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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 8-13-12
By Al Laiman
Aug 14, 2012 - 2:12:07 AM



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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts: RAW 1003 - 8-13-12

1. It's sure been an interesting week in the world of wrestling, hasn't it? Between AW getting canned after being allowed to appear again and Kevin Nash going on a bit of a controversial rant, the wrestlesphere is afire as we head into the 1003rd episode of Monday Night RAW. The WWE champion CM Punk starts off the show, once again getting a huge face reaction. I think it says something about Punk's status just over a year removed from his infamous shoot promo that he's reached the point that his entrance gets a cheer regardless of his crowd disposition. Big Show, however, is not so fortunate, as during his entrance the backdrop of CM Punk was people standing and chatting with each other.

2. CM Punk shows no fear as he goes right after the Big Show with forearms and kicks. Show sells them before deciding he's tired of doing that and pushes Punk away like nothing's affected him. The cheap heat starts early, which is interesting considering Punk is a recently-turned heel. This makes for a rare instance where a heel vs. heel match works, especially because Punk is still getting face cheers. Show uses his own boot as a proverbial skullcrusher before giving the pan slap to Punk's chest, which legitimately has to hurt like hell. A quite audible "CM PUNK!" chant starts as he tries to fight back, and Cole has already mentioned the Far East trip twice. I'm sure that won't come up again at all. Now is the part of the show where Big Show stands around and yells things, but fortunately it doesn't last the entire match like their previous encounter. Punk starts to fight back by kicking the lowered head of the Big Show, and for some reason decides to clothesline him. Maybe he got confused and thought it was Cena and he just hit two shoulder blocks. Punk appears to be escaping Show's wrath, but eats a GORE! GORE! GORE!

3. For some reason, Daniel Bryan's music hits to a HUGE ovation! Bryan is going insane at ringside as Show continues the match. Danielson's fire grows hotter as he ignited this already-hot crowd. For the first time in months, I marked for something the Big Show did, because the bench press kickout always does that. Danielson then jumps in the ring, causing the disqualification. Big Show joins in the attack, but Cena makes the save, getting a noticeably less favorable reaction than both CM Punk and Bryan Danielson. Are we in for some Teddy Long booking here? AJ's music hits and she skips to the ring, despite not being the crazy cat lady anymore. Sure enough, lemme holla at ya playa, we're getting a tag team match of Cena/Punk vs. Bryan/Show. The upside to that is finally the WWE championship should be in the main event again. The downside? I have to see two Big Show matches in one show.

4. We're backstage, and JTG is demonstrating that he's able to count to... some lady. I'm sure she's a diva but my apathy is showing at the moment. He says the word "crazy", which reminds AJ that she used to have a gimmick that got her over, and JTG gets a match on RAW to the delight of his fan. As his music hits, I realize the only thing I miss about Cryme Tyme was the "YO YO YO!" voiceover in their entrance music. His opponent will be the T-1000, who apparently has had issues with Jinder Mahal, making me worried that they're actually including him in a storyline of some kind.

5. Ryback summons both his pyros that don't exist, and they've added "FEED ME MORE!" to his entrance music, which sounds a bit... creepy. JTG makes the most of his time on screen as he did last time and hams it up by telling the ref that he better not get pink eye. Wow, two JTG appearances and two things that made me laugh. Maybe he is a bit underutilized. The T-1000 cuts off his momentum and yells an audible "MY TURN!" before hitting a suplex. That was kinda funny. It was significantly less funny after doing it again because it made no sense after the domination. T-1000 does his taunt and the crowd is chanting along in a very loud "FEED ME MORE!" I have to admit, I'm impressed how insanely over he's getting, despite the fact that he's finally reached the point on the card where Jinder Mahal is worth his time.

6. RAWActive is back, and at least they're not deciding a match this time. Piper is on the show, which instantly improves its quality and this red-hot crowd should eat up, and it'll either be Miz, Jericho, or Ziggles. Hell, why not have all three? Between commercial breaks, the pre-show match is announced, and Claudio is getting a title shot! I wish I would have internet access at the restaurant to see that! EYYYYYYYYY! Meanwhile back in San Francisco, Piper is gearing up for his promo segment and Shawn Michaels is backstage. Triple H is conveniently late, and I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen to him at all.

7. The ONE MAN BAAAAAAAAND, BABAY is back! Before he can go on his usual tangent, his opponent is the TROOF! Little Jimmy has recovered from his Daniel Bryan kick to the head, and I have to admit there is a lot of potential between these two for some entertainment. If only TROOF got a live mic before this match. Heath Slater sells a hip toss like he just got thrown off the scaffolding, and I'll say this... The lower card guys have really seemed to be stepping it up to get themselves noticed, even when they only have a few seconds.

8. Slater goes on the offensive as Cole and Lawler debate the semantics of being a one man band, apparently missing the entire point of what a one man band is. TROOF gets a comeback, and within seconds has the match won. The Prime Time Players immediately hit the ring, and Kofi isn't here, for reasons that I must've missed. Angry about their manager who shall not be mentioned on air due to his firing and subsequent social media rants, they double-team the TROOF and celebrate. Regardless of my feelings on the AW situation, at least I don't have to hear him during the matches anymore, or get annoyed at his constant hashtag references.

9. Triple H and Brock Lesnar preview, fast forward. Mark Henry on Tout, fast forward. More social media bullshit with some Jersey Shore twuntwaffle being the social media ambassador of Summerslam, and my Give-a-Fuckometer is below zero. And like the Boredom fairy was watching me at this exact moment, a highlight video involving the Black Hole of Charisma. I might get through the show in no time at this rate. Booker T decides to cancel his Summerslam match, making him my hero for a few seconds, and for the third time in the last five minutes, we're referring to fucking Tout, because that's how Del Rio responded. Make it four, as we have to find out what the Universe thinks about what just happened on Tout. Good JBL, was that a section of television that I wish I could Eternal Sunshine from my brain.

10. Sin Cara is out for his match, and we're going to a commercial. In the eighteenth highlight video since RAW started, Smackdown is recapped with Cody Rhodes getting involved with Sin Cara. Giving the match some faux-international flavor, Sin Cara is facing Albert Tensai Train, and the crowd is so intrigued that they find the blue ambiance lights more interesting. Sakamoto is gonna slip off the stage one of these times while being pushed around like AT&T's bitch. Sin Cara avoids some AT&T power, overshoots a Swanton Bomb-like dive, then hits several pretty impressive high-flying moves and wins in a minute! Gee, maybe we could've had a longer match if we didn't have to have all those highlight and Tout videos. And once again, AT&T beats up Sakamoto, and nothing happens.

11. Roddy Piper is back to get the hot crowd invested in this show again. Piper is in full-out HAM mode, and social media confuses him into messing up his own catch phrase. Jericho wins the vote by a pretty decent margin, though why you'd vote for a face to get confronted by Piper is confusing to me. Wouldn't you want him to get in Dolph's grill and put him in his place? Oh well, two of the best on the mic of all time are in the ring, and that alone should make for good television.

12. Chris Jericho and Roddy Piper are in Ham-on-Ham combat, making Wrestlemania 25 references and clearly having fun with each other. Piper compares himself to Jericho, and Michael Cole has to be an asshat and interrupt him with his needlessly stupid comment, saying "This Piper's Pit is starting to stink." They're doing a promo, shut the fuck up. Vicki Guerrero's voice cuts off a Piper roll, and this should get even better now.

13. Dolphy Gunn goes on a rant against Piper's lack of nostalgic value. Piper sings along in his head with him and then comments on his pink shirt. In another comparsion between Jericho and Piper, Ziggles tells Jericho that Piper's current role is his future. Jericho makes fun of Ziggler's hair, and Vicki yells at him. This summons a nostalgic catch phrase, as Jericho tells her to "SHUT... THE HELL... UP!", which gets a huge pop. Jericho addresses every fan that is watching right here and watching right home, whatever that means, and with an EEEEEEEEEEEEEVER, Y2J has truly returned. Piper mutters "Y-2-J" a few times, and Miz's music hits, so I'll be getting my wish. All three of them are in the ring now, which makes that previous Twitter vote... Entirely pointless. Miz declares he's taking over the show, before Roddy Piper summons his inner Daniel Bryan and yells "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Piper and Jericho clean house to the delight of the adoring fans.

14. AJ is now booking matches via Twitter... For JBL's sake, the toning down they did last week is long gone and back even worse than it was. It's a triple threat match between three guys in very similar trunks, while Miz and Jericho try to go for the more ridiculous hairdo. Jericho dominates against The Miz early, and I'm guessing his trunks were modeled after an episode of My Little Pony with all that sparkling. Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle! Ziggles gets a cheap move, and the two team up for some cheap heat against Y2J. They continue to team up until, as every triple threat match in the history of wrestling has gone, one goes for the pinfall and the other pulls him off. This gives Jericho the opening for a comeback as he tosses both to the outside. I wonder if Ziggles had flashbacks of that January toss where Wade Barrett broke his arm. Jericho shows that this is a No-DQ match by throwing that incredibly thick announce table cover on both of them. Dolphy Gunn gets the advantage as they head into commercial. As Miz is in control, some guy in the crowd has a sign that says "Hi Jim, You Jelly?" Ugh, I don't even wanna know. At least this match is longer than a minute.

15. After more cheap heat, Jericho finally starts to make the comeback before a trademark lionsault. He can't make the pinfall as he goes after Ziggler who is running in the ring. Miz gets on the top rope, Jericho tries to pull him up for a suplex, and Ziggler gets under for a powerbomb! That was awesome. Jericho kicks out of the Fameasser. Miz sneaks up behind him and hits the SCF. They duke it out, and Jericho hits the Codebreaker after Ziggler fights Miz off, but makes a slow cover. Vicki puts Dolph's foot on the rope, because that's the most we're going to do with this no-DQ match apparently. Jericho hits a supersweet counter into the Walls of Jericho, but the distraction from Vicki allows Dolphy Gunn to get the Zig Zag and the win. I don't know why they bothered making it a no-DQ, no-countout match when they barely utilized it, but it was still a great televised match and put over all who were involved.

16. Meanwhile, Punk and Eve are backstage, and Punk drops a few funny lines about not being a "new" CM Punk, as he doesn't have a hat or a twirling mustache. Eve tells him that nobody believes that, especially Cena, which causes Punk to want to go tell Cena himself. Strangely enough, all I could think of was that Punk called himself "undefeated" in nine months. I don't think that's entirely accurate. Maybe in title matches, but I'm quite sure he's been defeated in that nine months. Also,DJ Jersey Shore Douchebag has more Tweets we have to review. Do I even have to make fun out of how stupid this is?

17. We now have to review the entire opening segment, down to entrance music and the aftermath of everything. I'm so glad they're utilizing the three hours effectively. Shawn Michaels is backstage and nearly jumps out of his skin when John Cena comes up from behind him. Michaels is distracted, and then Cena feels a presence he hasn't felt in a while... Or at least an hour. Punk defends himself against being "That Guy" while retaining his trademark snarkiness Cena stares at him blankly and then watches him leave. The commercial brings another message that the Master of the Skybox himself is returning.

18. Layla's music hits to a rousing round of silence, which is kinda sad considering how hot this crowd has been at points. I finally learn the identity of that girl from the earlier segment, and it's Kaitlyn. I'm sure I'm supposed to know who that is. Beth Phoenix has fallen so far down the proverbial Totem Pole that she's coming out to Eve's music and posing with her. During the entrance I learn that there's a such thing as a match for becoming the Smackdown GM's assistant. Next thing you know, they'll be booking matches by having fans vote on them or something...

19. Layla and Eve go back and forth in the ring, and it's so quiet that three people chanting that they want tables is heard. Layla does a jump over Eve and then some kind of cross between Scotty Too Hotty's Worm Taunt and a seizure, and Eve just kind of stares at her for ten seconds before taking an ass to the face. Kaitlyn comes in and I think Eve was supposed to do a bridge-out of a pinfall but couldn't pull it off. Those same jokesters in the crowd chant that they want fire. How clever. Because you normally wouldn't expect fire in a Diva's match, riiight? Beth and Eve double team Kaitlin for a few minutes, but once again, pushing Eve off the apron and the Epic Never-Before-Seen Completely-Unique First-Time-Ever Diva Match Roll-Up finish is done, giving Team Face the win. More reviewing of the Triple H/Brock Lesnar, fast forward. I get that Brock Lesnar is a bad dude and all, but seeing Shawn Michaels cower in fear is kind of confusing. This is the guy that kicked The Undertaker in the face just to make a point, isn't it?

20. Hey, remember when we thought the WWE championship was going to be involved in the main event? I guess by main event, they meant on the ten-o'clock hour. Even Cena is playing second fiddle to the epic contract signing. Bryan has at least woken the crowd back up again after their Diva's nap. Bonus points to the guy in the crowd with a CP Munk sign. Cena and Bryan are squaring off, and the crowd reaction is freaking incredible. CM Punk tags himself in and gets really hammy by sarcastically holding the ropes open for Cena to leave. Instead of calling the match, Cole is reading more Pauly D Tweets. Quality use of television time right there. Cena returns the favor by tagging himself in, and the game of one-upping is on, just as Lawler uses the same phrase I was about to. Bryan turns something into whether or not he should tag out into a reaction normally reserved for big returns or huge face run-ins.

21. Big Show gets in the match, and physically dominates Cena as the dueling Cena chants commence. Big Show hits a few moves, and then Big Show stands expressionless and yells a few things before we go into commercial. When the commercial returns, Big Show is still hitting a move and then standing around and yelling things, so not much changed. Cena again tries to mount a comeback but runs into a bear hug. This gives Bryan a chance to tag himself back in, and the image of Daniel Bryan yelling up at Big Show to get out of the ring is freaking hilarious. Danielson fails to hit a move on him, and this gives Punk a chance to hammily put the length rope in his mouth before tagging himself back in. Punk gets a close fall, but Show breaks it up. Punk goes for a tag but finds no one, and now we get to watch Show stand around some more while occasionally hitting a move.

22. Show does the "Shhh" frying pan chop again, as I cringe to myself recalling what a Low-ki chop feels like. We get our second bear hug of the match, this time with Punk. Punk fights out of it but walks into a back body drop, enabling Show more time to walk around. Punk starts to fight back again, knocks Danielson off the apron, and walks into another slam, which allows Show to once again walk around. This costs him, which gives Danielson a chance to tag himself in, and another huge cheer goes up from the crowd. Show decides to continue walking around on the outside as Danielson hits his sick kicks on Punk before he catches an opening and both men are down. I legit laughed out loud when Punk saw Cena and said, "Oh now you want a tag?"

23. Punk hits two shoulder knockdowns, and Danielson misses a clothesline, allowing Punk to mock the "You Can't See Me". Cena tags himself in as Cena reclines against the ropes with a smartass look on his face. Cena tries very hard to do the high knee in the corner but instead does a high... Hip? Kudos for the effort. Punk leaves the apron, which gives Cena reason to turn around, suddenly hit the AA on the only guy in the match who was obviously going to take the pinfall, and the good guys win. Big Show tries to get in the ring after the celebrating Cena, but Punk jumps in the ring and clocks him with the title belt. The tension then builds as Cena and Punk stare each other down. Punk offers Cena a handshake, which gets him more boos than anything else he's done the entire night. Cena refuses to shake his hand, and I'm not sure who they're booing now. A pretty decent match when Big Show wasn't standing around yelling, and an interesting development of tension between the two other guys.

24. Josh Matthews immediately interviews CM Punk backstage, and Punk makes a smartass remark about Cena learning a new move. He references Ring of Honor, saying not taking a handshake is an insult where he comes from, and they're really blurring the heel/face lines. I love it.

25. Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are shown ambiguously talking. The scene immediately gets more interesting when a familiar theme hits, and Damien Sandow graces us with his presence. It looks like he's in a Beard-Off with Daniel Bryan. His opponent tonight will be Christian, who I guess is being relegated to enhancement talent after his run with the Intercontinental title. Sandow is very aggressive and over-emphasizing every move and taunt he does, which is both very old-school and a lot of fun to watch. Christian starts to take his shine, and immediately sets up for his finisher. Sandow pulls Christian out of the ring and slams his head against the ring steps several times, which actually looks pretty brutal.

26. FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! Brodus Clay comes out to a huge ovation, and it gives Christian the chance for a roll-up, but it fails. Brodus stares on as Sandow gets the win and Brodus stares him down. Sandow does a cartwheel to celebrate his win. This guy gets more fun every week. Before anything else can transpire, Shawn Michaels is backstage and runs straight into Brock Lesnar. Lesnar stares at him, Michaels leaves, and Lesnar cracks an evil smile.

27. Brock Lesnar comes out to the contract signing set, and there seems to be a lot of show left, so this may take a while. Paul E. gets on the mic, once again saying the name "BRRRRRRRROCK Lesnar" so awesomely. Heyman says that he believes the flight delay story because nobody wants the match more than Triple H. It's apparently the most personal match in H's career, and the entire WWE's image is on the line. Heyman makes me laugh by responding to the crowd heat with "Thank you for your most irrelevant opinion." He seems to be on his game tonight.

28. Heyman continues being on a roll by saying that everyone looking for a good wrestling match is going to be disappointed. It's going to be an uncomfortable beating, which is pretty much how the Cena/Lesnar fight went. Shawn Michaels' opinion is called into question, and they summon him to come say that Triple H is going to win to Brock Lesnar's face. This is probably what would've happened had last week's RAW not been in San Antonio. Heyman piles on the insults, but it's saying that everyone from Texas has a yellow streak up their spine that brings "Sexy Boy" to the speakers. The Texas crowd is obviously very vocal in their support of HBK. Heyman invites Shawn Michaels to sign the contract for Triple H. Before anything can transpire, Triple H's music hits. He takes his suit jacket off two seconds after hitting the stage, so you know he means business. This is just such a big moment, I really wish they would've built it up more. If only they'd had some highlight videos to recap everything so I could've known about it. Triple H signs the contract while trying to look up to prevent a Lesnar attack the best he can. I love that a small "Jimmy John's" chant got started, as I've been laughing about that visible logo for months. Lesnar signs the contract, throws it at Triple H, and then leaves. This can't be it, there's still way too much time left on my DVR.

29. Tout videos about Alberto Del Rio, fast forward. Triple H and Shawn Michaels are backstage, and HBK tells him that he's going to have to win alone. I suppose that's a step up from him telling that he can't beat the Undertaker. Shawn says his heart isn't in this, and Michaels does a slow walk away. Nothing's going to go wrong here. Big Show is about to be interviewed, and a car horn is heard. HBK appears to have T-boned Paul Heyman, and Brock Lesnar pulls HBK out of the car, knocks into the camera man, and all we hear is the sound of Michaels getting mauled as we go into another commercial break. A bunch of the roster is surrounding the destroyed car, and Triple H asks everyone where Shawn is. It seems they've kidnapped him?

30. Brock Lesnar walks out with Shawn Michaels in the F-5 position. He does his jump taunt before following him in the ring. Michaels' shirt is torn, and HBK is stumbling around selling as only he can. Lesnar hits HBK with an F-5 as Heyman enjoys every second of it. Strange that absolutely no one would come to the aid of someone so beloved and respected. HBK crawls up Lesnar's legs similar to his match with Undertaker at WrestleMania 26. Triple H finally runs out, but Heyman says if he doesn't stay where he is, Brock will break his arm. Triple H struggles with what to do. Lesnar breaks his arm anyway and even Heyman is surprised by this for some reason. Why is he freaking out, of all people? HBK is infuriated, and tells Triple H to get away from him. He then tells the medics to stop touching it. How can he be funny even when he's selling a broken arm? Lesnar reappears at the top of the stage, which gets Triple H's attention, but... nothing comes of it. The show goes off the air with Triple H trying to call Lesnar back down to the ring. A good half hour was devoted to this. It's a shame it took getting HBK involved for people to give a shit, but what they did tonight was good, if a bit... Okay, a lot... Drawn out. It was a decent show, or maybe I thought better of it because I skipped all the highlight videos and Touting, but it seemed like a good go-home show for Summerslam.

DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?

CM Punk was really silly and over the top, as was Damien Sandow. JTG had another hammy moment, but I just can't give it to him. Daniel Bryan continues to make the word ham synonymous with his appearances, but doesn't take it this week. It's gotta go to Roddy Piper, who was so excited he messed up his own catch phrase.

1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Rega
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper

For followers of Jaded Hope, if you haven't seen it yet, check out the best of Season 2 here. This week's new episode is posted at the top, as per usual:

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