's been absent? That's it, he's becoming a butterfly!

62. Who interrupts this song? Sasha? Okay. Cole freaks out about a reunion tour 20 years ago or something, probably a reference I'm missing.

63. He gets interrupted twice more, because this is Monday Night Interruptions, and now Cole compares it to Live Aid, because that's the way it works now.

64. Elias wouldn't give Bayley a hug, and that's probably the only way this crowd would've booed him. Well done.

65. For the second straight week, the main event gets thrown out. Because fuck you, that's why. Who comes to make the save? Nia Jax? Kay. She does her Ryback impression but takes a while to set it up. Admittedly it was pretty awesome. Paige then makes the attack and everyone's okay, and now the locker room arrives again. Who will come to upstage them all?

66. Stephanie, that's who. Of course it is.

67. This seems like a weird time for a summary of the women's division. They're going to give us a Women's Royal Rumble, aren't they? Please tell me we're doing that. It's still weird that they broke it in the middle of a brawl though.

68. Steph has to subtly slam Daniel Bryan, because she can't manage to even announce good news without throwing shade at someone, in order to put something over, and we'll just ignore that a huge brawl was interrupted and suddenly everything was cool, and the show ends abruptly. Great announcement, extremely awkward timing and placement. Even with that news, this show was boring. Great first match, but card stretched thin, BarVShield AGAIN, a second straight week of a no-finish main event they spent the whole night building up, and not a single match with an even reasonably unpredictable finish. The Rumble looks huge, but they're clearly stalling for time, and that's not fun to watch.

Feel free to pick your favorite for the HAMMYs.

-The Miz
-Shinsuke Nakamura
-The New Day
-The Fashion Files

-The Miz and Maryse's Total Cena segments.
-The Festival of Friendship
-The lack of having a HAM over Jinder Mahal winning a title shot.


Matt wins the final HAM of the year. He had a chess match with a goldfish. What more do you need to know?

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt
8-7-17 - Paul Heyman
8-8-17 - Arn Anderson
8-14-17 - Big Ca/ss
8-15-17 - Breezango
8-28-17 - John Cena
9-4-17 - Braun Strowman
9-11-17 - The Miz
9-18-17 - Neville
9-19-17 - Dolph Ziggler
9-24-17 - Paul Heyman
9-25-17 - Alexa Bliss
9-26-17 - Dolph Ziggler
10-2-17 - The Miz
10-3-17 - Rusev
10-9-17 - Finn Balor
10-10-17 - The Usos
10-16-17 - Curtis Axel
10-22-17 - Kurt Angle
10-23-17 - Drew Gulak
10-30-17 - The Miz
10-31-17 - Kofi Kingston/Rusev/Becky Lynch
11-6-17 - New Day
11-7-17 - New Day
11-19-17 - The Usos
11-20-17 - The Miz
11-27-17 - Elias
12-11-17 - Apollo Crews
12-18-17 - Matt Hardy

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.

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