IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts About... RAW 2-6-12
1. As RAW begins with a recap video, there's actually a voiceover making us question what the Cerebral Assassin will do. I guess because we're now too stupid to figure that out from the context of the recaps. Thanks WWE, for dumbing it down for us yet again.
2. As Triple H was coming out and they panned to the crowd signs, I couldn't help but laugh about HHH also standing for Happy Harry Hardon. Bonus points to anyone who gets that reference.
3. Triple H runs John Laurinaitis down verbally, which would probably be a lot more exciting if it wasn't so similar to Punk's recent beratings in the same general context. I guess with Punk moving on to Jericho and the title scene, someone has to step in to remind us who the villain is.
4. Triple H quotes the "what is dead may die" poem about the Undertaker, and I can't help but think that he's confusing the Undertaker with Cthulu. Not bad for the first ten minutes, reminding me of different silly references.
5. I really enjoyed the Undertaker response promo, even if someone was late on the cue of hitting it. Three video vignettes after the recap video to begin the show seems a bit excessive though.
6. I guess Michael Cole didn't get the memo that Daniel Bryan is a heel now. He's making the face commentator Jerry Lawler defend the heel, making the announcement team incredibly awkward whenever they're out. Please just get Scott Stanford and CM Punk on commentary already.
7. I'm loving how Daniel Bryan keeps finding new ways to be a sly little bastard. With the AmDrag ring jacket on, I'm truly hoping for a full recreation of the American Dragon persona. He's doing a great job of getting people to hate him, so at least Cole is unintentionally aiding in getting him over.
8. Did they just do an awful remix of "Barbie Girl" for the Wrestlemania 28 hype video? That ear sodomy made a Vickie Guerrero promo seem bearable by comparison.
9. Look! NASCAR on RAW! Incredibly forced acting! While it's a cross-promotion that I definitely don't get, I have a feeling that a good majority of the rest of the casual audience might. Good promotion, but mostly just a spot for Cena on the show.
10. Another promo video? Really? Where's the guy who times how much in-ring wrestling there is in a show? Time how much is filled up with video, please.
11. However, this particular hype video for the Elimination Chamber does make me realize that I miss hearing Bischoff's voice in the promo. "The ELIMINATION CHAMBER!" Say what you want about him, but he was a good influence on that match. What are we gonna add now? John Laurinaitis saying "The Elimination Pay-Per-View?"
12. David Otunga, please just do the Carlton dance already.
13. As if I didn't hate Otunga enough already, he Tebowed in the middle of the ring. Just what I was hoping for; my break from that media hype interrupted in my eight months away from it.
14. I like Sheamus's current gimmick of just kicking people in the face. I feel like a Dr. Demento "BOOT TO THE HEAD" should accompany them. Damn, I'm really mixing in the pop cultural references today. Subpar episodes tend to make me reach for more interesting comparisons.
15. Does Chris Jericho invade countries to get all that oil on his chest? It reminds me of the time my friend Chris and I were backstage with AJ Styles and Chris threatened to take a picture of AJ oiling up, to which AJ threatened Chris's well-being. He listened.
16. Oh wonderful, Nickelback is providing the song for the Elimination Chamber. As if hearing one of their songs a week wasn't enough... Wow, this episode is even making me negative, make some good things happen!
17. I absolutely love Jericho's vocabulary. He uses words that I forget that I knew, and others that people have to Google. I appreciate that.
18. As Jericho is calling everybody a wannabe, maybe the Spice Girls are cueing up for a spot performance.
19. Okay, some of those comparisons make a lot of sense. Miz (And Jack Swagger) in their suit-wearing, monotoned promos were very reminiscent of Jericho, and it would've been surprising to hear about his view on that if he hadn't already said those things for the last two years.
20. But comparing "what's up" to "shut the hell up?" A bit of a stretch.
21. Kofi's aerial arsenal to his? Not only would I categorize them as different wrestlers, but Jericho certainly didn't invent the aerial wrestler. That's an even bigger stretch.
22. Okay, comparing Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero to him walking to the ring with Stephanie McMahon at Wrestlemania 18? Can I get a Miz "REALLY?!" Taking credit for having a female valet? Come on Jericho, I love your promos but this is ridiculous. What was Miss Elizabeth? A mirage?
23. CM Punk comes out and proceeds to "Jericho" Jericho. While I look forward to that verbal sparring, that was nice.
24. Time for a Smackdown tag team match involving Randy Orton, and we're talking about, what else? Wade Barrett in a skybox! You know, in case we missed it. Wade Barrett in a skybox that is. How much did he pay for that skybox? You know, the one in which Wade Barrett watched that match. SKYBOX!
25. Khali chopping the shit out of Orton marks the first time I've smiled at one of his matches in... ever.
26. I DON'T CARE WHAT JOHN CENA AND THE ROCK ARE SAYING ON TWITTER! I'd rather watch them file their taxes than this shit!
27. As the four-interchangable-face-diva team wins, the camera pans to the most apathetic crowd ever captured by RAW cameras. I'm pretty sure I saw yawns. Just give us Beth Phoenix vs. Awesome Kharma already.
28. In the ever-changing subtle world of Monday Night RAW, in case you missed it, we get to see the entire Undertaker vignette again. Somehow it loses its awesomeness after the second complete viewing in one show. Throw in 87 other promo videos, and now it's downright obnoxious.
29. The six-pack challenge was a mixed back, although I loved the Muhammad Hassan-Royal Rumble 2005 moment where they all immediately ganged up on Jericho. It was smart of them to build the Jericho/Punk tension without actually allowing the face-off. However, I would be shocked if R-Truth didn't have a concussion after Miz failed to catch him. Miz checking on him as he curled up near the ring apron is never a good sign.
30. The show ends with Kane doing his best Heidenreich impression as Eve plays the Michael Cole role. That was a little too "bad touch" for me.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
1-9-12 - R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
Triple H was really the only contender this week, as his over-the-top backstage moment with John Laurinaitis was about as hammy as I've ever seen him... in a serious role, that is. DX notwithstanding.
So while I am an eternal optimist, this episode was so bad that even I was getting annoyed by it. Between more Nickelback, excessive vignettes, and downright obnoxiousness, at least RAW next week has only one way to go... I hope.
