IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 8-6-12
By Al Laiman
Aug 7, 2012 - 3:27:05 AM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts: RAW 1002 - 8-6-12
1. Well here I am, looking forward to seeing if Tout videos are the main event tonight. I'm really hoping that this three hour show is a lot less of a task to get through than last week's. Because I'm starting late, I'm fast forwarding through all highlight videos and social media bullshit and replacing that with the words "Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas." So if you see that phrase a lot in this column, you'll know why. Apparently the new RAW song is somebody who swallowed a five-blade vibrating razor, but hey, it's not fucking Nickelback! Silver linings, ladies and gentlemen, make all the difference. AJ Lee comes out in almost all white, as the announcers discuss Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas. The first match she announces is the Big Show vs Randy Orton in a battle of who can suppress an emotion more. We're also getting that match's doppelganger, and seeing what could be a pretty phenomenal match in John Cena vs. Bryan Danielson. I wonder if they'll make any Velocity references.
2. Before AJ can continue, Living Colour interrupts her promo, and CM Punk comes out to a surprising face reaction, at least at the start. Punk's gonna be like Arnold Cunningham and "Man Up" to his mistakes (bonus ham for first one who gets that reference), and decides to apologize to AJ. He contrasts his disrespect of her to that which Punk believes he receives. Punk's subtlety is entertaining to watch, and it turns the crowd against him in a second when he asks to cancel the match. AJ seems to have lost the crazy but kept the Kane-like head tilt, and Punk gets a little more aggressive, accusing her of using the triple threat match to get back at her.
3. John Cena interrupts Punk's attempted manipulation and calls Punk out for becoming "One of Those Guys" by demanding respect. And Punk was the last person he ever thought would be that guy. Hey, just like not wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to go see. Don't be that guy! His reaction is mixed but leaning in the face favor, but it's damn loud. Cena does his best Fresh Prince of Bel Air impression by stopping mid-sentence and flirting a bit with AJ. As Punk rants about not being disrespected as the WWE champion, I'm getting the feeling that either Daniel Bryan and CM Punk have been working on their promos together, or have been being coached by the same guy. Punk gets ridiculously hammy by claiming to save Cena's life, and it's already gonna be tough to beat.
4. As Big Show interrupts everyone else, AJ finally calls the whole thing off with a bunch of "Stop it"s. If only she threw in a "Bob Saget Says Stop It" there. CM Punk is angry that the contenders have a match, but AJ decides that now we're going to decide the main event by fucking Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas. In two weeks, they've already escalated it to this. Monday Night Twoutter is only a matter of time at this rate, folks. Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas between Miz, Kane, and Mysterio.
5. Back from the commercial, and Punk is still in the ring. AJ wants to be the most Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas GM ever. THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE FUCKING PROUD OF! What a shock, Rey Mysterio won. I suppose it's about time that Punk sung happy birthday in an over-dramatic fashion again. Oh, and nevermind, this wasn't the main event. Why would you want the champion in the main event? Let's just have him curtain-jerking again. At least we're starting off with a match that has the potential to be a great TV match. Rey's definitely put on some weight, and I think his outfit was made from the Funkateers' hand-me-downs. Punk has the advantage for the first few minutes, capstoned with a really nice tilt-o-whirl. Punk starts to go up top, and Rey gets some hang time with a front dropkick. This gives Mysterio a chance for a high spot, and I bet this'll be another commercial break. Of course.
6. Some schmuck has a sign in the crowd asking "Are We Trending Yet?" First of all, no, and second, nobody gives a shit. Punk hits a superplex, which I guarantee you hurts like, Santino might say, a suminabitch. This gives them time to show that during the commercial, Rey had the setup of the 619, but it was countered. Wouldn't it be nice if we just had a little less Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas and just showed full matches with these three hours now allotted, or would that just make too much JBLdamn sense? Rey takes a sick rolling bump to the outside but gets right back up from it to hit that X-factor setup thing he does for the second time in the match. Mysterio gets 619, but while going for the splash, takes a sick-looking double knee to the midsection. This allows Punk to hit the Go2WatchingDelRio, and gets the win. Good, not great opening match, and Punk looks like he busted his mouth.
7. Hey, the Black Hole of Charisma is getting a backstage segment where he gets his own parking space. He decides to park between what looks like two maintenance closets. That was riveting. Returning from the commercial break, it looks like my buddy from the disabled list is coming back to his skybox. The vignette is actually pretty good, implying that he grew a beard and went back to bareknuckle fighting to reignite the fire. For the second week in a row, Del Rio is wearing black, making my moniker for him all the more apparent. He shows up to say that he shouldn't compete, she isn't, but then he says the word crazy, which makes AJ put him in the next match. JBL DAMN YOU, AJ! I thought I was getting a few weeks without him boring me! Not to mention, putting someone in a match because they called you crazy isn't being crazy. Bring back the crazy, please. It's what got you over in the first place. Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas, Brock Lesnar and Triple H for the second time already.
8. Christian gets the jobber entrance for the Black Hole of Charisma, which can't be good for his chances. Ricardo scurries out in a hurry to get to his announcing job, and it's sad that those few seconds are far more interesting than likely anything Del Rio will do in this match. Christian is aggressive from the get-go, and gets a few offensive moves in before Del Rio slides to the outside and throws him into the post, and then the barrier. To Del Rio's credit, he is using psychology to set up his submission maneuver. The only thing missing is any reason to care about him. Christian quickly gets a hope spot, does his rope jump and a cross body. Take it from Santino, Christian; going for the finisher early does nobody any good. Christian's counter of the cross-armbreaker is nice, but Del Rio takes the offensive again. Christian starts to get ahead, goes for the Spear, and takes a superkick to the face that would give Shelton Benjamin flashbacks. Ricardo causes the distraction, Del Rio wins again.
9. Sheamus then appears on screen and decides to commit Gran Theft Auto and take the car for a trip around San Antonio. This gets Del Rio so upset that he almost breathes heavier. He then... Smiles for a few seconds? EMOTE, DEL RIO! WRONG ONE!
10. I'm going to try really hard not to fast-forward this match for the sake of all the Orton fans, the eight Big Show fans left, and the fact that I am a columnist and am responsible for at least commenting on all the action that takes place. I can't promise I'll be kind though. I liked Big Show when he smiled and had fun. I miss that. I've failed already, as I was wandering around on Facebook looking up CM Punk is Not Impressed memes until I heard Big Show rambling something. He's got Orton in a rest-hold, but Orton comes back and opens his eyes bigger after hitting some dropkicks. This is apparently enough to set up for the RKO, but he walks right into a chokeslam, which was awesome enough to make me tolerate the Big Show for a few seconds. Orton gets driven out of the ring by a shoulder block that caused him to run a few steps and then dive out of the ring, which was kinda funny.
11. At least neither of the two matches following the Punk/Mysterio match have had commercial breaks, but wouldn't it have been nice if that one didn't either? They fight in the ring, get back in the ring, just so Show can push him back out again, and Show hits a big hand chop on Orton against the announce table. That has to be second to getting a Low-ki chop for a painful sting in wrestling. Orton fights back, Show spears him, and they both get counted out. Oh you knew the number one contender couldn't lose, and they wouldn't have Orton lose either. Orton has to be taught a lesson that violating the Wellness Policy gets him huge pushes upon his return. Show continues trying to punish Orton very slowly, getting him in the ring and setting up for the WMD, and if you've watched Randy Orton at all in the last four years, you should know damn well what's coming. Miss, RKO, who the hell saw that coming, move on please.
12. Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas, Triple H and Brock time three already. Just so you know, HBK is gonna be on this show too, if you didn't catch that. Just letting you know. Shawn Michaels will be here. HBK is in the building. And it's his hometown, gotta remind you of that. San Antonio, Shawn Michaels' hometown. HBK is here. Maybe DX will be reuniting too.
13. Reks and Hawkins get the jobber entrance, because they're the only two guys insane enough to get in the ring with the T-1000, I suppose. Cole calls him the "Human Wrecking Ball", which might get him a call from his old commentating partner. The T-1000 gets really excited and says that his hunger consumes him. Um... Where's that guy from O Brother, Where Art Thou... That don't make no sense. Hunger is what happens when you've had a severe lack of consuming something. The state of not consuming something can't consume you, otherwise it creates some kind of alternate chalk line universe paradox shit I don't even wanna think about. Say, this show needs Biff Swagger for that kind of reference. Tyler Reks actually gets some offense in on the T-1000 for a few minutes, and I believe we're seeing some cheap heat here. Wow, the T-1000 is taking offense, we've had four matches already and only one commercial interruption of them, and the Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas bullshit has been minimal... So far.
14. The T-1000 throws Hawkins out of the ring for a sick looking spot where Reks only catches him with one arm. He then goes all Skip Sheffield and throws the stiffest clothesline since JBL, and this "Feed Me More!" thing is really catching on, surprisingly. It'd be nice to see him get some actual competition though, and not go the Brodus Clay route much longer. I think Michael Cole said "Feed Me More" more than the T-1000 did though. He then plays Captain Obvious before previewing Cena/Bryan and says "AJ is the General Manager." Well thanks for the newsflash, Tom Brokaw.
15. The fifth match of the show begins with two jobber entrances, with AW going back to Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas references, because we just missed it so much when they forgot it last week. Primo and Epico are incensed that they don't get a bunch of Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas from an obnoxious guy who gets to do commentary throughout the matches on their part, and that gets them directly into the cheap heat from Black Cena. Do you think he'd ever team up with Black Lesnar? Titus does look like he could be a decent midcarder with some more seasoning. He does some kind of Wasteland-type move that looks awkward before Titus uses Darren Young in a Falcon Arrow, I think. Interesting move. But hey, we're less than halfway through the show, and we've already had five messages. Careful WWE, you're having an awful lot of wrestling on your Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas show. Epico gets the hot tag and does a really awkward 360 walk before deciding that he should go on the offensive. He hits some really nice back body slams against Darren Young before Titus pulls him out.
16. As AW tries to get the Prime Timers to bail again, Kofi and the TROOF interrupt their escape. The distraction allows Epico to get the pin on Darren Young with a Carlito-style Backstabber. Aw shucks, AW would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling hams! Sandow has another awesome promo moment before his matchup against Brodus Clay, who is finally doing something again. Sandow concludes with "you're welcome", which has to make Perry Saturn want to return with Moppy at least once and spout off something random, doesn't it? That would be a huge dish of ham and cheese I'd love to see. Book it, Vince.
17. FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! Captain Brodus and the Funkateers are back with their John Cena costumes, and Sandow once again interrupts one of my favorite entrance themes. Clay does his best to not look silly while attempting a comeback with his pants halfway falling down. Sandow aggressively goes after Brodus's leg, kicking it against the stage repeatedly. Could this be the exit of the Funkasaurus gimmick? It seems like a possible injury angle in progress. Poor guy, they ruined all his momentum by jobbing him to the Big Show twice, but at least it's getting Damien Sandow over, so once again there is a silver lining. Meanwhile, back in San Francisco, we're back to Danielson being subjected to AJ's crazy criticisms. For a while I was calling AJ the best thing going on RAW, but that awesomeness must've been sexually transmitted during their one week engagement, because Bryan has taken that mantle. AJ books him in a match against Kane for Summerslam because... He's his anger management counselor, I suppose. This causes a YES-NO! shoutoff.
18. Kelly Kelly randomly returns, reminding me that there are in fact Divas on this show. They already released the one I wanted to see, so it's going to be very hard to care. Let's see if she remembered how to run the ropes during her break. Eve is her opponent, which was actually booked because of some Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas buillshit that they have to repeat for us. Eve gets about as much of a reaction as Alberto Del Rio reading the phonebook for an hour, and then Eve tries to... walk out of the ring, which she messes up. Kelly hits some offense while doing her best Melina screams, and Eve tries to bail again. She makes me wish we still had a John Laurinaitis dose of ham around. K2 continues beating the shit out of Eve, and does hit a very nice crossbody from the top rope. Eve finally stops her shine with a vicious looking slam. K2 continues screaming like the first girl to die in a horror movie, and in case you didn't know, we haven't seen Kelly Kelly in a long time. She wins in a way that has never happened before in the history of Diva's match, a roll-up. She won this match after being away from a long time, coming back to win her first match in a long time, getting the win in her first match in a long time, which was her first match in a long time. Oh, and apparently the whole point of Sheamus stealing the car was so he could Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas, which also leads to time four of Triple H/Brock Lesnar Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas. HBK is here live too.
19. "Sexy Boy" hits, and I'm reminded of how much I miss hearing that music every week. I really wish HBK and Edge were still around. The void they left has yet to be filled. HBK gets a huge reaction in his hometown, as expected. Shawn is in full ham mode as always, and he thanks the WWE Universe for being part of the 1000th RAW. He mentions that DX reunited there, but I was completely unaware of that happening. Even Shawn makes a Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas reference, which makes my soul cry. HBK starts talking about Brock and Triple H, which leads to Brock Lesnar's music hitting. This should've happened two weeks ago, but it's happening so I'm not complaining. Please just find an old clip of Tazz saying "Well, here comes the pain!" This moment is so intense that Cole has to recap the show during his entrance.
20. Paul still says "BRRRRRRROCK Lesnar" really awesome, and I enjoy him talking for Brock a helluva lot more than hearing Mr. Southern Minnesota speaking. He puts over HBK well before explaining that Lesnar wants to be the Baddest Dude on the Planet Today, which sounds more like he's trying to audition for the sequel to Surf Ninjas. HBK tells Heyman that with any other man, Brock's his guy. He says that he shouldn't do that to any man, attacking his family and all, but I guess he forgets that Brock lost to John Cena in his last match... HBK explains that he's never seen Triple H like this, apparently forgetting every time they faced off. HBK's going for Triple H in the prediction, and says that he wants to be there to see it personally. Shawn will be in his corner at Summerslam on the tenth anniversary of his comeback match against Triple H, easily one of the greatest Summerslam matches of all time.
21. Brock cuts off Paul ranting about what they're going to do to tell Shawn that he only thinks that H will win because he's never been in the ring with him til now. Before Lesnar can do something silly like attack his opponent's best friend, The Game comes out, definitely not in COO mode. Brock steps out of the ring, just to step back in to say that he'll see H at Summerslam, but he'll see HBK before then. Ominous threat indeed.
22. Cole welcomes everybody back to RAW, despite the fact that they haven't left, and we get another replay of Sheamus being a great world champion by committing a felony. I'll give them credit, the use of Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas makes more sense than a camera being where he already is. It does add a sense of realism. So again I say, good use of it. Write it down, I won't say that very often.
23. Alex Riley is out for a jobber entrance while Chris Jericho is on commentary. This'll be awesome, for a second week in a row having a smart-ass to make fun of the commentary team. Mentioning of mirrored rivals definitely speaks to how similar Ziggles and Jericho are, though Ziggler has yet to find the snarkiness that has made Jericho famous for over a decade. Jericho has been the monotoned heel for so long that it's nice to hear him be funny again, even a throwback to old-school days by calling Cole "Mitchell." Jericho even reminds us that Riley beat The Miz at one point. Good JBL, what happened? Jericho does his best to call the match, but Cole keeps talking to Jericho about his career. This reminds me of old episodes of Jakked where they completely ignored the match at hand. Jericho decides to Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas to distract Dolphy Gunn, and Alex Riley gets a win out of freaking nowhere. Jericho explains that's what happens to Dolph Ziggler while putting an "X" in the word especially. More Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas making matches, putting Miz and Kane against each other. That at least means seven matches so far on the show, which is a good thing.
24. Kane must've been really angry about not getting to face CM Punk, because he walked out a lot earlier and faster than he usually does. The fog didn't even get to rise in time. The weird things I notice while watching these shows at three in the morning... Miz shows some fortitude by punching Kane directly in the head. This makes Kane embrace the hate of Real World, and hit a barrage of punches before Miz ducks out of the way of a kick. Miz must've invaded Orton's stash of baby oil, because he's shinier than Kevin Thompson's face staring at an Ultra Cola machine.
25. I have to agree with the commentators for once, Miz is back and seems completely refreshed. His offense is psychological and precise, as opposed to the Sin Cara-like botchfests that nearly caused TROOF a broken freaking neck. Well, if that'd happened, he might've made the Olympics, but just saying. Lawler reminds us in the middle of the match that we've gone to three hours, in case you all didn't realize that. Miz tries to go for a corner move, but Kane gets the chokeslam and wins cleanly. I suppose to be a midcard champion, you have to lose cleanly to former world champions, but this one I didn't mind so much. It was nice to see Kane win a match again. Kane looks angry after the win like he hurt himself, and I really hope that's not the case, as his match will likely have a lot of media attention given who might be in his corner.
26. Sheamus returns from his felony ride with a destroyed car. Vince must lose a lot of money buying cars just to destroy them. Daniel Bryan is out for the main event already, which either means this'll be a long match, or something else is happening afterward. During Danielson's entrance, the Black Hole of Charisma gets angry, I think... And we go to a commercial. Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas with Triple H and Lesnar, again.
27. Daniel Bryan continues really selling this "YES!" thing driving him nuts, and John Cena coming out makes me think that it's been seven years since he changed it to this remix of the Cosby Show theme. He could really use something new. Hell, bring back an instrumental of "Basic Thuganomics" for all I care; that theme is still awesome. CM Punk saying "You're a bad GM!" is still funny as hell in the replay. This is a feud I would really love to see and I hope it plays out at some point. Bryan goes ham crazy, and the crowd is eating it up. This is fantastic to see. For some reason, there's a bunch of referees at ringside, which makes Bryan go back in the ring and... right into a rest hold. Kay...
28. The majority of this match so far has been rest holds. I think they forgot the beginning of the match. Bryan starts hitting some offense while taking over AJ's crazy, and gets into it with those refs at ringside again. This leads to a commercial break, and I suppose I see where all this time allotted for the main event is going. Hel.l, it took seven minutes just from the initial entrance of Danielson to get it going after all the highlight videos and such.
29. The show comes back on with yet another rest hold. This wasn't what I was expecting between these two. It would've helped if it had a reason to get into it first. Bryan's dropkick into the corner looked particularly vicious today, and Danielson's face literally looks like he's been eating TROOF's spider stew for a few months and laced it with acid. I guess that explains the Little Jimmy animosity. Danielson kicks the ropes into John's face, and anybody who thinks that wouldn't hurt has never been in a wrestling ring. Seriously, just hitting the ropes hurts. Getting one kicked in your face would sting like hell. Cena is in a hammerlock and suddenly gets a look on his face like a dog hearing a whistle and breaks out. This leads to two shoulder blocks, and even Danielson doesn't know to not attempt a clothesline after that. Cena goes for an AA, but Dragon locks in some kind of headlock sleeper.
30. Cena finally breaks out, and ends up going for the STF before Danielson kicks out of the attempt. Danielson gets a nearfall, which starts making him go NO CRAZY. I absolutely love how he is playing off the crowd, because that's going to make everyone do it more. That's what professional wrestling is supposed to be, ladies and gentlemen. Daniel summons his inner Voldemort and makes a diving headbutt three quarters of the way across the ring. Danielson finally unleashes the vicious kicks, but the final hardline one is reversed into an STF. Bryan finally lives up to his submission reversal gimmick and breaks the STF into his own lock. That doesn't last long as Cena lifts him for the AA and gets the win. The match started really slowly and weirdly, but got going in the second half. This causes CM Punk to come out again and get right in Cena's face and hold up the title. Big Show is coming out, which makes Cena throw Punk out of the way, which was really damn funny. Cena tries to hit The Impossible again, but this time Punk makes him land on Cena. Punk gets on commentary using the word "disrespect" as much as the Black Hole of Charisma says "destiny." Punk once again feels that the show should end with the WWE champion standing tall, and anyone who gets in his way will be laying out. Punk tries to get in the ring but gets the WMD from Show, as does Cena. The show ends with Show holding the title above his head. Good show, nothing great. Definitely more interesting than last week, and at least the Fuzzy Panda Duck Pajamas were more toned down and cleverly used. A lot of matches also made it fun to watch.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
Danielson takes it again. He's so over-the-top, I might have to rename the award after him. It's awesome.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Rega
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
For followers of Jaded Hope, if you haven't seen it yet, check out the best of Season 2 here. This week's new episode is posted at the top, as per usual: