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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #314 - Thoughts on RAW - 8-14-17
By Marissa Laiman
Aug 14, 2017 - 11:00:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017




LAIMAN'S LINKS

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All my books and bookings are available at RisMcCool.com

IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #314 - Thoughts on RAW - 8-14-17

1. Previously, on The Shield...

2. Are they drawing this out for extra drama? It doesn't make any sense that CFJ was the one who turned down the fist bump, because he's been begging for it for weeks. But that's my only minor complaint about this storyline.

3. Ohai, Boston! I'd have stayed an extra day to come see RAW and/or the Tribe play if I'd known it was a day after I flew out.

4. Dean waits a while before deciding he's had enough of his now-no-longer-resembling-Corbin theme, and it's time for ring confrontation opening promo segment thing!

5. But what about you? Nuh-uh, what about you? This is what I wanted, but now I'm mad that you did! Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA! Kiss him, you fool!

6. CFJ offers that up ridiculously easy for someone who turned it down last week, but listen to that fucking pop, holy shit. Milk it for all it's worth, Dean! Nope, he seems as confused as I was in the opening montage. But this story has to conclude at Summerslam, which would be a rare occurrence of PPVs being where storylines end instead of transition.

7. CFJ tries to leave, but Dean holds him back! Oh no, who will interrupt the tension now?! Now CFJ stares at it after freaking begging for it! Then he turns it down again after freaking begging for it, and they get into a brawl. Aiden sums it up perfectly, "lover's quarrels are always so ugly." They're so upset they get all stuck in the ropes with someone's iPhone on the floor.

8. Now Sheamus and Cesaro attack, and they're so exhausted from their tickle fight that they clearly can't fight back.

9. After some intense brawling, they finally start fighting back at the same time and clear the ring of the fools. Silliness aside, this is the best slow burn storyline on RAW in a while.

10. They fight over who gets to throw the fist before finally hitting it at the same time for a HUGE reaction. I guess they could've played the old Shield theme, but we all know who kept that.

11. Breaking up that one of the two themes, is Kurt Angle, who gets to continue to be amused at his own chants. Surprising absolutely no one, the tag title match is officially booked. Who cares, that was awesome and the crowd ate it up. This can only mean one thing; the dead-hour of RAW is going to suck.

12. Oh my Chomsky, all four wrestlers from the main event in the ring at the same time? That'll be the first time we've seen that in like two weeks!

13. But first, in true Smackdown fashion, the contenders for the women's match. Becky Lynch is calling for gimmick infringement. If this ends in some kind of double countout that makes it a triple threat, I'm gonna break something.

14. Is that a lifeguard chair? Are we about to have Caddy's Day at the pool for fifteen minutes? Nobody drop your Baby Ruth!

15. Corey Graves gets an early nod for HAM by confusing a lifeguard chair for the fucking Iron Throne. Michael Cole brings back his "it's all about hashtag X," because that's what's been missing from my life. And suddenly, we're in commercial already. Hope you didn't... you know... sneeze or something.

16. Nia Jax flings Sasha into the damn barricade carelessly, and they say she belongs in Fenway with a swing like that! Get it, it's local! Although it'd be tough to outdo Edwin tonight regardless!

17. Sasha ends up kicking out... Okay, she flinched her shoulder, but you know, tomato, tomathto.

18. Oh wait, this is her hometown? Yeah, she's screwed.

19. Great psychology by Sasha, to roll out of the ring after taking a harsh move. You don't see that often, even at times where that would be the obvious conclusion.

20. The strategy experts at the strategy table talk about what a strategic move it was for strategy to utilize that strategy because strategy.

21. Ooh goodie, one match in and a double commercial performance! Maybe Ax will tell me that seeing if your armpit is dry is weird with a third actor using the exact same script again! It's like a Network shill but with shame glaze.

22. It's all about Summerslam, Cole? I thought it was all about hashtag women's title? You lied to me, just like I found out Mitch Hedberg did in Seattle last weekend.

#MitchHedberg, you lied to me.

A post shared by Marissa Alexa McCool (@littlerissygirl) on




23. Sasha makes a great counter into the Bank Statement, but then outdoes herself with another reversal of a Tornado DDT to get back in the submission! Nia taps out, but at least they made Sasha earn it instead of just going to the next closest one when Bayley was out. Alexa's Baywatch pose does not approve. Sasha defies the "lose in your hometown" trope, I'm impressed.

24. We cut to Kurt who is totally really reacting to the match he just watched, but the Hardyz come by to talk about old times. Matt hints at something DELIGHTful before the Miztourage cuts them off. I can't help it though, I love Miz's fake laugh. Before Miz can continue doing his thing, he's cut off by a problem with Finn Balor and Bray Wyatt. Oh NOEZ!

25. Mae Young was a fucking badass.

26. A cross-promotional match involving Floyd Mayweather? Why I've never heard of such a thing!

27. Oh, they were just fighting, and it took the whole commercial break to get there before Kurt brings back some old school HAM Sandwich trying to break it up. Other guys Angle was on the roster with are getting some screen time. For some reason, Angle decides to give us a PPV match tonight, because fuck you, that's why.

28. Yes, Cole! Finn and Bray, live! As opposed to Summerslam, which was pre-recorded.

29. The newly one-named Elias is gonna piss off Boston for some reason. But I'm guessing someone killed his father, so prepare to die.

30. Another Fenway Park joke. Where are we again this week?

31. He's cut off by.... TROOF. That lasts around the amount of time of the opening of WrestleMania 28. Cole even throws in the word wicked BECAUSE DID WE MENTION WE'RE IN BOSTON?!

32. This Machine Gun Kelly song is already worn out its welcome. I haven't wanted to see something from my hometown go away this much since Johnny Manziel's mugshot. SEE I CAN DO SPORTS REFERENCES TOO, WWE!

33. We're bringing back the shark cage? It at least sort of made sense with Jericho. Is this just a random thing now?

34. Cass lasts about ten seconds before he starts corpsing. Start your promo over word-for-word, Cass! It won't seem obvious!

35. Oh, that's what he's going for. Nice. He's got that expression like "are ya done?" And it's working.

36. I guess he decides that the more booing is too many cooks that'll spoil the broth. And those of you who know that Adult Swim reference now have it stuck in your head. You're welcome.

37. Great line about Enzo needing someone to back him up when he pisses someone off daily. Oh Cass, where you been hidin' this HAM, man? Holy shit, he keeps turning it up to 11!

38. Finally, someone's coming out to talk some shit in return. Not the guy in the match, that'd be silly. But the one who's gonna try not to have to pee during that match. Enzo mocks Cass's inability to start a sentence. That's pretty good! And there he is, the funny guy. Enzo Amore, quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. Or, as Graves put it, "Big Show's low standards for friends." Win.

39. Big Show's attacked from behind by... Club Sandwich? Why? Is that who they're booked to lose to in a six man tag this week? Show, Enzo, and... let's see, one of the random "nerds" Club Sandwich has been messing with? No, they're going to tie him to the cage with a belt. All right... Enzo gets kicked in the fuck for the 84th time in a row, and oh no, they're gonna shut the door on his goozle hand!

40. Must be the halfway point. It's recap hour. Gotta admit though, the first half of this show has been well-paced and entertaining for a go-home show.

41. Speaking of things given away free on TV, a Cruiserweight title match because... Why the fuck not?

42. If at least two different matches are happening now instead of Summerslam, does that mean we don't have to sit through a pre-show?

43. Of course, Cole, it is indeed all about hashtag X. That's on the Twitters that the kids like, right?

44. Is something wrong with the hard cam? This entire match seems to be taking place from the ringside cams. Oh there it is. Still, that was odd.

45. Neville rolls to the outside, is it time for Cole to ask a question? It sure is.

46. Tribe wins. Awesome. I'll be taking the family to see their first game at Target Field on Thursday afternoon. Aiden's athlete crush Mike Clevinger will be pitching. He's in no way blushing right now as he reads that. No... way.

47. All things considered, this has been a pretty damn entertaining match. What a run Neville has had with that belt, and it's gone almost entirely unnoticed.

48. Neville using some great ring psychology to work that shoulder. He then blanks on the Red Arrow. Tozawa finally hits, and holy shit, Neville actually lost the belt! Good thing they bumped that up so it wouldn't be on PPV. But at least the rematch will, I bet? Oh that's right, Apollo Crews is part of this thing too! Definitely the best RAW-televised Cruiserweight match in a long damn time though.

49. Network shill script time. Bet it's the same one as it was last week! And in the words of Rachel Phelps, "Oh no! Not that JBLdamn song again!"

50. More recaps! "In case you came in late..."

51. Mickie James and Emma are backstage trying to get on television with their Stephanie McMahon staring-at-their-phone impressions. And Twitter's of course blowing up, with a hashtag there: TWEET OUR SHIT AND GIVE US MONEY! Gee, is there gonna be some kind of match about this? Emma's blue lipstick lifted straight from the baldguy in the horrendous Dungeons and Dragon's movie does not approve of this.

52. They don't even stop fucking yakking during Wyatt's entrance. That's a negative "shut your mouth" count! Sure, why not...

53. I know I've been making fun of it, but is anyone getting the feel of a really desperate push. Even the New York Post to brag about where Summerslam will be next year?

54. The OLE! chant? I think I missed something.

55. So why is this match so heated that it needed to be bumped up six days?

56. Fuckdammit, they brought back the shaky video game replay cam bullshit.

57. So, Bray wins in rather anti-climactic fashion? Okay... What was the point of that? To make Balor bring the Demon King to beat him at Summerslam? Finn gets up, and gets hit with another Sister Abigail. Kay.

58. We get a stinger, but they stay with it, and suddenly Balor is in the corner, and Bray has a bucket of red liquid like he's the fucking Brood or something Point? Please? Something? Explanation? As their WrestleMania match proved, you can't just have random things that are vaguely creepy and expect it to make sense!

59. Oh yay, MORE RECAPS!

60. The crowd is absolutely silent. Gee, it's almost like having a match with two barely-featured wrestlers caused by arguing about the various Internets is a pretty lame reason to have a match or something...

61. What a maneuver! And Mickie wins to absolute silence. But it's nice to see Mickie James win a match again. Cole can't resist trying to work in yet another hashtag.

62. Oh good, a movie that's had a preview every commercial break for a month, better show us again just in case.

63. Cut back to Miztourage, now to commercials. Different commercials.

64. Finn's got his demons too! Finally, they didn't ruin it by having it appear the week before first. Well done, second time around!

65. This is certainly a great time to run through Jason Jordan's collegiate academic resume. You know when might've been a good time to do this? Before his singles matches. Imagine that!

66. The Miztourage jump in on it, and the Hardyz make the save. Summerslam six-man tag match? I think so!

67. Oh nevermind, why don't we have a six-man tag right now instead? Sure. Cool. Don't get me wrong, the matches tonight, and the show itself, have been pretty good. Way better than expected, given that I was expecting more of the Mickie/Emma type... But you ARE trying to get us to tune in on Sunday, right? Right?! Is Kurt gonna come out during a main event brawl and make the title match happen right now too?

68. What a fun combination of characters here. And I think Jeff Hardy's undershirt was made from Alexa Bliss's eyeliner. Not that that's a problem...

69. Fun match with an exciting ending. It's a shame Lesnar no longer cares. Someone who can suplex like Jordan might be a good match for him.

70. So wait, he's willing to go all out to protect this one, but others are just "fuck it?" And you have security out for a guy who openly assaults security nonstop. Brock comes out first. Tito will be thrilled. Speaking of which, if you missed our joint column from last night, be sure to check out our semi-annual State of the WWE column.

71. Keep pushing that hashtag, Cole. It sounds more authentic the more you say it!

72. Take it home, Paul E. Will miss you. Apathetic Wonderlobster? Not so much. Now there's an allusion to "others not involving WWE." Subtle.

73. So much subtext. Paul E. is freaking brilliant. Brock looks bored and shifts his weight more than Baron Corbin doing his taunt. Still manages to work in a Network shill too.

74. Gee, is Reigns gonna come out last? Again?

75. Braun Strowman yells at me... Yep, shocker. Reigns gets to come out last, because of course he does.

76. Heavy boos. Better turn the mics down. Reigns immediately spears Joe. Why the fuck not? Roman gets stomped out, and now.... Oooh, Lesnar standing off with Strowman. The Security waits until now to hit the ring. It's only protecting the main event now. Now two employees are going to punch paid security employees of the company and not face any consequences for it as usual. Kurt Angle, you have authority, don't you? Use it!

77. Everyone who wasn't on the show hits the ring, and the brawl of trying to continue even through the tag. It finally ends.

78. Okay, problematic in the way of trying to give too much away too early, but damn that was a fun go-home show. Cole and other people trying to force too hard, throwing in references that they really, really, REALLY want you to hashtag and trend to the point that I had to wonder if it was 2011 again... But I had a fun time tonight, despite everything. I'll be missing Summerslam, just as I did last year to get married, but I'll check it out as soon as I get back. I'll try to be here for Smackdown tomorrow night, but I'll be in the middle of nowhere next week enjoying some time off, alone time, and much-needed recharging.

HAM OF THE NIGHT

It's tempting to give it to Paul E. since we may not see him again for a while. But someone else went above and beyond for their honey-sliced goodness.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt
8-7-17 - Paul Heyman
8-8-17 - Arn Anderson
8-14-17 - Big Cass

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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