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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 1019 - 11-26-12
1. Coming off the first decent RAW episode in week, and a lot of intrigue building around a few certain debuts in the storylines, RAW hopefully will keep the positivity going into tonight's episode. I'm skipping the awful voice-over intro because I've already said all I can say about how stupid it is. Instead the Master of the Invisible Pyro will kickstart this edition. Cole reveals that he conducted an interview with the NXTers while Titus O'Neil gets a jobber entrance and no hype. For a guy that big who has at least had moderate success on television recently, that's a bit of a shame. Titus has the size to be legitimately competitive with RyVD. He tries to no-sell some of Titus' offense, and then takes the most awkward-looking clothesline fall I've seen in a long time from a main eventer. Titus is rather funny in calling for a time-out after powdering.
2. Titus gets a pretty huge Baldo Bomb on Ryback, but another no-sell leads to Ryback trying to take back control... very awkwardly. It's very obvious that both of these guys are green as hell. The usual ending sequence for one of his matches goes through, and while Ryback gets another relatively easy win, Titus got in some good moves and was at least allowed to look strong for a few seconds.
3. RyVD then takes the mic and demands Punk, the Outsiders, or both at the same time, claiming that his desire for satiated hunger will hold up the show, lest it not be met in a timely fashion with a second helping as an optional bonus. After a commercial break where he... apparently spent the entire time saying that... five local Indy wrestlers in yellow shirts come down, and I'm sure nothing bad whatsoever will happen to them. One of them steps up and gets tossed immediately. Vickie Guerrero shows up to tell him that he can't put his hands on security... right after he put his hands on security... He demands Punk at TLC with a TLC match, and cuts her off several times, which makes him seem more like a dick than anything, honestly. I'm also not sure how a guy who has to be protected and kept to a minimum ring time is going to go through with a match like this, but if anyone can carry him to it, it's CM Punk.
4. The lead-up to the alliance about which nobody cares, the Black Hole of Charisma shows up to avenge Rosa Mendes against young Tyrionswoggle, but the Great Khali makes the... Oh dear JBL, don't tell me this means... Yes, this means we're going to get Alberto Del Rio vs. The Great Khali. Oh JBL, how have we angered you so much to deserve this kind of punishment?
5. For once I'm not upset that the match started during the commercial, as that's less time we have to spend watching it. I presume that during the commercial, we missed several quick spots that led to an Indy stand-off and a Rolling Thunder. Del Rio takes a few hand chops before he starts working the arm. Del Rio hits his corner enziguiri, which Khali sells with a mild face of disinterest, and then Khali makes his comeback that involves Tyrionswoggle biting Ricardo's ass. Somehow, Khali cannot reverse the armbar that Ricardo puts on and he gets the win, thankfully putting this match out of its misery. The crowd responds with bored disinterest, as is their right.
6. CM Punk and Paul Heyman confront Vickie Guerrero backstage about the booking of the match at TLC. Punk continues to deny any involvement with the NXTers, and it basically results in Vickie booking him in a Twitter match against either Daniel Bryan or Kane.
7. Oklahoma City is beating Charlotte 84-35, wow. I don't even follow the NBA that much and that's ridiculous. Cole takes the time to sit down with the upstarts from NXT against a generic background, and they all seem to be cosplaying as the Big Boss Man. They quickly deny that they're working with Punk. Tyler Black argues against the election for Student Council President that is the WWE popularity contest, and they claim it to be a coincidence that it benefits Punk. They're coming across as a mix between the original Nexus and the APA. Roman is going to be the silent one, it seems, and they're going to step in for Honor. Hmm, what a coincidence that they use that word. They announce that their name is The Shield, which I assume means Michael Chiklis will be revealed as their leader. All in all though, it was a god segment to establish their names, roles, and mission.
8. After another vignette for Fandango airs, Alicia Fox is out for her jobber entrance in the dollar store Halloween Costume, and she's facing Tamina Snuka, who cuts a promo and seems to forget that the word "again" was at the end for a few seconds. It's very hard to take her seriously in that outfit. The announcers are so bored that they talk about what's trending on Twitter, and after a Diva's match following somethjing involving both the Great Khali and Alberto Del Rio, who can blame them?
9. Tamina wins handily to nobody's surprise, but I will give her credit on getting some very nice air time on the Superfly Splash. Her music sounds like the opening of Legends of the Hidden Temple though.
10. John Cena is coming out next to address the scandal storyline that just seems to get weirder by the week. What's there to throw at him now? He kissed a girl and he liked it, good for him. Can we move on to the Cena/Ziggler match now? Cena starts to discuss AJ's kissing talents before we get a second dose of Vickie Guerrero. Delightful.
11. Kissing AJ confirms that they were having an affair, because as we know, kissing equals fornication. Vickie gets a gift for Cena, which happens to be His and Her bathrobes. Does anyone give a shit, really? Vickie reviews the heel-perspective of her escapades in the love arena for the last year, which results in AJ bringing her presence to the conversation.
12. AJ finally brings to light that she's not GM anymore, which means she can date whomever she wants. Shouldn't that mean that Vickie Guerrero can't date whomever she wants? Oh wait, that would take consistency. AJ displays that now she can do whatever she wants, and that involves smacking Cena's ass, and he looks legitimately embarrassed. I didn't realize Cena was into being a submissive! That may be the funniest thing I've ever seen him do. His face was freaking hilarious.
13. Dolph Ziggler joins the misery parade and taunts Cena for tackling him through a fake bathroom wall. He then says that without any provocation, Cena attacked him... despite the fact that he just said the reason that provoked Cena to attack him. Cena starts to go after him before Vickie stops him and announces Ziggler vs. Cena. Wait, why are they doing this tonight? This is a Pay-Per-View match people legitimately want to see! Why wouldn't you save it for then?!
14. Wade Barrett is going to join us on commentary for the match involving Kofi Kingston and the jobber-entranced AT&T. Remember in 2003 when he was basically used as enhancement talent for anyone who needed to look good against a big-man wrestler? I bet he's so thrilled he went to Japan for almost a decade to finally come back to WWE... and become a wrestler basically used as enhancement talent for anyone who needs to look good against a big-man wrestler.
15. A sign in the crowd confirms that Leeroy Jenkins loves WWE, I suppose. Kofi does his best to utilize his speed over AT&T's power. AT&T gets some decent cheap heat before Kofi starts showing off his high-flying comebacks. Tensai blocks the Trouble in Paradise and hits a pretty nice elbow-corner-ropes-drop thing. Kofi comes back with a nice kick and a springboard for the win. Barrett walks in the ring and hands him the title, which pissed off Kofi for some reason. The words "exclusive interview" are used again tonight, as if someone is competing with them to interview people on the show.
16. Feel free to click this anytime you see HAM!
Daniel Bryan is using CNN's voting technology to show why nobody likes Kane, and Daniel Bryan says that they unfortunately don't have polling data in Hell, followed by an extremely weird sound effect. Kane ends up winning and follows it up with a not-so-subtle "Red Rules!" This leads to an impromptu match between Daniel Bryan and Rey Mysterio, which will end up being a great match I'm sure.
17. Finally, a match that should not only be entertaining, but not one with a very predictable ending. I'm guessing it's the first time they've ever faced, but they should really tell me to confirm this for me. Bryan does what he's been doing for months: giving the fans a reason to react again. Mysterio's dyed his beard red... for some reason... and these two look like they could have a legitimate stiff-kick-off. They trade advantages and bring some great wrestling to the second hour of RAW, and go into a commercial with Mysterio gaining the slight face gain.
18. We miss half of this match cause... JBL forbid we get to see a full-length match between these two... and Daniel Bryan has the early advantage. He's playing the heel, despite being on a face tag team, even though he's still technically a heel, even though he wrestles as a face on the team unless they're facing a face team in which case he acts like a heel despite being on a face team? Get it? Me neither.
19. Mysterio starts his comeback, and it's a thing of wrestling beauty. These two need to work together much more often, as it's sufficiently entertaining. Rey goes for the 619 before Bryan gets in the NO! Lock, but Rey gets to the ropes. Daniel Bryan nor his beard are impressed by this and the "NO!" yelling continues. I think all 12 months of the year are NovemBEARD for Daniel Bryan. Rey does a 619 around the ring post, which is the first time in years I've thought that move was cool, and Rey gets a clean win over the disputed tag team champion. Rey tries to get a "YES!" chant started, but only high-pitched voices respond.
20. Something involving Rosa and Del Rio... moving on... Josh Matthews asks Dolph Ziggler if he's given Cena an extra incentive, to which he lists his accolades in response. I'll say this though, he's on top of his game when he's talking about AJ. Yeah, go ahead and do it again.
21. We get the entire replay of the segment last week with Ziggler and AJ in the back, in addition to the clip from Smackdown before Ziggles finally comes out. A fan in the front row shows how creative she is by writing exactly what is on Cena's t-shirt on her sign, but I suppose it's better than that fan that had the Autsin 3:16 sign back before WrestleMania 27. Cena gets the advantage at first, but Ziggles comes back with a counter that looks like it hurt him as much as it did Cena. Of course a commercial happens, dammit.
22. Well, at least I have DVR this week, and I doubt I'll catch up to live TV at this rate. Ziggles does his best Ryback impression with a stiff clothesline, and then goes in to the ZxElbowdrops. Cena immediately comes back with two shoulder blocks, and even Dolph is not smart enough to not go for a clothesline at that point. He does however come back with a DDT that looks sick! Wow! Ziggles tries to take advantage and locks in a sleeperhold, which apparently was his bread and butter at one point in his career... Kay... Cena comes back with an STF, and surprisingly, Ziggler gets to the ropes, forcing Cena to release the hold. He follows up with an awesome dropkick, and this match is confirming what we've all thought; Cena vs. Ziggler has a ton of potential for a long feud.
23. It looks like the end is near for Ziggles, as he gets a crossbody countered for an AA. Ziggles counters, albeit a bit awkwardly, and gets a near-fall with a ZigZag. Cena plays up the knee injury, which gives Ziggles a chance to try to undo the turnbuckle. Little Miss AJ is not impressed and tries to get him to stop. Vickie runs down to pull her away, and AJ does some Crazy Eyes in her direction. Dolph goes for the briefcase, Cena hits the AA, and gets the win. Not to worry, I have a feeling this is far from over. AJ gets in the ring and lays one on Cena again as he continues to sell the knee.
24. Lobsterhead is out for what could be a very good, not to mention stiff as hell match against Claudio. It's announced he'll be facing Big Show in a Chairs Match because... Who the hell saw that coming... But he's facing Claudio tonight, and this could definitely be a hint toward the main event for the US Champion.
25. The match is so exciting that Cole is more interested in reading Tweets than calling the match, and they debate what a barbarian is. Where's Titus O'Neil to discuss washrags while we're at it? Sheamus and Claudio trade stiff shots that ends up having them fight on the outside. Gee, will this end up in a commercial? I sure hope so! Claudio uses the steps in a rather innovative way and pulls Sheamus' foot, leading him to faceplant the steps. The face is down, must be time for a commercial, and... It is!
26. When they come back, Claudio is in firm control of the match just in time for Sheamus to make a comeback. Sheamus deals with the power of Claudio's European uppercuts for the first time.... Eyyyyyyy! Sheamus finds the hope spot before Claudio goes a little JBL with a running clothesline. These two going at it would definitely make Regal and Finlay proud. Claudio takes the Forearms of Doom for the first time, followed by a battering ram. Cole calls the two of them the future of WWE. Um... I'm pretty sure a multiple-time world champion can consider himself the present, sir. Both Sheamus and Claudio get impressive near-falls.
27. Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick, which sends Claudio out of the ring for a count-out while the Big Show comes out with a chair. After Sheamus wins, Big Show turns back around. Sheamus grabs a mic and says he'll be happy to retire him in the chairs match as Big Show refuses to remember that he has more than one facial expression. This angers him so much that Big Show beats up a steel chair, which I guess is supposed to intimidate everyone. Cole thinks that's worth a thousand words, so I guessed I missed about 999 of them.
28. Damien Sandow has a microphone, so you know what this means... Lots of big words and...
Sandow is hilarious as usual with dropping as many big words as he can. In 30 seconds, Sandow emanates enough awesome for a Miz WrestleMania entrance. Ryder manages to get some reaction, despite being a glorified jobber for the last year, and I'm pretty sure he's wearing Ghostbusters ring attire. Cole reminds us of both translations of Sandow's elbow twice, because one just isn't enough. Sandow's looking to re-establish some momentum after some quick losses in recent weeks, and looks pretty good in doing so. Sandow sets up for the Broski Boot, so he's likely about to get Santino'd. Sure enough, he gets the win less than a minute later, and Sandow looks glorious and awesome in the win. He'll likely have a slice of ham as well after that promo, unless something in the main event can top it.
29. Are they seriously showing the entire Shield interview again? Really? Really? This is necessary? Ugh... ::headdesk:: They're showing the whole JBLdamn thing, I don't believe this. They can't show an entire match between Rey/Bryan, Dolph/Cena, or Sheamus/Claudio, but we have time to air the ENTIRE SHIELD INTERVIEW AGAIN?! I'm gonna go read more about the new Boy Meets World sequel pilot until this shit is done. I heard a pyro, so we're finally back to the main event. It's interesting, Punk plays up that he's scared of Ryback, but isn't scared of a guy who is bigger, has set people on fire and hooked up someone's nuts to a car battery. Guy who just hits finishers on people, scary. Pyromaniac, no. Just for clarification there. Lawler talks about respecting Punk's title reign of 372 days, which he says is an impressive feat, almost unequaled. Um, sir? Bruno Sammartino, line 2? Kane takes control of the match, which of course means ANOTHER FUCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK! Couldn't we have just skipped airing the entire Shield interview and left the main event full-length? Wouldn't that be possible? Or would that make too much fucking sense?!
30. We return to Punk in full cheap heat mode, including standing on Kane's throat while yelling "BEST IN THE WORLD!" which is hammy, but not Sandow-level, yet. Punk is still getting a pretty decent face pop during this match. On the third try for the high knee, Kane punches him right in the fuck and goes on a shine. Punk is showing a bit of a limp, and I'm sure it'll thrill him to know he's sharing that in common with John Cena. Punk springboards from the ropes and lands right into a chokeslam, but Heyman pulls Punk toward the ropes. Cole is nice enough to remind us that this is Monday Night RAW... Gee, thanks numbnuts, I wasn't aware. Kane sets up for the Tombstone, but the NXTers at ringside distract him. Kane eats a Go2Diva's Match and wins. They surround the ring, but go three-on-one on Kane. Daniel Bryan comes out to try to make the save, but it doesn't go well for him. If Ryback comes out, this could be an interesting six-man tag match next week. Just as I say that, the big man comes out for the save. Ryback hits a sick powerbomb on Tyler Black and gets a shot in on everyone before Punk attacks from behind. Ryback tries to hit a powerbomb, but Reigns spears the hell out of him while Punk is in midair. The Shield does their tandem powerbomb once again while Punk watches on, and unlike the original Nexus invasion, they haven't fucked it up yet. Punk cautiously gets back in the ring while The Shield leaves through the crowd. The second half of the show had some pretty good matches, but the first half was repulsively boring. Not to mention what I already did, airing a full-length interview twice. Not as good as last week, but still at least decent. Better than anything building up to Hell in a Cell, not that that's saying much.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
10-1-12 – Ricardo Rodriguez
10-8-12 - JR
10-15-12 - Kane
10-22-12 - Daniel Bryan
10-29-12 - 3MB
11-5-12 - John Cena
11-12-12 - Daniel Bryan
11-18-12 - AJ
11-19-12 - Paul Heyman
11-26-12 - Damien Sandow