IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 10-29-12
By Al Laiman
Oct 29, 2012 - 11:10:19 PM
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS Facebook Page
Alexander Goodlive Author Facebook Page
Jaded Hope Facebook Page
Please like my three project pages on Facebook! I'll give you ham if you do!
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts: RAW 1015 - 10-29-12
1. All right everyone, the power is flickering on and off, and Monday Night RAW is about to start. If the power goes out for a few minutes, I may miss a certain aspect of the show, and therefore be forced to guess what has happened. If it goes out for a significant amount of time, I'll probably ramble on about something that has nothing to do with this particular show. It'll be a fun adventure through the patience of Al Laiman trying to deal with a hurricane, isn't that fun? Anyway, I've got power again right in time for CM Punk to come out like Gimpy McHeel, and give him credit; he's sold RyVD like the actual T-1000 has come back from thirty years in the future to eliminate Ring of Honor stars from taking over professional wrestling. The show last night did what it needed to do; Keep CM Punk as champion while not killing any of RyVD's momentum. Punk summons his inner Oprah Winfrey and lets everyone know that they're getting a big dose of "You were wrong! YOU get a wrong! YOU get a wrong! EVERYBODY GETS A WRONG!" You can tell Punk's being serious because he's punctuating with EMPHASIS! He goes through some of his biggest challengers and proves how he's overcome the odds, which is what everyone said Cena used to do, but I digress. Punk does a great job of making himself justified in all of his actions, which is something the truly best heels are great at doing. He blames the entire "Titan Tower" empire for trying to eradicate him from the history books, but he still remains the best in the world. It sounds like it's going to take a champion to stand up to someone with these kind of accolades. A "People's" Champion, if you will...
2. A familiar car crash interrupts Punk's address to the delight of everyone who is a fan of great promo interaction. This is likely to address the last time we saw Mick Foley, which was Punk attacking him at the end of the show right before we were introduced to the T-1000 as a challenger. Foley's mentioning of RyVD's finisher being called the "Shellshock" makes me wonder if it will update itself in time and be called "Operational Exhaustion" at some point. Foley has brought the emphasis and emotion as he usually does, and Punk and Foley are going back and forth with great points against each other. It's a battle of tradition with two unlikely legends dueling superiority, and Punk makes sure to get the crowd to hate him a little more.
3. Punk suggests that they have a Team Foley vs. Team Punk traditional Survivor Series match, and I am so in favor of this that I got audibly excited. That doesn't happen at match announcements very often. I approve of this message. Before Punk can run down whomever Foley is going to pick, the advocate for mass consumption of edible competitors spreads his affirmative message to an adoring crowd. Punk powders quickly, and the first member of Team Foley has been implied. It would only make sense if Heyman brought back his other client Brock Lesnar, setting up the inevitable Ryback/Lesnar confrontation that has been anticipated for a while.
4. Back from the commercial, and it appears that RyVD is back to fighting jobbers for the moment. It's a chance for JTG to make the most out of the small amount of time he's been given, as he did in a few other of his squash matches a few months ago. It was nice of them to have similar outfits tonight. It's almost like JTG is trying to turn him into a T-101 and have him around like his own personal Terminator Protection Agency. It doesn't take long for the T-1000 to summon the Clothesline From Skynet and win in quite convincing fashion. RyVD's anger momentum carries through into decimating JTG. A quick promo encourages everyone to promote his zombie attack of the WWE champion.
5. The show returns, and Wade Barrett has apparently already been reduced to a jobber entrance, because it comes back on the air during Orton's. We get two different shots of a girl requesting that Randy RKO her, which doesn't really make sense to me, unless she's a sadist. I'm pretty sure Orton noticed the sign too because I saw him almost summon a facial expression. Cole is sure to wish that all of us in the path of Sandy Duncan stay safe, and I've got curtains covering my windows, so I'm pretty sure I'm good. The Great Skybox Master is out to redeem himself against the man who beat the man who rented out Barrett's skybox. Everybody follow that? Good. Barrett's ring attire has apparently just been reduced to navy trunks reminding us who he is, which is handy for anyone who might confuse him for Mason Ryan after a P90X frenzy. Orton continues to wrestle like a heel, despite the fact that he's a supposed face, and hits quick intricate moves. Barrett has an unfortunate rope-straddling incident and gets knocked to the outside before we go to a commercial.
6. We come back just as Orton is trying to fight out of cheap heat from the Barrett Barrage. I was seriously trying to focus on it, but I was distracted momentarily by the beautiful girl next to me and the wind blowing like a whore at a glory hole outside. Barrett is making another tremendous showing, as he has consistently since his return from that devastating arm injury, but unfortunately a heel World Champion complicates his chances. Cole reminds us as Randy Orton starts to gain an advantage, as he does every single time in every match, that he's hearing voices in his head, which we can tell because he changes... nothing, except the possession of the momentum. Orton gets an RKO out of nowhere as we again pan to the request for willing domestic violence. It looks like Orton will be challenging Big Show sometime soon. Once again though, another very strong showing from Wade Barrett, whose place in the main event will soon be earned.
7. Backstage, Vickie Guerrero asks AJ Lee to admit her affair with John Cena. AJ decides to not go crazy and instead vie for a position on the active roster. In further confusion of what the hell this storyline has to do with anything, Vickie says something about being worthy or... I don't know, the mass convoluted logic of the writing of this angle has me just trying to survive it, like a Big Show promo.
8. The show is about to get infinitely more awesome, because I hear Wagner! The crowd comes alive, and they brought the "YES!" signs for good measure. The other disputed tag team champion sets off his pyro in order to compete with the jobber-entranced Prime Time Players. Darren Young lives up to his reputation of being Black Cena by making a contention for the role of Mr. Komen with his outfit. Kane and Bryan both play the blind tag game as they try to outdo each other. Yelling in each other's faces gives big Titus a chance to take over on offense. There's a lot of ex-NXT in this ring. The PTP get in a fair amount of offense before Kane takes over the match. Kane chokeslams Darren Young and chokes Titus out of the ring. Bryan makes the blind tag and puts on the Do You Like Me Circle One Yes/NO Lock for the win.
9. In case you weren't aware, the World title match last night was one of the most competitive World title matches in history. Did you get that? Do you know how many KO punches Sheamus took? I think it was three; they really need to specify, because I was just distracted by other things. That being said though, it was a pretty damn good match. The only thing with which I was disappointed was the result, but that match exceeded my very low expectations by far. Unfortunately, I now have to sit through a Big Show title reign, but I digress.
10. During the recap, they referred to Foley as a Hall-of-Famer. Um, possible spoiler alert? Otherwise, I'm pretty sure he's not a Hall-of-Famer, although he certainly deserves to be. Vickie Guerrero comes out to say something, which immediately summons the deepest heat known currently in WWE. This week on Days of our Divas, Vickie is going to bring out the heart of the AJ scandal in the original Mr. Komen get-up, and we're going to delve further into the supposed scandal that... isn't really a scandal because Cena's divorced and AJ is single, as far as I know. Vickie plays the clip from a few weeks ago when Cena satirically asked AJ out on a date, then followed by Cena hugging AJ because... You know, that's legitimate proof of a sexual relationship, if you ask the people who record stat counts on professional wrestling. Never forget Foley writing that "provocatively rubbing someone's arm" counts as sex.
11. Finally, we see a snapshot (does anyone use that word anymore?) of Cena on a supposed romantic date with AJ. Yeah, it's real romantic when you're talking to someone while playing with your cell phone. But Vickie delivers the final dagger by showing a video of AJ getting into an elevator with her! AT LAST THE TRUTH IS REVEALED! ELEVATOR ENCOUNTERS MEAN WILD, CRAZY, KINKY SEX! The whole crowd is chanting that he's busted, so that proves it! Elevators equal SEX! SEX! ELEVATORS! I can't believe we've never seen the connection before! You know, this might be really suspenseful and dramatic if any of this could possibly be defined as a FUCKING SCANDAL! Once again, Vickie's on her self-righteous high-horse about an encounter about being googly-eyed and flirtatious with a wrestler while in a position of power while she's quite obviously known to BE FLIRTATIOUS WITH A WRESTLER WHILE IN A POSITION OF POWER!
12. This also brings into light that AJ's really gotten around the interest scale in the last few months, hasn't she? This is what, the fourth or fifth implied encounter this year? She's working her way up to the main event like most people in feuds! Dolph Ziggler and his noodle head are out to self-righteously confront John Cena about being involved with the former GM as if it's some kind of detriment to his career. Obviously it's not, seeing as the woman in management with whom Spaghetti Brain there is involved is STANDING AT THE SIDE OF THE FUCKING RING! While I definitely approve of a John Cena/Dolph Ziggler feud, this storyline is getting more stupid by the second!
13. It's never a good sign when one of the champions is getting a jobber entrance. And we're mindlessly chanting "U-S-A!" so we've got a US champion that's not 'Murican! Claudio cuts an awesome promo about Halloween, and Miz is at ringside looking depressed. Miz and Claudio would be an interesting combination. Maybe they'll end up on Team Heel together at Survivor Series. The other midcard champion in Kofi Kingston is out for the other half of this random, non-advertised, free-TV champion vs. champion match. Kofi is definitely coming out aggressive against Castagnoli, but Claudio gets the early advantage while Miz does all he can to put himself over on commentary. This is a really interesting matchup of two champions at different points in their careers. Claudio is in his first reign and is just really starting to get heat in his reign, while Kofi has been around for awhile, but might finally be getting the push he needs to break that glass ceiling into the main event.
14. Kofi throws Claudio into Miz at ringside, so Miz takes exception and pulls him off the ring apron. This turns into a two-on-one attack when the hometown boy TROOF comes in to make the save for his former co-tag team champion. I guess the team with Brodus was scrapped. It looks pretty apparent that KingsTROOF and Miz/Claudio will be members of the revealed main event teams. Oh, and just in case you missed it, it took TWO WMDs to beat Sheamus in the most competitive World title match in the history of anything last night! I guess Big Show just felt so secure with his IRONCLAD contract! Wow, I'm just like Ryback! FEED ME MORE... NEW INFORMATION!
15. Backstage, we're continuing the angle as we get yet another AJ and Vickie segment where Vickie tries to get AJ to admit her wrongdoings, except for the fact that once again, this doesn't make any sense whatsoever. AJ is adamant that nothing happened between them, and who cares if it did? AJ tries to appeal for the good side of her dignity, and Vickie hires her under the circumstance of not being able to put a hand on her again. To punish her, she books AJ against the most threatening Diva Vickie can conjure... Kharma! No wait, they let her go. Sara Del Ray? Not there yet. Beth Phoenix? On her way out and once had a tough reputation, so why not 2004-Bischoff-Kane her into the random heel opponent.
16. Meanwhile, Team MP3 gives a pre-recorded interview that is worthy of so much ham that it could be converted to Canadian Bacon. It is quite possible that they might wrestle the Ham away from the usual suspects this week with that minute of ridiculousness. They actually made Jinder Mahal say something funny! I didn't know that was possible, and I think it made Hustle's head explode! It's like we've both said since his debut... It'll take an Act of God to make him interesting, and what do you know, it happened during a Hurricane!
17. Team Job2DelRio is out for their match before we go into commercial. Since entrances seem to be what's being cut to save time on the televised viewership of RAW, I'm guessing this match will pick up right at the end of the cheap heat portion against... I'm gonna guess Team MP3 for the heel team to which the Del Rio JOB Squad is about to lose. Ryder gets the early advantage on Jinder Mahal and quickly goes for the Broski boot, so they're about to get Santino'd. In a shock to completely no one, a few seconds later, Mahal takes over the match and tags in Slaters Gonna Slate. The cheap heat begins as the Scot in his cowboy hat looks on. As Ryder continues to take the heat, I'm guessing Santino gets the hot tag, does the hip toss, pulls out the Cobra, and loses less than a minute later, let's see what happens.
18. I'm quite impressed with the old-school tag-style of Team MP3, not to mention their ability to take two of the least interesting superstars in Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal and make them entertaining. Slater got his rise this year as the eternal jobber to all the returning veterans, and now all of his hard work and rave reviews are paying off. Santino gets the hot tag, here we go... Hip toss, head butt... Zack just clotheslined Jinder out of the ring and the Cobra's out. Good thing they're keeping me on the edge of my seat with unpredictability! After a distraction from DrewMac, Slater uses that weird leg-hook Cross Rhodes-like maneuver, and is the first person I've ever seen to make it look really badass. So despite the fact that this match was as predictable as they come, Team MP3 looks really strong and someone finally used that move effectively.
19. AJ is out for her match, and Beth Phoenix not only gets the jobber entrance, but is dressed in her Hi-Ho Sailor outfit. Phoenix shoves AJ down and she does her best Dolph Ziggler impression and sells it like she just took the Ryback clothesline, which is ironic given the circumstances. AJ goes BANANA! and tries to catfight her way to an advantage, but Phoenix quickly regains it. She looks dominant for the first time all year, and it's rather refreshing. It's making me hope that she's actually not on her way out, but I'm not about to get my hopes up. Welp, John Bradshaw Layfield, the wrestling gods must've heard my optimism and thought, "We better squash that!" In something we've never seen before in the history of either Divas matches or Beth Phoenix's career, it ends in a ROLL-UP! Wow, look at the creativity!
20. For some reason, Vickie restarts the match because she expects her to do better? Better than what, exactly? This leads to Beth Phoenix attacking her from behind, hitting her finisher to perfection, and winning the match that was re-started... For some reason. I... Don't get it. Yes, that's a heel thing to do, but there's at least usually a reason for it. Maybe she's as unimpressed with roll-up endings as I am?
21. Just for all the requests... IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTERHEAD! WE'RE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF HELL ON EARTH, HOAK HOGAN! DID YOU SEE HELL IN A CELL? THIS IS LIKE A CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST A RADIO DJ, HOAK HOGAN! YOU WON'T BE CAUGHT HAVING SEX ON THIS TAPE, BECAUSE IT'S NOT THAT THE WIND IS BLOWIN', IT'S WHAT THE WIND IS BLOWIN', HOAK HOGAN! THE GREAT LOBSTERHEAD IS ABOUT TO ADDRESS US! SUMMONING THE GREATNESS OF THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT THAT FAILED TO BACK HIM UP IN HIS PURSUIT TO RETAIN THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP AGAINST THE BLANDEST, MOST BORING CHAMPION THE WORLD WILL EVER SEE, HOAK HOGAN! PINK ELEPHANTS! PINK ELEPHANTS! PINK ELEPHANTS ARE WHAT IT'LL TAKE TO MAKE THIS INTERESTING, SO TO SPEAK! Those who don't like these, feel free to let it go. Look at the comments last week, it was requested multiple times.
22. Sheamus addresses the crowd in a surprisingly positive manner, and explains that he likes to fight more than he likes to win. Sheamus makes a great case for it being the greatest fight of his life, and it's the best promo that he's done that I can remember. Where has this guy been? I bet if he'd been cutting promos like this and having matches like he did last night, he wouldn't have had so many IWC detractors. Then again, that's a fickle thing with which to contend, so I digress.
23. Big Show hits the ring with more emotion than he's had in the last six months combined, and makes a pretty interesting case for Sheamus giving him all he could, but still coming up short. Show then tells the crowd to not boo him almost as if he's doing an impression of The Rock making fun of him after the result of Royal Rumble 2000. Show then finally manages to put Sheamus over in the process of competition. Show says there ain't nothin' stoppin' him. AIN'T NO STOPPIN HIM, NAOOOOOO! He compares Sheamus to Custer, which really doesn't make any sense, but I do get a laugh out of him calling Sheamus a red-headed ginger snap. Doesn't the description of "red-headed" imply ginger? Sheamus then quickly asks if he's ever seen a ginger snap, and throws in a damn impressive White Noise for good measure. I don't care if he jumped for him or not, that was incredible.
24. The promotional poster for WrestleMania is shown, and Brock Lesnar is on it. Wait, didn't he "quit?" Meanwhile, Cena puts his arm around AJ, so I guess that's seriously provocative. If elevators are equivalent to sex, then putting his arm around her must be some sort of all-day Tantric shit. Vickie then fires Beth Phoenix for not getting the job done, so I guess they let her go out with a sort-of win. Not much left to watch in that division now, unfortunately.
25. JBLdammit, what is with the jobber entrances? Maybe if they took away the constant recaps, they wouldn't need to do that! Rey Mysterio looks like a zombie La Parka, and MysteriCara will be challenging Rhodes Scholars. Sin Cara tags in and does three front flips... Because... It's... Intimidating? Cara gets advantages on both Sandow's epic beard and Cody Rhodes' white-out outfit. I think Sheamus got the name for his move when he saw Cody Rhodes in that get-up while speaking. The faces both hit some pretty decent high spots as we go into a commercial.
26. As most televised tag team matches do, we return while the heels have the cheap heat going on. You know, you would think in a three-hour show they would figure out how to not rush things, but again, I digress. Mysterio tries to summon a crowd reaction from what looks to be a rather miniscule turnout. Even GreenwoodRosie had tickets but opted not to attend. Thanks Sandy Duncan, just have to ruin everything, don't you? Sin Cara hits a really sweet-looking faceplant for the cutoff, and Mysterio comes in house of fire. He does a really nice-looking roll out of the ring to land on his feet, but Sandow cuts him off. A second dose of cheap heat commences with the emphasis on Sandow. Cole summons his inner Claudio Castagnoli and reminds us what Sandow calls his elbow in both Latin and English, as he has in every single match Sandow has ever wrestled... You know, in case we forgot... Sandow and Rhodes continue to work together like they've been tagging for years. Mysterio gets the hope spot with the double DDT, and Sin Cara gets a turn at the hot tag. Sin Cara pulls a Tajiri elbow and gets a near-fall on Sandow. Sin Cara and Sandow could put together a really exciting singles match if given the proper time to develop. Rey goes for the 619 but gets thrown into the steps. Cara follows up with a plancha and a kick to Sandow's head. Cara misses the Swanton and Sandow follows up with his finisher to get the win. Damn fine tag team match for all involved in the match, and continues to make Rhodes Scholars legitimate contenders to Anger Management.
27. Paul Heyman confronts Mick Foley after a cheap plug for the new video game and warns him that he needs to have his team together. After the commercial, a long breast cancer montage shows, and in a moment usually reserved for tributes, the entire roster is out on the stage while John Cena is out in the ring to dedicate an easel for the cause. WWE donates a million dollars toward the cause, and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. Despite their tarnished public reputation, they've always managed to put effort forth toward some good causes, such as the Tribute to the Troops shows and now this. It's some good PR, and Cena definitely seems to genuinely care about being the representation of the cause.
28. I guess this show was lacking in personality deficits, because the Black Hole of Charisma has arrived for some reinvigorated aggressiveness for the first time... this week. Jimmy Jacobs version 2.0 gets the jobber entrance and appears to have a pink ribbon on his chest... All right then. JJ20 looked great in his match with Claudio last night, and after the upset win is hopefully headed to better pastures than Tyson Kidd or Trent Baretta. JJ flies all over the ring with some quick offense, taking it to the outside... just to take it back in again, before Del Rio gives him a pretty stiff kick and takes the advantage. Del Rio is on offense, and Ricardo at ringside arguing with what looks like a female Hulk Hogan is more interesting. Del Rio stays on offense for a long time until JJ20 makes a comeback. He unfortunately makes a mistake, and Del Rio again is now more aggressive after a loss at the expense of JJ20. WHY DO THEY KEEP PUSHING YOU?! DOES! NOT! COMPUTE!
29. Paul Heyman once again introduces the WWE champion, and we should get a good luck at what should be a ridiculously fun Survivor Series main event. Punk is sure to emphasize the cover of WWE '13, which is interesting because when that was first announced, he was a face, but who remembers that far back? The first member of Team Punk introduced is... The Miz. Wow, it's almost like they indicated that possibility earlier in the evening or something, because I certainly don't have JBL's palantir. Coming next is Rhodes Scholars, and this is shaping up to be an incredible heel team. Once again, Paul goes hammy in what I thought was a setup for Claudio, but I guess they had to have a boring guy on the team in Alberto Del Rio. I'm guessing Foley's team will include Kofi, Anger Management, and Randy Orton. You know, because Foley selected his team based on storyline convenience. Punk continues to run down Foley, and it only makes me hope that Foley will help push Punk to a new level, refreshing the year-long title reign in yet another new way.
30. Foley makes another appearance and calls Punk out for weaseling his way out of the Hell in a Cell match. Foley reminds us that it's been 344 days of Punk's title reign, just in case they haven't mentioned it tonight. The first one announced is Kofi Kingston, and it looks like not only are they arranged by storyline convenience, but in order of feud as well! Amazing! To the surprise of no one, Anger Management follows them up, bickering the whole way to the ring. And the final member is Randy Orton. Yay. Foley and Kane have teamed up a number of times, as well as the once-rumored heel stable of Del Rio, Punk, and Miz. Foley then drops the bomb that he's not competing in this match, before finally introducing the Master of the Invisible Pyro as the fifth member. The faces unleash mayhem while RyVD stares at Punk who has powdered. This Charlotte crowd kinda sucks for a moment like this. A three-hour buildup to an epic Survivor Series match, and the reaction with several of the top faces in the company on the same team is rather lukewarm until the chant finally stars when Punk is at the top of the stage. Cody gets the Clothesline From Skynet for existing near the wormhole, followed by a team-surrounded Operational Exhaustion... again, to a lukewarm response. Charlotte's usually a hot crowd, aren't they? It's Flair Country. Overall, the show was decent, though the logic of the Cena storyline is severely lacking. I'm very excited for the main event of Survivor Series though, and after all, that is what RAW's designed to do, is it not?
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
Some new winners took the ham in a rather unhammy week. Honorary ham to the hurricane for keeping the power on long enough.
1-9-12 – R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
2-6-12 - Triple H
2-13-12 - Shawn Michaels
2-19-12 – Santino Marella
2-20-12 - John Cena
2-27-12 – Al Laiman, for thinking no one read this
3-5-12 – John Laurinaitis
3-12-12 - James Roday
3-19-12 - Theodore Long
3-26-12 - Booker T
4-1-12 - Santino Marella
4-2-12 - Dolph Ziggler
4-9-12 - Will Sasso
4-16-12 - Daniel Bryan
4-23-12 – CM Punk
4-29-12 - Teddy Long's name tag
4-30-12 - John Laurinaitis
5-7-12 - Paul Heyman and Jeff
5-14-12 - John Cena
5-20-12 - John Cena
5-21-12 - Santino Marella
5-28-12 - CM Punk
6-4-12 - Michael Cole
6-11-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
6-18-12 - AJ
6-25-12 - Chris Jericho
7-2-12 - Chris Jericho
7-9-12 - Daniel Bryan
7-15-12 - AW
7-16-12 - JTG
7-23-12 - Mae Young's son
7-30-12 - R-Truth/Daniel Bryan
8-6-12 - Daniel Bryan
8-13-12 - Roddy Piper
8-19-12 - Kane
8-20-12 - Paul Heyman
8-27-12 - Kane
9-3-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-10-12 - Kane/Daniel Bryan
9-17-12 - JBL
9-24-12 - Paul Heyman
10-1-12 – Ricardo Rodriguez
10-8-12 - JR
10-15-12 - Kane
10-22-12 - Daniel Bryan
10-29-12 - 3MB
IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S EPISODE