IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 12-10-12
By Al Laiman
Dec 11, 2012 - 8:47:13 PM
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First of all, the Hammy Awards ballot, courtesy of Bryan Lesnar.
Ham of the Year Candidates:
Hammy Crowd moments:
-"CM Punk is not impressed" sign (8/27/12)
-"Lobsterhead" and "Too Many Limes" signs (11/5/12)
-The Brock Lesnar super-fan who always dances to Lesnar's music and once even got into a YES! NO! battle with the legendary Ham Danielson.
-THE ULTIMATE LOBSTERHEAD RANTS! P.S: Check out the rant on 7/9/12 ILT column and laugh your ass off.
-A sentence with "Alberto Del Rio" and "charisma" in it. Not to mention "newfound aggression".
-FUNK IS ON A ROLL.
-A description of Heel Big Show's offence.
-Wade Barret's Skybox
And now, for the main award: The Hammy Moment of the year.
-Daniel Bryan 'YES!sing' all around the ring after Randy Orton wins a match! (SmackDown 2/3/12)
-Laurinaitis trying to get Christian, Del Rio and Mark Henry to pose for a picture (Elimination Chamber 2/19/12)
-AJ frolicking around the ring in a Kane outfit! (RAW 6/18/12)
-Mae Young's grown up son introduces himself! (RAW 1000, 7/23/12)
-Ham King Daniel Bryan kicks Li'l Jimmy like a football out of the ring while Ham Legend TROOF has a seizure. This is followed up by white coats actually taking Bryan away instead of TROOF! (RAW 7/30/12)
-The Anger Management skits (ca. September 2012)
-Damien Sandow searches for an apprentice (SmackDown 11/30/12 and RAW 12/03/12)
-R-Truth's spider rant (2011)
-CM Punk's tribute to Big Johnny (Slammy Awards 2011)
-Slick goes on a roll (RAW 1000, 2012)
-Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho have a "NEEEEVER AGAIN! YES!" combo chant.(RAW 7/2/12)
-JR goes nuts simulating a McMahon victory (RAW 10/8/12)
-Paul Heyman wants "Balloons"!
All right, there's a big slice of HAM for everyone. Feel free to click this anytime I mention HAM, or put it in a separate window. Not to mention, feel free to click on the Jaded Hope links and support my Internet show!
If you weren't aware of the notice I posted on the ILT Facebook page (add it!), I had a Mass Media final today at 9am and thought it might be a good idea to postpone the column for a day so that I could get some studying done. Hopefully most of you didn't mind, so here we are, a day later, but with 30 Thoughts nonetheless. It was also posted on the ILT Facebook page that the early prediction for tonight's HAM would go to Damien Sandow for a third straight week. Time to find out! Enough with the preliminaries! Let's see what I missed last night.
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 1021 - 12-10-12
1. The show opens with Dolph Ziggler pulling a Chris Jericho by starting a promo from the ladder. Conveniently his shirt matches the briefcase, and that's fortunate because the aqua would clash with his old Spirit Squad uniform. The crowd is showing their brilliance by throwing out the "WHAT?!" chant, and Ziggles is pretty impressive in the few minutes he's given before Lobsterhead's music cuts him off.
2. A pretty hammy exchange between Ziggles and Sheamus starts it off before Sheamus informs him that he won't need to cash in on Big Show, because he'll be getting his title back, and that Ziggles will need to beat Cena in order for them to face each other. He makes the prediction that it'll be him against his friend Cena for the championship before another entrance theme cuts him off.
3. Big Show sums up his entire heel run with the opening of his promo by coming out and saying "blah blah blah blah boring." Show wants to slam Sheamus' list of adjectives face, but he'll lose his championship if he does. He also challenges Ziggles to try to cash in tonight after he's knocked out Cena. Show proclaims that he doesn't have a Christmas spirit... You know, because he's a heel and he's not allowed to have a personality... Cue additional Christmas song references from the face Sheamus... You know, because he's a face and everyone loves Christmas... Because Sheamus can't attack Big Show, he instead pushes Dolph Ziggler off the ladder to the floor. All right then.
4. A clip of Vince McMahon doing the power strut backstage is shown, and in a moment of sheer amazing observation, Lawler declares that McMahon might be coming out here. Dynamite drop-in, Lawler! That broadcast school has really paid off!
5. Coming back, Claudio and Kofi are at ringside while Wade Barrett gets the jobber entrance before Mr. McMahon's music hits. Instead of his usual power strut, he does something that looks like he's playing hopscotch before touting the awesomeness of the main event. Sorry, nothing involving this version of the Big Show deserves anything more than a resounding moment of muffled conversation. In the latest fad of McMahon booking, he tells Vickie what she should be booking in more uncomfortable improvising. She's coerced into booking Lobsterhead vs. Dolph Ziggler. McMahon suggests one more main event, and Vickie's great idea is to put AJ in a match. In a move that could be seen coming from the edge of a Wyoming skyline, Vince places Vickie herself on the other side of the match.
6. The TROOF is introduced by a confident Vince McMahon as Wade Barrett's opponent. The discussion going on is that Kofi and TROOF can, in fact, get down and dirty. Claudio and Kofi go back and forth, which is rather entertaining despite the match going on, and Barrett is showing strong offense. However, TROOF gets a surprise roll-up win, allowing Kofi to get in a high crossbody on the stunned Barrett. Wow, that was a lot going on in an incredibly condensed amount of time. It transpired like they just got word that Heidi would be coming on in two minutes.
7. AJ is backstage and talking like she just ate an entire package of Pixie Stix. After some indistinguishable gushing to Aksana and Kaitlyn, she runs into the locker room while other male wrestlers pretend to be embarrassed that a hot woman came in there, which makes one wonder... What was going on in there about which they should be embarrassed? Cena mouths "I'm sorry" to TROOF and... I think it was Gabriel. Definitely a slice of HAM right there.
8. Sweet, a four-way tag match where they can tag in anyone! I love these! Rhodes Scholars are the only ones who get a televised entrance, and they'll be facing the Prime Time Players, Primo and Epico, and the Uso's, because well... someone has to be the faces. Apparently the Uso's are winning a poll on WWE.com, which proves that it must be rigged because I don't think most people voting even knew they were still employed. A tag match is going on, so this is of course the perfect time to spend five minutes talking about AJ backstage. Oh yeah, the match going on. The Uso's get what has to be considered an upset win as they eliminate Primo and Epico from the match. I say this of course because while Primo and Epico lose most of their matches, they're on RAW a helluva lot more often than the Uso's are. This leads us into a commercial.
9. We come back from the commercial and... THEY ELIMINATED THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS DURING THE COMMERCIAL?! What in the Flying Blue Oyster Cult?! It's annoying when half of the match takes place during the commercial to make time for the WWE's self-fellatio about DVD sales and Twitter polls, but having pinfalls and eliminations taking place during the commercial break is beyond stupid. Think about this... The Uso's are a team that doesn't get featured very often, and they are the only face tag team in the entire match. They're obviously against the odds for that reason, not to mention that all three of these other teams are featured on a regular basis, regardless of their win-loss records. So in a rare moment, especially for them, not only do they eliminate two of the teams from the match, but you show it as a "Hey, here's what you missed while we made time for other stupid bullshit. You didn't tune in to see actual wrestling, did you?" It's stuff like this that takes away from the product, even when it seems they're heading in the right direction. SHOW THE FUCKING MATCHES!
10. I'm guessing Cody Rhodes starring in a 70's porn while rehabbing his injury, and since Damien Sandow is tagging in the match, Cole has to repeat the same exact shit that he does every single week about him. Intellectual savior of the masses, check. Elbow of Disdain both translations, check. The Uso's are well in control until Sandow throws up a nasty-looking counter with boots in the corner. The crowd even picks up on Cody's mustache, chanting for it emphatically. Eli Cottonwood would be proud. Cole informs me that Disdain is spelled with a T now... Kay. The Uso's get another shine, and for a team rarely on RAW are getting one helluva crowd reaction. Hey, Rikishi is their dad, in case no one ever told you. The Uso's get a close fall, but after Sandow breaks up a pinfall, he sends one of them on a sick-looking fall to the outside of the ring. Cody counters the splash finisher and gets the win with Cross Rhodes. Strong win for Rhodes Scholars, but the Uso's got put over pretty damn well in their own right.
11. We return to the ad for the Slammy Awards next week, which turns into a two-minute promotion of the WWE App. Go to wwe.com! On wwe.com, the second screen experience is on wwe.com. We learn that this year, voters will exclusively decide on Twitter the winners of the awards. Joy. Oh, wwe.com. Hey, a Diva's match, better plug wwe.com one more time for good measure, in case they didn't get the hint that they should go to wwe.com. It's Eve and Alicia Fox. Might wanna stay tuned to this one; it could be the favorite match of the next first eliminated Tough Enough contestant. I'll give Fox credit; she hits a nice bridge suplex to get a near-fall. Eve hits her finisher... Didn't I just see that move in the previous match? ... And gets the win to the reaction normally reserved for mentions of the Mean Street Posse.
12. Paul Heyman and CM Gimp are up next. Punk is covering the injury by being on crutches, as many reports this week indicated he would. Punk addresses the rumors that his injury and surgery were fake, making it sound like Jesse Ventura is about to do an episode on the angle, but speaks on the toughness of the sport and his title run. We're sure to mention at least a few times that it's 388 days into the title run, and the table spot is blamed for the injury.
13. Paul Heyman gets on the mic and turns up the HAM, being sure to throw the local insult in at the New Jersey Devils. Heyman brings it to more shots at The Rock for having a stunt double, and it's actually very entertaining, especially since he uses the word "kvetching." Interesting that this angle is being taken as The Rock only shows up when he wants to, which is the same angle that face John Cena took last year. Punk takes the mic back and addresses those who think he should be stripped of the title because, well that's what they do to injured wrestlers, and he challenges anyone to come take it away from him. This gives him an opportunity to list the people he's defeated in the last 388 days, which is pretty damn impressive all things considered, and the match with The Rock is being targeted for CM Punk. I can't wait to see these interactions, as Punk is at his best when he has someone who can keep up with him verbally.
14. Sheamus makes his way to the ring, where they remind us that in his match against Big Show, steel chairs will be "completely" legal, as opposed to partially legal, I suppose. The entire show so far is recapped during both of their entrances. It is indeed a shameful thing, Pastahead. As the match starts, Lawler says that Ziggler is so arrogant, then that he is so full of himself. How curious, since most people who are full of themselves are usually so level-headed. Ziggles is selling the damage he took from falling off the ladder, and Sheamus works it. Hey, always nice to see psychology! This is of course the perfect time to remind us about the RAWActive Slammy Awards, and that you need to download the App. This leads into another plug of wwe.com, because that's where the awards are. Good JBL, the number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship and the Money in the Bank winner are in a match here, do we have to spend five minutes plugging this? Before a commercial, another poll on the site is plugged.
15. Dolph took control during the commercial, with some moves that would've been much more interesting had we seen them live, but we're lucky enough to come back during the rest hold before the hope spot. Ziggles breaks up the comeback and continues to take advantage, making Sheamus a bit wobbly. Sheamus finally makes a comeback, shoving Ziggler into the turnbuckle, which hurts a lot more than you would think. Sheamus gets in a few moves before being tossed shoulder-first into the ringpost. Ziggler tries to get a cheap pin, but he got caught immediately.
16. Someone in the background has a sign with what I'm guessing are flashing Christmas lights. Oh the migraines to be had by sitting near those fans... Sheamus finally starts hitting all his trademark moves, but Ziggler cuts him off yet again on the turnbuckles. Sheamus shoves him off, but Ziggler comes back with a damn scary-looking top rope move, but Sheamus once again kicks out. Ziggler counters several Sheamus move attempts, and gets the advantage again before taking the Irish Curse for a close fall. Is it just me, or does Sheamus have more trademark moves than the rest of the roster combined? Ziggler dodges the Brogue Kick, and gets himself disqualified with a chair. Sheamus comes back by kicking the chair while some fans show signs that show a Troll Face and the NWO logo... Am I just that out of touch that I don't get it?
17. Backstage, Vickie's muscles are tight, so the Great Khali and Tyrion re-enact the famous Triple H/Trish Stratus awkward pose segment as Vince walks in and makes a "family show" comment. That facial expression at least gets some consideration for HAM. Meanwhile, The Shield decides to make their own version of the Blair Witch Project as a promo about injustice, although conveniently putting their names below their faces, and all the reasons they've attacked everyone in the course of the last few weeks. They continue to deny they work for anybody, and then introduce themselves... Again... Complete with names... Again.
18. Ricardo Rodriguez is out, which can only mean one thing... Ricardo's going to try to hold really long on the "O" in Del Rio because... he's still stuck with the guy, I guess. There's an awful lot of black in the upper deck, which reflects the void of nothingness from which no charisma can escape named Alberto Del Rio. I wonder against whom he'll be displaying his newfound aggression this week. Will it be Sin Cara, Zack Ryder, or Santino Marella?
19. Well Zack, your turn on the Del Rio JOB Squad is up! It's time for you to let us see how Del Rio is now to be taken seriously. Be sure to get a comeback spot, miss your finisher, and tap to the armbreaker within 30 seconds, you know the routine. Ryder gets a surprising amount of offense in the beginning, but in typical Del Rio JOB Squad form, the 2348234th new mean streak of Alberto is being put on full display. Hey, maybe this time someone will give a shit, right? To Ryder's credit, he's still managed to remain over, despite being booked like this. Ryder gets a surprise near-fall before Del Rio goes right back on offense.
20. More restholds lead to Ryder finally getting a comeback. Once again to his credit, this match is longer than it normally is. I guess after being Del Rio's bitches for the last year, Ryder is following Sin Cara's example and being allowed to have a pretty good match before taking another loss to him. Ryder's going for the Broski Boot, so he's about to get Santino'd. Before I even finish typing that sentence, HOLY SHIT WHAT A SHOCK! Del Rio locks in the cross armbreaker. Once again, a better match than it usually has been between these two, but an ending that Helen Keller could see coming.
21. Hey, did you know the Slammys were RAWactive? I wasn't aware of this. It'd be awfully nice if they mentioned this once or twice, because how am I supposed to know that I have to download the WWE App if they don't tell me eighty-seven times an hour? Unfortunately, they haven't mentioned it at all, so I doubt I'll even remember what I need to do to participate in the Slammocratic Process. At least all you need to do to vote for the Hammys is leave a comment below or on the Facebook page.
22. Now it's time for the highly-anticipated AJ vs. Vickie match, and I'm sure absolutely nothing wrong is going to go on here. Vickie stalls for a few seconds and BWWWWWWWWWWWHHAAAAA? Brad Maddox? But he's not supposed to be here! Oh how silly! Because after all, Vickie fed him to Randy Orton, so naturally he's inclined to take her side! Vickie treats AJ like her bitch for a few minutes, which is 70-75 percent less hot than it sounds, and AJ goes CRAZAY to the outside and becomes a Tasmanian Devil of Diva offense! Brad Maddox refuses to count the pinfall, because once again, Vickie had him get destroyed by Randy Orton, so it only makes sense that he'd want to help her out all he could. Vickie skips away AJ-style, not to be confused with AJ Styles, and Maddox raises her hand as the winner. AJ does her best Christian at Wrestlemania X8 impression and starts throwing things like she's Naomi Campbell. Justin Roberts even gets a smack since, well he was standing there, and AJ leaves in a fury. Enjoyably overacting at its best... HAM!
23. AJ waits for the camera to be on her, and then resumes her crazy rant before John Cena shows up to try to calm her down. He hugs her until she relaxes... ZOMGZSCANDAL! Meanwhile, Kofi is out for his match against Claudio, who is ready to cut a promo of his own to say how rotten New Jersey is. He concludes it with what sounds like Rammstein lyrics because talking about the TROOF makes him sound evil. Claudio dominates the first part of the match, and they use this time to explain all of Kofi's backstory. They explain him being from Ghana, though they fail to mention why he still has Jamaican entrance music, and Claudio continues to retain control over the high-flyer. Kofi starts to get control back with innovative offense that includes Claudio awesomely selling a monkey flip before a boot to the face cuts him off. The tone of Cole's voice makes it obvious that a commercial break is coming, and sure enough, there it is.
24. Back from the commercial, and Claudio is back in control. Conveniently the commercial ended just in time for Kofi to try to make a comeback. Kofi goes for a flip, and Claudio walks halfway across the ring like a beer truck is spraying him before countering it. Kofi again gets a roll-up pin attempt, but Claudio kicks out. Kofi starts to get the advantage, and pulls a Delirious with Shadows Over Hell for a near-fall. Claudio gets a close one of his own, and goes after Kofi to the point of the ref pulling him away. Kofi comes back with the SOS and Claudio barely gets the rope just in time. What a false finish! Kofi goes for another top rope move, but gets the dreaded European Uppercut of Doom. Claudio ends up getting the win, evening out the heel/face win ratio for the midcard title switcheroo matches.
25. The Miz is out for MizTV, and he's dressed like a bartender in a film noir. His guests are Damien Sandow and Cody's mustache. Damien definitely brought the HAM once again. Cody takes the mic and brings some himself, annunciating eve-ry syll-able that he can. Miz and Sandow try to HAM off with each other, and the second Manny Pacquiao reference is made, although this one is actually pretty good. Sandow starts using big words to throw the insults back at Miz, and this is rather entertaining.
26. Miz starts asking Cody Rhodes demeaning questions, including telling Cody that Sandow carries him around on HIS back (I think you meant Sandow's back, Miz), and Rhodes accuses him of being "one of those people." Cody calls him Colonel Sanders, though honestly I'd go for John Hammond, and Miz does his best to be more over than Cody's mustache. He redubs them The Pink and the Stink... Wow that was lame. Even in a segment that hammy, the most over superstar in the entire thing is Cody's mustache. Meanwhile backstage, John Cena tries to talk AJ out of coming out to the ring with him, and I'm sure that won't backfire on him at all.
27. Ziggles joins us again at ringside for the match this evening. John Cena's music hits, and... Yes, I had to rewind it to be sure... A little girl burst into tears. Good job, Cena! Hey, at least that split second showed more emotion than Cena's opponent will at any point in this match. Cole suggests that Rivalry of the Year would be Cena vs. Big Show. To paraphrase the recent host of a show... Really? REALLY?! Not even close! A few minutes into the match, Cena puts Show in a sleeper hold, in order to let him know how we all have felt since his heel turn. As always though, I do have to mark for the bench press kickout. The match is, of course, broken in the middle by a commercial, because who wants to see the main event in its entirety? At least we know this one won't be having a pinfall during the commercial... JBL, that's still so fucking stupid.
28. The show comes back right in time for a countered chokeslam, which it turns into a DDT. Dolph Ziggler continues doing a great job of balancing calling the match and putting himself over. It's a nice relief from a five minute aside about the App. We're reminded of Daniel Bryan cashing in on Big Show last year, which was an awesome surprise at the time. Hearing Dolph talk about injustice sounds a bit familiar, wonder if that's intentional... This match might be exciting, if we hadn't seen it so many times since the US Title match at WrestleMania XX. Ziggles is cracking me up on commentary by his Deadpan Snarker remarks. Where's this side of him been all this time? Cole botches trying to use a phrase involving the word "shortcuts" three times, and Ziggler brilliantly responds, "easy for you to say." Dolph, you may have outdone Sandow in the HAM department.
29. Cena comes off the ropes with a shoulder block, and doesn't even wait for Big Show to miss a clothesline. Cena is nice enough to hit the Five Knuckle Shuffle about six inches above Big Show's head, and that lets him come back up and hit a chokeslam for a near-fall. Show goes for the KO, but Cena counters with the AA, and no matter how many times he does that, it is still freaking impressive. This is the cue for the Shield to hit the ring, and this time Cena is their target. Great case for them, as it has nothing to do with CM Punk directly. They set up a table, but Anger Management is announced with a pyro. Ziggler takes the chance to go after Cena, and Show starts to come back as well. Lobsterhead is the next face to the rescue, and he chases Ziggler away while Cena spears Show through a table. They're nice enough to take the non-six-man tag competitors out of the ring for RyVD to conveniently even the odds against their opponents. Ryback THROWS A FREAKING LADDER AT ALL THREE OF THEM! That. Was. Awesome! And wait, no that's a logo! What? Don't go off the air now! It just got interesting! JBLDAMNYOU, RAW!
30. Overall, this was a pretty good preview for TLC. The Del Rio JOB Squad shit has to stop, and while I understand that they need to plug their App, doing it this constantly is too much. Not to mention, having pinfalls take place during commercial breaks is just plain ridiculous. That being said, the wrestling was very good once again, and the overall brawl at the end of the show was a lot of fun... while it lasted.
Now since it distracted a bunch of you having my Jaded Hope #95 guest at Thought 23 last week, I'll have it at the end here. Here's a Merry Christmas coming from Jaded Hope.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
Sandow had it until Dolph Ziggler ruled as a Deadpan Snarker on commentary. That was pure HAM at its best.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
10-1-12 – Ricardo Rodriguez
10-8-12 - JR
10-15-12 - Kane
10-22-12 - Daniel Bryan
10-29-12 - 3MB
11-5-12 - John Cena
11-12-12 - Daniel Bryan
11-18-12 - AJ
11-19-12 - Paul Heyman
11-26-12 - Damien Sandow
12-3-12 - Damien Sandow
12-10-12 - Dolph Ziggler
IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S EPISODE