IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 4-8-13
By Al Laiman
Apr 9, 2013 - 11:44:58 PM
credit Tom Jenner
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It figures that I pick the one RAW that everyone's talking about to watch a day later. I've been texted massively about how awesome this crowd is, so my expectations are sky-high. I've tried extremely hard to not get spoiled, but I have seen a few things. I'll do my best to not let that show through.
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 4-8-2013
1. Let's get to tonight's RAW with the crowd that is supposedly going to retire the Ham Award. I'm pretty psyched to see the crowd that outdoes even last year's Miami post-WrestleMania RAW crowd. Remember when pyro opened up Monday Night RAW? We see a bunch of still images with the Diddy sampling the Rocky music over it. Don't worry though, I'm sure they'll remind us plenty of times that WrestleMania happened. John Cena's music hits, and this crowd isn't going to be much friendlier to the once-again WWE champion. Hey, that arrow on that t-shirt is pointing down toward some inappropriate places. There are children watching, John! JBL warns us to expect a partisan crowd. Understatement of the century. John Cena talks about how it should be every superstar's dream to win the main event at WrestleMania, and if anyone should talk about it, it's him... you know, since he's never done it before. Cena at least looks like he's having fun with the crowd mostly against him, even trying to summon cheers a few times, but it's futile. To his credit, he plays into every reaction he gets. He starts doing a championship dance just to fan the flames a little bit, and then throws in an inside jab with a "heel turn" by dancing while turning his literal heel. Oh, this is fun.
2. Cena then explains that this is exactly what he wanted for a post-WrestleMania celebration, and he'll be fighting tonight for the belt. Dolph Ziggler and CM Punk's names get huge pops as possible opponents before Mark Henry's music hits to a rather decent pop of his own. Then again, someone in a Red Sox jersey could probably get a pop from this crowd if he was fighting Cena. A "HEN-RY!" chant rings out, and I can't say I've ever heard that before. Cena does his best to look afraid, which is a challenge given how many times he's already overcome that one. Cena mocks the "Sexual Chocolate" chant, and damn I'm having a fun time both watching the crowd and watching Cena react to it.
3. After Cena accepts Mark Henry's challenge for a WWE Title match, Booker T comes out to say that he won't let the champion make title matches. Well that's a new rule in professional wrestling, isn't it? Booker says The Rock is the number one contender, and Cena laughs and says "Once in a Lifetime: Best out of Three." Oh Cena, you're actually doing something different tonight. Please, this more often. Booker then explains that Henry can get his shot at the belt if he beats John Cena tonight. Mark Henry is clearly not impressed with Booker's paisley tie, and says that he'll be inducted into the Hall of Pain tonight. That makes sense. We have a number one contender, but if some other guy beats him, he's the number one contender? I guess that's the movie star clause.
4. I hear some Wagner, which means this crowd is about to go insane. Michael Cole feels this is the best time to read a Tweet. Dolph Ziggler's music also gets a pretty big reaction, but since he's facing Arsenio Langston, the "partisan" crowd won't have an aneurysm figuring out for whom to cheer. Bryan wastes no time in trying to get the offensive advantage, but gets thrown back hard by the bigger Langston. Because we haven't had enough Tweets, the Twitter ticker plays over some badass Daniel Bryan kicks. The crowd is loving every second of it. Bryan tries to go up top, but gets straddled. Kane goes after Dolph, but Bryan gets tossed into him. Bryan gets thrown back in the ring, Langston hits his finisher, and what a shame to see him go down so quickly in front of a crowd that clearly adores the guy. Lawler says that it was one of the most impressive debuts he's ever seen on RAW. Sure... Chris Jericho, Brock Lesnar... Big E. Langston.
5. We cut to a show plug with Kurt Warner or something... Skip. Move trailers aren't enough, eh? After the commercial break that follows the commercial within the show, Wade Barrett gets the jobber entrance for the rematch against the new Intercontinental Champion, The Miz. Hustle's loving this, I'm sure. The crowd is firmly in Wade Barrett's corner, which is rarely said outside of the United Kingdom. These two are working quite well together, so it's a shame the title for which they're fighting has been reduced to an anecdote. I'm sure Hustle made a .gif of Barrett hauling off and just punching Miz right in the fuck. Barrett gets tossed to the outside of the ring, and then follows up with two high spots... Wait, what is this? Outside things usually lead to a commercial break, and this did not! What are these shenanigans... Giving us two matches uninterrupted by the same eight advertisements we always see. Barrett comes back and neckdrops Miz off the apron to a huge reaction and... Fuck, they got my hopes up. I knew it was too good to be true!
6. We come back to Miz walking into a Black Hole Slam, and we then get a replay of what we just saw before going to a commercial. Barrett throws Miz out of the ring and does an elbow drop off the apron. That's new! More fucking Twitter ticker during the hope spot, and it stays on for a long damn time. At least this is on the RAW show. Having it on WrestleMania was twelve different kinds of fucking pathetic. Miz gets the momentum back and summons a bit of his old heel mindset, and Barrett falls out of the second part of the neckbreaker. That, or Miz let him slip. Either way, yes it was a botched move, but they did what they should and kept going. I think I saw blood in Barrett's mouth though.
7. Miz gets a near-fall off another top-rope axe handle, and tries to set up for the Figure Four. Barrett counters, but Miz comes back with his angled DDT for another close fall on the bloodied Brit. I think Barrett almost tries to go for the GTS, but Miz counters it and sets up the Figure Four successfully this time. He gets to the ropes, to a thunderous reaction. Miz goes after him, and takes a huge boot to the face. Isn't it a shame an Intercontinental title match didn't get this kind of time on the WrestleMania pre-show, instead of giving us four minutes of match and fifty-five minutes of video packages we've already seen? Barrett comes back, pushes Miz off the top, and hits his finisher to... Get the win? Great match, huge reaction, but... they took the title off him for one night... why? I don't have a problem with it; it's just surprising.
8. Lobsterhead barges in on Brad Maddox and Vickie, demanding a match with the Big Show. Maddox does the worst mafia offer I've ever seen, saying that he'll owe them one if they get it. Meanwhile, Chester A. Arthur and Biff are teaming up to take on ADR later tonight. Joy. After the commercial, we see more images to the same music we saw earlier, skip. If I ever have to hear that frakking rapping toaster ruin the Rocky music again, I'm throwing a brick through the TV. Meanwhile, Randy Orton approaches Booker T backstage, trying to pretend that he's not always a complete douche to everyone, and he asks Booker for a chance to right the wrong of trusting Big Show. Orton tries to play to his inner Teddy Long and talk him into overruling Vickie, and he does. Interesting, so champions can't accept challenges, and the GM of a different show can override a managing supervisor now. I'm learning so much.
9. Chester A. Arthur comes out and gives an "I told you so" to the crowd before asking for their support, because he compares his service in Vietnam to fighting in a handicap wrestling match. He then follows up by saying that the country is heading toward both tyranny and anarchy. Um... Those are not synonyms, sir. Tyranny is an overreaching powerful government, anarchy is the lack of one at all. You can't be heading toward both at the same time. Chester then gets a U-S-A chant started while we go into another commercial. We then get a replay of the Cena/Henry promo, skip.
10. It appears this crowd is allowed to like a few faces, or at least they just enjoy singing along with Ricardo Rodriguez. We then get more images from WrestleMania... Fuck was that last night?! They should've promoted it a little bit! The match has been going on for about eight seconds and the crowd is already chanting for Ziggler. Hell, I was begging for it during the WrestleMania match. What a moment that would be for him; to win in front of a crowd like this. ADR dives to the outside, sending Biff into the announce table, and the fight continues on the outside for a few seconds. A cross-body gets him a near-fall.
11. The distraction from Chester allows Swagger to start working the ankle while Cole actually believes that the crowd has been brainwashed by Zeb Colter. This gives JBL a chance to get into a little HAM of his own while... ANOTHER FUCKING TWITTER TICKER GOES ACROSS THE SCREEN! Pretty soon it'll be like the scores on ESPN and it'll just never shut off. Go fuck yourselves, you social media whores. It keeps getting more ridiculous. While I was distracted by sheer annoyance, Biff gets Swagger in the Ankle Lock. ADR gets out, and then follows up with his armbar version of the Tarantula before getting knocked to the outside barrier. Someone's on the outside, better go to another commercial!
12. We come back as Cole shows a replay, saying it was exclusively on the WWE App. Well, apparently not... Swagger charges the corner as slowly as possible and misses while ADR tries to get the comeback. He does a tilt-o-whirl on his worked leg, which wasn't one of his better decisions. A kick in the face later, and Swagger barely kicks out. Swagger works the ankle lock again, but ADR comes back with his cross-armbreaker as a skinny Hulk Hogan with a lot of hair in the crowd gasps at the possibilities. ADR wins without Zeb tagging into the match at all, so... Yeah, thank JBL they made it a handicap match. ADR sells the knee hard and is in pain in the corner.
13. I'M HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD! I'M HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD! HOLY SHIT WHAT AN OVATION! Dolph finally hits the ring to cash in the Money in the Bank, and the crowd is going apeshit! Del Rio tries hard to stand up, and Ziggler attacks immediately. Ziggler goes for the Fame-Asser, but ADR gets out of it. Ziggler eats the turnbuckle on an attempted splash, and ADR comes back with an enziguiri. He gets out at a long two, to the delight of the crowd, but then he locks in the Cross-Armbreaker. Ziggler uses some (gasp) psychology, and grabs the injured leg to break out of it. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag, and gets the win! New champion! Finally! Cole says that he's done what everyone else has and won after cashing in. I guess we're forgetting about Cena's loss, because we don't want to diminish his legacy.
14. The familiar gong goes off in the arena, and the Deadman is making his triumphant return to RAW with the Streak intact. ShredderTaker emerges through the ocean of dark blue lights with the fire to guide him, and steps into the ring. More images. Taker addresses the red-hot crowd, and says he dedicated the match to the memory of Paul Bearer. Before he can say anything else... Oh shit. The Shield hits the arena, and they're about to go to the next level here. Surprising that Kane's not out here for back-up. Holy pyro, Batman! Nevermind! Kane, with Daniel Bryan, hit the ring to even the odds, and there's an interesting full-circle look of angles. This is a match I would love to see.
15. More images to the Rocky music, skip. Replays, skip. Ziggler celebrates backstage, and you can tell from his promo that he's absolutely ecstatic. He's going to shine it up, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it right on his candy shoulder and show it off!
16. It appears we now have double-jobber entrance for... The Heel JOB Squad against the Face JOB Squad. I'm torn. Santino does... something, and tags out to Zack Ryder. Ryder is still insanely over here, which is a testament to his effort. Ryder gets spinebustered into the ring apron by McIntyre, and I'm guessing TROOF is being set up to be the hot tag here, since he's the only one I can remember winning a match this year. Guess what? The TwitterTicker is back again. Ugh. Santino does his hip toss thing, so I'm guessing he's about to set up the Cobra. I wonder if he can get Santino'd, even against the JOB Squad. McIntyre goes for the distraction, but Santino hits the Cobra anyway, and they win. Well, one of those teams had to. Self-fellatio videos about WrestleMania weekend, skip.
17. Sheamus and Randy Orton are arguing backstage about who gets to challenge the Big Show. Sheamus says that he has it, and Orton looks like a kicked puppy. After another commercial, we get an interview with Big Show, where he claims that they turned on him. We're basically back to the same heel Big Show promo since he signed his IRONCLAD CONTRACT!
18. IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTERHEAD! GREAT BIG GOPS OF GREASY GRIMY GOPHER GUTS, HOAK HOGAN! HOW ABOUT A NICE COOL DRINK, VARMINTS! SCUM! SLIME! DISGRACE TO THE WRESTLING INDUSTRY! I HAVE TO THINK LIKE A HOGAN AND DO WHATEVER POSSIBLE TO LOOK LIKE ONE, HOAK HOGAN! WHETHER IT TAKES SUMMONING THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT OR BLOWING UP CLAY VERSIONS OF YOU, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT DANNY NOONAN MAKES TED KNIGHT OWE 80 LARGE, BROTHER! HEY EVERYONE, WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID... UNLESS YOU'RE QUEERIN', HOAK HOGAN! I'M ALL RIGHT, DON'T NOBODY WORRY ABOUT ME!
19. After Sheamus pleads his case, Randy Orton comes out to talk some more, because that's always a delight. Orton asks the crowd who wants to see him kick the Big Show's ass, and... Oh joy, it's a RAWActive match, so they came out there just to get more Twitter stuff jammed in the show.
20. Randy Orton wins the vote by a pretty wide majority, but the GMs come out together and decide that they should face each other for the chance to face Big Show. So, in other words, we had the Twitter poll for absolutely nothing. Vote for who faces Big Show... Psych, they're facing each other. We just wanted to trend more, because our social media score is more important than the product itself now. Orton and Lobsterhead struggle and the ref finally pulls them apart. Orton takes a shoulder block, and listens to the crowd sing "OLE!" I guess they're hoping El Generico is going to debut tonight.
21. The crowd chants... something at Sheamus, I can't quite pick it up, and Orton hits some uppercuts before they end up trading more stiff shots. JBL continues defending the actions of the Big Show and says that all hell is going to break loose. The crowd is not impressed with this match, as they do their best to make this face-vs-face contest interesting. Hoak Hogan back there is desperate to get seen on television reaching, and then the guy next to him poses. I wonder if they're aware that nobody gives a shit.
22. Interesting, now an "R-V-D!" chant breaks out. Either they're expecting him, or they're really that bored. The announcers try to pretend that they don't know what they're chanting. Oh damn, now they're chanting "J-B-L!" because he's still an employee of the company so they're allowed to acknowledge that. That was pretty awesome though. Sheamus comes off the top, but Orton dropkicks his face in. Because they're now chanting Cole's name, that's a great reason to... take a commercial break. I agree, this crowd freaking rules.
23. Now we're on to "E-C-Dub!" and JBL laughs at Lawler thinking they'll run out of chants. Sheamus gets one of his eighty-seven trademark moves for a near-fall and the crowd does the wave. They all break character to acknowledge how awesome it is. Sheamus sets up for the Blair Witch Forearm Chops, and fortunately they only give me motion sickness for half the time. "Randy Savage" is up now, as Orton just stares death at everyone. They talk about the voices in Orton's head, and it sounds like even they're mocking him at this point. Hey, it's been about ten minutes, how about another fucking Twitter ticker! Usually they only do one or two a show, but there has seriously been one every match. Sheamus hits White Noise as the crowd chants for Shawn Michaels, and sets up for the Brogue Kick. He misses and goes over the top.
24. Big Show's music hits the arena as Sheamus tries getting to his feet. He throws Sheamus into the ringpost and gets in the ring with a fallen Orton. The crowd chants "Thank You, Big Show" I assume for ending the match, and Big Show punches out Orton. Show drags Orton a few feet, and then gets out of the ring and tosses him into the barricade. He then hits the GORE! GORE! GORE! in front of the announce table, and I'm sorry, but that did not merit a "Holy Shit" chant. Then they chant that they are awesome, so it's good that they have high self-esteem. He tries to throw the announcer's chairs into the ring, and the crowd is more amused by Show failing at doing that than they were in the match. The crowd then boos, not because he beat Orton to shit, but because he didn't throw the third chair.
25. More replays, skip. Now it's time for Fandango, and he gets himself caught in his own set for a minute. Of course, we have to get images, because some show happened recently and he was on it. He is definitely in contention for hammiest entrance, and Cole acts like it's the first time we've seen the candled stencil dancer. He's facing Kofi Kingston, and... Wait a minute, I think the crowd is singing Fandango's entrance theme. Holy shit, is this guy over here.
26. Kofi starts to get some offense in, but Fandango comes back. Suddenly, Jericho hits the ring and breaks up the match. A brawl ensues, and now I don't think they know what to do. At least he actually wrestled for a few seconds this time. Jericho takes a turn throwing things all over the table, and even Cole acknowledges that they need a barricade of their own. Jericho messes with JBL's hat... Jericho, your arms are just too short to box with JBL, don't go there.
27. The post-match fight is going on much longer than the match did, and Fandango taps out in the Walls of Jericho. The officials hit the ring to try to break it up, but he makes sure to nail a Codebreaker before he leaves. Fandango still manages to correct his name, and the crowd keeps dancing along with the entire theme. Is this the "YES! YES! YES!" of this year? More video packages, skip. Paul Heyman is interviewing on screen, and says that he got knocked out 90 seconds into the match and still managed to last 20 minutes. That is damn impressive, if that's the case. The crowd chants along with the awesome way he says "BRRRRRROCK LLLLLESNAR!" He then teases that Punk's going to tell them what he thinks of the WrestleMania match... next week. Oh Punk, you silly bitch.
28. Finally, the WrestleMania main event, as Team Ham Scholars come out with their female companions before my sister's favorite tag team, and hey, they're dressed in my zoot suit and spats! I protest! We go to another commercial, and as we come back, Sweet AT&T is wrestling by himself? That is something that would've been fun to see on TV. Sandow tries to rush through it as quickly as he can, because Mark Henry still has to walk to the ring later. The crowd is still singing Fandango's entrance theme, wow! Sandow gets trapped in an unfortunate place between the two of them, and Brodus and T win the main event at WrestleMania. I think there were Divas in it too, but unfortunately Sandow continues to be wasted in this. Oh, we better plug Kurt Warner's show again! We get another preview of it before the show comes back on, skip. More Rocky ripoff, skip.
29. Mark Henry's coming out, better start singing Fandango's theme. They'll have to take time out to boo Cena though, and I expect that to be deafening. Yep, that's exactly how that shit's going down too! Cause, you know, THAT'S WHAT HE DOES! The usual things you'd expect from a Cena/Henry match take place, but I'm just amused by the reaction. The announce table gets taken apart again, as the lack of a Spanish Announce Table is most inconvenient. The match ends in a countout, but Henry attacks after the match. I guess this will be the title match at Extreme Rules. Think he has any chance whatsoever? Ryback then decides it's a good time to get revenge for Ryback beating him up after the match. Ryback disposes of Mizard, then turns his attention to John Cena. He helps Cena up, and then asks everyone to feed him more.
30. Ryback then decides it's a good time to get revenge for Ryback beating him up after the match. Ryback disposes of Mizard, then turns his attention to John Cena. He helps Cena up, and then asks everyone to feed him more. Ryback then turns on John Cena, in what should be constituted as a heel turn, but it sounds like a huge face reaction to me. Triple threat, coming up. The show itself was pretty good, but the crowd was freaking incredible. What an entertaining night.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
Do you even have to ask?
2012 - Daniel Bryan
1-7-13 - John Cena
1-14-13 - Dr. Shelby
1-21-13 - Anger Management
1-27-13 - Kofi Kingston
1-28-13 - Tensai
2-4-13 - Brad Maddox
2-11-13 - The Shield
2-18-13 - Damien Sandow
2-25-13 - Daniel Bryan
3-4-13 - Fandango
3-11-13 - Rhodes Scholars
3-18-13 - Rufus "Pancake" Patterson
3-25-13 - Mark Henry
3-26-13 - Antonio Cesaro
4-1-13 - Ryback
4-7-13 - Paul Heyman
4-8-13 - The Izod Center crowd
IN CASE YOU MISSED JADED HOPE #107