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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #330 - Thoughts on RAW - 10-23-17
By Marissa Laiman
Oct 23, 2017 - 11:15:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017




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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #330 - Thoughts on RAW- 10-23-17

1. The opening preview has to have Michael Cole repeat his line of "it's all about... whatever." I also know for sure I've heard this background music before, but I can't place it. Anyway, if you want my thoughts on the night, check out the previous column. The migraine is finally gone from those damn lights.

2. Then we also begin with the part where he has to welcome us to the show we're watching, and since HAM-winner Kurt is the first out, he'll probably say it too. "A smile on his face, but inside, he's probably hurting," he says. That makes Cole sound like he's trying to say that Angle is sad, not in physical pain, but I think of Kurt going behind the curtain and going "I'll never be a real Shield..."

3. But how long HAS it been since Kurt Angle competed in a WWE ring?

4. Kurt debuted 18 years ago? Damn, I feel old.

5. Survivor Series has essentially become a blend of Bragging Rights and Night of Champions. And here's the lineup now!

6. Two straight heel vs heel champion vs champion matches? Aye. And yes, Mahal/Lesnar does deserve laughter.

7. Team non-hoss from last night comes out, and the Miz is about to unleash all the power of his reflective jogging jacket unto Kurt. They do the Shield-surround thing, but right on cue, the alphabet makes the day, and Kurt still manages to get his goofy-ass smile back.

8. Miz reminds him them that the odds are not in their favor once again, and joining the team is AJ! We get to see AJ wrestle? I'm good with it. But that's happening right now, so unless that Kurt swerve that Tito predicted was the allusion of the odds comment, I wonder what's going to be in the main event.

9. This does bring us back to a point I've had to make a lot... It's practically the same match yet again, except AJ's in it.

10. Listen to that pop for AJ Styles! Better have him lose cleanly to Jinder twice.

11. Awesome use of sustaining a reaction to find a way to 3-on-1 AJ.

12. Oh wow, the proposal at WrestleMania was for that show! Who saw that coming?

13. Zigglesworth's Cricket commercial now has more pyro than WWE does.

14. Pretty sure those weren't suicide dives. Any of the three of them.

15. We've got ourselves a two commercial breaker as the opener. This match has worked better than last night's did, if nothing else.

16. Fantastic move by Cesaro rolling Miz in the ring just so he could tag himself in. That also leads to the hot tag to, of course, AJ.

17. THOSE were suicide dives. AJ gets the win, and everything about the repetitive nature is true, but that was still fun, and a fantastic opening match on RAW. The Hour of Death is REALLY going to suck tonight, isn't it?

18. Ohai Kane, your Ryback pyro doesn't quite have the same surprise effect, does it? Oh well, Braun got Shredder'd, so I'm sure that won't be a thing that continues. Best chant of the night last night though: "THAT WAS MURDER!"

19. Team Heel takes the opportunity to grab an advantage on that front while Kane looks displeased.

20. Did... Did someone miss a cue?? It felt like there was supposed to be something else. Kane just kinda awkwardly stood there and then the music hit. Weird.

21. "So dominant since his return to Monday night RAW..." He came through the ring to help someone else win a match, lost a 5-on-3 match, and chokeslammed some people tonight.

22. Oh he's still hanging out for some reason. Good, let's look at some snapshots of the recap.

23. Wow, they are really milking the time for filler tonight, aren't they?

24. And now we're back with Kane still hanging out. No wonder he looks bored. Yep, it's definitely a Braun Strowman feud. Kane's following the Big Show steps of putting Braun over, I'm good with that. I suppose this makes face Braun a thing.

25. So... Kane comes back and just shows up on RAW to be RAW's only monster. Okay... are we ever going to establish any rules for these brand changes, or pretend that we forgot he was on Smackdown.

26. Balor! Hell yes! Battle over who is the favorite demon after establishing who was the better monster. I'm in!

27. That took up another entire block of television. Stretch it, WWE! Stretch it as thin as humanly fucking possible!

28. This was a fun match. I'm not quite sure why Balor got beaten like this after a huge win the night before, but it took three chokeslams to do it. What the hell is up with them saying it's a "different" Kane? This is pretty much the same character idea he's always had. I don't get it.

29. It's the only time of year that RAW goes head-to-head with Smackdown... Except the Royal Rumble. Anyway, Shane's awfully friendly with a guy who nearly broke him, and they put over AJ huge in their discussion in the process.

30. Weird hearing the Packers chants over Asuka's face appearing on the Tron. Given that they haven't announced who she's facing at all, I don't have high hopes for that person. Oh, it's the exact same person. Sure, why the fuck not?

31. Asuka certainly has a lot of ass-based offense. It's awesome.

32. Corey Graves and Cole making fun of Booker for basically saying "get off my lawn" might earn the HAM itself. Though it's amusing to hear them criticize someone for only caring about what happens on social media when the company itself does that on a regular basis. Look at how much they brag about having more followers than other sports.

33. Asuka wins by submission, which was... Fine. Why there needed to be a match the second night in a row, I don't get it, but whatever. And the person she's likely to eventually face, Alexa Bliss, is on next.

34. Goodie, a Brock Lesnar highlight package! Because... jeans?

35. Even with someone who is so good at promos, they have to work in the damn catch phrase. Natalya somehow is also going to be in this match.

36. Alexa unintentionally quotes Enzo's schtick in order to get people to chant things back at her. Yeah, that's pretty much the best route to go in that manner. This is impressive though; I can't remember the last time trying to get a chant started didn't work.

37. Mickie James come out, because why not, but she's not in bell bottoms so I don't think she's wrestling. And those shoes, damn, she better not be? Holy shit, she did it in those spiked heels! Move of the night, hands down.

38. Kurt decides to talk to Bayley and Sasha about being a captain, and that brings in... ::sigh:: Alicia Fox. She's super pissed that Kurt didn't hang her picture on the refrigerator. That gets her a shot at the title, despite trying to pin someone on the outside of the ring last night. Kurt's face is emblematic of everything that just happened.

39. Elias is on next, and will Jason Jordan throw cheese at him this time?

40. He introduces himself twice, I'm supposing because no one could hear him last night, and he starts with discount Stairway to Heaven. Will there be celery? But how about that local sports team, eh?

41. What the hell interrupted him singing? The Delorean going back to the future?

42. Another JBLdamn rematch the next night? Really?

43. A medicine called Cosentyx actually advertised "Don't use if you're allergic to Cosentyx." I give the "No Shit, Sherlock" award to Consentyx for the evening.

44. Sounds like just as many people give a fuck about this match tonight as they did last night. Good call on making it happen twice in a row. It'll probably go another four before they mix it up.

45. Ah! That poor guitar! It wasn't quite a Jeff Jarrett, but it was as close as they can get in this day and age. What a waste! Corey Graves breaks down in uncontrollable laughter.

46. In the words of Chris Farley, "that's gonna leave a mark." Ouch!

47. It's the Bork Laser hour of Roll Sizzlebeef and company trying to keep a face without laughter at the thought of facing Jinder Mahal.

48. The 34th person on the roster to say the exact same thing every time does his schtick, but it's okay because it's Paul Heyman.

49. The single-most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE? I know you go for Hyperbole, Paul, but that's bad even for you.

50. Great speech by Paul about the verbal burials that some people try to enforce.

51. It was all a setup. Paul wins the HAM, and Brock is laughing. This is a bug hunt. Game over, man. Game over! How do we get out of this Chickenshit Match?

52. Kalisto brought friends. Where were three of those guys when it was 5-on-2 the other night?

53. It's an Alicia Fox match. Otherwise, they'll pretend that Bayley and Sasha have to hesitate before they engage in the match, despite being in multiple confrontations even recently.

54. QUUUUUUUUUIRKY! That's one word for that, I suppose.

55. Alicia getting thrown out of the ring repeatedly only needs Yakety Sax to be sillier. Why did she make her outfit out of caution tape? Didn't Owen Hart do that in 1998?

56. Alicia starts deciding she doesn't want to play anymore. She says "Screw you guys, I'm going home." That, or trying to imitate that Geico triangle solo commercial or something.

57. Alicia uses the Steal Your Finisher option on the game, and Sasha locks her in the Bank Statement for the 48th time this month. Alicia pins Bayley because fuck you, that's why. The Jinder Mahal method of trying to get someone over strikes again.

58. Enzo's wearing black because he's a heel now. Did you get that?

59. It's actually called the Zo train? Where's Charles Wright for a cameo when you need one?

60. Okay, Drew Gulak doing this introduction may be my new favorite intro. It reminds me of when I tried to word out AJ Styles' entrance theme. Ooh, another Packer joke, because it's Wisconsin and what else is there?

61. At least an actual storyline is accompanying this random collaboration of the division. I'm not against it at all.

62. Kurt comes out to announce the team, but oh wait, Shane-O plays the Monday Night interruption game. Okay, instead he decides to go Shield-style with the entire roster. That's one way to go invasion game.

63. "Under... siege." Okay, and I assume Kurt is heading to the back for reinforcements. Shane gives him a head start before sending the Blue Team after him. I wonder if AJ infiltrated or something. We're about to get a brawl before Stone Cold shows up to be the OOLLLLLLLLLD STONE COOOOOOOOOLD! Titus Worldwide gets gang-attacked in their street clothes, and suddenly we've got people working together who we thought were currently feuding. This is weird.

64. Corbin then attacks a tech guy in headphones. They show that TV screen what's what by making sure it doesn't break falling into the curtain. Oh there's AJ. Hi AJ. They reach the women's makeup section. Where's Asuka when you need her?

65. I'm pretty sure it's Goldust and Curt Hawkins who got to show up for this brief cameo. This feels like a cut scene. Is nobody hanging out together? Everyone who is getting attacked didn't wrestle tonight. Oh no, there's Jason Jordan. Are they gonna try to go after Kane and the Shield? Or does Kane not play these reindeer games?

66. Finally, the women show up, and at least that one's an even stand-off. Or so it would seem. It goes as well as the other ones went for Team RAW... somehow.

67. The Shield at least try to go for the sneak attack. AJ beats up his teammates from tonight. Where are Lesnar and Kane? If anyone can take on a bunch of people at once...

68. They bring Kurt to the slaughter, who suddenly doesn't look so menacing anymore. They lead him out to the ring like his daughter's getting married, and they bring Angle back to Shane. This is the second time Shane's led an invasion like this, if I'm not mistaken. This was awesome, and added instant heat to something that nobody really cared about. I love it. That had a Nexus feel to it, and I didn't see that coming at all. What an excellent, surprising episode of RAW that will likely only be remembered for its ending segment. It's the moments, right?

HAM OF THE NIGHT

Paul had it until Drew Gulak stole it away. There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt
8-7-17 - Paul Heyman
8-8-17 - Arn Anderson
8-14-17 - Big Cass
8-15-17 - Breezango
8-28-17 - John Cena
9-4-17 - Braun Strowman
9-11-17 - The Miz
9-18-17 - Neville
9-19-17 - Dolph Ziggler
9-24-17 - Paul Heyman
9-25-17 - Alexa Bliss
9-26-17 - Dolph Ziggler
10-2-17 - The Miz
10-3-17 - Rusev
10-9-17 - Finn Balor
10-10-17 - The Usos
10-16-17 - Curtis Axel
10-22-17 - Kurt Angle
10-23-17 - Drew Gulak
Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.

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