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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #310 - Thoughts on RAW - 8-7-17
By Marissa Laiman
Aug 7, 2017 - 11:15:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017




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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #310 - Thoughts on RAW - 8-7-17

1. Miz wastes no time in calling out the son of Kurt Angle. As lame as this storyline may seem, let's not forget that one of the greatest angles of all time involved Fake Diesel becoming the Undertaker's brother. His mentioning of an illegitimate son makes me think I'm still watching Game of Thrones a day later. At least no one's named Kingslayer...

2. Kurt Angle joyously arrives, announces Jordan vs. Axel, and introduces a MizTV guest that will exceed expectations...

3. Ohai Bork Laser, you're allowed to show up two weeks in a row? I've got a feeling this won't go well for those in the ring right now. Can't imagine why...

4. While Toronto figures out which chant they're going to use, Paul is about to deliver us a HAM sermon... A HAMmon, if you will... And Miz cuts him off. Oooh, dem's be fightin' words! We get a Miz Heyman impression out of it. It's like Jason Sensation returned from the depths of the Attitude Era.

5. Miz reminds us all that if Bork loses, he go bye-bye, never to fight again... except against that UFC guy. Miz is on fire for a guy who wasn't prepared for that interview. Impressive.

6. When did Miz go Dr. Evil? Does he have a hairless cat to stroke?

7. Miz and Heyman are in the middle of the ring talking about role-playing, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean e-fedding. Curtis Axel gets to be Braun Strowman, a confusion/comparison never before made in any household of wrestling fans. It turns into a Summerslam preview. The Miztourage is about to get slobberknockered again. Lesnar's face is as red as his sunburn was when he came back with sunglass tan lines a few months ago.

8. Crossfit Jesus comes out next to avenge the evil bastards of the kilt. Call me crazy, but Rollins looks like he's bring a bit of the chaotic Dean style to this match.

9. Sheamus ends up getting the win, mostly because apparently friendship was not magic this week. Once again, very Dean-like, CFJ dives out to go after them, and it goes like absolute shit for CFJ. They await Dean, and the crowd is freaking begging for it. Maybe he'll manage to not run right into a two-on-one this time?

10. Nope, Dean didn't feel like running into a two-on-one, but CFJ made the choice to do so. Weird reversal of tropes, indeed.

11. Gee, is CFJ gonna find Ambrose backstage awaiting with a snarky smile on his face? Ohai Dean. CFJ turns up the HAM to say what he has to do? He's just a lonely loner, loning all about.

12. The menu music of a fighting game from 1996 means that Jason Jordan has his thing going on next. Does the actual son of a Hall-of-Famer have a chance against a fake one? But Axel isn't feeling so hot, and some guy who happened to have wrestling gear on backstage but whose name was unknown... Yeah, you go fight my son.

13. Jean-Pierre Goulet? Any relation to Robert? Get Ethan Suplee in here and we can relive Boy Meets World season two. The crowd is chanting something that I'm sure makes sense to people more in the know.

14. Jordan gets some pretty decent heat for getting the win there. Makes sense, given where they are. Thanks for coming, Goulet. Maybe you'll get to sing at Cory's detention during the credits.

15. Bayley did look legit injured last week, and it appears that it was so.

16. Suddenly red dress (Ohai Lisa, you look beautiful today), appears from off frame, and we get to see injured wrestler cringe-worthy footage, for which she gets criticized for not looking up at? Like she didn't experience it the first time?

17. Why are they booing Bayley for thanking people that reached out? Is it just the social media references? How can you boo Bayley?

18. Title shots should always go to someone who lost the chance to get that title shot. That makes sense.

19. And she's facing... JBLdammit... I'll be back after this. We all know Sasha wins.

20. Oh hey, Sasha won.

21. So Enzo and Big Show are the latest weirdly-thrown together tag team, and their schtick is interrupted by... Of course, Club Sandwich is out to pretend that they still have credibility. Was a Dr. Evil reference like the "maow" game in Super Troopers? As many people try to get it in throughout the show as possible?

22. We get a whole two moves in before we got to cut away to commercial from this mat classic. Good thing too, my excitement level was way too high. I needed a break.

23. Big Cass gets to do the slow walky out distraction thing. Gee, will Enzo lose yet again? I bet Enzo loses yet again.

24. Enzo actually gets a move in before he predictably gets destroyed by Cass yet again. Shock.

25. Show finally gets the upperhand, literally, and Team Yes We're Serious gets a one-up, finally.

26. Next, here comes the not-Demon King to confront the Eater of Worlds. Or, as it turns out it may be called, the light department's super amazing magic light show.

27. Finally, the Bar is out to have their confrontation with the other guy and say Dean, we like Dean. Dean seems to be having someone difficulty just the same as CFJ did. House divided and all that stuff. Also, did I miss when he started becoming the Swiss Cyborg?

28. Cesaro punches Dean right in the fuck on a dive, and that looked absolutely devastating.

29. CFJ comes out to make the save, in the face of Dean's accusations that he wouldn't have.

30. What a moment, the crowd is absolutely dying for this. They've worked with a bit of a slow burn here, and that's been to their advantage. I love this storyline; it's the best thing on RAW right now.

31. And the Tozawa train is back on yet again. I'm sure it'll be more interesting this time around.

32. I've been doing my best to be interviewed live and keep up with the column simultaneously, so if I've missed some audio details, do forgive me.

33. We're back to the 205 Live portion of the show, and Daivari is doing a thing again. Yay...

34. Can anything be done to salvage this? Can anything be done to recapture what 205Live had the potential to be coming out of the well-reviewed CWC? I can definitely be on the record saying that I wanted to like this and I wanted to care about it a lot, but they've actively made me care less and less about it. Would it be having the 205 show in the NXT Arena with the smaller crowd? Or would it be presenting it similar CWC-style? Like, it's similar to having so many NXT call-ups fall flat. What needs to be done to fix this problem of the meshing brands and styles?

35. Oh good, Roman Reigns is about to shrug and look disinterested into a microphone again! Joyous day!

36. That's right, Mickie James is still on the roster! I wonder if she has a chance.

37. Of course she didn't. We all knew Nia Jax was going to win.

38. Time for Network pitch time, oh joy.

39. Hey, Goldust is back. Is he done with the R-Truth stuff and moving on to something relevant? I hope so. This seems like it could be interesting mesh with a younger, charismatic character.

40. And now, Cass isn't thrilled that he got punched in the face. Gee willickers, will the madness ever end?

41. Now it's time for the main event, another gimmick match between Reigns/Strowman before the Summerslam main event involves these two.

42. This is like the Bayley/Nia Jax match all over again, not that these matches have followed a similar pattern. Gee, Roman got thrown to the outside, I bet that's where the fall's gonna take place!

43. Roman has looked like more of a badass than he has in any of these other encounters in the second part, and that's been so necessary. He's actually emoting, and that's saying something. He's using these stairs like the Rock using a chair on Foley in 1998... minus the headshots and concussions, of course.

44. They've used the Driveby counter before, but damn that still looked sickening. That happens when you make people face each other over and over again, but I never get sick of that one.

45. "He is one tough son of a gun." If anything has made me miss the Attitude Era and Austin tonight, it's that. I realize you're trying to appeal to the kiddies, but come on, it's the 1100 overrun at this point. One swear word is not going to break their minds.

46. Braun just summoned his inner Sabu of awesomeness and threw a fucking chair at Roman. Cole of course ruins it by saying it's one of the most incredible things he's ever seen, because we at WWE know no limit to ridiculous hyperbole. Cole reacted like Braun summoned an actual lightning strike or something. Wrestling is weird.

47. Now we're gonna act like being tossed into those flimsy-ass screens is devastating, but they're trying, and in ways that don't involve attempted vehicular manslaughter.

48. I don't know, Cole, will this be the it for Reigns?

49. Strowman's cleaning off the announce table. Reigns will get up before he goes through it. Of course he will.

50. "We might be here all night, guys." Don't joke about that.

51. Cole literally hit puberty with that spear. "REIGNS HIT THE SPEAR! OHMYGOD THE SPEAR!" Suddenly, JOE! Goes after Reigns and not Braun because fuck you, that's why. Though it does get a tremendous "Thank you, Joe!" chant going. That guy with the beard and white shirt in the front row sure has gotten a lot of screen time. Strowman then gets up like it's nothing and wins the match. And then, it just ends. Okay. That's how it happened.

52. Once again, this show started out fun, and then dragged. The main event match itself wasn't bad, but we've seen these two fighting endlessly for months. It's really hard to get as excited as they want us to be.

HAM OF THE NIGHT

Well, I have several choices, but I'm gonna go with Paul Heyman and his ridiculous roleplay setup for Lesnar to fuck shit up. He didn't win HAM of the Year by mistake.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt
8-7-17 - Paul Heyman

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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