IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 9-17-12
By Al Laiman
Sep 18, 2012 - 1:28:18 AM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts: RAW 1008 - 9-17-12
1. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! While some of you were enjoying Night of Champions, I was at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia enjoying Kamelot and Nightwish. The best part was that we found a leather sofa in the very back of the second floor, and were able to watch the concert while having drinks brought to us and sitting down comfortably. Best concert experience ever. I'll let the hardcore people who want to stand for five hours have their fun without me...
I'll take sipping on a vodka with a leather sofa, an Ottoman, a perfect view, and our own monitor every single time! Now, on to wrestling... NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! Night of Champions seemed to be reasonably good, and I'm sure I'll find out when I see it, but the results weren't surprising. I'm also glad Cena and Punk's feud will continue. I think they'll win my vote for feud of the year for the second year in a row. Let's hope everything that's been going strong the last few weeks keeps doing so. As the show starts with CM Punk's music, he's really starting to get Cena pops. Paul Heyman instead walks out, and I have to admit that it's really weird seeing him alone coming out to that song. Paul is adding serious heat to the still-popular CM Punk, and is therefore fitting the manager's job perfectly. Heyman calls out the referee from last night to defend his controversial decision from the main event of Night of Champions. The photo shows where the pinfall was counted for both men, as their shoulders were both down. Paul sort of lampshades the WWE's no-video camera policy by saying that the camera phone video taken of the final decision was "suspiciously" taken down. Now they're putting that homemade video on television, which will in no way whatsoever encourage people to take more videos. Heyman concludes that the match was a draw and the draw goes to the champion.
2. Before he can continue, John Cena's music hits. A loud "Cena Sucks!" chant breaks out. Cena's playing it very straight, but argues that he wasn't arguing with the decision but the "finality" of the decision. He says it's like ending the Super Bowl in a tie instead of continuing the match like any other time was rather convenient. Cena asks Heyman if the guy who has always been fighting for respect should want to end a match in a draw, to which Heyman says simply, "YES!" No surprise, a chant breaks out, and Cena once again gives Daniel Bryan props for that phenomenon. Cena goes on a rather good explanation about how winning a match the right way is how you earn respect, and he wants to relive Night of Champions to get a final decision.
3. Heyman seems to stumble a little bit by saying that Punk will answer his challenge... When he gets here. He then proclaims to be "The voice... of the voice... of the voiceless." Dear JBL, that's hammy. Some familiar music cuts him off, and the Black Hole of Charisma, ironically dressed in all black interrupts him... Oh no. After his forty eight unsuccessful challenges to Sheamus' title, he deserves yet another rematch. AJ skips out to the ring, and few of us are complaining about that skirt she's wearing. She "Teddy Long"s the the two main events from last night for a tag team "Super" main event to determine "if there will be a rematch, and who will be in it?" Um, by the definition of the word "rematch", doesn't that imply that it would be the same people involved in the original? Otherwise, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a rematch.
4. Michael Cole is sporting a "Long Live the King" t-shirt, and he happily describes that Lawler is doing well, and I definitely approve of this use of Tout. I really hope they don't exploit this too much. A familiar clanging hits, and it's the WRRRRRRRRRESTLINGAH GAAAWWWWD to do commentary as he did last night. But wait, I bet there's more! JR and his power goatee are coming down as well! Okay, this combination could be legendary. Cole toned down, JBL doing anything, and the greatness that is Jim Ross in the same commentary booth? I approve of this message.
5. Rey Mysterio is teaming up with Sin Cara, who appears to be doing his best Shark Boy wardrobe choice. Mysterio is apparently now mentoring Sin Cara, and this gives us more of an opportunity to revamp the tag division. They're facing Epico and Primo, and this match could be very exciting. The match has a very quick start, and looks to be living up to hype, so naturally we go to a commercial. Who would want to see this match in its entirety? Mysterio gets the hot tag and he looks faster than he has in years. Cole mentions that he's one of the best underdogs, which once you've won a world title more than once, I don't think you can be an underdog anymore. Riddler Mysterio hits a double 619 and a senton to the outside. Sin Cara does a Jeff Hardy-style Swanton Bomb, sans the acid, and makes a strong case for their tag team.
6. The Prime Time Players do a beatdown of the winners of this match out of nowhere, and it looks like Darren Young used Jamie Noble's old finishing move. Titus says that they were the legitimate number one contenders for the tag team titles, and they yell over each other about taking what they want. They are gonna do all the taking! Takers gonna take like Slaters gonna slate! They are who we thought they were! A moment from Night of Champions follows it up with each Kane and Daniel Bryan declaring themselves to be the tag team champions. Cole calls them the most unexpected tag team champions in history. Cole, Kane and the Hurricane, line two?
7. Beth Phoenix gets the jobbers entrance, which is a really bad sign for her career. Eve is the new Diva's champion, and gets an Al Snow pop. JBL makes an awesome reference to aliens creating stonehedge and Jesse Ventura conspiracies while describing the convenience of Kaitlyn getting hurt. This is basically a heel vs. heel match, and the crowd couldn't care less, save for the eight people chanting "Let's Go Phoenix." Eve wins via roll-=up, the most vicious move in the history of the division, but having JBL on commentary made it all worth it. He was freaking hysterical. Looks like we already have two challengers to take the ham away from Kane and/or Daniel Bryan for the first time in three weeks!
8. FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! Brodus does his usual dance while trying not to make any DUI jokes to his Funkateer. His opponent is gonna be Heath Slater while Claudio is on commentary. Slater gets in some early offense, working the knee and getting in some good strikes. Claudio continues with his five language gimmick by calling Brodus an embarrassment, of which I'm sure Greenwood approves if she hasn't fast-forwarded already. Claudio steps his lanky ass up on the ring apron and Slater gets a near-fall from the distraction. He goes to the top rope, but walks right into a huge headbutt and sells it like he got punched by Deebo. The Miz is backstage, and it almost looks like he finally has some depth to that douchebag beard, but it could just be the shadow.
9. Speaking of the Miz, he rocks the three-piece while bringing a mic with him to the stage. He puts himself over as the champion who retained against the worst odds, and because of that he gets. His. Very. Own. Talk. Show. It's about time we had a new promo segment like this, and I think Miz could make for an interesting host. I notice that all the former shows he lists, Carlito's Cabana isn't on there. Das not cool! His first guest is going to be Booker T. I wonder if MizTV is a distant cousin of GTV?
10. Miz is reminding me of an old Larry Sweeney promo he did with Jimmy Jacobs where he'd ask him a question and then pull away the mic before he could answer. Miz finally gives him a chance to answer why he's against Miz and why he reinstated the Brogue Kick, and Booker T doesn't respond. Miz proclaims that it's because he thinks Booker T misses the spotlight. A "boring" chant breaks out, and that's not a good sign. Booker says he should get a new guest, someone who is used to defeating multiple challengers at one time, and that appears to be the cue for the T-1000! Perhaps the Skynet creation who has mastered the art of the invisible pyro is finally going to be in a meaningful feud! RyVD destroys what seem to be some very comfortable sofas, and Miz does an awesome frightened face. That went absolutely nowhere, but at least Ryback is doing something for once.
11. CM Punk and Paul Heyman are backstage, and Josh Matthews asks Punk if he's looking forward to teaming up with the presence from which no charisma can escape? Punk gets on his respect kick yet again and walks away angrily.
12. Santino Marella comes out, because I guess he hasn't jobbed on television in a while. Vickie Guerrero's banshee squall indicates that will indeed be the case, because he's facing Dolph Ziggler. Ziggles has the personality amped up even more than usual during his entrance. Santino hits one moves and even he seems surprised by this. Dolph Ziggler is not impressed, and nearly knocks Santino out with a dropkick. Santino gets whipped across the ring, and continues to power walk back and forth. Santino gains the advantage for a little while after playing "mind games". I wonder if he uses those voices that are supposedly in Randy orton's head but don't alter his personality whatsoever? A very audible "Let's Go Ziggler" chant breaks out, indicating that he's getting even more over. Ziggler grabs the Cobra and shoves it in Santino's face, telling him that they're all gonna laugh at him. Another hammy performance tonight!
13. This match is going a lot longer and better than I thought it would. I guess that's what happens when you don't make a guy job to Del Rio in a minute. Santino hits a hip toss, which means this match is about to be over. He goes for the Cobra, which is of course missing, and Ziggles hits the Zig Zag from behind. Vickie swings the Cobra around while Dolph hits another Zig Zag, and Vickie shoves the sock in Santino's mouth like he's Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers. Not bad. I mean, we all knew that Dolph was going to win the match, but at least they made an actual match out of it. It served its purpose without managing to make Santino look like absolute shit because Alberto Del Rio got another title shot.
14. During the Smackdown replay, Aaron's lets us know that Wade Barrett is back! Apparently he's going to let a lucky person sample the Barrett Barrage1 I'm so glad to see him back! His Skybox has been so lonely for the last nine months. He's facing Justin Gabriel, and yes he does still have a job. We get a good history lesson of their past involvement with the Nexus and the Corre. The crowd is chanting something about the Nexus, but I can't make it out. Barrett is looking damn good in his return. Now I've got it; they want Nexus. If it's anything after the first day of it, I'd rather not have it back, but if they could recapture the potential that first day created and actually capitalize on it, I would approve.
15. Justin Gabriel makes his comeback, and executes some very nice high-flying moves. How they haven't capitalized at least a bit on the talent of this guy is beyond me. He hits a really nice springboard moonsault. The bareknuckle background really seems to be playing into his new repetoire, which makes sense. As much as they reminded us that he was a bareknuckle fighter, it's nice to see him go Regal on us and have a bareknuckle fighter finishing move as opposed to the Wasteland, which was just silly. Barrett's punch looks like it legitimately Deebos Gabriel. Good RAW return for the Barrett Barrage.
16. Backstage, TROOF is having a birthday party for someone. Yep, they're going product whore, because it's Subway's birthday, in case the eight commercials for it wasn't enough. Jared from Subway gives them three. Damien Sandow hams it up and asks for a specific sandwich. Zack Ryder makes his weekly appearance. RyVD gets in on it too, and says "Feed me more!" Get it, cause that's his catch phrase and it can also be literally applied too! Wow, was that fucking lame. Meanwhile, back in San Francisco, Sheamus is talking with his partner tonight about reinstating the Brogue Kick. Cena's clearly distracted, and feels he needs to justify getting another shot at the title. Sheamus says that after they win, they're going to toast to an entire laundry list of random things. Damn, even Sheamus is hammy tonight. Speaking of hammy, both Kane and Daniel Bryan are going down the same highway, telling everyone who happens to be standing around in a suit that they are the tag team champions. I love it. Two outta three ain't bad.
17. Anger Management seems to have worn off for Danielson, who is back to yelling at the crowd and tearing up signs, which is always a lot of fun to watch. The crowd just comes alive for this, no matter in what city they're performing. During Kane's entrance, they show a bunch of Tweets. Don't care. Kane and Bryan argue some more, but the crowd drowns it out with chants. I'm going to try really hard to not give them the ham, but hearing Bryan say "You started last time!" makes it difficult. TROOF has traded in his pants for some white ones with Little Jimmy's face on his ass. No comment. Bryan offers Kane a tag, then refuses with a big "NO!" Kane gets in with Kofi. Kofi gets a short advantage, but Kane overpowers him. Kofi comes back with some big kicks. Kane gets knocked out of the ring, Bryan gets vaulted into him, and they get into another fight on the outside as we go into commercial break.
18. TROOF is playing the face in peril, and just starts to come back as Kane works him. JBL calls Team Friendship "two car wrecks in one garage." Dear JBL, JBL is awesome. Yes, it made sense to me. Kofi gets the hot tag, and eludes the power attack of Kane to get some high spots. He sets up for Trouble in Paradise, misses, and then tries another springboard move and walks right into a throat thrust. Kane sets up for the chokeslam, but Danielson tags himself in. They get into a shoving match, and this allows TROOF to get the tag. TROOF goes on a face shine of his own against Daniel Bryan. TROOFston dominates D-Bry for several minutes, and now Danielson is playing the face in peril. I think that's the first time I've seen two teams do that back to back against each other. That's pretty damn cool!
19. JBL is making fun of Cole on commentary, so I don't havfe to. Danielson hits a drop toe hold and I think a mic blew on the impact. Kane gets the hot tag, and Kane hitting a low dropkick is apparently "Vintage Kane"... No. Danielson is about to tag himself in, but Kane catches him. Kane puts his neck around Danielson, and he wrings him up. TROOF gets his finisher on Kane, and then Danielson comes back in to save the match. Soon thereafter, Kane hits a chokeslam and tags in Bryan, allowing him to get the NO Lock and the win. Danielson takes both belts and proclaims himself the tag team champions. Kane gives him the classic head tilt look. Now THAT is Vintage Kane, Cole. Kane grabs both belts and returns the exclamation, which gets Bryan yelling "NO!" and the whole crowd comes alive again. Danielson calms down, and the crowd yells for them to hug it out. This is happening. Kane then puts the belts on each shoulder and they hug, but then Danielson slips one of the belts off, and the Ham-off commences again!
20. Randy Orton is out next, and apparently someone emailed another columnist and called me an idiot for hating them. That that, Al Laiman! How dare you have an opinion! I should just agree with everyone on everything all the time! He's facing AT&T, who decides this week he will be a douchebag to Sakamoto, and JBL has already improved the experience by saying that AT&T had a washtub for a helmet when he played football. Please keep JBL around, WWE! Otherwise, my give-a-shit-ometer would be in the negatives for this match. It's not much more than that, though that could be being hella tired. AT&T is dominating with some decent power moves, and a dueling chant breaks out with my idiot opinion side having some representation.
21. Orton cuts off the heat by hitting an impressive powerslam on the big man. He rolls out of the ring, which sets up Orton's ropes DDT quite well. Orton wins with the RKO, and this is somehow confirmation to Cole that he does in fact hear voices in his head. They're really trying to hammer that stupid point, aren't they? You know what might help that illusion? If he changed a single goddamn thing about himself to make it seem like he did have voices in his head. Instead, he has the same expression he always does, but because he hit a finisher, he hears voices in his head? If he kidnaps Little Jimmy and holds him hostage inside his head, then maybe I'll start giving it some merit.
22. CM Punk and Heyman are backstage again, and they're met up with by Del Rio and Carlton. Del Rio expects Punk to follow his head, via Otunga, and Heyman responds that Punk follows no one's lead. Because Del Rio needs anyone with more charisma, i.e. everyone... to make his points for him. Punk then whispers in Heyman's ear, and tells him to go find Sheamus McFly and go back in time to when Punk defeated him for the title. Nice segment.
23. Damien Sandow is finally back on RAW and thankfully it has nothing to do with a terrible cheap plug. The Season of Sloth (Summer vacation) has come to an end and we're now in Sandow's favorite season, Back to School. Damien, I think you're a bit late on that. Sandow tells JR that "slobberknocker" is not a word, but has a list of words that will better arm everyone. This is a new version of Jericho's 1004 holds, and I love it. Temerity, ignoramus, miscreant... Okay, even more ham this week. The rest of the roster definitely had to step it up, and they did! Zack Ryder's music hits, and he cuts a really terrible promo in response. He remains over as hell, despite his awful booking, and just as the match is about to start, it goes into commercial. WWE, you have three hours of programming now, can you PLEASE FIND A NEW WAY TO MAKE COMMERCIAL BREAKS!?
24. We come back just in time to see Ryder do a high spot. The commentators are so excited about this that they're debating what a legitimate name is, and now they're talking about Lady Gaga. JBL is ripping Michael Cole apart for claiming that Sandow was teaching everyone big words. "Syllables don't dictate hard words, Michael!" JBL, you've got the ham. You win the internet. Please stay.
25. Sandow gets a near fall, but when Ryder kicks out, Sandow gets crazy eyes. Ryder gets a rollup close call twice. The former Idol Stevens looks to be in trouble, which means Ryder will miss his finisher and Sandow will win, if the rest of the show is any indication of booking. Ryder hits the Broski boot for a near fall. Sure enough, within a few seconds and Sandow poses like a major dick. Love it.
26. Hey, did you know Jerry Lawler had a heart attack? I get that it was a big deal, but they've talked about it four times now. I'm very glad he is okay and I still appreciate Cole last week for maintaining his professionalism, but this is really starting to reek of exploitation of a scary event, and it doesn't sit well with me at all.
27. When did WWE jump on the Susan Komen bandwagon? Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with it, but it just seems so random and heavy. All of the sudden, Cena has new ring gear, the Twitter feed for it has been plugged three or four times, and everyone has pink ribbons, even someone in the crowd. Did I miss a memo?
28. Definitely a smarky crowd tonight, as Punk's response is very loud. Punk holds the title up really long while Heyman claps and proclaims him the best in the world. This goes on for several minutes. In fact, it goes the entire way into a commercial. When I saw there were 31 minutes left on the DVR before this match started, I thought we were in for a long televised match. I now see that a lot of that was entrances and Punk showing everyone what a title belt is.
29. Back from commercial, and the match still hadn't started. Wow. Del Rio gets the first strong advantage against Cena. Cena comes back and does the Trish Stratus monkey flip and goes for a quick fall. He tags in Sheamus, who has become so pale that he almost blends in with the mat. Sheamus goes Kennedy and the tags are quick. Punk and Cena are in, and Punk tries to get out of it. Punk calls for time out, which does not thrill Del Rio. Del Rio and Punk go into cheap heat, with Punk taking some cheap shots and going extra cocky. Cena starts to fight back, and Punk hits a really weird-looking delayed drop toe hold. Sheamus comes back in and throws Punk around. Del Rio hits a sick kick on Sheamus and goes on the ground attack. Sheamus magically recovers and throws Del Rio over the ropes in order to land the forearms from Hell. Sheamus then hits one of his signature moves, and Punk is nowhere to be seen.
30. Punk jumps up on the apron, and this gives Del Rio time to hit the Backstabber. The heels once again go into cheap heat mode. The two of them are doing pretty well as a heel team, despite their obvious disdain for each other. At least the main event is being given time and the titles are the focus. Punk has been the champion for 303 days, and if he doesn't drop it at Hell in the Cell, it could reach a year. He'd be the first since Cena hit 380 to do that, if I recall correctly. I'm really mistyping a lot right now because I'm reaching delirium-level tired, but I want to get this done for you guys tonight. Sheamus gets the cutoff, and Cena tags in to a huge pop. Even CM Punk after all this time still goes for a clothesline after two shoulder blocks. He tries to counter, and gets locked in the STF for a few seconds. ADR breaks it up, and Del Rio gets Brogue Kicked for his troubles. Cena his the Attitude Adjustment and gets the pinfall even though Punk has his foot on the ropes. He must be a replacement ref. Apparently the ref could reverse his decision last night but not tonight because... Fuck if I know. Punk is furious as the ref walks away, and that's the end. Very fun overall show, and I just noticed that the preview music for whatever was on after RAW was Hardcore Holly's old entrance music. The show was full of ham and mostly good matches, and the streak of good performances has really turned around my opinion of where WWE is going. Hey, I made Deebo jokes tonight, and sure enough, Friday is on US now. Go figure. Who would watch that movie censored for cable?
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
There were a lot of great options tonight, instead of Anger Management being unanimous. They were contenders as usual, but I don't think they took it this week. Damien Sandow, Sheamus, Heyman, and even Punk at the end made a case for it, but this week's ham has to be JBL. He made commentary hilarious again.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S EPISODE