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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #319 - Thoughts on RAW - 9-18-17
By Marissa Laiman
Sep 18, 2017 - 11:00:25 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017


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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #319 - Thoughts on RAW - 9-18-17

1. As usual, Cole welcomes us to the show with the same line, and it's Sing Along with Kurt Angle's theme time. Ah shit it's a go home show, no wonder it's starting off with a promo. Kurt then also welcomes us to RAW, because we might've forgotten by now.

2. Time to run down the No Mercy card, and also to remind us that the WrestleMania matches they could've had is going to go in September instead.

3. Doesn't take long, but last week's hero of the masses comes out in some swag he borrowed from Del Rio. He absolutely killed it last week. I don't think he's shaved since then either. They're gonna throw together a match for the IC title shot, because sure, why not? Miz isn't a fan of being in a match with Jason Jordan either. Miz hates nepotism, then points toward sons of former stars. Ironic.

4. Miz accuses Kurt of trying to make up for 28 years of shitty parenting with a Playstation. At least until he has to ask what his line is.

5. Jason Jordan comes out super serious, wearing something I think I saw in a dorm room one time.

6. Pretty sure Bo Dallas threw himself out of the ring. That'll do him good practice for the Royal Rumble in a few months. Nice though that other former members of jobber groups are also instantly getting shots at titles.

7. This week on Family Matters, Carl tells Eddie why in a wrestling company, it's better not to fight back. Cue the cheesy 90s sitcom music.

8. Alexa Bliss is present. This day got better.

9. Nia Jax's music sounds like it's saying "I love my posters." It's no Lobsterhead, but it'll do.

10. Psychology instead of running into a brick wall. No wonder Bayley was getting booed. Alexa tries to bail, but someone's right there waiting for her, Ala Richard Marx.

11. Oh good, a commercial for Dancing with the Stars that is also tonight... I'd rather watch the movie Taken remade shot for shot exactly the same, except with Nic Cage as Bryan. Wait... Who WOULDN'T want that?

12. Dropping the Asuka references. At least it'll be a new name to face the same people over and over again. Nia again cleanly pins a champion, because fuck you, that's why.

13. Maybe some time off was good for Bayley, because her sudden surprise theme got one helluva pop. Let's see if they figured out how to deal with this. Why does she look like she's about to cry. They do a... Collaborative Fuck Spear? Three Dog Night Pounce? Alexa tries to make friends with Bayley and Sasha, but I have a feeling that won't go well. It doesn't. Imagine if Sasha had also turned right there though...

14. Not a good night for Alexa Bliss. But who needs that when we can go to cheap Network shill? What caliber are the two matches on No Mercy? Survivor Series caliber? Fully Loaded caliber? Brawl for All caliber?

15. Who needs to go see It when the Puppymonkeybaby commercial exists?No

16. I wish I could say something poignant about Bobby Heenan, but I will say that my thoughts go out to his family, friends, and fans. I didn't get to witness his work, so I can't really say a whole lot, but the thoughts being shared alone show how well thought of he was.

17. They then completely ruin it by saying what Bobby Heenan would say about the fucking match on Sunday. That's fucking shit. I know this company has a habit of trying to pivot off tragedies, but they're not usually that obvious about it. Video package, skip.

18. So which combination of The Bar/Club Sandwich/2-3 Shield are we getting this week? Oh goodie, Bar/Club Sandwich. Yay? Think they get added, Nia/Emma style?

19. Time for Lobsterhead to complain about nostalgia, telling the kids to get off his damn lawn.

20. Cesaro speaks slower for the "what?" chants. That's funny. The fact that the chant still exists 16 years later? Not so much.

21. Crossfit Jesus's theme got cut short. Must be a different one every week or something. CFJ responds with some old movie references while Sheamus is clearly unimpressed with his mirrored sunglasses.

22. Karl comes out talking about Brothers and misses a perfect time to make a Brother Love reference. The crowd seems to enjoy the 1984 Ogre joke. CFJ and Dean sell that insult hard, like Marty McFly being called chicken.

23. Yay, a triple threat with these three teams. That's different.

24. I wish I cared about this match. Same problem as with the New Day/Usos. If you do it every week, it stops mattering, no matter how technically sound the matches are.

25. The tag team champions almost got pinned again by a perpetual loser. But rather go to another commercial break to stretch it out even more.

26. It's weird that the Superplex became a transitional move at best. It used to be a pretty big deal.

27. Cesaro just got freaking monkey flipped over the top rope.

28. The Bar got the cheap pin on... what a shock... A Club Sandwicher. Good, long match, but I found it hard to care who won or what happened.

29. Flashback to the first MITB ladder match at WM21? That's an... interesting choice. And that led into... the Reigns/Cena video package because they're twinsies? Kay.

30. Oh good, they're censoring the bad words from the video packages. Glad to know they were only okay in the moment. Otherwise the kids might lose their minds.

31. I forgot how tall Goldy is. He goes fourth wall and wants to wrestle as himself, because this PPV cycle has been "fuck the fourth wall." Must've been cut from the Hulu version. He still does the bite thing though.

32. Curt Hawkins has a match, so whoever's facing him wins. Or, maybe he'll be the next Universal champion. 114 match losing streak? Poor guy. He talks about himself in the third person, so glass half empty.

33. Ohai Apollo Crews. The good news is, one of you has to win a match. Apollo does. No shock. It's a go home show death hour match. Corey Graves in with an Iron Mike Sharpe reference for the win!

34. Split screen interviews. Will it end the exact same way as the Joe one?

35. Braun got a rusted metal backdrop. Did he steal that from Foley's boiler room?

36. Ooh, Lesnar said "bitch" now. I'm sure it'll be cut from the recap.

37. Speaking of recaps...

38. The last go-home show was good, right? This has been... Well, it's been a show.

39. Now Bayley's in the match? Sure, why not?

40. Beat that WrestleMania dead horse for Roman Reigns, Michael Cole. I can hear Vince McMahon over the headphones going "SAY IT'S WRESTLEMANIA IN JULY, DAMMIT!"

41. How am I supposed to take Reigns seriously when he's being called out, he still doesn't care about anything? Good call on him showing what Cena said about the Rock though.

42. Well.. He mimicked the promo from Cena five years ago, so... That's one way to go, I suppose.

43. I love how they keep asking the Hardyz what they're gonna do if they have to fight each other. Not only did they face each other at that show they think it is because of the two matches, but they fought in the previous multifuckall match for the IC title. Consistency, JBLdammit! You suck at it!

44. Why does the Asuka promo mask look like that weird frozen Jor-El head thing from the original Superman movie?

45. Really? Still showing snapshots of Summerslam instead of clips from the match? It's been a freaking month, come on!

46. That music with an unpainted face is freaking weird. He also has the most sunken eyes of anyone I've ever seen.

47. Remember when Goldust was getting a protege and had weeks worth of promos? That happened, eh?

48. At least Dustin's intensity gives me something to give a shit about during this show. That's why it won't last. They found out we like that.

49. Shattered Dreams! Sorta. But that's when the word "vintage" applies, Mr. Cole. But he runs right into a Sister Abigail and it's over. Sigh.

50. Ooh, Finn gets a Titan Tron promo too. I'd be so glad to pay money to see a wrestling show and have half of it on the damn screen.

51. Enzo's up next. Delightful.

52. Great tribute to Bobby Heenan. I feel like I got to at least get a little familiar with someone who is obviously legendary to so many.

53. Oh shit, Enzo just got BRAUN'D! As if last week's verbal burial wasn't enough, he's getting dragged by Braun randomly. The crowd's chanting "Thank You, Strowman." Perhaps Enzo's act is wearing thin with the crowd too.

54. Now.... Neville comes out... before Strowman leaves for some reason. Neville has a look on his face other than an annoyed grimace, so that's something. He almost looks amused at what happened, and who wouldn't be? Piling on the Enzo flushing, a Red Arrow on top of it. Holy shit, that's some Neville HAM on top of it. There's a rare source of it! I may just give it to him for that.

55. Neville has a match with Gran Metalik, so yeah... Neville wins. Tearing the mask from the luchador though? Not cool. It's great to see some actual emotion in a 205 match though. That's something sorely lacking. But Neville wins. Shock.

56. Well, after eight seconds of match, we should go back to commercial. Why not?

57. Damn, Elias got hops!

58. Booker T just quoted Drowning Pool after the five-man indy spot. I'll file that under "sentences I never thought I'd write."

59. Holy shit, this match woke me up after a snoozefest of a go-home show!

60. Jordan ends up getting the win after having the most storyline to gain from the match. Shock. Fun match regardless.

61. The Miztourage make a strong statement afterward with Miz dropping some hurtin' verbal bombs. Jason Jordan is Jon Snow now, apparently.

62. What a boring show. If they'd had a show that was nothing but hype videos and had no actual live show, outside of the main event it would've barely felt different at all. That said though, No Mercy looks like a hell of a lot of fun.


Neville. He not only changed his facial expression but then verbally HAMmed it up too.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt
8-7-17 - Paul Heyman
8-8-17 - Arn Anderson
8-14-17 - Big Cass
8-15-17 - Breezango
8-28-17 - John Cena
9-4-17 - Braun Strowman
9-11-17 - The Miz
9-18-17 - Neville

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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