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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts: RAW 1000 - 7-30-12
1. Sorry for the delay everyone, I had a 12-plus hour shift last night going til after one in the morning, and I wasn't exactly coherent enough to watch two episodes of RAW after a tedious abomination known as inventory. I have to say, WWE's opening signature is a lot better than it has been in a long time. Apparently a fire broke out on the Titan Tron, and it had nothing to do with Kane making his presence felt, which is disappointing to everyone not named JR. How are we starting off the 1001st episode RAW? By recapping RAW 1000 like it was WrestleMania. However, as always, the video editing team made it quite awesome. I gotta say though, I do wish they would tell me if DX reunited or not. Holy shit, did they make Punk's clothesline something epic! It was like half Mortal Kombat, half Inception. It looked pretty damn wicked.
2. RAW is already good, because Living Colour has been played, and Nickelback has not. CM Punk is opening the show, presumably to explain his actions, and what Cole and Lawler are most excited about is that Punk has not said anything on Twitter. Punk explains that his RAW moment was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. There is noticeable heat, and Punk appears to be taking exception to Lawler's remarks about turning his back on the WWE Universe. Punk walks out of the ring to the announcer's desk and goes into Pipe Bomb mode. Punk is emphatic about not interrupting him, but angrier about Rock getting a gifted title shot at the Royal Rumble. Punk is doing a great job of making heelish actions justified with his explanation. He makes a helluva point about the RAW episode ending with the focus on the WWE champion, a bit of a tongue-in-cheek remark if I do say so myself.
3. Big Show's music hits, which should emphatically annoy CM Punk, because he hates being interrupted. Show somehow takes the perspective that the end of RAW 1000 was all about him. I did get a bit of a laugh at Show mocking the people booing him. He does make a good case for Punk still being WWE champion because of him, which I'm sure in no way will invoke a smartass comeback. Show takes the vows, and by that I mean he vows he'll be the next WWE champion. Right on cue, CM Punk is not impressed, and drops a really hammy line about "winning".
4. Another interruption follows as Cena's music hits, and Cena comes out house of fire, like he should have for his previous feuds with him and Johnny Ace. CM Punk just leans back casually against the ropes. As Big Show evades Cena's onslaught in the ring, AJ comes out dressed like Stephanie McMahon circa "All Grown Up", and makes a match between John Cena and the Big Show to face CM Punk at Summerslam. Well it is a new era, being the 1001st episode of RAW, so I suppose we should make a main event that no one's ever seen. We're then shown the seizure-inducing Summerslam graphic for the booked match of Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar before going to commercial. Most things are still left to be determined, which is how a show should begin.
5. Summoning the onslaught of social media, Lawler and Cole whore out for Tout reactions about what CM Punk said. Goodie. Daniel Bryan is shown being scared to go into AJ's locker room, and Santino comes out while Cole manages to plug not only Santino's YouTube show, but Shazam at the same time. Later he'll be promoting the advertisements that play during Santino's show. And since Ricardo Rodriguez is being introduced, I can only presume that it's Santino's monthly job duty to the Black Hole of Charisma. I think the WWE's booking logic dictates that every time Del Rio gets a title shot, he has to destroy Santino Marella. Right as I'm about to make a joke, I get a Facebook post from Joshua McClain: "With ADR just coming out I think he's calling you out man. Black Hole of Charisma in black tights now. I don't think that's a coincidence..." What also may not be a coincidence is that this match is actually longer than a minute for once, as Santino actually has an advantage going into the commercial break. Well that's nice to see, as opposed to a one-minute squash match that accomplishes exactly nothing.
6. As we come back from commercial, Tout comments are again being summoned for the same reason instead of calling the damn match. They've already upped the social media whorage from last week that inspired the new Laiman series "Monday Night Twoutter." It's like they're daring me to mock them now. Santino keeps trying to fight out of rest holds until he finally gets his hope spot with a suplex. Santino does a split, but fails to get back up in time, and Del Rio kicks him down. He then does the single most exaggerated simple boot kick that I've ever seen, with a big war cry to complete it. In a finish that surprises absolutely nobody, Santino goes for the Cobra, misses, and Del Rio locks in the cross-armbreaker. I guess they should be used to it, but at least it lasted longer than a minute this time. Del Rio then grabs a mic and puts over his fallen opponent by calling him nothing. Then apparently the World Champion Sheamus is nothing. Everyone is nothing and they are all beneath him. Del Rio then answers one of my prayers by saying that he won't compete until Summerslam. Wow, thanks Del Rio! I appreciate you voiding yourself of your presence as much as possible! Think you could relegate yourself to a dark match with Leo Kruger for the next six months as well?
7. What? You came back from commercial halfway through my FUNK IS ON A ROLL! Milton must set the building on fire for this travesty... Oh yeah. Vickie Guerrero interrupts Captain Brodus and the Funkateers saying... something. I couldn't make it out. She then decides to do a dance of her own, because... We haven't seen that before, and a random shifting camera angle of the ramp, despite nobody being on it, capstones it. The sound of awesome cuts it off, and Damien Sandow and his Hugh Hefner robe have arrived. Bonus points for saying "kind sir." He replays the DX reunion, that I was unaware even happened, and decides to relive Dolph Ziggler telling him to Suck It. This causes him to attack Brodus Clay, because... Brodus Clay had something to do with it, I guess. Vickie Guerrero's point in this was, what exactly? Shit gets serious when Sandow breaks Brodus's bling. I mean, attacking him unprovoked and insulting him is one thing, but when you break the bling, it's on!
8. Daniel Bryan finally walks into AJ's locker room, which is accompanied by a catcall from somewhere. AJ seems to have a new spine about her and tells him to shut up. Apparently those men in white were from a mental hospital, which is pretty damn funny. AJ then books Bryan in a match against the Eighteen Second Wonder himself, Sheamus.
9. Now we get to recap the booking of Lesnar/Triple H... You know, in case you missed it last week, the recap last week, the recap on Smackdown, and the recap in the RAW 1000 highlight video at the top of the show. Cute how they bleeped out the word "ass" with a scoreboard sound, because I guess if the kids who heard it last week heard it again in recap, they'd feel the rapture and go into convulsive "too much swearing" seizures. Then they'd go play Modern Warfare 3 on X-Box live and call each other names that would be censored from even this column. Hey get it, their match is gonna be a perfect storm, because Lesnar does the F-5! Oh Cole, you are so clever.
10. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, now there's another Twitter poll about deciding what kind of match Sheamus and Bryan are going to have. We can vote for a no-holds barred, a street fight, or a falls count anywhere match... Which are... Basically, the same thing. Sheamus has to affirm that putting everything on Twitter is a good idea, which means a later episode of Monday Night Twoutter will have to featyre that at some point. "You were supposed to hashtag BrogueKick, not BroKick! It's simple vernacular! What a shameful thing..."
11. While recapping the epic fire scene, Michael Cole says that the fans have been "nothing short than electric." Good JBL, I hate you sometimes... And by sometimes, I mean all the time. I think Slick should manage Daniel Bryan. We have to recap that AJ is the new GM, in case you missed that she's already announced that she's the new GM, made the first decision as the new GM, and had a backstage scene as the new GM. Daniel Bryan goes all "Don't play sing along with the Rock" in telling the crowd not to chant "YES!" Gee, I wonder if that'll make them chant it more... Oh, you silly Dragon ham, you...
12. IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTERHEAD! I FOUND MY THRILL ON BLUEBERRY HILL, HOAK HOGAN! THAT'S RIGHT, A FATS DOMINO REFERENCE IN A PROMO! SUCK A BAG OF DICKS, HOAK HOGAN! YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HAVE YOUR THIRTEENTH YEAR REUNION AT MY HIGH SCHOOL! YOU THINK THAT JUST BY SHOWING ME A FLUTE THAT HAS MADE VAGINAL INTRUSION IS GOING TO INFLUENCE ME?! I HAVE PROTECTION AGAINST THE SCENT OF TUNA, HOAK HOGAN! YOU'LL HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY THAT GUY FROM THE RUNDOWN, AND NO THIS TIME I DO NOT MEAN THE ROCK, HOAK HOGAN! YOU'LL WISH YOU'D CAUGHT YOUR DICK IN A CLOSING LAPTOP WHEN I GET A HOLD OF YOU! PORNIN' DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK, HOAK HOGAN!
13. Sheamus, the World HEAV Y WEIGHT Champion, according to the name banner, is out to try to figure out how to kick through Daniel Bryan's massive beard to make the Brogue Kick effective. Because we have to get through the match with the entertaining wrestler in order to get to the Summerslam match with the one who can't even make a car assault interesting. Lawler says that Sheamus is still smokin' hot, despite the fact that when he said it, Sheamus had his own version of a not impressed face. Quick, before we have a wrestling match, let's let Twitter dictate the show, please! The Street Fight winning invokes a huge reaction, because I'm guessing the No Holds Barred option made fans think they were voting for that 80s Hoak Hogan movie they've been plugging for two months.
14. Finally we get some wrestling again, and it's a hot opener. Bryan and Sheamus both start quick, and hey, it's already longer than their WrestleMania match. Another 42 seconds, and it'll be longer than most Santino/Del Rio matches, tonight excluded of course. Sheamus dominates the opening of the match before we're reminded that these things are trending on Twitter. Remember when we could just watch wrestling matches? Bryan starts to land some solid kicks before getting backdropped on the steel ramp, which no matter how you land can never feel good. He then gets headshoved into the WWE set, which makes John Morrison nostalgic. Danielson finally gets an advantage and kicks Sheamus off the stage, which is about a five foot drop. Except if it had happened at the end of a RAW, then it would've been a twelve foot drop and Sheamus would've been knocked out cold with three fractured ribs and a punctured lung. Maybe he'd get a really big cast, but still be wrestling with it too! I love consistency.
15. I guess these matches are now called #RAWactive. Dear JBL, does that mean I'm gonna have to put up with this shit every week? Fine, the worse it gets, the more I'll mock it on #MNT. See what I did there? In case you didn't realize this, the match is under street fight rules. In this street fight featuring Sheamus and Daniel Bryan, they're having a street fight that is indeed under street fight rules, because when you have a street fight, despite the fact that there is no street, you have to follow street fight rules. The only problem? They forgot the one rule of street fights... You have to wear blue jeans, you fucking noobs!
16. Sheamus gets a chair, and gets Daniel Bryan back in the ring, just so he can throw him back out again. he gets a kendo stick for his troubles. Maybe Steve Blackman can teach him how to break Charlie Sheen's face with that thing. He's only a few miles away from me, I'm sure I can ask. Bryan and Sheamus go back and forth before Bryan gets his vicious dropkick into the corner for a near-fall. They again go to the outside and WHOA MAN, A SHOULDER TACKLE! I think shoulder tackles from Sheamus give Michael COle feelings in funny places. Sheamus then gets reversed into the ring post, which Cole can't decide if it was his shoulder or skull, despite the fact that it looked like his face. Bryan decides he's going to be a big boy and throws the steel steps in the ring. He then utilizes an Irish Whip (get it?) before getting him back toward the steps. I guess it didn't hurt too much, because Sheamus sees Bryan going for a kendo stick and immediately Hoaks up. Bryan gets a BOOT TO THE HEAD! into the steel steps and Lobsterhead gets the win. Damn good match. Lawler says that Del Rio's gotta be excited about Summerslam, which is incorrect because that would require him to have an emotion.
17. Daniel Bryan summons more hamminess to call for a doctor, acting like a kid who didn't get Captain Crunch in the grocery aisle. We then have to recap every single part of the opening segment, including the entire AJ speech about doing so. Bryan continues to throw the Jellyfish move which causes... Kofi Kingston and R-TROOF in a suit to come out? Oh please tell me there's more ham in this segment. Kofi asks Bryan to leave, which causes a quick camera shot of the stage for some reason. Bryan starts looking for a little Jimmy... pause. Bryan then kicks Little Jimmy, which nearly causes TROOF to have a seizure, flying out of the ring to console him. Wow, between Bryan yelling at him and TROOF yelling at his imaginary friend, this is a huge slice of ham and cheese. The men in white coats come to take him away, haha, they're coming to take him away. This gives us more AJ, who tells us that they're giving D-Bry a psychiatric evaluation. AJ then does her best impression of someone with severe scoliosis while laughing at him. There was enough ham for Easter in that few minutes of television.
18. TROOF continues to ham it up after the commercial break by sitting Little Jimmy on a steel chair before going to Kofi's corner. Some guy in a faux-hawk among others send in their Tout videos, and my Not Give a Shit levels are off the charts. Now we get more Touts to ask who is unstable, AJ or D-Bry. I spoke too soon. Speaking of hashtag douchebags, AW makes it through his entire introduction without saying it once, I'm impressed. Please cut his mic during the match, that's all I ask. Someone needs to tell Titus O'Neil to relax. After all, George Clinton is tuning up inside.
19. This is the first time I've seen Titus in a singles match that I can remember since NXT. I guess they aren't gonna cut AW's mic, but at least he isn't talking the whole time. Titus is still very green, but he's gotten leaps and bounds better. AW does have a nice suit though. Kofi gets a hope spot, and Titus sells it like he's the Big Show taking a Rey-Rey kick. Finally Kofi gets him off his feet for the trademark moves. Darren Young gets on the apron, TROOF knocks him off, and AW throws a shoe at him and says "Yo Mama." Seriously, who throws a shoe? That was actually kinda funny though, in how silly it was. Had we not had that TROOF/Bryan hamfest earlier, it might be a contender. Titus gets the win after the distraction.
20. Punk and Cena are backstage. Punk's trying to justify his actions last week against Big Show before saying that he doesn't wish him luck because he doesn't care who wins. Cena is visibly annoyed with Punk acting like a face and yet very subtly being a heel at the same time. I like it. That's what makes Punk great. When they come back, Cole apologizes for AW's words earlier... I guess I missed something.
21. Heath Slater is in the ring, and his APA/Legends beatdown is recapped, which I suppose means this angle is continuing. Awesome! Slater subverts his previous few months by asking for a CURRENT superstar to face him. Gee, I bet this won't bite him in the ass... A certain theme hits, and I guess I was enjoying the time that he was gone too much. Randy Orton soaks in as much of his entrance as he can, and then we have to plug Shazam again... Ugh. Slater actually gets a few seconds of an advantage here, which I hope means he's starting to work his way up the totem pole. It doesn't last long, as Orton's trademarks come out early. I hope Slater whispers that DDP did the cutter better. Oh well, at least I didn't have to put up with him that long. I suppose he'll be punished for his Wellness Policy violation with a world title shot.
22. Daniel Bryan is backstage getting his psych evaluation, getting questions that are yes/no only. Oh, hilarity is going to ensue here. A certain question about last week causes Daniel Bryan to go into a YESfit. He's sure getting a lot of TV time this week. The Heyman/Triple H/Lesnar stuff is recapped again after the commercial, if you missed all those previous times.
23. I guess Jericho is officially face, as he's teaming with his former Vitamin C tag team partner, Christian. I wonder if he asked about the ass cream. They'll be facing team New Age Heels in the Miz and Dolphy Gunn. This definitely has the potential to be a good top of the hour match. There's a lot of black and purple tights, as well as blonde hair in this match. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it's pretty damn funny. Dolph continues to avoid Jericho as Cole says that he's been in a "Tout War". That phrase exists?
24. The match goes into the break on a high spot, but comes back in the middle of the cheap heat, because who needs to see that? We have more Tout videos to show. The Miz looks rejuvenated, and Ziggler looks as great as ever. I actually wouldn't mind seeing these two as a competitive tag team, seeing as they're going against former tag team champions here and holding their own quite well. Christian appears to finally get a hope spot, and they cut it off to perfection, no pun intended. Dolphy Gunn completely botches a Fame-asser, I think. Unless that was intentional, but either way, it looked pretty silly. Props to him for continuing, although the announcers didn't help by continuing to rail on about it. Jericho gets the hot tag and hits a sweet springboard dropkick. He gets a nearfall after hitting a Lionsault, which Dolphy breaks up. Christian hits a sick-looking Spear but then gets tossed into the corner. With assistance from Christian, Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Miz and gets the pinfall win. Very good match. Ziggler attacks him post-match, and their feud is going to continue. I'm quite all right with this.
25. Hey, did you know there was a fire in the building tonight? Did the crowd have to come in late? Was there a pyrotechnics test? Maybe Commissioner Gordon just dropped the flare when Batman told him to, did you ever think of that? Daniel Bryan is back on camera taking a Rorschach test, which makes DB believe that Charlie Sheen put him up to it... Ugh, I guess they really are going through with this. Are they bringing back Snooki to be the guest referee? Wait, I hope I didn't just give them an idea... Oh goodie, more Touts! Some guy has his arm behind the back of his head like he's getting blown while recording it. Chris Hansen, line 2?
26. Albert Tensai Train gets the jobber entrance, and he's facing Tyson Kidd again. AT&T has beaten the shit out of him since that upset victory. I'm really hoping the guy doesn't get Trent Baretta'd here. Tyson gets the hope spot after a few minutes of domination with a sweet high back kick. He looks like he has a chance with a near fall, but doesn't, and he loses within a few seconds. So the point of this was... What, exactly? Tyson gets a big win, does nothing to capitalize on it, gets the shit beaten out of him, and loses. This has been another pointless moment, courtesy of questionable booking. Oh wait, the decision gets reversed because AT&T won't stop beating the shit out of him, which is a great way to get a win. AT&T calls his manslave over, and I guess we get to watch him get the shit beaten out of him again. Before we can find out if anything comes of it, we're back to Daniel Bryan being completely sane. The lights suddenly go red, and Kane grabs him by the throat and tells him he's his anger management therapist! Okay, that was awesome. Maybe his first lesson will be setting the Tron on fire.
27. Good JBL, are you fucking kidding me?! We're recapping Triple H/Heyman/Lesnar AGAIN?! What's this, four times in one show? At least Wade Barrett's skybox has DVR. Fast forward.
28. CM Punk is on commentary. The only thing that could make that more awesome is having Scott Stanford to verbally abuse with him. Punk gets a little punny by saying that Cincinnati is "on fire" tonight. Big Show isn't worried about getting a title shot, because after all, he does have an IRONCLAD contract. Punk's reign continues to get longer, now at number 14, which is awesome. He won't be challenging Bruno Sammartino anytime soon, but I'm still enjoying a long title reign.
29. Thank you, CM Punk, for saying what we've all thought in the last few years: Call the damn match. Imagine that, calling the wrestling match that's happening before your very eyes! A good few minutes are taken up by a sleeper hold, an attempted reversal, and another sleeper hold. I have to admit, even with CM Punk on commentary, I got distracted and bored quicker than I do when I hear "Will Ferrell starring in..."
30. Let's Go Cena is trending on Twitter. Here I thought the internet hated Cena, go figure. Show yelled something at the crowd at one point, which brought my attention back just in time for the hope spot and CM Punk's signature snark. Now we have a bear hug, because two sleeper holds just weren't enough. The crowd seems to be enjoying it though, so... Good for them, I suppose. We get the same spot where Cena tries to slam him and the weight collapses on him, and Lawler calls it the impossible, despite the fact that he did it to win the US Championship at WrestleMania XX EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO! Cena counters something with a DDT, though it was more of a somersault than anything. Cena hits his trademarks, and Cole yells that this is what WWE is all about. Yes, Cole... Remember that. It's not about Tweets, Touts, and Shazams, it's about JBLdamn wrestling! Three hours is starting to seem like a really long time. On the outside, Cena gets tossed into Punk at the commentary table, which I'm sure won't go well for their cohesion. Unfortunately, that means Punk is no longer there for commentary. Lawler says that Cena is thrown into Punk like a runaway train, because I guess that runaway trains get thrown? As Cena does "The Impossible" yet again, Punk attacks them both and then kicks Big Show in the head. He then grabs a mic and says that nobody won the match and they're both losers, further signaling that it is indeed a heel turn. He walks past another AJ appearance, who says they're both winners and Punk will defend the title against both Show and Cena. Punk makes me laugh out loud by saying, "I don't care if you're the GM, you're a bad GM." The show goes off the air with Punk yelling for respect. There were a couple of good matches tonight, but not much has changed with the three hour input, making the show seem a lot longer and a lot more full of forcefed social media. However, there were two awesome segments and a continuing running trope. How many appearances did Daniel Bryan make tonight?
I gotta give it to two people, TROOF and Daniel Bryan, because both of them made something silly like kicking an imaginary friend into something so over the top and silly that it was just awesome. Bryan also gets included for some of his other ham throughout the night.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Rega
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
For followers of Jaded Hope, if you haven't seen it yet, check out the best of Season 2 here. This week's new episode is posted at the top, as per usual: