IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 11-19-12
By Al Laiman
Nov 19, 2012 - 11:32:14 PM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 1018 - 11-19-12
1. Back to you for the second time in as many days. I posted a rare 30 Thoughts for a Pay-Per-View, so if you're curious about my reaction to it, feel free to take a look. Needless to say, the intrigue of the new NXT names to which many have been looking forward has the WWE Universe talking. What else is talking though? The voice-over of the RAW highlight video. I can't take how cheesy it makes it sound. Is the slow motion of everything really necessary? Showing a slow motion reaction of a reaction really defeats the purpose of slow motion. The Master of the Invisible Pyro starts off the show, and many connections have been drawn between the first NXT invasion involving Skip Ryback, Cena, and Punk, and the new NXTers attacking all them. RyVD cuts a promo saying more than three words, and while it's nothing spectacular, it's effective and to the point.
2. Vickie Guerrero turns the arena into an inferno of heat, and threatens RyVD that if he causes any chaos, he'll be subjected to a fine or suspension. She does however enjoy how he destroys people, which is kind of a contradiction to what she just said... And it results in AT&T being his opponent. I don't have a feeling this will go well for him. Ryback summons his inner Steve Austin with a rather impressive Lou Thesz press, and AT&T does get in some of his trademark moves. Ryback does his best Undertaker impression and sells none of it, which could be repayment for the supposed sandbagging a few months back. Not surprisingly, Ryback wins easily, but at least it was somewhat competitive.
3. Wade Barrett apparently isn't ready for the main event yet, and seems to be entering a feud with Kofi Kingston after eliminating him from the Survivor Series match last night. Cole and Lawler address what a meanyhead Barrett is for being out for himself, and the match is pretty even starting out. Barrett looks very strong in his new, evolved style, and Kofi has combined high-flying with aggression. The middle of the match is interrupted by a commercial break, so knowing how good the full thing is will of course be limited.
4. Wade Barrett is becoming one of the better psychological wrestlers, and I would say that he has exponentially more charisma than Alberto Del Rio, but zero times zero is still zero. Barrett throws a vicious kick, sending Kingston to the outside, and I'd say that hint of a face turn is long gone. Barrett continues to decimate Kingston, trying to get the crowd to rally behind him, and when he finally starts getting a hope spot, it does pick up. Barrett goes for the Black Hole Slam, and Kofi does a sweet reversal of it. He picks up the pace of the match with his trademark comeback moves, and manages to sell the attack at the same time. That shows the growth of his abilities in the last few years. Barrett finally connects with the Black Hole Slam, and Cole calls it a "patented move for Wade Barrett." Um... I haven't watched TNA in years, but I'm calling bullshit on that one. Kofi gets rocked and Barrett picks up the convincing win, but Kofi still comes out pretty strong in the process. I see a TLC Intercontinental title match in the makings.
5. CM Punk's reign is marked at a year long, and this transitions into a review of Brad Maddox's "rogue referee" impact. Despite the fact that he got massacred, we're supposed to be intrigued by the documentation of the day building up to his match that lacked a single offensive move on his part. Heyman greets Punk backstage, who is wearing a new "I'm a Paul Heyman Guy" t-shirt, referencing the infamous promo. Stryker interrupts them to question Punk about the controversial ending and his possible affiliation with the new NXT invaders, and Punk looks about ready to demonstrate that he isn't the only one who can devour people who ask stupid questions. Heyman reveals that everyone is invited to the celebration, including Ryback, which prompts Punk to suddenly become concerned. At least WWE has finally learned how to build interest throughout a show again.
6. We come back in the middle of a Diva's match, which is yet another great time to not give a shit, especially since Aksana is dressed in her best Frank-N-Furter outfit. Kaitlyn is supposed to be the new big face of the Divas division, replacing Kelly Squared, but I have yet to find a reason to care about her. I really miss women who were developed. Kaitlyn wins and gets a mild golf clap for her effort, but I miss the days when someone like Lita would get massive pops just for her entrance.
7. Brodus Clay is coming out, and GreenwoodRosie feels the same way now as I did a few minutes ago when they announced that not only will the Black Hole of Charisma and Randy Orton be in the same match, but there will be at least two falls. TROOF is on commentary, so I'm guessing Brodus is about to job to Claudio... again. His presence indicates that this angle is going to continue, but TROOF being on commentary could be entertaining.
8. I gotta say, the TROOF dresses quite well for a crazy homeless guy. I heard "roota to the toota," and good JBL I've been waiting for that randomness for a long time. Brodus starts a comeback and hits some trademark moves, so he's likely about to get Santino'd. Like clockwork, but impressive nonetheless, Claudio getting Brodus up for his finisher is still amazing. He is deceptively strong and continues to have a very good US title run. This doesn't look like we've seen the last of the TROOF running for it though, and I enjoyed a good slice of ham in the process.
9. They show a very touching video for John Cena's work with the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and that is probably the number one reason that a heel turn is not anywhere in his near future. A company like WWE cannot afford to lose that kind of goodwill, and once again regardless of whether or not you like Cena as a wrestler, he has a huge heart and gives a lot of himself to these kids. I admire him tremendously for the amount of effort he gives for that noble cause.
10. We're an hour into the show, and we're already getting a second Vickie Guerrero promo. All the dogs within a mile of the arena must be pissed. I'm trying to understand what she's saying, but the heat is so heavy that it's hard to decipher. Two random people in the background, who claim to be eyewitnesses, are ready to testify about a scandal that is not a scandal and prove something that is in no way illegal, immoral, or indecent. The waitress lady requested a private table and were being flirtatious, and this might be relevant if it was General Petraeus, but it's not. The parking attendant steps up to say that they remained in the parking lot for an hour and some guy came up and complained about what he saw in the vehicle before an irate AJ brings her Daisy Dukes to the ring to respond.
11. AJ comes out to basically say what she did last night, about how she's sick and tired of everything Vickie is doing. AJ throws a little Chris Jericho in her face by telling her to shut the hell up, and Vickie responds by telling her that she can't handle the truth. I can't handle this being played as a storyline. Just get to the Cena/Ziggler match already. Vickie cautions everyone that is offended by nudity, because she has pictures of AJ and John Cena in the car. Isn't it convenient that people surrounding private citizens also happen to be paparazzi?
12. As John Cena hits the ring, Cole sums up my feelings exactly, and that scares me, by saying that this has gotten to the point of ridiculous. WWE just made Michael Cole right about something. Cena decides he's gonna give something people to talk about, and lays one on her in the middle of the ring. OhmyJBL, two single people kissing in the middle of the ring? What's gonna happen next? Might they hold hands?! FUCKING HERETICS! Before Cena can continue, AJ pulls him around and really starts making out with him. This infuriates Dolph Ziggler, because I guess he hasn't gotten any in a while, and he tries to attack. It doesn't go as well as planned, and Cena chases him out of the arena before a half-second shot of AJ closes it out. As they preview the upcoming Orton match, they say Orton is as angry and determined as ever, and you can totally tell by the complete lack of expression or interest on his face. "I'm angry now I guess, roar?" I do suppose it will be a very technically sound match, at least.
13. Del Rio continues to wear black, just to taunt me with the complete void of charisma he contains. Lawler has a funny line about remembering when there were nine planets. Touche, sir. Orton continues to give cheap heat to a heel, which would just be better if they turned him heel already like he should be, and Del Rio goes back on the offensive. He tries to set up for his armbreaker, but gets tossed out of the ring for his trouble. Del Rio comes back and works the arm against the ring post so viciously that he gets himself disqualified, costing him the first fall.
14. Back from the commercial, and Orton looks to be putting the match away, but in good ring sense, he throws on his submission finisher, to which Orton quickly tapped. A good move from a psychological standpoint, as despite giving away the first fall, it gives him the physical advantage. Ricardo tries to get involved in the final fall, and gets thrown out of the match for his troubles. This gives Del Rio a chance to take advantage, and gets a nearfall with a sweet backstabber. He coils like Orton setting up for his finisher, and it looks even more ridiculous than usual. Orton counters by doing it himself, pounding on the mat despite his arm hurting... Not the most intelligent move in wrestling history. Del Rio locks in the finisher again, and somehow it doesn't hurt as much as it did a few minutes ago, and Orton nearly turns it into a pinfall. Del Rio misses a kick, Orton hits the RKO, and he gets the win. Pretty decent televised match.
15. Showing the highlight video from the Cena/AJ makeout session, it looks like Cena messed up his leg while getting out of the ring. Ouch, that doesn't look good. I didn't catch the hobbling the first time, and he's getting his leg taped up backstage. The trainer says he might have torn meniscus, which would put him out for a while. That is the last thing WWE needs this close to WrestleMania season.
16. Returning from the commercial, Primo and Epico are set to take on the Great Khali, who will likely match the two young speedsters move-for-move in an ROH-worthy spotfest of epic proportions. Hornswoggle comes out... for... some... reason... and young Tyrion Hornswoggle pretends to offer Rosa flowers before squirting water in her eyes. Khali wins quickly, so at least it was brief. He decides that Brodus dancing wasn't enough and cuts a few moves of his own, while demonstrating the biggest height differential in wrestling history. Meanwhile backstage, Paul Heyman is planning the celebration and demands... BALLOONS! BALLOONS! BALLOONS! I guess he couldn't find Pennywise, but there's likely a few slices of ham in his future after that random outburst!
17. Returning from the commercial, Hollaback Masterpiece is getting the jobber entrance to a rousing reaction of "meh," and it appears his job tonight will be to make the newly-turned Miz look good. Cole teases both Miz and Lawler about the fan nation to which we are both subjected, being Cleveland Browns fans, but in a bit of personal news... This very computer will be Skyping to Cleveland Stadium next weekend, and yours truly will be speaking on screen during the two-minute warning of the first half. Totally marking out for getting the opportunity to be on the scoreboard at my hometown stadium. They might be a mess, but they're still our mess, dammit! Hollaback gets a strong offensive showing, and I'm pretty sure he just pulled out the POOOOOOOOOOOOOUNCE! Lawler says that watching the Browns lose may have taken more out of him than we thought, but we're so used to it that it's highly unlikely.
18. Miz starts to make his comeback, though I'm pretty sure I heard one guy doing a boring chant in the background. This crowd must not be ready to accept that face turn yet. This show is really lacking in JBL commentary, although this version of Cole/Lawler is far from terrible. Miz starts getting the offensive momentum and now he's getting a pretty good round of cheers. It's still weird seeing him play to the crowd for the first time since the HOO-RAH days. Miz wins decisively, and Hollaback put on a pretty good performance for himself as well. Even the obvious result matches on this show haven't been half bad.
19. JBLdammit, STOP WITH THE SLOW MOTION REPLAYS! IT'S ANNOYING! All of the highlights from the Lobsterhead/Big Show match are shown in slow motion. It's not necessary! However, coming up next, bringing you today's Lobsterhead segment, Mr. Garrison Keillor.
20. It is indeed a quite sorrowful thing, my companion of the head of lobster sort. I do indeed declare that the quantity of limes in this particular endeavor have grown to a level that could be seen as more than sufficient. Dare I say, substantial. On what sort of occasion would one require the amount of citrus contained in a moment such as this, save for a robot with human skin sent back in time to summon invisible pyrotechnics on his quest for consumption. Say, fellow in the Stratus of the Dodge variety, might I obtain transportation in your automobile?
21. I'll start trying to do Lobsterhead rants by people or characters of your suggestion if you'd enjoy the variety. Meanwhile, Lobsterhead makes me laugh just by the way he said "bah-jeez-uss," and sums up the recent feud involving the Big Show. He's getting the "what?" chants, which either means this crowd doesn't like him, or they still think it's 2001. Maybe both, but they do seem to be cheering. I guess they don't realize that unless it's Steve Austin, that chant is supposed to be disrespectful.
22. Big Show comes out, as Cole says, "gingerly"... No pun intended, I'm sure. Big Show sells the chair beating he took, and Sheamus taunts him with the dented chair. Big Show raises his voice, because HE IS THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, AND HE HAS AN IRONCLAD CONTRACT! They keep trying to talk over each other, which is rather annoying. Lobsterhead challenges him to come down to the ring, but Handel's "Messiah" cuts him off instead. Cole says that Sandow is running into a buzzsaw tonight, but I'm quite sure I do not spot Tajiri anywhere, because I can't hear Mizfan losing his mind.
23. Sheamus is working very aggressive, as Sandow can't seem to get an advantage against the angry fella. He finally starts getting some shots in, which is more than he did in an entire match against Kane a few weeks ago, so it's progress. It doesn't last very long, as Sheamus starts throwing strikes that would make Regal proud. He gets a one-count from a suplex while Lawler reminds us that the celebration tonight will have BALLOONS!
24. Back from the commercial, and Sandow is on offense, so naturally we're going to review every one of Sandow's accolades in the exact same wording as we do every week. If the injuries they listed for Rhodes are legit, I don't expect to see him anytime soon, so hopefully Sandow is on his way up as a singles star. That same single idiot is chanting "BORING!" because that's what cool fans do I guess, and he continues to wear Sheamus down. Cole finds a way to give us both translations of the Elbow of Disdain, despite the fact that it got cut off, and a very good run of cheap heat has been concluded.
25. Lobsterhead has Sandow on the outside and throws some stiff high knees before the Forearm Strikes of Doom. Sheamus heads up top and knocks Sandow ass-over-teakettle. He follows up with the Michael Keaton Hears Voices in Static, and it seems a BOOT TO THE HEAD! is to be done. Sandow sells it like gold, and Lobsterhead looks strong going into the likely rubber match at TLC. As I've said for most of the losing side not named Primo and Epico tonight, Sandow came out really strong in a losing effort, and does appear to have a main event run in his future.
26. Backstage, AJ confronts Vickie and... Damn, Tamina is a tall lady. AJ tries to lunge at Vickie, and Tamina sticks out her hand. This apparently is so funny to Vickie that she has to unleash the audio equivalent of stabbing myself in ear with a steak knife by giggling for a good fifteen seconds at a hand motion. AJ's angry that John is hurt, and Vickie is quite blunt at saying that she won't do anything about it, so AJ says she will. Hopefully that "doing something about it" isn't another verbal in-ring confrontation, recycling the same lines they've thrown at each other for weeks now. After the commercial, Layla is trying to stop AJ from going into the locker room, but fails. She storms up to Dolph Ziggler, and he tears her to pieces. Ziggles is damn viciousl, although I'm not sure what else she was expecting... She freaks the hell out on him. Cena tries to pull her away, and this leads to a Ziggler/Cena fake-bathroom set brawl. Cena sells the knee, and Dolph builds his heat with a deep-cutting rant against AJ. The next return from commercial has Josh Matthews speculating that he may be injured worse than he was.
27. While MysteriCara makes their entrance, Titus Young claims to have saved Cena's life by pulling Dolph Ziggler off him. Not hyperbolic at all, are we Titus? Mysterio and Sin Cara are dressed like dueling chess pieces. The crowd comes alive as Daniel Bryan's music hits, and Bryan is so mad that he tears a small corner off someone's sign. Darren Young takes credit for revamping the tag division while Kane comes out, and this match will give MysteriCara a tag title shot if they win. Kane gets the better of Sin Cara before Bryan tags himself in. Bryan gets in some offense to the usual reaction, but misses a top rope move and takes Cara's offense before Mysterio tags in. Bryan comes back and kicks Mysterio's head off, but another Kane tag cuts it off. Mysterio comes in and sets Kane up for the 6-1-9, but Kane eats an outside move instead. Bryan comes off the apron and hits one of his own, before Cara comes through the ropes to cap off the pre-commercial break portion of the match.
28. Coming back, I guess Anger Management is the default heel-tactic team as Kane is laying into Sin Cara. Kane actually tags Bryan clean, and he throws in a nice Mexican Surfboard. This action is of course being called by Darren Young talking about nappy hair and discussing the difference between a washcloth and a washrag. Riveting. While Kane and Daniel Bryan tag back and forth, Titus Young continues discussing different synonyms for names of things. Sin Cara gets the hope spot with a tornado DDT, and Kane and Mysterio come in. Mysterio gets the advantage while Titus is STILL TALKING ABOUT THE DAMN WASHRAG! Mysterio gets a close-fall, Bryan breaks it up, and Cara throws a plancha to take him out. Mysterio comes off the top rope and eats a huge throat thrust for a near-fall. Kane gets set up for the 6-1-9, and Kane hits an awesome bench-press counter. The PTP come in the ring to attack at that point, causing the DQ. Sin Cara comes in to make the save, and Daniel Bryan assists setting up a 1238. They capstone it with a Kane clothesline and a Sin Cara swanton.
29. ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN REPLAYS! After recapping the Cena injury thing... again... Heyman is now out to continue hamming it up as he has a chart of long reigns behind him. Heyman lays into the crowd for chanting for the Attitude Era and ECW, but booing them for living up to those ideals, and it's incredibly entertaining. The chart does show an interesting point; that being after he passes Cena's reign in fifteen days, he'll have to nearly triple is reign to move up the list. Punk makes his entrance as Heyman does his Nancy Kerrigan impression. Punk lists all the people who could not do it, while conveniently ignoring his biggest rival who did do it, along with the other few, to prove the best in the world that he is. We get a video highlighting his title reign as well as the various lengths of his facial hair. Interesting that they played a clip of him "defeating heroes" while making Jericho tap, despite Jericho being a heel at the time, but that's just semantics. Punk gets a pretty surprising chant after his video ends, although it'll turn back to heat soon I'm sure. Punk talks about becoming the longest reigning champion, which would take it into 2018. Wow, it's hard to fathom someone holding a title belt that long. Heyman drops Sammartino belonging in the Hall-of-Fame, which may be a hint that it could eventually happen. While Heyman lists all the people who couldn't beat Punk, he imitates Hogan and Austin, which is pretty damn funny. WHERE ARE THE BALLOONS?!
30. Ryback's theme cuts off Punk's promo, and the three NXTers ambush him. This time, he overcomes them quite easily at first, but the numbers game catches up. For the second night in a row, the three put RyVD through the announce table. Punk cautiously gets out of the ring while Ambrose, Rollins, and Reigns get in. Punk steps on Ryback's fallen body and still gets a bit of a cheer for it as the show goes off the air. What the hell? No balloons?! I WAS PROMISED BALLOONS! Other than that and a pointless Khali/Hornswoggle moment, a complete reversal of the recent trend of RAW. Clear, concise booking. Mostly very good matches, good angle build-ups, and the continued intrigue that started with the end of Survivor Series. It's nice to report on a positive note.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
10-1-12 – Ricardo Rodriguez
10-8-12 - JR
10-15-12 - Kane
10-22-12 - Daniel Bryan
10-29-12 - 3MB
11-5-12 - John Cena
11-12-12 - Daniel Bryan
11-18-12 - AJ
11-19-12 - Paul Heyman
IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S EPISODE