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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 12-3-12
By Al Laiman
Dec 3, 2012 - 11:46:24 PM



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WATCH EPISODE #92 OF JADED HOPE HERE!



IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 1020 - 12-3-12

1. Greetings and salutations! We're coming close to the end of the year, so you know what that means... The Hammys are coming up! Submit your nominations for Overall Largest Ham of the Year, Hammiest Moment of the Year, Hammiest Diva of the Year, Hammiest Moment in a Match, and Hammiest Laiman Outrage (user submitted category). Post them on the ILT Facebook page or email them to me. I will likely miss one or two episodes during the holiday season, but I assure you the Hammy Awards will be posted before the end of the year. What else can I say, but...

Skipping the Unsolved Mysteries intro... And the show is immediately awesome. Anger Management kicks off RAW with fiery pillars of doom, and they appear to have taken the next step in their tag-team development; unifying against a common enemy. Kane gets on the mic and challenges Nick Fury's band of Big Bossman cosplayers to come to the ring. The Prime Time Players come out to a rousing round of silence, as more focus is given to Shield and their Wade Barrett view of the show. Cole calls Ambrose "Daniel Ambrose,' I'm guessing because he's nostalgic for Mike Adamle. The two continue talking about Shield while some decent tag team action takes place. Remembering that Kane is in this match, they announce that Kane is in his 899th RAW match, which is absolutely incredible. But hey, in case you didn't know, The Shield were in a skybox. Did you get that? JBL, where's Wade Barrett when you need him? He'll rent out that skybox to anyone, won't he?

2. Shield closely move toward the ring, because they were in a skybox, in case you didn't know that. The crowd chants for... Cena? Oooookay, Greensboro... Once the commercial comes back, Titus is barking as the commentators continue talking about Shield. Okay, we get it, they're watching the match. Bryan gets the hot tag for a change and brings the crowd alive as he gets a shine. Darren Young keeps getting better in the ring, and they're finally at least trying to play to the crowd, which they DESPERATELY have needed to do. Bryan gets in the NO! Lock, Titus breaks it up, but Kane tosses him out and guards against Shield. Darren goes for the upset, but Bryan reverses the roll-up and gets the win.

3. Shield immediately attacks, wisely putting two on Kane and traps his arm in the steel steps. Bryan tries to fight back against Rollins, but it doesn't go well for him. They hit their triple powerbomb on Danielson, and Shield continues to look like a force with which to be reckoned. I guess Ryback wasn't hungry this time? Kane looks genuinely concerned, though fortunately he doesn't cry out like a wounded dog like after X-Pac was savagely beaten by Undertaker.

4. Cena and Lobsterhead are backstage, and Sheamus goes on an angry...

Hammy rant, as we establish that Cena and Sheamus will face Big Show and Dolph Ziggler. After that, we're given something much more interesting, as AJ is walking toward the ring. Who cares that it means a Diva's match? AJ in her wrestling outfit is never a bad thing.

5. Tamina gets the jobber entrance, and AJ shows no fear going right after her much larger opponent. They call Tamina the most powerful Diva on the roster, only because they've gotten rid of all the other talented ones, and she gets dominant after a small burst of AJ offense. Tamina throws a really sick-looking spine submission, but throws her off because... That makes sense I guess. AJ gets a small hope spot but Tamina goes right back on the offensive. I think I should let you in on a little-known secret... Tamina is Superfly's daughter, just so you know. I thought I'd inform you, since they've never told you before. You'd think they'd remember details like that.

6. And in an unprecedented turn of events, something that has never happened in the history of anything takes place... A smaller Diva is dominated by a power Diva for a good amount of the match, but suddenly she throws a roll-up and gets a surprise victory! Try to contain your excitement, because you may want to mark RAW 1020 on your calendars! They released the Top WWE Moments FAR TOO EARLY! We've witnessed history here tonight! Eat your heart out, Moolah!

7. CM Punk makes his way to the ring before a commercial break takes place. I'll take that over the middle of the match any day. Heyman starts off talking about the WWE Encyclopedia, conveniently using a bunch of adjectives to plug it, but is sure to change his tune because he has to be a heel about it. Heyman announces that his reign is about to surpass Cena's reign as the longest of the modern era, clarifying that by saying it's the longest in a quarter century, which he repeats as 25 years just in case you didn't know how many that was.

8. Punk takes the mic and describes himself being on the top of WWE's Mt. Rushmore, despite Mt. Rushmore being four guys next to each other, and once again summarizes his recent accolades to the adoring heat of the Greensboro faithful. Punk blames unemployment and marriages for the reason that his title reign isn't respected and he has to face Ryback at TLC. Punk continues ranting on and on about how awesome he is, daring everyone else to change the channel and leave to prove they're there to see him, when conveniently and ironically enough...

9. The Miz finally cements his face status by cutting off CM Punk, calling him out on all the conspiracy theories. Miz's disposition hasn't changed much, and he makes a great point about having the guts to admit what he is, which garners him even more face heat. Miz and Punk have a fun little exchange while challenging each other. Miz however dares him to come on MizTV so that... he can give him a lie-detector test? To quote the man speaking... REALLY? We have wiretapping, hidden cameras, and lie detectors now? What show am I watching again? Miz calls Heyman a "human walrus," which gets the chanting, and Punk does a great job as a heel exacerbating it. Miz wants Punk live on live MizTV live with a live mic live to be live at the live RAW live at 9pm live on live TV. Punk summons his inner Jack Nicholson...

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TROOF!" Punk accepts the challenge and this feud will compete with the AJ/Cena scandal to make our brainmeats ache.

10. John Cena is out for his match, and Michael Cole lets us know that he's making his debut on Saturday Morning Slam. Lawler reiterates that he'll be on SMS for the first time ever, which is awfully nice of him, since I guessed he'd be making his debut for the third time ever. This should be a good match, at least when Big Show isn't on offense. They're really emphasizing that this Pay-Per-View is in Brooklyn. I suppose that's a big enough city to be allowed mention. For those who were worried that Ziggler was completely buried in the first Cena/Ziggles match, this is a good chance for him to gain back a bit of momentum.

11. Big Show tags in, and the interest in the match plummets like the Charisma level in the building when Alberto Del Rio does... anything. It must be the top of the hour, because Cole is recapping the entire last hour of the show. It's a good time to do it, since Big Show is making sure to walk as slow as possible and yell at people in between incredibly slow offense. Do one move, talk and walk around, do another move, stand, smirk, walk even slower, and finally miss on the third move. Cena tries to body slam the Big Show, but lets him fall on him, since we all know he's never done that before. Ziggles comes back in and does his Exponential Elbows, but quickly eats the cutoff. Lobsterhead gets a hot tag, but gets cut off by the Big Show reversing his fortune, which of course leads into a commercial as Cena sells on the outside.

12. WWE is kind and spares us most of the Big Show offense, as Lobsterhead appears to be coming back after some cheap heat, but Show does a Rikishi kick before tagging in Ziggles. He eats the cutoff for the second time in the match and Cena comes in house of fire with a few shoulder blocks. Ziggler still hasn't learned to not go for a clothesline after that. Big Show comes in to break things up, and Sheamus lifts him up for the Michael Keaton Hears Voices in Static while Cena gets the AA at the same time, and... Ziggles loses cleanly again. That will not please some people. Still a fun match, but Cena is dominating this rivalry so far.

13. A Tribute to the Troops promo airs, as Miss Piggy talks to... ugh... Flo Rida. Wow, Flo Rida and Kid Rock on the same show? How nice of them to make sure I don't watch that show. Things turn back the other way when the reigning champion of Ham has a mic for the second week in a row.

Sandow offers an opportunity for apprenticeship, which I'm sure will go wonderfully for the participant. Ted DiBiase would be so proud. Sandow turns up the ham as he insults everyone at ringside, and even moreso when he corrects the plant's posture. Sandow's commentary is even more hilarious than the easy first two questions he asks. The third one is a question about John Keats, and Sandow suggests exile for getting it wrong. This is fantastic.

14. Santino Marella cuts off Sandow's awesomeness, and I guess he's up for job duty tonight. Santino stumbles through his accent and a Sally Seashells question. He continues the ham as Santino tries to match it, but gets punched in the face for his trouble. Right as it looks like Santino is challenging him to a match, they go to an abrupt commercial. Odd timing...

15. We come back in the middle of the match, just in time for Cole to of course clarify both translations of the Elbow of Disdain. Santino starts to make the comeback, and pulls out the Cobra, so he's obviously a goner. Santino hangs Sandow on the ropes, and fails with a Voldemort dive. In a moment that surprises no one, that leads to Sandow hitting his finisher and getting the win, complete with another strong case for ham.

16. Backstage, even Vickie is losing hope in Ziggles, but he requests a match with Cena at TLC, which if he doesn't win they've completely wasted this angle. Someone else walks into Vickie's office, and it's Brad Maddox in his best Rick Santorum outfit, out to make sure nobody will forget his name before another abrupt commercial. Once it comes back, Vickie is haranguing him about Hell in a Cell while he quite humorously tries to placate her ego for a contract. Maddox may not be able to wrestle with the best yet, but he can certainly cut a slice of ham with the best of them.

Maddox will have a match against an unnamed opponent, which she promises will be "great TV." I'm sure nothing will go wrong for the kid whatsoever.

17. Sin Cara is in the middle of his entrance, and he'll be facing the Black Hole of Charisma himself, who lost to John Cena recently so I'm sure he's once again finding a more aggressive streak. Del Rio uses the aggression to his advantage, but Sin Cara hangs in there with him. Cara hits a flying headscissors to the outside, and Del Rio nearly lands on his neck selling it as we go into another mid-match commercial.

18. Surprisingly enough, Sin Cara is still in control when we come back, and continues getting in some good offense. A high-risk move proves to be the cutoff, as Cara gets launched into the barricade by Del Rio this time. Del Rio goes back on the offensive and gets a sick near-fall with a Voldemort Suplex. Del Rio conveniently runs into the corner with no intention whatsoever to give Sin Cara the chance to come back, and he hits a Tornado DDT that looks like a real delivered move. Damn!

19. He almost botches the Tajiri elbow, but recovers well and keeps hitting Del Rio with some impressive offense. A high cross-body gets a near fall, which spells doom for the luchador. Cara follows up with a move that I think the Ultimo Dragon used to do, but misses the Swanton, and predictably walks right into the Cross Armbreaker. Great performance by Sin Cara, and a great match despite the predictable result.

20. Vickie Guerrero is announced as the "managing supervisor of Monday Night RAW," though they have yet to clarify what the hell that is, and McMahon power-walks his way out. I guess that's why Santino didn't do his own. Hopefully he isn't out to put her on the spot with an unplanned script change again, because that was just awkward for everyone.

21. McMahon starts to question Vickie's booking for TLC, and I really hope they're not heading in that direction. At least he agrees that Cena vs. Ziggler is a good match, but it looks like he's putting her on the spot for the stipulation this time. Vickie announces that it's a ladder match, and Vince appears to be pushing for the Money in the Bank briefcase on the line in the match. Vickie's defense is that Cena could win everything and Ziggler could lose everything... Which is usually what happens in a match.

22. Vince then scrutinizes Vickie for the AJ/John Cena scandal... Wait a minute here. Didn't Vince ask AJ to resign as General Manager over the supposed Cena affair? Didn't Vince put Vickie as the managing supervisor because AJ was relieved of command? Didn't Vince create this entire situation in the first place because of the situation for which he is now criticizing her for mishandling and overreacting? Just when I thought that storyline couldn't make any less sense, they go and do something like that. WHAT IN THE FLYING VAGINA SQUIRREL IS GOING ON!? This went from being incredibly stupid to being on a level of stupidity normally reserved for stuttering idiots on MTV shows. John Bradshaw Layfield, they're still going. Vince is still talking this poor girl through this promo, and it's very reminiscent of being made up on the fly. I'm guessing that if Punk is found to be lying, then Ryback will face Paul Heyman, because wrestlers vs. manager matches are always electrifying, but I still can't get over the illogical twatstain the scandal angle has become.

23. This will cheer you up, though it's completely non-wrestling related... Meet my guest co-host for Jaded Hope #95 coming up in a few weeks.



24. Brad Maddox gets a Titan Tron logo, but still has no entrance music. I guess he's Colin Delaney, the new generation, because he wants to be famous. Shame Biker Taker isn't still around. His opponent is... Randy Orton. Maddox is so upset that he takes his jacket off, to put it back on, just to take it off again, and I'm thinking this won't last very long. I didn't realize squash matches with obvious results were considered Great TV. Brad Maddox seems to have the same game plan that he had against Ryback, which is crawl away and not even try any offensive moves. Orton hits all of his trademark moves with no resistance whatsoever.

25. Shield suddenly jumps in the ring, which their motives could be justified in this sense as they'd probably defend Maddox. Man these guys are getting a strong debut push, aren't they? Orton is the second guy to eat the Triple Powerbomb tonight, and Ryback is still lacking any desire for snacktime. I guess Anger Management isn't particularly interested in extracting revenge yet either. They must be saving the Face Gang mentality for the MizTV segment.

26. Backstage, Ziggler is pissed that his Money in the Bank briefcase is on the line for the second time since he won it. Ziggler drops the zinger by saying that while AJ was a powerhungry amateur, Vickie's becoming just like her. Next in line is Paul Heyman, who stares intently and... raises his eyebrow a bit. Vickie warns him that Punk better be telling the truth, for his sake, and he just walks away. A third knocker arrives, and it's John Cena with a Schaudenfreude-like grin on his face. Cena goes through a great amount of detail to thank her for the shot at once again becoming WWE... Champion. No wait, that's another guy. Vickie then pulls out her next piece of Whogivesashit Evidence, and brings out... BOW TIES! ZOMGZ! BOW TIES! Now it all adds up! Cena and AJ were obviously having an affair because she had BOW TIES IN HER LOCKER! As we all know, bow ties equal Monica Lewinsky dress proof!

27. Kofi Kingston comes out for a tag team match with the TROOF against Wade Barrett and Claudio. Yes, I know someone was upset that I call him Claudio last week, but I've been doing it since he debuted, and I've known him as that for over six years, and I'm not about to change it now. Teddy Long comes out, but it's already a tag match... So how can he Teddy Long it if it's already Teddy Longed? It's of course up to the WWE Universe and a chance for yet another commercial break. Gee, could it be the one that's held by a heel? It is! The match gets started, and the faces dispose of their respective heels before the faces face off with each other. Damn, these two need to wrestle more often. They actually do an Indy standoff before the heels come back in. Claudio hits the vicious European uppercut on Kofi this time, and that move never looks any less devastating. Well, an exciting match just had an awesome outside move, does this possibly mean another commercial? Oh, of course it fucking does!

28. The match comes back with Claudio in control, but TROOF comes in to break it up. A suplex from TROOF reveals a lot of upper deck tarped off, but the hot crowd is more than making up for it. Barrett is pissed that Shield stole his season tickets and is taking it out on the faces of the match. A huge suplex rope spot gets a big pop and a close fall before Claudio breaks up the fall and gets a close one of his own. Kofi gets his own face shine before setting up Trouble in Paradise. Unfortunately for him, Claudio pulls him out and tries for a finisher on Barrett. TROOF kicks him away instead, but gets the Barrett elbow. Kofi comes in for another close fall, but Claudio breaks it up again and hits the Cradle Styles Clash and gets the win. Great match, AWESOME final minute.

29. Fast-forwarding through the endless recaps until the Miz is finally in the ring with Generic McExtra and the lie detector test. Miz sets the scene, in case we didn't see all the previous replays. Miz starts to overemphasize every little syllable, and you know what that means...

Miz explains what a lie detector test is for the uninitiated, and Punk is really not impressed with Miz's microphone. Punk and Miz try to outslam each other, and Miz pulls off a "your mother" joke. Wow, can he get a HOO-RAH? Good JBL is he hamming it up. Punk finds a way to ham it up himself by making hilarious facial expressions and selling his frustration with Miz's questions. Punk is doing an amazing job of putting over Miz getting under his skin. He throws in one more Heyman walrus joke, coo coo ca choo.

30. Miz finally stops the jokes and gets angry and emphatic about Punk's coordination with Maddox and Shield. Before he can answer, Shield attacks Miz and the set. It's still weird seeing Miz on the receiving end of a heel beatdown. Miz is triple powerbomb number three. Anger Management finally makes their return and goes after them. They're still down three-two, so will Orton be evening the odds, or is someone hungry? Sure enough, Ryback finally has his appetite back. The faces are finally getting an advantage back. Ryback beats Ambrose out of the arena while Bryan and Rollins give a little ROH nostalgia. Kane and Reigns are the last to leave, and I wonder if Kane asked him if he's any relation to Luther. Punk gets back in the ring and kicks defenseless Miz out of the ring before posing. To his surprise, Ryback is back and Punk eats Shell Shocked yet again. Ryback gets a ladder and a chair and hits him with both of them. Gee, I wonder what the third thing he'll pull out will be. Oh look, it's a no-disqualification match! How did he manage to find a physical representation of such a thing in a convenient location like that? Of course, it's a table, and Punk goes through it to look strong, finally getting his revenge after several Shield attacks as the show goes off the air. While the storylines had some absolutely ridiculous moments, the match quality was one of the best in recent memory. If you didn't enjoy the wrestling tonight, I feel quite sorry for you. Even the squash matches were good.


DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?

Miz, Maddox, Heyman, and Sheamus all made valiant efforts, but for the second week in a row, Damien Sandow's awesomeness trumps it all.

1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
10-1-12 – Ricardo Rodriguez
10-8-12 - JR
10-15-12 - Kane
10-22-12 - Daniel Bryan
10-29-12 - 3MB
11-5-12 - John Cena
11-12-12 - Daniel Bryan
11-18-12 - AJ
11-19-12 - Paul Heyman
11-26-12 - Damien Sandow
12-3-12 - Damien Sandow

IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S EPISODE

  • IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Well, I Guess It's Just Us Now, Part II

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - 4-7-14

  • IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Well, I Guess It's Just Us Now

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman and The Doc - WrestleMania XXX Edition

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - 3-31-14

  • IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: Reflecting

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - 3-24-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - 3-17-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - 3-10-14

  • 30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - 3-3-14