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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 8-20-12
By Al Laiman
Aug 21, 2012 - 12:00:13 AM

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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts: RAW 1004 - 8-20-12

1. Well, Summerslam was an interesting mixed bag last night. The show was quite front heavy and the midcard really got to shine. I was with my girlfriend who was sitting through it like a champ, but even she was disappointed with the main event involving "3-H", as she called him. I was about as impressed with the match as I was the buildup, and if you've been following my column, you know how much that is. On top of that, it was my first day of the semester today, plus I had to work, so I just got home after being out for over thirteen hours, so don't mind me if I fast forward through replays, highlight videos, and social media shit tonight. The show starts off with Brock Lesnar's music, who thankfully at least regained some credibility with a win over Triple H. I just wish I cared more. Pictures and more commentary is done on the match, in case you didn't realize it happened and was the main event last night, but at least we don't have to sit through the feud replays anymore... I hope. Cole gets a little hyperbolic by saying that Brock broke the spirit of WWE along with H's arm. Yeah, okay...

2. Paul E. is in full ham mode already tonight, and calls the match most uncomfortable. Honestly, it was uncomfortable in a "something needs to happen to redeem this" way, not like the Cena match which was uncomfortable in a "holy shit, this is brutal" way. Heyman makes an accurate observation in saying that he did commentary way better than the man at the table, while he puts over how tough Triple H is for a torn quad not stopping him, but that Brock could stop him. Paul apparently hits puberty a few times while saying the word "quit", but he's being the Heyman we all know he can be. Brock is doing well playing the Ivan Drago role, which I guess makes Paul E. Bridgette Nielsen. Paul recaps Triple H saying that he wanted it to be a "fight to the finish'. As Mitch Hedberg once said, that's a good place to end. Paul then calls out referee Scott Armstrong... for some reason.

3. Heyman makes me laugh as he tries to hurry him along by saying that his client "doesn't bite." Paul says that Triple H's two words last night were "tap out", but Brock tonight has two words for him... And I'm guessing it's not "Suck it" into a voicebox. It turns out to be "good job", and now Brock Lesnar is apparently the new "King of Kings", the "Master of the Brocktagon", and the "Lord and Master of the WWE Universe"... Good JBL, he's trying to get more nicknames than The Rock and Babe Ruth combined. Speculation continues that Triple H's career might be over, mostly because he got the extended exit from the ring at the end of the show. Unfortunately, it did not end with Brock continuing the attack and a certain gong noise hitting.

4. They're talking about social media, so I'm tuning out. I guess Punk Touted that he's picking his own opponent, because... Touting shit does that. The tag team champions Troofston are on their way to the ring and they're being product whores. I guess a three hour show just doesn't have enough commercials. TROOF after Summerslam last night gave Little Jimmy a Gatorade bath, and that was hysterical. For a second, I thought Sin Cara was their opponent, but him teaming with Troofston is almost as good. Cody Rhodes is on RAW, so it's instantly better. He's teaming with the Prime Time Players, and as someone commented on my column last week, they really need to bring Rico back to manage them. They're getting Eve-as-a-face reactions without someone to get them heat. The match starts and we're STILL talking about fucking Triple H... SHUT UP! I heard hashtag, so I tuned out for a few seconds. Cody avoids a high spot from Sin Cara as Troofstron dropkicks the PTP out of the ring, and Cole goes into commercial saying that the tag team champs are "flying high", despite the fact that nobody did any flying. Yes, it's gonna be one of those nights, I have a feeling.

5. We come back to the match right as the hot tag hits TROOF, meaning we missed the entire cheap heat portion. Good thing this three hour show is letting us see more of the match. Instead of talking about the match, we're talking about what the social media ambassador is saying, and it's a Kardashian, and who gives a flying vagina squirrel about anything she thinks?! We're back into another cheap heat session with Titus dominating TROOF, and I have to admit his big boot is pretty impressive. Not on Test levels yet, but then again, whose is? PTP use their sweet double team move to send Black Cena in for a few seconds. It's good to see some old school tag team wrestling, I must say. Could use some Kings of Wrestling though. TROOF finally gets the hope spot, and Sin Cara comes in to fly around on Cody Rhodes. A close fall gets broken up, and TROOF throws Kofi out of the ring to take out the PTP. Cody tries to take Sin Cara's mask off, which leads to a roll-up, and that was somehow enough to pin him. I guess Cody's been training with the Divas to pull off a finish like that.

6. AJ has booked a match that has Kane and Daniel Bryan working on their anger issues by teaming them with superstars with whom they've had recent issues. That's... An incredibly clever idea. Kane is teaming with Zack Ryder, who finally gets a televised match, considering he hasn't had anything but squash matches and a one-week run as Smackdown GM since that feud, and YES! Miz and Daniel Bryan are teaming up, and considering that their feud was by far the best thing about NXT1, that is fantastic! Holy shit, WWE creative did something awesome for the first time since RAW 1000! AJ is backstage and suddenly it's Hollaback Masterpiece goatee-less, and he's dressed like Carlton in the second episode of the show, and offers his services but accidentally drops the "crazy word". Whoops, he's getting the JTG of the week treatment. We return to the original question, being sure to mention that CM Punk made this declaration via Tout. AJ says he can pick anyone he wants... pending her approval... before skipping off. Vote for Seth Rollins.

7. I don't give a shit about what that Kardashian chick who is famous for absolutely no reason or talent whatsoever has to say about the show... or anything. The T-1000 is out with his silly entrance music and his RVD singlet, and it appears that two jobbers are about to get eaten. It's far past time to get this guy some real competition. He's been in squash matches far too long. He throws one of the jobbers out of the ring, and the one who stays in is selling quite well for him. He takes a triple powerbomb, which is damn impressive no matter who is taking it. The T-1000 gets smacked in the face, which he quite appropriately tells him he's stupid for doing, but before he can hit the double finisher, Jinder Mahal attacks him from behind, hitting a quite stiff looking kick to the jaw. He then locks in a camel clutch with only about six inches of breathing room for him, which explains why he so easily counters it. He hits his double finisher anyway, as I'm sure Hustle is absolutely ecstatic that Jinder Mahal is in a televised feud.

8. Dolphy Gunn confronts Chris Jericho backstage, and as Jericho asks Ziggles if he knows how to win the big one. AJ conveniently skips in and gives them a rematch. If Jericho loses, his contract is terminated, but if he wins, Jericho gets the Money in the Bank contract. Well now we know how Jericho's leaving this time. And hey, there's the Black Hole of Charisma, wearing black appropriately enough, and he smacks water out of Ricardo's hand. Anne Sullivan does not approve.

9. Del Rio is walking to the ring angrily, so I assume he's about to squash someone again. Maybe it'll be Santino Marella, because he's usually the one to prove how angry Del Rio is after he lost. They did have a good match last night, I will admit that. Say, where was that referee that always managed to catch Alex Riley interfering on behalf of The Miz? He always has such convenient timing, and Del Rio demands another world title match... Oh JBL, please don't do that. AJ gets to make yet another appearance on the show, and since she has no authority over the World title, she books him against someone who will give Booker T plenty to consider... Randy Orton. This gets Del Rio so upset that he actually has a facial reaction similar to mine. Lawler says that Randy Orton has his gameface on, which coincidentally is like every other face he has, since it never changes.


11. Sheamus is coming out, and we're again hearing what Khloe Kardashian thinks about it. I would give more of a shit listening to Ben Stein describing paint drying after 48 hours without sleeping. I have to admit, despite not really caring for either man in the ring, Orton and Del Rio seem to be working really well together. Not that you'd really notice, given that all Cole can talk about is Sheamus's match and actions last week. I've already said it once tonight: Call the fucking match! Both men are down, and we then decide that it's time to talk about Triple H... again. I'm hating these two more than usual tonight. Orton's setting up his ropes DDT and they're still talking about Heyman, HBK, and 3-H.

12. Del Rio hits a sweet-looking kick to Orton on the edge of the apron, but as he tries to take advantage, Orton hits his backbreaker move. Del Rio comes back with some more kicks. This has been a really even back-and-forth match, and just as I say that, Orton again gets the advantage and gets a near-fall. Orton gets Del Rio on the top turnbuckle and hits a modified version of his ropes DDT, and that was pretty awesome I must say. Ricardo gets on the apron, but Lobsterhead chases him off. Orton then decides that's a great time to yell in Sheamus' direction. Del Rio takes advantage of the distraction and hits a Backstabber, but Sheamus points out that Orton's foot is on the rope. Del Rio makes the same mistake of yelling at Sheamus, which allows Orton enough time to hit the RKO and get the win. Cole whines about him being a tattle-tale, because he's now operating on the level of a bitchy third grader.

13. CM Punk cuts a pretty good promo as he's asked by... someone, if the outcome of Summerslam was controversial. I'm not exactly sure why, seeing as the match was restarted and he still ended up winning. It would be controversial to Cena, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for Punk to think so. Come to think of it, why did both heavyweight title matches have to have controversy attached to them? Was that because everyone just figured that we'd forget there were even other matches than 3-H and Brock Lesnar? Punk continues to drive home the "respect' angle, and I expect he'll address Cena not shaking his hand and hopefully respond in an ROH Punk-style manner.

14. I'm going to watch this Summerslam replay, because it's freaking Claudio Castagnoli! They can call him Antonio Cesaro all they want, it's Claudio Castagnoli. I swear it seemed like Santino held that title forever, despite never doing anything with it. Claudio wins with his half-cradle piledriver, half-Styles clash, and... for JBL's sake, he's Touting in the ring?! WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE THIS?! Summerslam Axxess, fast forward. Oh hey, FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! I'm so looking forward to hearing this song in less than two months in North Carolina. Captain Brodus and the Funkateers (you can be one too) hit the ring for what I can only presume was their planned match for Summerslam with Damien Sandow. At least he didn't cut off the entrance theme this time. The epitome of heel awesomeness with a side of Perry Saturn is indeed his opponent, and Sandow cuts an aside promo. No complaints, until they give it another reason to refer to the Kardashian chick AGAIN. I think they're confusing her with Triple H with all they're mentioning her; forgetting that unlike her, Triple H is actually talented at something.

15. Brodus dominates the first parts of the matchup, and unfortunately the crowd is absolutely dead for it. It's so quiet in there that the Funkateers clapping can be heard audibly. Sandow goes on offensive, but Brodus growls in his face. He squashes him in the corner, and then does a combo Val Venis-Big Show butt slam corner move. He throws him into the other corner, but Sandow ducks out of the way and... Is this a Diva's tribute episode or something. ANOTHER ROLL UP? REALLY?! At least in the Bryan/Kane match last night, it kinda made sense, but this is getting ridiculous. Brodus comes back and gives Sandow a T-Bone and his finisher splash while Michael Cole continues to have a bitchfest. A whole bunch of Tweets are on the screen, fast forward.

16. Hey, I was wrong. We did manage to get another 3-H/Lesnar feud replay. At least it was only one, but this transitions into Shawn Michaels live via satellite. They have HBK in super dramatic mode, which has everyone so quiet that some guy yelling is heard quite well. HBK is summoning his inner Shatner to be serious for a moment here, and he's pausing every few seconds to punctuate. for. emphasis. The dramatic cutaways to pictures of 3-H after the match last night play it up even more. The one of him looking constipated with Lesnar attacking him didn't exactly help the dramatic moment though. HBK says that 3-H needed to hear that he thought he couldn't beat Brock Lesnar, despite a week earlier saying that he thought Triple H would beat Brock Lesnar. He then says that he has nothing to be ashamed of, and that he's one of the greatest, which finally gets the crowd to react a little for the first time in a while. He thanks him for a job well done, and we go to commercial with another still-shot of 3-H.

17. Hollaback Masterpiece has finally returned, and with the T-1000, Captain Brodus, Kane, and Randy Orton out of the way, who could Carlton be facing tonight in his return? They plug the movie he was filming that nobody will see, and his opponent is... The Big Show? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Face AJ is using a heel Big Show to teach heel Otunga a lesson? If I may quote O Brother, Where Art Thou... That don't make no sense!

18. Fortunately for the sake of all of us trying to stay awake right now, Big Show is using offense at a rather fast pace. He's an angry Show and he's throwing Hollaback all over the ring, no-selling any attempts at return offense, and yelling at him for even thinking of doing so. He takes a seriously vicious hand chop to the chest, and Show is all over him. Show goes all ECW One Night Stand 2006 and brings back his Dragon slam, and he taunts to the crowd to get a face reaction? Did he just randomly turn face again? Show wins with the Power of the Punch, and before Show can even get out of the ring, we go to, what, the sixth exclusive wwe.com video? Show complains about a triple threat match being a triple threat match on a video that's a wwe.com exclusive... despite the fact that it's on television. I guess exclusive doesn't mean what you think it means.

19. Kane is out for the awesomely-booked tag team match, and I seriously hope this one too doesn't end in a JBLdamn roll-up. They continue to reference Kane throwing Zack Ryder off the stage, in case you didn't remember from the other 500 allusions they've made to it, and we get a recap of Kane going BANANA sandwich backstage after the loss last night. Ryder comes out to what can only be described as a polite golf clap. Man, this crowd kinda sucks. It doesn't exactly help Kane's booking as a face to describe all the things he did as a heel, but that's neither here nor there. The Bearded Ham hits the arena, and finally everyone wakes up. Who would've thought this guy would be the most over in the company? Bryan's tearing up signs and yelling in people's faces while constantly shaking his head. His former NXT pro follows him out. Unfortunately unlike Bryan, his beard still looks like he's 16 and hasn't learned to shave yet. Bryan gets in another fan's face for a YES-NO off, and Lawler for once says something funny about that seeming like a conversation between Cole and his wife. Well played, King.

20. Bryan gets in the ring, but immediately tags Miz, who gets thrown in the ring by Kane. Well, this match has been going on five seconds, so let's refer to Tout because it's been too long. The crowd sort-of chants for Ryder, but barely reacts to his offense. Seriously, the lower level in camera view hasn't reacted to a damn thing all show. You've got great seats and you're on television, liven the hell up already! At least present the image of caring! Miz and Bryan get on the cheap heat on Ryder, and it seems like they'll have to keep Danielson in the ring for the rest of the show to get any kind of reaction. Danielson taunts Kane, which has to be considered a bad idea for anyone who likes being in one piece, and he hits his vicious chest kicks. Hey, you know we haven't heard about 3-H, HBK, and Lesnar enough yet, let's talk about that some more, because we JUST HAVEN'T HEARD ENOUGH SHIT ABOUT THAT FUCKING ANGLE! JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD, WWE!

21. Danielson gives Ryder another series of stiff-looking kicks in the corner, but he knocks Miz off the apron. Ryder kicks Danielson away, and Kane comes in. Danielson tries to tag out, and then slaps him in the face. He runs away, which is a smart thing to do. Kane blows a gasket and very awkwardly chokeslams Zack Ryder, so... Another heel turn? Maybe? He starts doing all Nexus and destroying the set and choking the sound guy. Zack Ryder is once again back to being destroyed by Kane. Kane seems to be getting cheered for attacking Ryder, and he Tombstones Ryder to further drive home the point. So now both Danielson and Kane have gone completely nuts. Who would've thought this would be the angle that was by far the most entertaining tonight?

22. Hey, you know what this show needs? Another wwe.com exclusive video. Are there enough of those? Good JBL... Eight or nine at this point? Cut to Punk, who is being interviewed live backstage instead of a wwe.com exclusive. Punk decides that his next opponent is John Cena, but on one condition. He demands respect from Cena, but doesn't say exactly what that means. Oh no, a Diva's Battle Royal is coming up next. No wonder those two matches ended with roll-ups, because a Battle Royal can't end with a roll-up. Then again, if any group of people could find a way to end a Battle Royal with a roll-up, it'd be the WWE Divas, that's for sure.

23. Layla is at ringside to see what interchangeable opponent she'll face next. It's not Awesome Kharma and Sara Del Ray hasn't debuted yet, so I could give a shit less. The focus mostly seems to be on a catfight, and they get themselves eliminated for it. That has to be the lamest battle royal elimination since... ever. Tamina and Natalya, the two strongest Divas in the Battle Royal, don't seem to have the combined strength to eliminate Kaitlyn. Odd... Alicia Fox also tries to get involved, and they can't eliminate her either. They try to eliminate her again with a stalling suplex, but it doesn't work, and Cole says that it's riveting action. Yeah, it's riveting like a root canal. Natalya gets eliminated by going through the ropes, Tamina hits a pretty damn awesome superkick to the top to eliminate Alicia. It comes down to Kaitlyn and Eve as the crowd goes... nothing. Please Sara Del Ray, come tear this division up, I'm begging you.

24. We get another recap of the Brock Lesnar/3-H match, because we just haven't heard enough about it yet. There were not one, but TWO PEDIGREES! Then, since going over the match at the beginning of the show and every single match throughout the show, we have to recap the opening promo of Heyman bestowing a dozen nicknames to Lesnar. And now Lesnar is sending out Touts to say that he's leaving... again. It must be a big deal if it was announced via Tout, that's serious business! So he's declared the conquerer, and he's leaving. Well, that was non-chalant and random! Don't all big names announce they're leaving that way? What the fuck is the point?! EXPLAIN, WWE!

25. We're back, and they talk about Twitter, then they talk about some app for something or other... Fast forward. Dolphy Gunn is selling the importance of the match before Vickie damn near becomes the third person to go insane tonight with a "We have to win!" rapture spasm. The match is previewed, and they go back into a commercial, because talking about Twitter, apps, and a short backstage segment totally needed to break up the show with more commercials.

26. They made a new Judge Dredd movie? What could be more awesome than the original Ham-on-Ham combat about the LAWWWWWWWWW?! It'll be worth seeing as a movie that was meant to be taken seriously, but the original was still a lot of fun. I might as well enjoy Jericho while I still can, because there's no way in hell he's winning this match. It would've made more sense if they came up with these stipulations themselves, because it seems like a bad business decision on AJ's part in kayfabe, but what the hell do I know? Dolph starts to work the ribs and Vickie yells really loudly, so the status quo remains strong with this one. Dolphy gets tossed over the top of the ropes and lands on his feet, but gets dropkicked for his trouble, and... another commercial. Thank you, DVR Delay.

27. As we come back, Kardashian is Tweeting more and... Fuck her and it sucks, moving on. Dolphy is laying on the cheap heat as Jericho tries to fight out. In case you didn't know, the Money in the Bank briefcase is almost a guaranteed opportunity to become world champion. Because the Money in the Bank winners have won all but one time, it's almost guaranteed. It would've been guaranteed, but Cena had to go and lose and make it almost a guaranteed opportunity, as opposed to a guaranteed opportunity to be world champion. It's almost an IRONCLAD contract!

28. Jericho, much like last night, hits a sweet top rope Frankensteiner on Ziggles for a near-fall. Hearing Vickie yell constantly makes me glad that I never had the misfortune of hearing AW and Vickie at ringside at the same time. A fast sequence of moves sets up the lionsault, but Ziggles gets the knees up and hits the Zig Zag for the win. To the surprise of... no one... Dolph Ziggler wins so Jericho can go on tour with Fozzy. That decision to put another big name on the line doesn't look so good after Lesnar also "left", again in kayfabe of course. Jericho did a great job of putting over Dolph in both matches. Jericho got one win on Pay-Per-View, being rewarded after putting everyone over all year, and Ziggles wins the feud going strong. Jericho leaving seems to bother Lawler as much as a hangnail, I guess because he used all his emotion on the possible end of 3-H's career. Jericho grabs the Money in the Bank briefcase and attacks him with it before hitting a Codebreaker to go out on a good note. Jericho's music hits, because that's what happens when your contract is terminated.

29. "Cult of Personality" hits, and day 275 of CM Punk's title reign continues. Bryan Danielson is the most over superstar in the company. Claudio Castagnoli is the US champion. But you know, nobody from the Indies knows how to work in the big fed... Punk decides to get out of the ring and rant at Jerry Lawler again. Lawler grovels a bit, and Punk demands an apology. Before anything can transpire, the old Cosby Show music hits, and Cena interrupts this moment of bombing pipeness. CM Punk is definitely not impressed with Cena coming out before he was summoned. Punk is angry about taking a backseat to Cena and The Rock, but has been doing it out of respect that hasn't been reciprocated. That's quite justified, especially after he questions why he wasn't in any of these Pay-Per-View main events. Punk appears to be just as over as he ever was with some scattered boos, and proclaims that he has to beat him again because all the times he's beaten him obviously haven't mattered. He's in top mode tonight. Punk gives him the title shot at Night of Champions as long as Cena admits that he's the best in the world.

30. Cena shows his impressive powers of observation, seeing that Punk has been champion for nine months, which means he hasn't been champion for nine months. No kidding. Cena explains that his relationship with the fans is based on respect, and he demonstrates that with a Foley cheap pop. Cena has a lot of respect for people who aren't douchebag bandwagon fans, so I guess we have something in common. Cena, at the risk of losing a championship shot, won't tell Punk that he's the best because he has to believe that he is. Cena's also in top promo mode tonight, which means this feud is about to escalate. Cena explains his rationale to perfection, and gets more cheers as he does so. He then points out that Night of Champions is in Cena's hometown, and if Punk can leave Boston WWE champion that it's the moment that will define his existence. Someone audibly says "You got served, Punk!" Cena walks out after making his point, easily the best promo work he's done since WrestleMania. Punk decides to finish his beef with Lawler and calls him in the ring. Lawler finally apologizes, but Punk isn't finished. He demands that if Cena won't say it, that Lawler say that he's the best in the world. Lawler refuses to do so, and tries to go back and do his job. He gets kicked in the back of the head for his trouble, which finally gets him some serious heat. Very strong promo work from all involved. The show itself was a bit of a mixed bag, with some good and some bad, and then some really bad, not to mention the extreme overemphasis on Lesnar and 3-H. Sorry if it seemed a bit cranky, but I'm running on little sleep and I've gotta be up at 6 this morning.


Not a lot of over the top moments tonight, so it comes down to Kane and Heyman. I'd say Heyman wins it for just going so ridiculous with dubbing BrocK Lesnar the next messiah, but in exchange, I give Kane the ham last night for throwing Josh Matthews.

1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman

For followers of Jaded Hope, if you haven't seen it yet, check out the best of Season 2 here. This week's new episode is posted at the top, as per usual:

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