IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 9-24-12
By Al Laiman
Sep 24, 2012 - 11:11:10 PM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts: RAW 1009 - 9-24-12
1. Greetings and salutations, ILT fans/detractors/random passers-by! It's Monday night, class let out early, and I might actually get this one done before tomorrow! I let a half hour go by so that I could fast forward commercials and replays when needed, so hopefully I don't catch up to live TV too quickly. The big news of the week is that John Cena is injured. How is this going to effect the RAW landscape? Paul Heyman introducing himself to a sitting CM Punk is an indicator that a bomb of pipe proportions may be dropped rather quickly tonight. He announces that RAW won't be presented until justice is served, referring to the controversial ending to last week's main event. In the process, Heyman puts over Cena's effort, which is something lacking in today's lesser heels. Pay attention! Heyman chooses to "summon" the referee, and I don't think it will go as well for him as the Lesnar referee callout from a few weeks ago. Heyman won't be going anywhere until he hears Mr. Creedy's resignation! Maddox looks like he got this job in the "Look More Metro Than The Miz" contest. Maddox admits that he made a mistake, and Heyman orders him to resign. Maddox starts to refuse, but Punk almost goes Rocky "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL!" on the kid. Punk yells in his face, and Maddox looks like he's trying not to cry. Heyman gets so pissed that he stumbled over his own words.
2. Heyman goes hammy already, and Punk insults Maddox when he finds out that AJ Lee hired him. This summons the half-booty shorts, half-lady suit outfitted GM... More of that, please... AJ goes snarky on them by using the old assume response line, and she refuses to let Heyman and Punk hold the show hostage. Punk is definitely in angry mode, and he lets loose on AJ and the entire WWE universe, as he's responsible for all of them having a job. Punk decides to show everyone why AJ has it out for him, and they flash back to Punk refusing AJ's marriage proposal. Wow, WWE have more than a one-PPV memory! Punk offers to forget that and everything else that was inappropriate about her obsession if she'll forget the match last week ever happened. He gets really hammy and angry, almost to the level of a Rey Mysterio's little girl "Happy Birthday." It's so good that the crowd previously booing him starts to chant for Punk.
3. Heyman takes over for political reasons, and then gets me to legitimately laugh out loud when he proposes to AJ! It's so ridiculously over-the-top that it's amazing! He says they'll be the most influential couple in sports entertainment history. He'll come up with all the ideas, and she can take credit for all of his brilliance. Wow. Paul Heyman is awesome! AJ likely gets herself in trouble and slaps Heyman and walks out. Very effective opening segment with some great hammy moments! After the commercial, and Maddox apologizes to AJ and promises never to make the mistake again. She goes a bit batshit and says that he'll never work in the business again if he makes a mistake like that. She stays in her head-cocked cuckoolander pose.
4. Vickie Guerrero's voice cuts through the air like a whistle through a blowhorn, and Dolph Ziggler will be facing Kofi Kingston because of a spat on Twitter. Ugh... I don't care. I wonder if they remember that they've already fought each other about two hundred times? TROOF accompanies him with product whore material and sits at ringside. Dolph comes over and makes faces at Little Jimmy, which causes all four of them to get in an argument. Vickie gets soda thrown in her face, and Vickie herself goes a bit cuckoolander and gets herself and TROOF ejected from ringside. Remember when an R-Truth angle started due to a water bottle? Kofi gets the advantage quickly and does a sick rolling flip to the floor and lands on his feet! Wow, how he didn't blow out a knee on that landing is a mystery to me! It of course sends us into commercial, which likely means Ziggles will be near the end of cheap heat when we come back.
5. We come back to Dolphy Gunn hitting a nice exploder suplex for a near fall. Ray Rowe would be proud. They mention something about Criss Angel being the social media ambassador... I don't wanna know. Dolph oversells even restholds, which makes even them fun to watch. Dolphy throws a dropkick that would even put Maven's to shame, and Kofi starts to fight back. Ziggles misses a Stinger Splash and the corner and sells it like he ran into a brick wall. Kofi makes the comeback that is rather similar to Cena's face shine, but misses the Trouble in Paradise. A few counters back and forth, and Kofi hits another rope highspot. Kingston follows up with an awesome springboard crossbody counter, but can't get the fall. Dolphy Gunn comes back with a Fameasser for a very close nearfall. I can't tell if there was some sort of ref's controversy last week or something. Are the referees taking extra precautions or something? Did one of them get in trouble? Please REMIND ME! Ziggles kicks out of the S.O.S., which always looks amazing. Kofi gets caught in midair, but Kofi somehow catches him! Ziggler comes back, Kofi hits another crossbody! Wow, this is an incredible televised match! Dolph finally takes advantage of a Kofi miscue and gets the win, but kudos to both of them for a fantastic performance!
6. Cena's surgery is mentioned, and Smackdown is recapped with Daniel Bryan and Kane one-upping each other. Dr. Shelby takes Daniel Bryan to a diner, and tells him that saying "I am the tag team champions!" isn't even grammatically correct. This guy is great. He seeks to show Danielson that they can co-exist, and Kane shows up in the outfit he wore for a Chef Boyardee commercial back in 2001. Kane asks to take his order, and Bryan makes fun of him before Dr. Shelby reminds him that it's not Kane, it's Gerald the Waiter. "Gerald" then goes into great detail about what he did to the chef, concluding with serving his remaining pieces all over the food today. Dr. Shelby asks Kane if he's kidding, and Kane says, "I don't know what you're talking about. My name is Gerald." That was AWESOME! Later tonight, the Twitter poll is finally doing something relevant; picking their tag team name. Vote for Team Anger Management!
7. The Prime Time Players get the jobber entrance, and are facing the team of... Santino and Zack Ryder? What's their team name? The Del Rio J.O.B. Squad? Oh well, at least Chris will be happy that Ryder's getting TV time. This emphasis on the importance of the tag division though is what many of us have anticipated for over a decade! This could be a great thing for some of the stars who aren't directly challenging for singles titles too, but instead of just thrown-together tag teams, they seem to be establishing them, ala Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio. The faces dominate the beginning, and Santino gets a fall broken up by Titus. Santino does a hip toss, which means he's about to get hurt. Titus got the blind tag and hits his finisher, and Santino's performance was every match he's ever had with Alberto Del Rio. It was an appropriate name! And I guess there was an issue with the officials recently. Were you aware of this?
8. FOLEY! I wasn't expecting that! It appears that Mick Foley is tonight's special guest, and given that they're in New York, that makes sense. I love that he's a standup comic, because when I saw him live at HersheyPark in 2000, he could really work a room with a Q&A session. He's not here as a legend but as a member of the WWE Universe. Foley describes the change that CM Punk brought, and recalls that the Punk he knew was the Voice of the Voiceless, which summons CM Punk's second appearance of the evening. Punk and his blue hoodie of doom are not impressed with Mick Foley.
9. JR notes that Foley isn't his jovial self, which probably means he's getting kicked in the head at the end of this. Punk demands that Foley say what he wants to his face instead of grandstanding to the people and remaining relevant. Foley reminds Punk that after Punk won the WWE championship that he texted him and Punk responded in two minutes. These two going at it on the microphone is going to be something to watch if they both play it up. Punk goes super angry at the people in the crowd before telling Foley that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Foley counters by saying that he didn't become somebody in the business until he stopped listening to Paul Heyman.
10. Punk and Foley continue to go back and forth until Foley reminds him that at the end of the day, Heyman will do what's best for him. Foley questions Punk to why he would need a mouthpiece, having been one of the best talkers in the business. He concludes his inquisition by asking if he's gonna be a Kool Aid drinker. Punk yawns to show that he's still not impressed. Foley then brings up Hell in A Cell, and references that it made him who he is. Because of that, he never had to ask anyone for respect, like Punk has been doing. JBLdamn, Foley is freaking brilliant. Punk then uses the words that I just did to describe his speech, and then asks if Foley wants the old CM Punk. Foley suggests that Punk step in the Hell in a Cell with John Cena. Punk goes over their recent storyline and throws the title in the air to show that he's still the WWE champion. He compares Foley to Bret Hart's recent escapade, and says that it would be embarrassing if Punk tried to put his hands on Foley, but won't lower himself to do it. He then decides to go Alberto Del Rio on him and say that Foley is beneath him. Some guy in the far background is raising his hands up and down with his cell phone in the air. In comparison to Foley trying to get the respect of the fans for all that he did in his career, Punk wants to bring them to their knees. KNEEL BEFORE PUNK ZOD!
11. Punk defines his legacy as 309, the length of his title reign, and this infuriates Foley. He says that 29 days of his cumulative title reigns means nothing, and he goes classic Foley, ripping into Punk and yet building him up to be motivated as only Foley can do. Foley then gives Punk the ultimatum and reveals that AJ gave him the choice to accept his moment of greatness or settle. Now that is how you bring back a legend and put him to use. Foley just showed yet again why he is a legend on the microphone and at putting people over. Two Punk promos, two pieces of awesome for completely different reasons. I'm guessing with the Cena confrontation coming, it's going to be three. At least the WWE champion is the focal point of the show.
12. The Miz is prepared for his match against RyVD after his bomb of a talk show segment. The master of the invisible pyro is prepared for his first match against credible competition. The former Skip Sheffield dominates early and throws Miz around the ring. Miz tries to weasel out of a few of his moves, but the T-1000 overpowers him. Miz gets out of the ring, likely flashing back to Skip Sheffield NXT promos, but each time Miz starts to get ahead, RyVD counters out of it. Miz finally gets an advantage in the ring and gets a close fall with his sitting DDT.
13. Miz tries to keep the advantage, but the T-1000 hits the Clothesline from Skynet as it appears that a fan ran into the ring. RyVD hits all his trademark moves, and while he finally got a credible win, it unfortunately made the Intercontinental championship and the title holder look like absolute shit. I don't care how big the guy is, he should not be in squash matches against a titleholder.
14. Returning to the diner, Kane and Danielson agree that they can never be friends. Bryan then brings up that they beat up eight men on Smackdown and that it was a lot of fun. They start to bond, and they... No way... They're re-enacting the When Harry Met Sally orgasm scene. Pan to, of all people, Mae Young... who delivers the classic response line. That just happened, people. They worked Daniel Bryan's chant into that. Can I really say anything that knowing that doesn't already tell you?
15. AJ is backstage with the referees, because you know, they haven't had anything to do with recent storylines. She reminds them that everyone makes mistakes, and that instant replay exists in other sports. The Black Hole of Charisma walks in with Carlton and his hammy sidekick, and AJ notes that they've all been victims of the Brogue Kick, so they'll get a chance at redemption in a six man tag. She's Teddy Longing it, playa! Ricardo then finally shows the ham we know he can, and gets super excited for the tag match against Sheamus, Rey, and Sin Cara.
16. Wade Barrett has come down from the Skybox to grace us with his presence. Tyson Kidd got the jobber entrance, so I guess he really did get Trent Baretta'd after his win over AT&T. The "We Want Nexus!" chants have returned, and if recent reports indicate anything, they may act on that. How will they recruit RyVD? Barrett gains control rather quickly and shows off his bareknuckle prowess. Tyson comes back with a really awesome-looking vaulting ropes move, but it goes right back to Barrett dominating. With all due respect to Barrett, how do they waste Tyson Kidd like this? Barrett wins with his Power of the Elbow after a Barrett Hole Slam. Did what it needed to do.
17. Michael Cole gets in the ring to talk about Jerry Lawler, and they show a photograph from Lawler's collapse. Cole says it's an absolute miracle that Lawler is so far along in his recovery, and the pictures are frightening. You can see how blue his face was. Cole welcomes Lawler to a huge and deserved ovation. Lawler's voice is still very raspy from the tubes down his throat. Cole asks him the last thing that he remembers, and he describes Hart's confrontation with CM Punk, but he doesn't recall the tag match in which he partook. The next thing he remembered was waking up in the hospital in Montreal. He thought that he was in Aruba with his girlfriend where he'd recently been.
18. Lawler's response is very genuine and emotional, and Michael Cole has definitely gained a new respect in my eyes after the last few weeks. Cole asks him when he's going to return to his rightful throne, and Lawler makes a joke about anyone sitting next to Cole for three hours and not having a heart attack. He announces that he'll leave his return up to the doctors, and King once again gets a huge ovation from the Albany crowd. I'm very grateful to be writing this and not adding another incident to the long list of recent befallen wrestlers that are no longer with us.
19. In an interesting transition from Lawler's music to the Hollaback Masterpiece's entrance theme, I'm guessing the entrances for the six man tag will lead into another commercial. JR tells Cole that he did a great job, and I couldn't agree more. Have to admit I never thought I'd say that after the last few years. The Black Hole of Charisma drives out in a car that looks like he should be wearing a monocle and smoking a cigar made out of a clubbed baby seal with it. It turns out that we didn't even get through the entrances before going to commercial, so I guess the poor Albany fans are stuck with Del Rio's gaping void of anything interesting for the duration.
20. Sin Cara is decked out in an outfit that even Goldust would find a bit loud. You know, I wonder if Rey Mysterio's entrance theme was inspired by COPS? But it is indeed a shameful thing (LOBSTERHEAD!), as we go to ANOTHER FUCKING COMMERCIAL AFTER SHEAMUS'S ENTRANCE?! Let me get this straight... Two entrances, commercial. Three entrances, COMMERCIAL?! What's next, a tie-up, an indy standoff, and another commercial?! John Bradshaw Layfield, this is getting ridiculous!
21. I don't give a fuck who the social media ambassador is. I barely know who Criss Angel is, and I don't care. Sin Cara and Rey hit a double high spot through the ropes, but Otunga cuts off the shine. Rodriguez gets in the ring, wrestling in a tux, and attacks Cara from behind. We know the man can actually wrestle, so it's a shame to not let him show it. That fall from the ladder last year was still one of the sickest spots I've ever seen. As Del Rio and Sin Cara are in the ring, I can only think that their attire is a throwback to really old school wrestling. They're wearing the same gold colors, but the good guy (Cara) is in white, and the bad guy (Del Rio) is in black. Finally, I enjoyed something in which Alberto Del Rio was involved, albeit for a completely irrelevant reason.
22. Rey Mysterio gets the hot tag, and his outfit looks like a New York Giants uniform. Well, they are in New York, I suppose... As Rey goes to the top rope, Del Rio does an awesome climb to the top and kicks Mysterio's head. That was an impressive move. Hollaback Masterpiece comes in and flexes like he's in a Geico commercial. Ricardo gets back in the ring and pretends he doesn't know what he's doing. Del Rio gets back in and keeps the cheap heat on with a rest hold. Mysterio goes Eli Manning and fights back from a deficit with a dropkick to the face, and JR calls it poetic. Kay...
23. Lobsterhead gets tagged in and dominates Masterpiece, who is wearing damn near the same ring attire. Carlton avoids the Brogue Kick and tags Ricardo on the way out of the ring. The fiery champion lines the poor hammy manager up for the forearms, and gives Del Rio number ten. Appropriately enough, he's set up for the 6-1-9, and Cara tags in to hit a springboard senton, which looked awesome, and the faces get the win. It's pretty funny how much of a height difference between Lobsterhead and the other two there is. A pretty standard six-man tag, but it was a good bit of fun. Afterward, Carlton is in the ring and Cara and Mysterio goad him into nailing him with a BOOT TO THE HEAD!
24. Dr. Shelby is back with Anger Management, and I'm sure it's no coincidence that a K-Mart sign is right in the middle of them. The waitress brings meatballs for Daniel Bryan and a salad for Kane, who looks like he's about to touch toxic waste, or Chyna's new porn film. Dr. Shelby asks Kane how he feels, and he lets loose with an obviously-dubbed belch. Bryan says that it wasn't as bad as he thought, but then looks like he's about to have a seizure. Dr. Shelby chants "NO!" at him, and unfortunately gets a vomiting Danielson in his lap. Kane raises his hand and concludes with a "Check Please!" The first one of the three was easily the best, but this angle has managed to stay fun. Unfortunately, Team Anger Management is not one of the options. It's down to Team Teamwork, Team Hell No, and Team Friendship. I have a feeling Dr. Shelby's idea will come to fruition here.
25. The crowd comes alive for Daniel Bryan, who easily gets the most consistent crowd reaction from anyone these days. It's a shame the guy doesn't have any charisma and won't ever amount to anything in the big leagues, right? Surprisingly, Team Hell No wins, and that's kind of lame. The team we all were anticipating in Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes ambush them from behind, indicating that Anger Management will have some better competition than the Prime Time Players. Sandow lets them know that they now have a reason to truly be angry, which may come back to haunt him. Recalling how Sandow and Rhodes teamed a while back in what seemed like a trial run, I'm very glad to see they went through with it and formed team Rhodes Scholar. Once again, this new focus on the tag division is wonderful!
26. I guess the crowd was reacting too much, and the Divas are out for a tag match to pacify them. Kharma is gone, Beth Phoenix is leaving, and Sara Del Ray isn't here yet... I'm running out of reasons to even pretend to give a shit about the division. Eve and Phoenix are taking on Layla and Alicia Fox, who I guess is a face this week. At least she's not facing Melina, or it would be the greatest match of all time. I got distracted for a few seconds, because a meme was more interesting. Eve and Beth Phoenix get the win.
27. Kaitlyn interrupts their celebration, and says that she "scored" the security footage of what happened to her at Night of Champions. How exactly do you score footage? It turns out that she's a blonde. A blonde that attacked someone backstage? Oh no! SHE DID IT FOR THE ROCK! SHE DID IT FOR THE PEOPLE! She attacks Beth Phoenix for it, to absolutely zero response. Poor Beth, I can't blame her for wanting to get out of this.
28. Well, I'm finally caught up to live television. Just in time for my soon-to-be-wedded sister's favorite wrestler of all time, too! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! Captain Brodus and the Funkateers make their way to the ring as some kid in a CM Punk shirt has possibly the worst rhythm since JR trying to rap on WWE television. He's facing Albert Tensai Train! Wow, this could be a trainwreck... An A-TRAINWRECK, if you will, and I bet Greenwood will save this match on DVR to watch over and over again! That is a lot of guy in the ring. AT&T gets an early advantage, but he walks right into a Brodus headbutt. He tries to suplex AT&T, but it goes rather badly. Suddenly, the Big Show's music hits, whaaaaaaaaaaaat? I guess it has been too long since he bored us all to tears. He WMDs AT&T, getting him the win via DQ. Brodus gets pissed and runs right into another one. Once again, Big Show makes Brodus Clay look like shit for no reason. Thanks, I guess I was enjoying this show too much. Dammit, I can't fast forward through the commercials.
29. Criss Angel digs Cena's pink gear. Thanks, that really enhanced my viewing experience. In a sling, Cena remarks about there being mixed emotions. It's serious, downtrodden Cena time, and he makes sure to plug the Komen hat, and makes a great point, putting over the WWE Universe as a whole. Cena's voice cracks as he decides to apologize to the WWE officials. He goes off about how Punk has turned into... something I'm not even gonna try to transcribe, but I did laugh at him remarking about trying to make it PG. Cena says that he won't guarantee his recovery or what he's about to say is safe, but promises that he's going to walk into Hell in a Cell before Living Colour cuts him off.
30. CM Punk comes out for his third promo of the night, and stares at a ginger kid who I assume is trying to steal his soul. He then goes a little Ric Flair and teases a little kid trying to slap his hand. Punk compares Cena to politicians and says he doesn't buy into anything Punk says. He claims he won't lose at the hand of a one-armed man, which I guess means he's not going Richard Kimble on everyone. Hey, he was from Chicago too, hmmm... Punk decides not to accept Cena's challenge, so I assume AJ will override it and make it happen anyway. Punk tells Cena that talking all that trash was a bad move when he only has one arm and says he should run or he will hurt him worse than he ever has anyone. Gee, I bet nothing can go wrong turning your back on your greatest enemy. During the countdown, Cena pulls a lead pipe out of his pocket and smacks Punk in the gut with it. He capstones it by saying, "Now that's what I call a pipe bomb." As Cena shakes hands with the kids at ringside, Punk is backstage and walks past Mick Foley. He stops and then kicks Foley in the gut and walks away. He stops again, but turns around with a frightened look on his face. The camera pans to... RyVD standing there breathing heavily. Well, I guess they're not wasting any time putting him in the title picture. Overall, of the three promos, the one with Foley was easily the best. The first two hours of this show were great, but the last hour left a lot to be desired.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
Gotta give it to Heyman for ridiculous marriage proposal, with Anger Management once again coming very close to taking their share of a ham again.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S EPISODE