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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #328 - Thoughts on RAW - 10-16-17
By Marissa Laiman
Oct 16, 2017 - 10:00:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017


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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #328 - Thoughts on RAW - 10-16-17

It's a go-home show, because there's one every other week or so at this point, but I'll be at the show for the said going home. I hope it's a fun one. I have an extra ticket, so if anyone in Minneapolis/St. Paul wants to go with me and the family, let me know!

1. Are you serious? They've now brought in the voice-over preview guy, complete with "Previously, on Crapsule Monsters?" Aiden just sat down and said: "what the fuck is this? Behind the Music?"

2. Kurt Angle's music hits first, and I'm guessing a welcome to the show is in order. These episodes all run together anymore.

3. Oh what a shock, it's a welcome to Monday Night RAW. Now please, Exposition Fairy, describe what we just saw for five minutes in the preview all over again. I might not realize the Shield reunited if you don't.

4. I haven't heard that intro with the call letters in so long time, and the place is going nuts. And wow, look at all those empty seats! That's depressing...

5. Did they start doing the "delete!" chant before saying how awesome it is? I'm confused.

6. Roman threatens Kurt before Crossfit Jesus summarizes the plot of the last few years without saying, "yeah, I was kind of a dick." I see Dean ate a few extra slices of HAM as an appetite before chewing the scenery.

7. The other three walking with Braun Strowman, the guy who doesn't like anyone except the Cruiserweights not named Enzo apparently, look incidental by comparison. Curtis Axel is still standing there like "I still don't get to be in a PPV match? Shit, man..." Of course, it's a go-home show, so let's have almost all the people in the match fight each other again, because that's what helps build anticipation for seeing them all fight again six days later.

8. Oh hey look, it's the new 3MB, the Blues version. How many wrestlers are going to have the intro schtick where they say the exact same thing every week?

9. What the fuck am I watching?

10. They sing the Honky Tonk Man's theme, and unfortunately Kane isn't there to smash them with the guitar. Elias then does the typical band guy thing, essentially the "we sound good, bro! We should start a band!" trope.

11. Holy shit, the start of this six-man tag was awesome! Where has all this energy been in, I don't know, every Titus Worldwide segment of RAW since it started?

12. Upon coming back, Jason Jordan is doing that thing that people in sitcoms do when a bunch of stuff falls on someone off-screen. He ends up getting the lukewarm tag, getting to throw Karl Anderson around before everyone hits the ring in the usual six-man tag melee fashion.

13. I'll be damned, Titus Worldwide and Apollo Crews actually won a match. Anything can happen in the WWE! They let that sit for about two seconds before talking about something else completely.

14. And of course, now it's time for the Network shill.

15. Burger King just did a commercial with a Vanilla Ice ripoff called "Spice, Spice, Baby." I have no words...

16. It's filler hour, because an Asuka promo video shows, then Emma spouts her usual fake credentials. She's like a female Enzo. Alexa then comes by to... kiss her ass for some reason. Oh, it's to propose a tag team match.

17. Apparently I wasn't the only one who associated Emma with Enzo, because now we get some 205 highlights, oh joy!!!!! It involves the phrase "drink his milkshake." In 2017. That's commendable. There are kids old enough to watch this now who don't know why that brings all the boys to the yard.

18. I'm sorry Jack I dig you, but you can't be intimidating with that entrance theme. It doesn't work.

19. It doesn't say lot about a division if two times in a row, the person introduced to it immediately wins the title. I didn't realize 205Live was TNA: Impact in 2006.

20. That was a fun little match for what it was, and it seemed to continue a feud that was going on on that other show. And hey, a Rich Swann cameo too. What were you here for, Swann? A very brief cameo. Me too.

21. Curtis Axel gets a chant, and even Miz is surprised by that. The "you look stupid" chants get a pretty great response. I'm not sure if Lobsterhawk says "respect the hawk" or "respect the Hulk." I think Sheamus would be a big Hulk fan.

22. But seriously, how long has it been since the Shield wrestled together? I'd say take a drink every time they say it, but I WANT you all to be able to make it to the column tomorrow!

23. Braun went from sounding intimidating to complaining about the Shield powerbombing him through the table and all I could hear was "don't make me pucker my lips!" He just sounds silly right now, and I'm highly enjoying it.

24. YAY! HE BROUGHT BACK "REALLY?!" I don't care that he used it in order to make fun of it, it's awesome. Excuse me... AWWWWWWWWESOME!

25. I'd try to summarize what happened with Kurt Angle there, but it feels like they keep trying to change the match in order to confuse us into watching it. It's the Shield reunion guys, people are gonna watch this! What is this, WrestleMania 2000 hosted by Oprah? You get a stipulation, you get a stipulation, EVERYONE GETS A STIPULATIOOOOOOOOOOOON!

26. Next we have Sasha Banks against jobber-entranced Alicia Fox, who pinned Bayley last week by the way. Ugh. Why does she look like she's smiling while in the submission? She gets a side-cam promo that sounds like something my nine-year-old says when she needs a nap, and she joins the Neville club of being pissed off about t-shirts.

27. Alicia Fox taps again. Thank JBL we had that match, otherwise Sasha wouldn't get the Lesnar moment of wiping blood off her face. Wait, did she just... William Wallace herself? What is this, Basketball?

28. No. No! I cannot have Alicia Fox followed by Enzo Amore, who's a certified Ali G this week. Enzo says some things, but then my house's adorable level increases when Donatello after drinking the Super Shredder ooze comes out for some counter promo work. Enzo counters by quoting Jack fucking Parkman before he has the 205 heels who are suddenly okay with him attack. Kay.

29. Enzo is WAY better as a heel. That was pretty badass, all things considered. I think that was the first time I ever took him seriously.

30. Champions coming out first and separately? What the hell, Shield?

31. Really? We can't even show clips from PPVs that were a month ago? We gotta do photos to show what happened to Cesaro's jaw? What in the actual fuck?

32. A t-shirt made out of someone's injury and using dog tags for intimidation tactics? I must be really out of touch.

33. What are the stipulations for the main event again? If Braun wins by pinfall, Axel gets to be in the match, but if he wins by getting out of the cage, then Matt Hardy gets to be on a third team of randomly intervening free agents who utilize their power to invoke real life justice. But if Roman Reigns wins, they get Cesaro's teeth back and display them Dennis the Menace style using one of those demonstration mouths the dentist has. If nobody wins, the match becomes War Games and Sheamus has to dye his mohawk lime green and call himself Ginger. I think I got it.

34. Cole gets to cream himself over Roman Reigns yet again. After seeing a series of suicide dives, he hits puberty while saying "imagine ROMAN REIGNS added to this mix!"

35. I can't remember the last time I saw Dean Ambrose not wearing jeans.

36. Now the Bar is in a motivational speech most. Shouldn't he just Bo-lieve?

37. Curtis Axel goes HAM sandwich, and says he wants to fight Roman Reigns. Braun has the most badass line ever. "Then go find him." What's he so out of breath from? Motivating super hard?

38. Oh goodie, an entire recap of that weird towel face character change moment, because it wasn't silly enough the first time. That's not even the voice he used, what the fuck? Last week it sounded like the villain from Scream. They must've even realized how strange that was.

39. Finn mentions Samhain, something I've never heard referenced on RAW before, and he uses it to become... The Great Demon Pumpkin Monster? How are we supposed to give a shit about him bringing out the demon to fight the same guy again? The only good thing I find about this is that I'll get to see that entrance in person on Sunday.

40. Three "really"s in how determined Mickie is? That's impressive. And Mickie's partner is the the person who got pinned by Alicia Fox last week. Sure, why not? Where was this hugger when Team Hell No needed one?

41. Bayley has been thrown into that security barrier so much, they should name it after her.

42. Mickie ends up getting the pin for the face team to a rousing round of indifference.

43. We then go backstage with Curtis Axel seeing the Shield doing strategy stuff, and Axel hulks up and... commercial. Oh, the tension!

44. WrestleMania commercials for Nawlins. It's been a whole four years, so it's about time we head back.

45. Mickie uses "biscuit butt" again, whatever that means, we get to see Alicia Fox and Sasha... again, and now for another Network shill.

46. I guess everyone but Miz has access to the stuff that's on video, because Curtis Axel gets... hung from a forklift? That's... random.

47. Even with a forklift hang recovery, there's someone there with a mic saying "excuse me" like they're all huge Vicki Guerrero fans.

48. Now for the cage match where Roman might get powerslammed through it or worse, and it gets ruined by Graves calling Strowman "uber confident." It's just silly night in the Strowman angle, isn't it?

49. I'm not sure if I'm more sick of the Chili's song or of Snoop Dogg listing wrestling descriptions.

50. A Reigns win means that there will be a fifth member of the Shield's team but not the fourth. The fourth will be there in spirit. A Strowman win means that Curtis Axel must do a step-for-step re-enactment of the halftime show match between Mankind and the Rock, but he must do the commentary himself while re-enacting the match. If the match comes to a draw, they must challenge my friend Chris Kluwe to a punt, pass, kick, and smile contest which they will inevitably lose because Chris Kluwe's smile is better than any argument ever made, and they'll instead form a sitcom where wrestlers and former punters all live in a house and make home-made IPAs.

51. Strowman's bench press cover break was really badass. Nice version of that. The banned from ringside people are now at ringside. Hey Farva, what's that place you like to eat at with all that shit on the wall?

52. Despite all their rage, this is still just a match in a cage.

53. KANE! It's KANE! He came through a perfectly square hole in the ring. Do I get to see Kane on Sunday? Holy fucking shit! A kickass remix of that theme too! Another part of the Shield's first match is back, and a 20-year anniversary run for the Big Red Machine. Kane and Strowman on the same team? Good fucking JBL, I haven't been this excited about a wrestling thing in a long time. Chokeslam, chokeslam, powerslam, tombstone! Despite making his 4324th heel turn, I am stoked and infinitely more excited for Sunday than I was. Well done, WWE. Well done.

54. Wow, all it takes to pin Roman Reigns is two chokeslams, two running powerslams, and a tombstone. Kane and Strowman standing next to each other, what a sight!

55. Here's a sentence I don't say very often: That was an awesome go-home show. It was fun, it had decent matches, it didn't have too much filler, and, oh yeah... KANE! My favorite wrestler of all time has returned!


Gotta go to Curtis Axel for his heavy breathing forklift summoning. Dean Ambrose was close though.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt
8-7-17 - Paul Heyman
8-8-17 - Arn Anderson
8-14-17 - Big Cass
8-15-17 - Breezango
8-28-17 - John Cena
9-4-17 - Braun Strowman
9-11-17 - The Miz
9-18-17 - Neville
9-19-17 - Dolph Ziggler
9-24-17 - Paul Heyman
9-25-17 - Alexa Bliss
9-26-17 - Dolph Ziggler
10-2-17 - The Miz
10-3-17 - Rusev
10-9-17 - Finn Balor
10-10-17 - The Usos
10-16-17 - Curtis Axel

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.

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