IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 5-28-12
By Al Laiman
May 29, 2012 - 2:17:00 AM
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First things first, my fifth book, third in the wrestling saga "The Elven Warrior" has just been released. For anyone who buys the new book and sends me a picture of it, I will send you a free, autographed copy of "Taking Bumps: How I Made 49 Bucks in Pro Wrestling." It is available here: https://www.createspace.com/3640895 or on Amazon under my shoot name: Alexander Goodlive. Be sure to like my author page and the other two project pages as well!
Second, you can now follow Jaded Hope on Twitter at @JadedHope1. Because of my personal reluctance to actually use Twitter, I went the Damien Sandow route and got a scribe.
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 5-28-12
1. First thought of the day has to be recalling for all of you the dumbest question I heard all day. For those unaware, it's Memorial Day in the US, as it is every last Monday in May. Someone asked me today "How is it that Monday Night RAW always falls on Memorial Day?" I blame Nantucket.
2. The recap starts with everything in black and white except for Cena's green shirt and hat, because I guess they really wanted to emphasize that he's a Celtics fan. Hell, if they beat LeBron in his smug face, I'll be glad to temporarily be a fan. However, I have to say, the opening trailer was incredibly epic. I can't say it enough; the video production team has been the most consistently awesome aspect of this promotion for a long time. While they recap Big Show's explanation for judging John Cena, my only guess is that he did it for The Rock.
3. Big Show's music hits first, and I already miss the fun-loving Big Show. I don't even want to guess what his suit size is, but it follows in the recent trend of heels for the last five years that losing all your facial expressions and wearing a suit automatically means you're a heel. I have to admit I laughed out loud at his reaction to the "what?" chants. In case you weren't aware, Big Show has an ironclad contract. Not just a contract, but an ironclad one. Maybe the Merrimack and the Monitor are on the top. And now that CM Punk is not an entertainer but a professional wrestler, Big Show is not an entertainer but a giant. Show continues to run down sports stars from all walks and say that no one else is in his league.
4. Now suddenly I'm interested. Show takes it personally that the Funk was on a Roll minutes after begging for his job. Show hams it up because Brodus was dancing when his tears weren't even dry. Now that's a really good point and an angle to take, maybe to get Brodus past jobbers and the Biff/Dolph Connection. Show makes me laugh again by thinking Cena was going to threaten a mutiny, but instead shows Cena doing his hammy Ace Ventura schtick. If they keep up with this take on it, I might take back the bad things I said about this angle last week.
5. Damn, Show's getting some Helmsley time here. He finally wraps it up by saying that all of the destruction he's going to cause for Cena puts a smile on my face. I swear, it would've been perfect if he just added, "And that's... not a bad thing! That's... a good thing!"
6. If Alberto Del Rio faced a returning JBL, how would they do both of their full entrances? I think IRS and Repo Man would have to get involved at some point due to the longhorns putting puncture wounds in Del Rio's bumper. He might be a WRESTLINGAH GAWHAD, but I hope he doesn't have cut rate insurance.
7. Well, the Black Hole of Freaking Boredom just made the US champion look like absolute shit. I did enjoy Ricardo hamming it up in response to Santino's angle with him last week. Couldn't they have had an actual wrestling match instead of making their midcard champion look like a complete tool? Would it have hurt them that much? Couldn't Big Show have talked two minutes less in order to at least make a champion vs. number one contender match not be a squash match? This is the guy who nearly won the Elimination Chamber, and he lost in the amount of time it took me to write thought six to a guy who has in-ring talent but the charisma of a kiwi? Bullshit! I'm not even a big Santino fan and that pisses me off.
8. Okay, now that I've gotten that rant over with, the tag team titles are on the line next. They're once again facing Biff and Ziggler, because I guess losing to the Usos on Superstars last week qualified them for another shot.
9. Did Dolph Ziggler do the Mr. Ass taunt during his entrance?
10. Biff isn't happy because he normally does his wrestling before breakfast, and isn't about to take the abuse from his opponents, especially when they're egg-suckin' gutter trash. Troofble in Paradise get the shine early before they go to commercial with some high-flying double-team action.
11. Returning from the break, Biff continues laying in the cheap heat as he tries to blot out the memory of Kofi punching him at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. The TROOF gets the hot tag and does a damn impressive roll-through pin combination. Another nice tag combination follows with TROOF vaulting Kofi over him. TROOF makes sure that Biff gets got and gets the win, as it appears some of the younger tag teams are going to get their chance. Now please do something with Dolph Ziggler. He walks out on Vicki and Biff, so that better lead to an improvement in his status.
12. Big Show is backstage and taunts an injured Santino before Brodus Clay makes the save. He actually comes across pretty badass for standing up for Santino and challenging Show to his face. He may not get the win here, but working with a former world champion, not to mention his first opponent that's bigger than he is, should really kickstart his run and see what potential there really is for him.
13. Laurinaitis rides to the ring, because he can go go go in his Hoverround. Indoors! Outdoors! All over town! Eve and Carlton Cosby accompany him as he has an easel with a curtain over it. His first announcement is that Big Show will face Brodus Clay, because I'm guessing we needed that clarified. The second thing is that Show and Cena will take place in a steel cage. Heh heh, it's almost like they brought back No Way Out for a reason like that.
14. What was under the curtain? Laurinaitis doing his best JFK face on the cover of WWE '13, which doesn't take long for CM Punk to NOT be impressed by it. Cole nearly loses his shit when Punk puts his gum on the seat of JL's Hoverround. Seriously, he stuttered so much, I thought Bubba Ray Dudley and Goldust were having a promo battle. There's ham and then there's just annoying.
15. Punk is out and the insults are flying early. Punk is in good form tonight, and he unveils the true cover of WWE '13, complete with pyro. Though, for some reason, the cover cuts off his eyes. Punk makes a not-so-subtle "MINE'S BIGGER!", and Punk apparently also loves the Carlton reference for Otunga. He also hams it up with the longest match description in history just for giggles before telling Laurinaitis to leave. Not as good as his Pipe Bombs, but you can't expect those every week. Enjoyable enough.
16. As Daniel Bryan comes out for his match with Punk, Cole and Lawler attempt to sound cool describing what the game is going to be like. Outside of an updated roster, I'm pretty sure it's not gonna be a whole lot different than the last one. I hear they're trying to focus less on the Create-A-Wrestler function, which is the best part of playing any wrestling game, so that's kinda lame. People who don't even like wrestling will play wrestling games for that.
17. Either YES-a-Mania is cooling down, or New Orleans just isn't that into it. I noticed from the Smackdown clip, it was readily apparent. The early back and forth is highlighted by an awesome suplex from Bryan. Their in-ring chemistry is obvious, but with less time to work with to build up the match, they have to quicken the pace a bit. The chain-wrestling, submissions, and pinfall combinations are pure wrestling, and it's just a pleasure to watch.
18. Bryan hit a top-rope Shining Wizard that looked stiff as shit. Punk does some high-risk to get Bryan to the outside, and suddenly AJ comes out in a Punk shirt looking cute as hell. The plot thickens as Punk's crazy chick has come out for supporting purposes.
19. During the commercial, Bryan hit another nice running knee. It'd be nice if commercials could be Capstones instead of bookmarks, but what the fuck do I know? Bryan's full in on the cheap heat, as he swears by the power of his playoff beard that he doesn't notice AJ's bottom lip quivering. Bryan hit another corner kick, and I swear I had to rewind on the DVR to hear Cole say that Bryan was gonna knock off the champion, because the first time around, it sounded like he said he was gonna knock up the champion. Dear JBL, that's a remake of Junior waiting to happen...
20. Punk starts the comeback with some kicks. Punk kicks him in the side and Bryan grabs his head... for some reason. Bryan nearly kicks Punk's head off, but it's countered for a near fall. It may just be good selling, but Punk looks like he's working hurt.
21. I am damn surprised how much time that this match is getting, but it's been really good. AJ tries to cause the distraction, I think... Punk gets in a good kick for a near fall, and CM Punk is not impressed with Divas getting involved in his match. The follow-up distraciton causes Punk to go head-first into an exposed turnbucke, which causes AJ to look like somebody told her she couldn't have a puppy.
22. As Bryan celebrates his victory, Kane hits the ring with a chair to probably the biggest face pop of the night. He chokeslams Bryan on the chair, which cannot be a fun bump to take. Kane then decides to go after Punk for some reason, but Punk gets a chair at the assistance of AJ and wins the duel. Kane sells up the ramp a little more than usual, and I hope that's just a little overacting.
23. Christian, the other midcard champion, is out for an announced match. I'm liking the wrestling-heavy focus on this show. Despite the initial squash at the beginning, it's been pretty damn good so far. Cody Rhodes is down on commentary, wishing he was on Warehouse 13 where he could just get drunk and emo and be ogled without the effort. Miz will be his opponent, which should make for an interesting match.
24. King mentions Chris Perez giving the "You Can't See Me!" taunt, and I was watching that game. Perez is a ham and a half, for the non-baseball initiated. Listening to Cody Rhodes on commentary reminds me of a show where I listened to Larry Sweeney doing commentary. It was one of the funniest things I've ever heard, especially where he proclaimed that if he were to come out for a match with Jesus that he would get the bigger pop.
25. Christian looks like he's channeling Edge for the Spear, but Miz hits an awesome counter kick and nearly gets the pinfall. These two are working really well together. Rhodes tries to get the distraction and Miz nearly wins it. When it doesn't work, Rhodes decides to leave instead of try again, and a missed corner move leads to an Unprettier Killswitch, followed by the Five-Leaf Frog Splash for the win. Backstage, poor Teddy Long is now in a Magenta outfit along with his nametag, and Carlton Cosby asks for a match against Lobsterhead. That... seems like a bad idea on his part. Not for me; anytime David Otunga gets kicked in the face, I'm a happy guy.
26. Back from commercial, and Miz is in the ring still demanding the same respect that Big Show got. Randy Orton interrupts him in order to establish that Miz is replacing Jericho in that feud because of his unfortunate flag interest. Backstage, Dolph is watching and wants to be Orton right then. I don't think that's a good idea. Dolph, you actually have more than one facial expression, it just wouldn't work.
27. Kane now has a title shot against Punk on Smackdown. Interesting... Carlton Cosby is out for his Hollaback Masterpiece entrance, and I have a feeling it will last longer than the match itself. But you know what... WARRIOR: IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTERHEARD! GHOSTWRITER, WHAT A TRIP, HOAK HOGAN! WHERE IN THE WORLD EXACTLY IS THIS CARMEN SAN DIEGO, HOAK HOGAN! LOAD THE SPACESHIP WITH THE ROCKET FUEL AND BLAST OFF UNTIL YOU FIND THAT CRAFTY BITCH! BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY CAN SHOW YOU HOW TO BLAST TO THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT, HOAK HOGAN! DESTRUCITY! DESTRUCITY! WHO'S GOT THE DESTRUCITY IN STORE FOR THE MASTER OF THE ARGYLES!!!! SKRRRRRRRONK!
28. So let me get this straight, the US champion can't even mount some offense against the number one contender, but the junior associate coffee-slurping lackey can somehow manage to control the offense for at least a few minutes? Where the fuck are your priorities? Oh well, Otunga got kicked in the face... I think. It was a weird angle.
29. Damn, I'm running out of space for thoughts! I hope the Big Show/Brodus match is the main event, or it might be a plus-one evening. FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! AND ROSIE HAS TO WATCH IT IN THE MAIN EVENT! However, as much as I enjoy his entrance, he should've sold the seriousness of the confrontation and perhaps at least toned it down a bit. He appears to be getting a huge pop, which only means good thing for his placement in the main event. Big Show runs down Brodus, concluding by saying that he doesn't have any talent... Um... Way to promo bury your main event opponent, Show.
30. Big Show assaults Brodus on the outside as the girls stay inside the ring, for some reason... Kofi and TROOF run out, but Show catches Kofi and tosses him into TROOF. The announcer's table gets cleared, but he accidentally breaks it down with a kick... Whoops. He then uses a panel from it to smack him, which looked like it hurt as much as a plastic whiffle ball bat. This isn't exactly the best way to book am up-and-coming face with a 22-0 record, not to mention the tag team champions at the same time. I get that they're smaller than him, but Brodus didn't even get in a lick of offense so far. He then takes a WMD to the face, and any badassness he had from the earlier segment is gone. I get that you need to build up Big Show, I really do... But to do it at the expense of someone you've been building up since the beginning of the year? This show had some really questionable booking of their faces. I'm not normally one to really get pissed off at something like that, but that was fucking stupid. A show with some pretty good wrestling book-ended by two incredibly fucking stupid booking moves.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
CM Punk took the ham this week with his "MINE'S BIGGER!" promo.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk