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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #322 - Thoughts on RAW - 9-25-17
By Marissa Laiman
Sep 25, 2017 - 11:15:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017




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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #322 - Thoughts on RAW - 9-24-17

1. I should've waited until the end of the PPV to decide to go to TLC next month. Oh well, I haven't been to a PPV since September 2003, so might as well.

2. At least we're starting off with the Miz, whose theme must not have hit until he was two feet from the ring. Miz starts to talk, but has to wait cause Cole is yakking and going to show us snapshots.

3. Heh, the Miztourage "came to play" a factor. I see what you did there, Corey.

4. Did Axel and Bo make this week's outfits out of Goldust's hand-me-downs.

5. Miz seems awfully fond of Roman Reigns. That's an odd dynamic, all things considered.

6. Roman, as usual, looks annoyed and disinterested.

7. Every time someone says "passing of the torch," take a drink. Aww, Roman respects John Cena now, how sweet. He puts it as the best win of his career, and I don't think anyone buys it. He's insulting Miz too now, so he's going back to awkward face.

8. What the hell? This was the guy talking trash about rookies and not needing to fight anyone, now he's making Agent Smecker jokes about getting drinks because consistency, what's that?

9. Miz cares so much about his stable that he forgot one of their names. Now he's talking about a Miztourage/Shield match, so it's in no way going to happen. No... Way. Don't worry though, Roman's going after Brock Leslesnar, not the Shield, so it's cool.

10. Miz finally finds the fire that's been making him appealing more than ever again, and Roman smirks cause that's what he do. Roman threatening to beat up the Miz actually gets him a pop. Miz does his best to powder out as quickly as possible, but oh shucks, the guy he keeps talking shit to is there waiting for him.

11. We've got a Miztourage/Hardyz match, so a tag team match that isn't some combination of Shield/Bar/Club Sandwich. Oh no, wait, Jeff's out with needing surgery. He's tagging with Jason Jordan, who has some experience in tag matches, but we had to change that. Why, again?

12. I saw the Where's Waldo guy. Wearing a black shirt this time.

13. They're really trying to sell this Matt/Jordan tag team hard, aren't they?

14. Miz is going to the Lion's Den? Shamrock is back?

15. Bo takes an incredibly awkward fall out of the ring. That didn't look pleasant.

16. This is a surprisingly good tag match, considering the odd combination of personalities involved. Hell, there's one half of the legendary Rybaxel in there...

17. Why are they talking about Matt Hardy as a singles wrestler during a tag match, and also making it sound like a career retrospective? That's odd, considering the match is still going on and everything. Matt Hardy wins almost too easily, and there we go. Still pretty good. Looks like Jordan got a shiner though.

18. My cute, happy husband missed the opening segment and just saw the graphic for the Miz/Reigns match. This guy has been watching wrestling all of three years and even he said: "What? Already? Build it up, you idiots!"

19. En contrare, Corey... I DO wanna miss Total Bellas. At least it doesn't have a weekly segment promoting the show anymore.

20. Recap hour. But it's not in snapshots! I don't understand how to comprehend this! Wait, nevermind. Now it is. But the pictures shake, so it's almost like watching clips.

21. That was mood whiplash; going from Paul Heyman screaming Bork Laser to Jojo sounding disinterested about Elias being there.

22. When will Elias and Aiden English hang out and decide they sound good and should start a band?

23. Wow, the face's music interrupted his song. The sound guy is so rude to always be cutting off such musical endeavors!

24. Are the Shining Stars wrestling? The commentators sound deafening in this empty hall.

25. Apollo got kicked in the fuck for checking on his manager, and that's it. Titus FINALLY fights back against someone, so I guess he's finally done being punished for grabbing someone's arm.

26. Next, we've got Finn Balor thanking Bray for making him do things he's never done before. Well then...

27. Finn now wants the Universal Championship too, so we're about to get some kind of multicontendership match again.

28. Meanwhile, Curt Hawkins is about to lose to someone again. Yay.

29. Oh shit, it's Braun Strowman. Curt does the smartest thing any of his opponents has ever done, and runs away. But he can't outrun him, and he gets chokeslammed, extremely awkwardly, through a table.

30. Hawkins then gets bodyslammed through the freaking screen. Not enough to put Lesnar out though, but one F5 is enough to beat him. Kay.

31. Who could be crazy enough to challenge Strowman? What kind of lunatic would be on the fringes of sanity enough to want to fight him after that? Well, his name is Dean. We like Dean. At least Strowman (probably) won't Lesnar up their match. But here we are, another potentially interesting high profile match being given away for free randomly, so there's that too.

32. I still find it weird that shows can be sponsored by their own video games.

33. Cole, what good would a time machine do Curt Hawkins if it's far, far away from here? No good, because he couldn't outrun Strowman to the stage, let alone to a time machine far, far away.

34. Dean's wrapped shoulder reminds me that Cesaro's shoulder has had tape on it for like five years now. I wonder what'll happen for the tooth he lost.

35. Dean doing the Owen Hart slow timber fall makes me remarkably more happy than it should.

36. Dean's winning HAM for his ridiculous selling of this offense. It's not HBK-Summerslam '05, but it's hysterical nonetheless. This is fun though. A lot of fun. More fun than it has any right to be.

37. For a guy who chokeslammed someone through a table, he guided Dean toward that security barrier awfully gently.

38. This would be a perfect opportunity for a Shield reunion hint, especially with Roman's history with him. That's why it won't happen. They found out we'd like that.

39. No surprise that Dean ends up losing, but good to see one powerslam is enough to pin someone again after two in a row wasn't.

40. What great advice to the ref. Keep an eye on the shenanigans. Such practical. Wow. But let's interrupt that with the guy who got destroyed and then suddenly won a title. Kurt's "What?" reaction sums up the last few months. Enzo then makes himself even more unlikable by blowing off Kurt.

41. Snickers recap of the beer truck moment, but with weird generic dub-over music after the glass shatters. One of the all-time great moments in HAM, Vince trying to swim through beer on the mat.

42. CFJ confronts Ambrose about taking wild risks, but he's facing Sheamus... again. Time for some wacky toothless jokes though! They're in that spot in their relationship rut where Dean thinks he's too predictable, so now he's gotta find a boombox to play over his head and show Dean how crazy he is. Now CFJ gets a match against Strowman.

43. Now we've got the women's champ out to totally not make the first steps toward "The Empress vs. The Goddess" (thanks to the commenter who pointed that one out last night in the No Mercy column.

44. Alexa trying to say that she considers the fans friends is as believable as Roman Reigns trying to make one-liners. She goes Substitute Study Hall Monitor on us all though, and that too might be a contender for HAM. Love it!

45. Cleaned out the entire women's division, but apparently Mickie James has something to say about that. We know who she really means by that.

46. Alexa took the HAM from Dean for a perfectly-placed Top 8 on MySpace joke. Well played, Mauer.

47. Mickie does what Roman couldn't against Cena, and calls on her burn level. This is one of the best women's promo segments in a while. Alexa then finally calls her an old lady, which was essentially what she'd been saying the whole promo anyway, so... Go Mickie?

48. Ambrose and CFJ definitely had match of the night last night, but it was brutal enough that it's surprising that both of them are completely capable of competing tonight. That powerbomb spot toward the end was a jawdropper.

49. Cesaro will be the Jeff Hardy of this contest, there for moral support. So many people need mercy after No Mercy.

50. The match itself is... Fine. I mean it is what it is. But we've seen these two every week for like two months now.

51. Great line after a running knee on the outside: "Rollins better call Cesaro's dentist!" Corey Graves for the win again!

52. CFJ ends up getting the win with what I think is his new finisher this week. Hard for there to be any heat for it though.

53. Goldust insists on being referred to as his whole character thing, and then quotes the same transcript that the commentators say. He's offended that Finn Balor saw him as a victim. Goldust then attacks him because he's about to be in another feud that's not in the title picture. Kay. At least he's back in the run of things, I guess?

54. More recaps!

55. Fantastic promo work by Cena entering a new stage of his career, but take another drink for torch passing.

56. This match is on already? What's main-eventing?

57. Miz is trying to bargain his way out of the match like he's Drew Carey in the 2001 Royal Rumble or something. I bet that'll go well for him.

58. This match picks up where last night's left off. Roman Reign's throat thrusts have the power of a Clothesline From Hell in an Iron Fist.

59. Daniel Bryan kicks are no match for Roman Reigns's WrestleMania future. The distraction though gives Miz time to get out of the ring so he can't follow up the Superman swat with the spear. But 3 on 1 odds and distractions are also no match for the inevitable.

60. Roman wins again. ::yawn::

61. The Miztourage immediately attacks, which means Reigns will overcome the odds again somehow despite everything, because of course he will. Yep. Three on one, barely affected. For fuck's sake... Why would he even need the Shield? He can handle it all himself.

62. The other two have chairs now, and that's finally enough to make a difference. Miz finally ends up with a SCF, but two of those in a row might get a two count. After leaving, they turn around and decide to attack him more. Good. That speaks a lot for what they think of Miz, even though he lost. I don't think anyone's gotten in an assault like this since CFJ first turned on him.

63. Ooh, they're doing the Shield thing. Look, at those shadows. Perhaps over there, and fore. Maybe four of those shadows. Note the use of chairs though. If only there was a PPV approaching where Chairs would be incorporated.

64. Goldust got jobber entranced. How dare you rob us of that gloriousness. Speaking of which, have they not been using Bobby Roode? I didn't notice him on the Smackdown I caught.

65. Put that catch phrase in there one more time, it's been so subtle so far. I feel like he's about to become part of a restaurant employee training video. "The difference between ordinary Finn and extraordinary Finn is that little extra."

66. Goldust wins. Repeat the catch phrase yet again, please. Maybe we can get David Koechner to say it.

67. We get some weird Wyatt stinger thing and FUCK THIS FEUD IS CONTINUING!

68. This Damnation preview they've shown every break on USA makes me think that the Jarhead trailer is making a comeback.

69. Trouble is afoot with the Super Best Friends. Don't you know what can happen with an un-answered text message, Sasha? Ask Kevin Nash!

70. Okay, which one of them is turning?

71. More Kurt/Enzo shenanigans! Filler, filler, FILL-ER! Filler, filler, FILL-ER! There's a red light in the background. That used to mean Kane was about to come smash somebody. If only we could be so lucky.

72. "I don't like post-ers! I don't get pushpins shoved in my face, because I'm not made of cork. Don't put mosaics on my chest, I don't like post-ers!" It's not too many limes, but what is?

73. I'm struggling really hard to care, seeing yet another version of this match, but its placement has to mean a turn is coming. That's all I'm really looking forward to with it.

74. Bayley gets the win over Emma, because why not? She's got some of that Cesaro super shoulder power tape, so that was probably the advantage. When's the turn? Nope, nothing? Kay.

75. Wait, THIS is getting the main event? Enzo being annoying? That can't seriously be it, can it?

76. California king bed is a version of the cheap pop? And oh joy, he's got a curtain picture thing!

77. He's going on a rant about "You Can't Wrestle!" chants? Really? He put himself in the league with Cena, Batista, and the Rock? What is this even? Now he talks about making 205Live relevant. Tell me the whole roster of 205Live is going to beat the fuck out of him.

78. Oh look, the roster of 205Live. Now he's gonna roast them all. Why not?

79. It appears there was one missing, and Neville comes out to part the sea. He looks dazed and confused, ::bass line:: and who wouldn't be? Neville takes the mic and drags his speech like he's been drinking all day.

80. Neville's doing more to put over the division than anything since the CWC has. Pointing out what a dick he's been, and doing it quite well.

81. Enzo's got a clause that keeps Neville from beating the everloving fuck out of him. Neville does it anyway, awesome! Intensity and emotion in the cruiserweight division. I'll be damned, it actually works. I mean, not as good as a random six-man tag match, but it's decent.

82. Thank you Neville, indeed.

83. Enzo gets backed up into the whole division, and the beatdown continues. He shoves the contract in his face and kicks him right in the fuck. Thanks for standing the whole show again, Waldo.

84. A surprise ending to RAW, and overall, a pretty good show, all things considered. Can't complain.

HAM OF THE NIGHT

Close call between Neville, Dean, and Alexa. I gotta give it to Alexa for the best delivery though. Any of the three could've taken it though.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt
8-7-17 - Paul Heyman
8-8-17 - Arn Anderson
8-14-17 - Big Cass
8-15-17 - Breezango
8-28-17 - John Cena
9-4-17 - Braun Strowman
9-11-17 - The Miz
9-18-17 - Neville
9-19-17 - Dolph Ziggler
9-24-17 - Paul Heyman
9-25-17 - Alexa Bliss

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.

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